A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's a bit of back story on the situation. We started dating about two years ago, and at the time she had a lot of self-esteem issues. She was about 135 lbs and constantly thought she needed to lose weight. But I actually adored her womanly figure! She had very attractive, naturally wider hips that were very feminine. Overall, she had a pleasant curvy shape a lot of women should be jealous of and was by no means overweight (her BMI was considered normal for her age and height)Yet, she would constantly want to go to the gym, and while I supported her with her decisions, I assured her I thought that her figure was gorgeous. She seemed to really take that to heart, because after about 2 months, she finally told me she wasn't going to go to the gym as much. When I asked her why, she replied that it was because I made her feel beautiful, which I was excited to hear. We had a wonderful summer together, and I was happy to see her not worrying about her weight or calories and just being glad with who she was and who I saw her as. We still took walks together to get fresh air and to stay healthy, but becoming a sickly stick figure was no longer her concern.Now, about a year and a half later, even though I have continued to be supportive and tried to always make her feel beautiful, she decides she's not happy with how she looks. Her weight hasn't changed much since back then, maybe by about 3 pounds if that, yet its like she's switched her brain with someone else's and has again convinced herself that she isn't attractive.We have always had a good sex life and she is very very comfortable being naked around me, especially since she knows how absolutely gorgeous I find her curvy body (lets just say its hard for me to hide...*ahem* down there when I like what I see) We've always been so comfortable around each other and I always love just holding her and looking into her eyes while telling her how gorgeous she is. I don't know what the problem could be. She does have college roommates that are borderline anorexic (I wish I was joking about that) but she's been with them for years and she knows how radically unhealthy their bodies are and has assured me she knows that's not real beauty. Her mom is a bit of a health nut and had ridiculed her during high school about her weight (great thing for a mother to do to an already pressured, self conscious, high school girl; good one mom) but she has learned to set those comments aside, knowing that she felt beautiful.One of the most sexy things to me is a confident woman who loves herself and isn't constantly striving for perfection. I thought maybe she's been going through a phase so I've stuck it out, trying to be supportive, but this has lasted for weeks now! I just want her to know she's beautiful, and I don't know how I've failed as a boyfriend if our years together, and years of improving her self image have just been thrown away all of a sudden.Ladies out there, what is going on in her head? How can I convince her she's perfect to me and I'd hate to see her lose that self confidence she finally gained. What would it take for you to be happy with yourself without trips to the gym? Fella's, has this ever been present in your relationship and how have you dealt with it? Many thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): I currently feel that way about myself.I can tell you right now, even if she tries to lose any weight she still won’t be happy, she will just find something else to pick on her self about. It’s a self image issue.You have not failed as a boyfriend, I can tell you this has nothing to do with you.I personally have some major self image issues.BMI means nothing, regardless if it says normal ,over weight or underweight, how will knowing that help remove the fat off my thighs and butt and look perfect like the women in the magazines?I recently confided in a man about my self image issues, he then kept trying to make me feel good about myself by making comments, like your sexy, you have a great body etc… the problem is he was doing it too often to the point I felt like he was just saying it to be nice and cheer me up and not really mean it, I then think his just lying to me.The minute women walk out that door we have perfection thrown in our face, we then look in that mirror and pick and pick on our self’s over every tiny little thing that we think is wrong, our skin does not glow enough, hair does not look like the models on television, my butt does not look small like the girl in the magazine, thighs are not toned enough. Women have become so self conscious that some even go as far as surgery on there private areas so they feel normal because we compare to what is seen in porn.You can’t fix this or convince her, she needs to do that herself, she needs to believe her self that she is beautiful etc…I’m sorry I don’t have the answers for you because I am struggling with the same issue.I can say that sometimes exercising, spending time with good friends and family and doing the things I enjoy really help with keeping positive.When my mind is busy with other positive things I am not sitting around thinking negative stuff about myself.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Forgot to mention - WARNING! The link I provided is Not Safe For Work!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 November 2010):
Have to hit this on two fronts - emotional and rational.
Rationally, point out all the good indicators of her current physique, like BMI and body measurements (a good reference website would be
http://www.femininebeauty.info/
if you want to debunk the commonly held belieft that fashion models and porn stars represent the typical male preferences).
Emotionally, I'd advocate a Pavlovian approach. For the duration of your relationship, every time she's said she's fat, you've responded by validating her and telling her how beautiful she is. In other words, complain = compliment.
So, from now on, refrain from responding in any way when she complains about being fat. Nothig negative, positive, or in any way acknowledging that you've heard something. Instead, occasionally comment without prompting on how sexy she looks (perhaps glance at her ass when she walks, or compliment the curve of her hips when she's lounging on a bed). For best results, do this during ordinary time hanging out with her, not at some time when you'd be expected to say something (like during or after sex).
If she really presses you to respond to her complaints, tell her, "I've made it clear that I find you sexy, that you are objectively sexy, and that I'm worried about your self esteem. It really hurts me to see you this upset, and it hurts that you won't hear me."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the answers. I always knew that females dealt with a constant stream of negative self images, but I guess I never considered them too be that intense. I suppose that's a major difference between the male and female mind. Don't get me wrong; there are days when I tell myself I'd be better looking if my arms were just a little bigger and what not, but over the last few years I've really learned that confidence will get more positive attention than looks ever will.Luckily we constantly talk about things. She's not afraid to say what's on her mind, but lately she's been bottled up about this and that also worries me. It could be because its in the middle of the school year and we don't get to see each other as often.Regardless, thanks again for the responses. She hasn't started going to the gym yet (she honestly hates it so much) but her negative thoughts about herself just make me anxious. Like I said, nothing is sexier than a woman who loves who she is and isn't afraid to be proud of her body, no matter what condition its in. She's absolute perfection to me, and I honestly wish that was her only standard.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Ah, yes. The girl who will not believe that she is actually attractive at the weight she thinks is a wee bit too much. This is a tough one.
