A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:HelloNot a newcomer to this site, been here for a few years really but I've decided to post this anonymously.So I think I'm stuck in a rut with relationships. I've taken what's easy and made a few dumb decisions, and over the last year I've changed myself quite a bit, almost all for the better, and I don't know where to go from here.Some background more on me:I work full time in manual labor (meaning I've built the muscle I've wanted for years)I now own a good enough car, that I do maintain well and do all my own work for (good skill to have, being able to fix cars)I have enough money for all my expenses and then some, so I can live quite comfortably.I don't have any hangups about last relationships and I've learned about my choices and how they've affected me and those around me.I have plenty of hobbies as well, but they're not important. Mostly outdoor stuff.My question is this:Why can't I get a girlfriend again?I have things, and it should be very clearly stated that I know there's more to attracting girls than money and cars. Obviously that's not what I'm getting at.I even graduated high school early. I'm smart, strong, decent looking, nice, I have qualities that I'd think would attract people. And they do, but I've known the girls I'm friends with for too long, mutual understanding.What do I do? Where do I start? I want to get my foot in the door. I want to get someone who likes me and enjoys my company without some crazy luggage like all the others I've known.Help? Resources? Maybe more ways to improve myself? Before you call me a narcissist, I understand the previous info might make it seem like I have a high opinion of myself. That's not the case, I'm just comfortable with myself and I like who I am.Sorry if this came off as a bit rough, I'm rusty. Haven't posted here in ages.Any advice is appreciated.
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get a girlfriend, her past, money, muscle, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): If the age-group given above your post is close, you're between 16 and 17. As you know, some parents don't let their daughters date until they feel they can trust them to have good judgment around boys. You claim you graduated early; so you won't have a lot of access to girls who are still in high school at that age.
I do hope you aspire to attend community college, college, or a trade-school for higher education. Don;t waste that brain-power.
I don't think you really mean baggage. Girls your age haven't really dated that much. Perhaps you mean girls who are insecure or clingy. Too concerned about their weight or looks, or too afraid they'll get their hearts broken. Baggage is accumulated over time and distance. Teenagers are still growing and developing; and really can't carry any baggage.
You'll meet girls. Just don't fixate on the idea of having a girlfriend; just for the sake of having one. They're not a possession, or something you add to a collection.
You meet, you become fond of each other, and you date. At your age, it's better to date short-term and concentrate on an education.
You may have a job; but if you have a girlfriend, they might like a boy who has goals and ambitions. Not settling for whatever a stationary-life; earning a minimum-wage and just getting by. I know how much an 18 year-old can earn with nothing but a high school diploma. College is a great place to meet young ladies; and earn a degree at the same time.
Make friends in-general; and don't restrict yourself to a mission to find a girlfriend. That doesn't happen in an instant; and it may require a few steps between meeting and her to wanting to be your girlfriend.
Destiny often delays certain events in our lives in order for us to answer a calling, or to reach a certain goal designed for us. For now, you need a little more time to grow and mature. Girls are everywhere, and will come along and just happen to cross your path.
If you're making a search for a girlfriend an assignment; you might get a little frustrated that it doesn't happen instantly on demand. There may be a series of events and timing involved in that process.
Mix and mingle with people in-general; and you'll form a circle of acquaintances. It's also a test of your personality. If you can easily make friends, getting a girlfriend will not be that difficult.
Eventually you'll meet young ladies. They will decide whether you're worthy of their company.
It's not all up to you to decide whether they deserve you, nor do they have to live-up to the expectations of an inexperienced adolescent boy. You're not even 18 yet, and still require parental-consent for just about everything. You've got a lot of distance and a bit of years to go.
If you come across a little too cocky; parents will divert their daughter's attention away from you. If girls don't like your attitude, they will avoid or ignore you.
Your description of yourself says more than enough. Attitude can either draw girls to you, or away from you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): You tout your maturity.
No matter what they say to the contrary, most 17yo girls aren't very interested in maturity.
Many of them are interested in older guys. But that is not the same thing. Those girls would choose an immature older guy over a mature guy their age.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 May 2017):
 You are still very young if you are still 16-17. Why the rush for a girlfriend? Why the hurry? I would love to know what you mean by baggage, as surely girls your age are pretty carefree and don't come with baggage. Or do you like to date older women?
Are you actually making an effort to go out and meet girls or are you so comfortable in your friend group that you don't want to put yourself out their.
Have you tried online dating?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 May 2017):
 I started reading this, and my first thought was -- you have to BE what you want to have.
You want a girl without baggage, and that's understandable, especially at your age! A teenager shouldn't be packing a lot of baggage from her past.
I have some questions for you:
1. DO *YOU* have baggage?? You're fixated on getting a girlfriend without baggage, but you say you've "Learned from all your choices". Are you dealing with some of the repercussions of these past "choices"? Do you have anything emotional that could be considered baggage by someone else?
