A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been noticing for a few years now that my wife never can bring herself up to say sorry! I am much more of a perfectionist than her. She has messed up a lot of things in the past - like check writing (once she added $1195 and 25 to enter $2120 and entered the same in words instead of $1120), sometimes sending mails without affixing postage, etc., I should admit that I have been a bit on her case on these occasions. I do have temper problems, but usually it lasts only a few minutes. After she started messing up things like these, I took complete charge of all bill payments, check writing, etc.,The most recent episode that happened is something really silly. We purchased a bag of snacks yesterday. There were 11 pieces of snacks in it. Come today afternoon, I found that my six year old son was eating one of those pieces. I thought of eating one too, but when I found the bag, it just had one and a half pieces left! I was shocked and raised my voice and asked my wife and son what happened to all the other pieces. My wife told that my son ate most of the pieces and she ate only two or three. I was mad that they never thought of sharing with me. On further questioning, I discovered that they both ate almost five each. I asked why they did that and my wife started telling my son just kept eating... never once she told "Sorry, those snacks were really yummy. We just kept eating." After I demanded she ask sorry, she started accusing me of my wrong behaviours in the past and how I spend so much time by myself (I read a lot).This is not just one event, and this has happened several times in the past too. The moment I point out her mistakes, she usually points out my mistakes. Personally whenever someone accuses of my being harsh or wrong, I always admit that I was in the wrong, though sometimes I feel helpless about my behaviour. I am especially annoyed by noisy environments and get agitated, so usually I try to avoid them, but unfortunately if I am put in those situations, I react poorly beyond a point! I also do not handle hunger well, so tell people politely that I need to eat something... I am not hard to read. But my wife is the silent type and can withstand these distractions to a large extent. I admire a lot of other qualities in her, but this one particular behaviour is something that annoys me a lot. Why can't she bring herself to truly feel bad for what she did and just say sorry? It almost seems like she doesn't feel bad for what she did and will most likely repeat the same behaviour in the future as well. Not learning from mistakes is what annoys me, not the mistakes themselves. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your replies. I did a lot of soul searching and realized what a pain I have been to live with! I am slowly learning to let go of the little imperfections, in myself and in others.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I'm sorry but you do sound extremely controlling and this petty whining about snacks and an error on a cheque sounds like a form of abuse . If I were married to a man who carried on about who ate what snacks and behaved the way you are , he would soon find his bags packed . I very much doubt any woman would put up with this behaviour . It's 2016 , not 1620 . I implore you to please seek counselling for yourself before you drive the people you love away with this behaviour
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Why are you keeping a record of wrongs on your wife? That's not being a perfectionist. That's being vindictive and negative.
You bought a bag of snacks and COUNTED the snacks?! If you were counting, why didn't you take your share, separate it from the others, and put it somewhere for you to enjoy later? I grew up with brothers, both with huge appetites that only got worse as they became teenagers. I learned to get my own bag and separate what I wanted from the pack.
I'm married now, and rather than turn stupid little things like that into huge pissing matches, I got creative. For example, I *have* to have a clean tube of toothpaste. I *hate* a dirty lid not capped properly, and old crusty toothpaste fragments on the tube. When I squeeze it, I squeeze it from the bottom and do it nicely and orderly. My husband is the exact opposite, and his toothpaste is completely disgusting to my standards. Do I raise my voice at him and demand that he's sorry? Nope! I spent $3 lousy dollars and everyone's happy. My son like his toothpaste tube just like I do, and as long as he keeps it nice and clean, he can use mine. Otherwise, he uses his dad's, and he hates it.
Heh, as for check writing, YOU BOTH suck at math! You wrote this:
"She has messed up a lot of things in the past - like check writing (once she added $1195 and 25 to enter $2120 and entered the same in words instead of $1120), sometimes sending mails without affixing postage, etc"
Ugh. $1195 and $25 is $1,220, not $1120. They're honest mistakes, and in the case of the 2120 versus 1220, a "stop payment" fits the bill, OR you get a refund or a credit for the next month's payment, if that was a mortgage payment (usually the only thing checks are used for anymore!). People make mistakes. Stop screaming at her for everything she's ever done. If you want grace in your own life, you need to extend it.