Here's what's in her head. "I know I should be happy that he loves me just the way I am but I also know that I am too fat. I am too fat, I weigh too much and my thighs are too big and my butt is too big and my belly is too big. I am too fat.
"I'm too fat. I know I'm too fat because I don't look like the women who are in the magazines and are on TV and who are way hotter than I am."
This is an internal dialogue that has nothing to do with what you say and sadly, you cannot derail this choo-choo train of thought, no matter how much of a wonderful boyfriend you are.
If she has anorexic girlfriends, they are VERY focused on weight and if she buys into this dysfunction, there's not much you can say or do to offset this. I mean, you already let her know that you find her attractive.
Okay, another thing I'm going to tell you, I don't mean to dash you or your masculinity at all, okay, but this is more of what is in her head. It doesn't matter that much that you get an erection when she is naked, in terms of what she thinks YOU think of her. Just because you get hard being with her naked isn't enough to convince her that she is gorgeous. Yes, she may understand that you think she is gorgeous, but that doesn't mean she thinks she is gorgeous. She is just a female with a flawed female body. And buddy, believe me, we get messages all day long that tell us we are FLAWED and have awful ugly bodies. Yes, this is true, we do. We are too big for the size 00 we are supposed to be in. We are too flabby to wear the screamingly mini skirts that are now being shown with the skin tight thigh high boots and barely there tops. We are too hairy for the bare bare bodies shown in porn flicks that depict women with not one single hair any where. Our hair is too curly. Our hair is too straight. Our nose is too big. Our lips are too thin. Our eyebrows are too thick. Our boobs are too small. Our thighs are too big. We are all wrong, all wrong, all wrong!!! We are doomed to be ugly and unattractive and what's more, unworthy of your love! We are not worthy of your love because we are not spectacular and perfect! We are not good enough!
Whatever is going on is inside your head, and you, alas, aren't going to be able to fix this if this is how she is thinking. It doesn't mean you are a bad boyfriend, it doesn't mean you have failed her. She hasn't thrown this away deliberately or with malice. She is suffering from the negative thought processes that affect so many women. It happens even to the strongest and most beautiful of women.
I don't know how you deal with it better than you have already. Maybe praising her for her accomplishments and fabulousness OUTSIDE the bedroom as well as having erections around her nakedness might help. Maybe recognizing her as an entire human being, beyond merely the physical might help. I don't know. She might need more help than you can offer.
Good luck to you as you come to terms with this feminine Achilles heel. Stinks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Well, personally, I know I would not be happy without trips to the gym - but that's because I enjoy exercise and I think it's important to stay healthy.
I mention this last point, because something I think helps a lot of women (and men for that matter) to switch away from their excessive concern with looking a certain way, is to switch their focus to enjoying their bodies and being healthy.
The problem a lot of women have is that they begin to see their bodies as "the enemy" - something they constantly have to punish and control, and that prevents them from enjoying life. So they take on punishing exercise regimes they don't enjoy, starve themselves and avoid their favorite foods - obviously this succeeds only in making them miserable and lowering self-esteem further. It's a vicious circle.
Oddly, a first step out of this circle for many women, is exercise - but a different type of exercise. Something that is focused not on how your body looks, but on what it can do for you, what you can achieve... for me this was martial arts. Initially taking up kickboxing gave me a sense of power, and increased confidence - I started to feel in control of my body, and was fascinated by all the new things I could learn to do with the right techniques. Rather than hating and punishing my body, I started to love it and value it for the amazing thing that it is. I thought of my body in terms of the joy and power it could bring me, rather than as something I had to battle against.
A friend of mine had a similar experience from taking up pole dancing (in a class, not a strip club!) - she found this new form of exercise made her feel sexy, and in control of her sexuality, like it didn't matter so much what her body looked like, as what she was able to do with it - she is definetly a more confident person now.
So this is just a little "outside the box" thought - maybe you need to edge your girlfriend towards something that will help her to see her body as a friend and a source of pleasure, rather than an enemy and a source of pain.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Lets face it ladies, there has always been at least one time than we've looked at ourselves in the mirror and said "urgh, I need to lose a few pounds!" We've all done it.
Your girlfriend knows that you think she is beautiful, but there is nothing wrong with her wanting to start back at the gym again. She may be doing it just to tone up, or improve her cardio work, for her general health. Not everyone goes to the gym with the intention of becoming stick thin!! It works out in your favour actually, if she improves her cardio and stamina by going to the gym, then she can last longer and be more athletic in the bedroom ;)...
Now obviously don't tell her she needs to lose a few pounds etc, but be supportive of her if she wants to go to the gym more often, there's no harm in it and i doubt she'll end up looking like some of the celebs you see nowerdays who are all skin and bones.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Well, firstly i'd just like to say that this post made me smile. It's nice to know there are still nice guys out there. With regards to your girlfriend i think you've been doing everything right, and there's not much else you can do. When a woman is convinced she's fat or ugly etc... sometimes no matter how much you tell her she's beautiful she will still doubt it.
I think you should carry on as you are and keep being positive around her and eventually she will see that you are right. If she's been bullied in the past about her weight or appearance it can take a long time to get over that but i'm sure in time she'll realise what a beautiful womam she is.
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