2. You've been on this site before, so obviously we can't look up past questions and get a better history of who you are. In my opinion, this works wonderfully like a medical history because it shows patterns and helps enrich the advice you're given. The fact that you chose to become anonymous is telling here, and is indicative of the fact that YOU have some baggage! This isn't a bad thing, but you should not be in denial.
3. How many women have you dated or been with that you would characterize as having had baggage or past issues?? If it seems like all the women you've been seeing have baggage, that suggests that this is an issue of what you're attracted to. When a woman seems to find all the abusive men to get into relationships with, then it's an issue of her being attracted to traits that indicate abuse. In your case, you're being attracted to traits that indicate baggage, like drama, high emotion, insecurity, emotional damage, parental neglect issues, etc.
4. You aren't as comfortable with yourself as you have stated, or you wouldn't worry about coming off as narcissistic. You actually don't, or you would be on here talking about what you deserve either in a girl herself or what she can give you or do for you. In this case, you're trying to do whatever it takes to attract someone.
5. Your writing style makes me wonder whether or not your past posts on here indicate that it's not just about having a woman, it's about losing your virginity?? I may be wrong, but have you written on here in the past as a virgin worried about losing his virginity?? Don't worry about that if this is the case!! You're talking like someone whose appearance or job or possessions or skill kept women away from you in the past. Again, this is BAGGAGE on your part!
Be patient! You're young! Don't compare your present you to your inadequate past you. You'll be okay! Don't put the cart before the horse. Just ask a girl out, and don't worry about getting her to be your girlfriend. Take it smooth and get to know HER!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 May 2017):
 I agree with Youcannotbeserious,
If you run around with the same crowd over and over, you just don't MEET new people. Which means your "prospects" are slim. If the ALL the girls you know around your own age are so full of drama it's DEFINITELY not where you need to look.
At age 16-18 there really shouldn't BE a lot of crazy baggage. Unless your dating pool is out of a mental institution, to be frank. Because at that age there JUST hasn't been THAT much living going on. People in their teens are still figuring out who they are and what they want. You are ahead of many of them already by having a profession and secure income.
You say your hobbies don't matter but they CAN. If they mean you meet new people and the hobbies make YOU happy.
I think it's great that you see yourself as a prize but there is MORE to having a successful relationship than having a job and muscles. How are your social skills?
And NOT dating if you can't find someone you think could be a good match - it's OK too. Better than to date someone you really wouldn't want to be with.
Figure out what your standards are (other than I don't want to date crazy) and figure out what YOU have to offer - YOU personally. Not what you can buy or XX pounds you can lift. But what personality qualities do you have?
Do you go out on the weekend? Same place same people?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 May 2017):
 It seems one of your problems is that you mix with the same crowd and have exhausted the supply of available "girlfriend material". You obviously need to find ways of meeting new people - going out to new places, perhaps finding new hobbies where you may meet girls?
Intriguing that, at such a young age, you say all your previous girlfriends had "crazy luggage". Even at such a young age, you cannot expect to meet girls with absolutely no past, even assuming you are attracted to girls your own age. I find it hard to imagine that so many girls of this age could have so much "crazy baggage". Either you are attracted to troubled girls, older women or you are expecting too much. Perhaps you need to look at your expectations? Most people come with some sort of a past and that is what has helped to make them what they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): This post is not to denigrate labourers. Many fine people work as labourers and do go on to marry and have children.
But labouring work is hard and dirty.
It is fraught with dangers such as work injuries. It can be bad for the health of the labourer.
This post is instead about the mind of a 17 to 18 year old girl.
And why it may be more difficult to convince such a girl to date you.
I can also tell that you are looking for a nice girl who respects you and who does not come along with bags and bags of hangups.
Girls can be choosy.
At around 17 the ones who are considering their future will also be mindful of their parent's viewpoints, especially the viewpoint of their father.
A father is going to be impressed with your future prospects. If you are on the path to study something that can become a higher income career the father will be impressed.
Even if you lack muscles the father will not be bothered as you have a plan that will take persistence and commitment and good oranisational skills to achieve your goals.
Your foot will be in the door. The parents will be happy.
And even if that relationship runs into rocky times you will still be mixing with girls studying towards similarly prestigous careers.
But if you are doing a job that requires lots of manual labour you'll arrive home each day tired, sweaty and your clothing dirty and in need of a wash.
The money right now might seem attractive. But over time the work will take a toll on your body. Yet every day, whether you are 20 or 40 or 60 you will be required to work as hard as you already do, rain hail or shine.
Not a lot to look forward to for you and for any partner.
And as long as you remain laboring you are less likely to find girls willing to date you right now.
And once you are older, and if you remain as a laborer the pickings may become even smaller.
Do you have a plan to consider studying part time with a view to developing a career path to a more attractive (to a prospective GF) job than labouring?
Have you considered volunteering to occasionally provide your skills in a volunteer capacity. Doing that is likely to bring you into contact with a wider circle of good people.
Mix in with good people. Is there a sporting club that plays a physical sport where the teams are mixed (men and women) I think tennis would be one such sport.
The aim is to widen the circle of people you already mix with. When you meet more people you also naturally increase the chances of meeting the one.
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