You having temper issues is the biggest crime out of everything you have listed that she does. What you do damages your wife and son. YOUR SON IS 6, and you're acting younger than he is with your counting and shouting about stupid candy. Buy two bags for crying out loud! Or better yet, don't get candy! There are better things to eat. But that's not going to happen, I'm guessing.
Pick your battles. Stop nitpicking. Stop dragging up past sins and past fights and past faults. A math error is no excuse for you to beat her over the head emotionally for it, especially since you're no math whiz yourself based on your error right on here.
You're also NOT the apology police. If you want to see different behaviors from your wife, you need to BE the change you wish to see. Meaning, you need to change the culture of your house from one of regular emotional bludgeoning over silly "perfectionism", as you say, to one of grace and love. Nobody's perfect, especially not you. Blowups and controlling attitudes are damaging. SHOW your son the better way...you can't demand it unless you demonstrate it as a way of life.
If you want some of the candy, open the bag, separate a few pieces, and put them somewhere else. I had to, or I would have never gotten anything in my family! In most cases, I didn't get anything anyways, as my brothers attacked the grocery bags as they were brought in. As a result, I was the healthiest eater in my family. No one attacked the carrot sticks. :D
As for being by yourself all the time, why?? I love to read same as anyone, but spend time with your 6-year old that doesn't involve yelling at him for eating candy! Take him on outings! Show him the world before time slips away! It goes by so fast! When I started posting on this site, my son was 9 years old going on 10. Now he's 16 going on 17 (cue Sound of Music music..heh) and his father and I are teaching him how to drive. It goes fast, and books will always be there.
As for your marriage, how can you improve your marriage by holding up a tally of faults all the time?? If you keep lists, keep them of kindnesses that she does. Make yourself write down one new positive thing about your wife every single day. You are the thermostat of your household. If you do this, force yourself to change from a negative thinker into a positive one, your marriage and family will change drastically for the better. You have no idea how powerful that is, and you'll find yourself getting your needs met so much better. She'll go out of her way to do nice things for you! It's like that scene in Juno when the kid opens the mailbox and a ton of orange Tic Tacs come flying out on him. Just watch! Do one little change and watch you and your family's life turn better. If you OCD over her good traits, you will be a lot happier and so will she.
By the way, speaking of candy,
If you go into your bathroom, turn off all of your lights and stand in front of a mirror and bite down on a Wint-O-Green Life Saver, it will spark with each crunch! Try it! It's awesome!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 January 2017):
 OP, you're bordering on abusive here - not deliberately, but your wife will fall out of love with you and your son will grow up to resent you. Your family will be walking on eggshells for as long as you continue this controlling behaviour.
How do I know? My dad is the same. Spends a lot of his time alone, then is very quick to complain or shout at us. It's bullying to constantly point out people's mistakes in a nasty, condescending manner.
Honestly, OP, how much fun, positive time do you spend with your wife and child where you aren't analysing their "mistakes"?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2017):
 I'm with auntie eyeswideopen...
While I guess she COULD have apologized for eating and allowing your CHILD to eat some of the 4 allocated snacks, I can see why she didn't apologize. Especially if you "demanded" she apologizes. It's snacks. They get eaten. Keep a back in your drawer if you want some JUST for you. Yes, it WOULD have been nice to share. But we are talking SNACKS here. And MAYBE she does it on purpose to provoke you. If you think that is the case, maybe you need to think why she might do that? Or simply ASK her.
Why should she apologize to YOU for adding numbers wrong? Or forgetting a stamp? Shoot who HASN'T done that?
So with that said, I have to ask WHAT is really bugging you?
Seem like you are looking for things to start arguments with the wife over. What is going on in your life that makes you want to micro manage your wife?
