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female
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anonymous
writes:How are you supposed to move on from a relationship that has ended when you don't even know WHY it ended??? My b/f broke up with me 1 month ago and I still have so many questions about why he ended it. I don't believe the broad/general reason he told me. I know there is more to it. He said it had nothing to do with me, he just isn't ready yet to be in a relationship. However I KNOW it was something personal. I just know it was. It's a gut feeling and alot doesn't add up. Also i've heard other reasons from mutal friends about why he did it. Yet i don't know what to believe. I've tried talking to him but he insisits that it is nothing personal. I know he is 'too nice' to ever tell me the truth if it would hurt me. So how do you move on when you know you aren't getting the full truth? I can't help but feel there is something wrong with me.
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female
reader, Confuddled77  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Commitment Phobia is the term they use these days. And that is what my ex suffered from cause all the symptoms were there, just never saw it cause love is blind.
Have a read through this and see if it describes your ex as well.
http://www.phobias-help.com/commitment_phobia.html
As as we are concerned, it's over. He says he doesn't have feelings for me anymore or maybe has but he's afraid to take it any further. Who cares. I don't...not anymore. I've given him his freedom and he can now go chase down the next skirt and go break her heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionConfuddled77- I hope you find out! It would be so good to know WHY!
Ask oldersister - thats interesting that the only time you got a proper reason why the relationship ended was in a truly healthy relationship with communication and respect. But it does make sense. My ex bf never confronted any issues or problems he had with me, or even if he had any with friends. He is well known for hating confrontation. This really bothers me because I think maybe if he would of just told me what was going wrong we could of worked out a way to work it out. Now that I look back, I see intances where he said 'everything is ok' when truly it wasnt, I think he was just trying to cover up his true feelings and I believe it was for reasons like that that he ended it. He had problems with me but was too scared to talk about it, so rather then work on them he chose to leave. Oh and then I have another reason which I suspect for the ending...me wanting to wait for sex.
Tisha-1- well I guess the 'real reason' why i want to know why is beause I also suspect his reasons for dumping me werent 'hounourable'. I get the feeling it was because I wanted to wait for sex until we were in love. This was a big issue to him, he always made a HUGE deal about it. So when i have this thought in mind it makes me angry that he could dump me over something like that. But i dont know for certain if this was it. If I could know for certain thats why he dumped me, then it would make geting over him A LOT easier beause I could just say to myself he was a jerk who only wanted one thing. So I guess you are right in saying I am looking for a reason to be angry with him. Its just hard to let go of someone who puts on this PERFECT image, someone who i put up on a pedastal...
But yeah I know you are alright, I need to let go of it. I dont think ill try contacting him to find out because I have already tried geting more info out of him and he just wont give me anymore. And if he did, I think it will just make me more upset and will probably make the healing process much longer.
Thanks to everyones replies, I appreciate them all.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Living with uncertainty is not the easiest thing to do, I know. But sometimes in life, timing is just not with you. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to get out of him his exact reasons 'why,' and try to accept that the relationship ended.
If you are willing to risk a major confrontation and anger and lots of recriminations, then you could try pushing him for specifics on what is 'wrong' with you. I actually doubt that there's anything really 'wrong' with you, it's just that the relationship for him wasn't the right thing. If you suspect something in specific, then examine yourself and decide for your own self if there's some truth to it. But if you try to crowbar something negative out of him, be prepared for it, because you will get it.
If he doesn't want to hurt you more than he already has by the split, why do you want to punish yourself? Maybe you're looking for a real reason to be angry with him, prove him wrong, get really really upset and have the cathartic emotions that I think you have yet had with the end of the relationship.
Give it another three months, then examine what your feelings are at that time, and evaluate whether you should really push him for more definitive answers then. But my best advice is what some of the previous posters have said, let it go. There's nothing 'wrong' with you; you're just living with some uncertainty.
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Many times the partner realizes that exerting any effort is a waste of time, because they have found out that whatever they say, goes in one ear out the other. When a person gets frustrated, and the person asks them why, if they seem irritated, angry, it is because you just don't get it, and they are tired of wasting their breath trying to tell you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): How do you know its something personal? If someone breaks up with you that does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with you. Maybe it's his personal decision to move on? Let it go? We don't always need an explanation and we don't always get one. Be careful also that looking for this explanation is not an excuse to keep the communication going!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): You have to go with instincts; is what he is saying possible? We all want to become the best possible person we can be, and when we make a mistake, we wish to learn from it and grow. Most relationships fall into this trap. When were hurt, we hide it, we cloud it to the point where the feeling exists, but we forget why we got there.
Both men and women are not good at communicating their feelings, not because they have a bad vocabularly, but the mis=interpretation by the other seems to cause us not to reveal as much, or like I said, we have slowly covered it up, we can no longer pin point the problem, just that it hurts.
It seems when we do try to express ourselves, others will step in to quick and interrupt our train of thought, if this happens to frequently, we will give up trying over time.
It would help to understand what happened, but it may never come from him. What you need to do is complicated, but you need to self heal. We all need to improve ourselves one way or another. Taking a class at school for relationships might trigger some key problems that happened in the relationship. Getting involved in different things helps in some regards, but it can also be painful.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 When it is the end , it is the end.
It does not matter why it ended.
You need to accept that it is over and walk out of this relationship.
Check yourself, if it is not on your side ,
then it is his side.
The truth is out there but it will not change anything.
You are who you are....
If he does not love you , it is his lose...
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Sometimes guys get scared when it comes to commitment, so maybe he just really isn't ready for a relationship and he thinks if he doesn't tell you now then you'll get hurt further down the line. I understand its hard to move on without a clear explanation but maybe he doesn't know why himself. My ex stopped talking to me without telling me why, or what i had done. In the end you're better off and its only a been a month, its still raw but in time you'll be able to see he has your best interests at heart.
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A
female
reader, Confuddled77 +, writes (21 April 2008):
My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me today. It was an online relationship. He said people change and his feelings towards me have changed. Like you, I want some closure on it cause I feel it's not entirely the whole story he's telling me. So tonight I'll hopefully find out when I confront him.
Try writing him a letter. Not an email, but by hand. Tell him how you feel and that you can't have closure unless he tells the whole story. The truth.
Good luck
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