A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so confused with myself and am hoping the advice from unbiased people will help my heart a bit.Last April I started dating someone who was an acquitance for 10 years before that. I fell head over heels and really thought we would work out. He didn't "do" relationships typically but was just as excited about me in the beginning. Slowly he started to pull away from me when he realized the effort that went into a semi long distance relationship. He didn't factor me into things like weekend plans or group outings. I always felt like I was low on his priority list and it started to show more and more that he wasn't able to incorporate me into his already busy life. When we did see each other, it was mostly just sex and lounging around despite beautiful weather and suggestions to do something active. We fought a lot to the point of him calling it off after only 3 months of dating. For some reason, despite not feeling like he treated me well and as if i had "uncovered" the real him as opposed to the charming full of life, funny man I fell so hard for, I was devastated. So often I felt like it wasn't even the same human I met in the beginning and couldn't imagine a life with him.We were then on and off for the next 8 months and the whole time I felt slighted and knew he was lying to me. He was back on a dating app (claimed it was his friends) and only saw me when it fit his schedule to sleep together. I felt like I was desperately trying to hold on to someone who was already so far gone.We ended up having a blow up fight 2 months ago and he ended it completely. He blocked my number, deleted me off social media, the whole works. I drunkenly emailed him last weekend and he responded saying he was sorry that he made a mess of things, really wished we had worked out and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about me. I'm still blocked and he hasn't reached out since that email.My real concern is that I'm still desperately pining after someone and I don't know why! It is breaking my heart more from a personal perspective that I devalue myself enough to keep missing and hoping that the person who was never really mine to begin with will have a change of heart, realize I'm a great girl and come back. I know in my heart it wouldn't work out with us. We're two very different people - he doesn't even believe in marriage which is something I want so badly. What is wrong with me that I can't let go of someone who let go basically before it even started?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2017): I agree with all the other aunts ..the fantasy certainly didn't match his reality and who knows he may just this way with ever women he finds ( so consider yourself lucky )
I think what is the sad part is from what you write ; is before you took this leap you had a semi friendship with him which has now dissolved as well .. and I think 10 years of knowing someone to a degree and then nothing can feel like a death has occurred in your life .
So mourn it .. you have every right .. cry some .. laugh some and get out lots ..
He will not reach out again even as a friend .. he knows your feelings were much straingwe than his and unless he's lonely ..bored he will not be in touch . And when he does come sniffing back and he will at some point hence the I'm sorry email .. I would play him as he did me .. no mets though just all the cwap and then dump his sorry ass because here the thing he treated you shadily .. and that's not right at all
Baby you deserve so much more than that .. you found out how lazy and self centred he was in the relationship . Never give more than you get and always say to yourself that If they try .. tell them to beat it .. as your lo"real your worth so much more .
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 July 2017):
 I agree with YCBS, you don't want to let go of the FANTASY guy you build him up to be. That charming full of life, funny man who DOESN'T exist.
You can't let go because that means you have to own up to your own behavior. Fighting after 3 months to the point where HE ends it yet you STAY and suck up BEING USED as his f-buddy that HE doesn't even can be THAT bothered with.
Is my guess YOU did most of the work? Most of the traveling? The compromising and changing YOUR plans to see him? Right? Because you thought THAT would make him Be who you WANTED him to be. That is not how things work.
He was an ASSHAT to you, and you LET HIM.
Bending over backward for a guy doesn't SHOW them how GREAT you are, it shows them how EASY you are to manipulate.
If you put in 70-90% of the work in the relationship and you get 5% back WHY STICK it out?
He wasn't into you to the same degree that YOU were into the "fantasy version" of him, not the ACTUAL him.
ACCEPT that you CHOSE to date a guy who was a DICK to you for 11 months. That YOU made a mistake in dating someone who wasn't up to your STANDARD. You "lowered" you standard" and you guy a "meh" kind of BF for 11 months.
Then you SHAKE it off. You tell yourself OK I dated a DUD, I will NOT do THAT again and then you move on. Trust me, I have BEEN there done that.
KNOW your standard. You want a guy who lives CLOSER to you so you can spend time in person, You want a guy who is active, fun, charming. You want a guy who is looking to marry his partner at some point. ETC. YOU need to know your own standard. I think you already do, yet you dated this dud DESPITE knowing better and you got hurt.
Pick yourself up and move on. You didn't LOSE out on some GREAT guy. HE lost out on a great woman, you.
Chin up, you can do it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 July 2017):
 You need to separate the man you believed/wanted him to be and the man he turned out to be. You miss the dream, the man you believed him to be. The reality turned out to be more of a nightmare.
When you miss him, remind yourself of how you felt when he didn't make you a priority and just used you when it suited him. Nobody should be made to feel like an afterthought in a relationship.
Find a man who truly is what you wanted this man to be and you will realize why it did not work out with him.
HUGS. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2017): Walk away. He's either too messed up or just not into you. In any case it won't work long run.
Its harsh and it sucks but it doesn't sound good.
You'll find someone that can stick and you'll be so much happier ;)
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