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Why are you texting me if you don't want me?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 March 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 22 June 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

This is about texting. I know many people have many views on this topic. I don't mine if its not the only form of communication. My story is I had been talking to this guy, who use to call me all the time. We spoke several times a day and text quite frequently as well. But, our relationship/dating situation has changed, and I am really not sure why. But, he definately does not call me anymore. He texts me almost everyday except weekends I notice. I was replying and then I decided to stop. Because I just feel like constantly texting me is like feeding a dog crumbs, especially if your in that 40 age group. Well, after I did not respond, he is texting me to see if I am ok and did I get his previous text. Again, I have refued to answer. I have sort of cut out a lot of the in between about the short lived relationship that wasn't bad. I think he might be seeing someone else. But, I just don't know why if you call someone they really do not want to talk to you, they would text you. If he was really concerned at all about me. I would presume he would just call. What possible reason would a man distants himself from you, but at the same time text you, it lets me know he's thinking about me, but it' sad he won't pick up the phone and really call to find out. Could it be a guilt thing? He doesn't text me for sex, but what message could he be trying to send. I don't really want to be with you anymore , but I want just say hi. This boogles my mind. In the beginning, I thought getting those message was good, beause he was thinking of me. But, now I just think he must think I am some little girl, that's all he has to do to keep me interested. I stepped back. What is the point of just texting someone after you have broken up and you don't call to see how they are doing, what could be the point from the male prospective around 40yrs old?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009):

i text my ex when i get bored. i no longer want that kind of relationship with them but its nice to have someone to flirt with. Whne i started something new with the new guy, i stop for the sake of respect. however men, dont always know to stop. So, if hes not calling you, then he just wants you around... a guy that hasn't settled in 40s...is that someone you really wanna be with or be concerned about?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009):

In reading the responding posts to date, all of them seem incorrect, to me. I think there may be more to your story than you see as relevant, and have shared.

Maybe this person likes you still, but felt you were getting too anxious and focused on some "plan" for how he should behave.

Every person is different. I text because I enjoy writing, or have background noise, or want to show the person I am thinking about them but may not have time or want to get into a drawn out conversation.

if he is texting you to keep you as a sidebar, while he pursues someone else,...? that's good, in a way. It is better he cools it off while he figures out what he wants, vs if he spends time with you and is calling, but doing the same w someone else.....right?

So. If you don't like what he is doing...so early on, in any of his behavior...you are probably not a good fit.

If you are interested, just hang out, dont overthink things, and do what comes naturally.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009):

I think he IS feeding you crumbs, hoping those crumbs will keep you around while he either fools around, or handles some problem in his life that you're not involved in. A lot of people don't want to be alone, and if he's fooling around but not sure where the new relationship is going, he wants you to be there if it ends. That's a really crappy scenario, but it happens all the time. You should continue to give him the cold shoulder and look around a bit yourself. Even is he isn't dating someone else, he has disconnected from you and probably isn't coming back emotionally. Good luck, I've been in a very similar situation recently and am still getting over it. It's very painful to be so disrespected by someone you love and trust.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009):

Thanks for your response male reader. But this is no friendship. This was a relationship that he all of a sudden just changed. He doesn't text me but that once in the morning if he does that. I would say about 4X out of the week I would just get a good morning text. That doesn't tell me he wants my friendship. I broke down and called him when my car wasn't working and although he tried to help when I tried to bring up us he didn't have any words and he didn't check back with me to see if everything is ok. To think we could just go into friend mode after he never really ended the relationship is ridulous to me. I am angry at him for not handling this situation. So once again, if he doesn't want me and he only texts me good morning, why does he bother? I did tell him a month ago that we could not be friends I had too much feeling for him to go back to friendship. Texting me I feel like he just thinks this will keep me holding on. For I guess when he feels like picking up the phone. He has damage the chance of a friendship on how he handled the relationship. why is he texting me this good morning messages, sometimes at 6am. Why?

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A male reader, anoms United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2009):

anoms agony auntMaybe he's not trying to tell you anything other then let you know he appreciates your friendship, a lot of times it ends on a sour note but you should be happy, if he just likes to chat and isn't specifically spying on you (you'd know im sure) then there's not really any harm in staying close friends with a guy if it's not about sex, good luck.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2009):

DrPsych agony auntOk, I am not a 'male perspective' but reading your post, here are my thoughts...text messages should be confined to sending people mundane messages like 'fetch some milk' or 'I am running 10 minutes late', not for maintaining personal relationships. If this man really liked you, he would call you and knock your door down as he would want to hear your voice and see you in person. He is texting you to keep you hanging around. He is perhaps dating someone else and he can text you privately without too many questions. He maybe is keeping you in reserve to feed his ego on a rainy day (not very nice but it happens). He maybe texting because he isn't dating again but is emotionally disconnected from you. He doesn't want deep and meaningful conversations about you and him, just idle chitchat when he is bored. He maybe just a text addict - one of those irritating people on the train who text everyone just to get a reply so they can show the world they are loved everytime their phone beep, beep, beeps. Whatever the reason behind his behaviour, it is clear that you still have feelings for him. I suggest you cut ties from text-man and don't reply - he may well pick up the phone then, but you should try to find someone who treats you with respect and who makes their feelings very clear. GOOD LUCK!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009):

I know it seems trivial, but can someone reply to my question. Because this really bugs me out.

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