It seems like the two of you have piss-poor communication skills.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2017):
I'm with auntie eyeswideopen...
While I guess she COULD have apologized for eating and allowing your CHILD to eat some of the 4 allocated snacks, I can see why she didn't apologize. Especially if you "demanded" she apologizes. It's snacks. They get eaten. Keep a back in your drawer if you want some JUST for you. Yes, it WOULD have been nice to share. But we are talking SNACKS here. And MAYBE she does it on purpose to provoke you. If you think that is the case, maybe you need to think why she might do that? Or simply ASK her.
Why should she apologize to YOU for adding numbers wrong? Or forgetting a stamp? Shoot who HASN'T done that?
So with that said, I have to ask WHAT is really bugging you?
Seem like you are looking for things to start arguments with the wife over. What is going on in your life that makes you want to micro manage your wife?
It seems like the two of you have piss-poor communication skills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): What a bully! I can just imagine the atmosphere in your house. Christmas time and your wife and son are eating chocolate together and then comes the shouting, the interrogation, the admission that ....shock horror! ...they had five pieces each!! Why don't you buy two bags in future? There are three of you in that house! Keep a whole bag for you then you won't have this terrible situation...Listen my love, you reap what you sew. If you don't understand that it means that how you behave influences how people behave towards you.You mention raising your voice quite a bit. What gives you the right to shout when people make mistakes?? If you were a warm, loving and forgiving person, then your son or your wife would probably have said, 'Save some for Dad'. You wonder where your apology is?? Seriously? Maybe you could make a start on the apologising and see if that makes a difference to the way people feel about you and act towards you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): This isn't about snacks and making mistakes. This is about you being a control freak, shouting at loved ones for eating chocolate, shouting at loved ones for making mistakes??? Just who on earth do you think you are? I know what you are.
You wonder that she doesn't say sorry to you???
You could start saying sorry now until the end of time and it still wouldn't be enough.
Prepare to be alone in the future and shouting at a wall because that's the only thing you'll have for company one day.....I hope.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 January 2017):
Apologising is manners, but nitpicking isn't fair. You need to be upfront (but gentle) with people about sharing things, but you also need to realise that most things don't go to plan and mistakes are normal. You shouldn't be criticising so much. I think you may need some therapy to handle your feelings when things don't go your way, otherwise you'll sour your marriage.
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A
female
reader, clueless8989  +, writes (2 January 2017):
I'm sorry but you do realize you're getting angry over snacks? In my opinion, you seem a bit unreasonable. Children loves snacks, that's what they do. Why don't you just go out and get some more for yourself? I think you're just ticked off by everything your wife does, and that does seem to be your issue. Perhaps you need to work on your own shortcomings.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (2 January 2017):
We had a whole tub of celebrations these are like little mini treats and anyway I thought yes great and opened up to find three in the very big box .. three and I hadn't had any .. trouble is .. if your not specific people will eat how many they like as its
2 their home
3 their comfortable
So they just help themselves . Maybe you need to be clearer on the treats and say hey so many packets are mine .. if you touch them dead or souvenir you'll be coming with me and no one here can hear your screams . I had forgot to say so got three treats that they didn't want ; all the same too haha
As for saying sorry .. sorry is just good manners howeve so is thank you please and your welcome something I encourage within my house do you use those words .. if not start using them .encourage your son too .maybe she just in a habit of not using it . If you bump her say oo sorry honey or whatever sweet word you use etc . People are lead by example maybe you start leading the way
And remember to say like I will be doing in the future .. haha but greeting heat up about it is useless let it go .
Happy new year
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A
female
reader, salmonpinky  +, writes (2 January 2017):
Yesterday my brother finished my share of food. I felt really bad and told that to my mom. Some people are just more selfish/less sensitive than others. The only way to handle that would be open communication. Since you are stuck together forever I suppose you should find a way to tell her to be sensitive towards your feelings without making it sound it like a huge problem.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Yikes man have you read what you just wrote???
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