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Why are all men selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastards??!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2008) 53 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2013)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Why are all men selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastards??! Theyre so nice when they want sumthing then they discard you like a piece of rubbish. They can be the best boyfriend ever but wont think twice about dumping you for another woman and flaunting her in front of your face. Why do us women get emotionally attached while men just cut all ties, see ya later and you dont hear from them ever again? How can men just forget all the good times, as well as the bad, they have with a girl and move onto the next without a seconds thought and then when you see them in the street they just walk on by like a complete stranger? Do they not have a conscience? I know some of you will tell me that there are good men out there, and I know there are, but they are very few and far between. Im 25 and still looking for Mr Right, Ive had my heartbroken so many times. Why are all men nasty?

View related questions: heartbroken, move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013):

oh look its another women ranting about how all men are pigs cos one of them screwed you over, how freaking original

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A female reader, kitty3 United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2013):

I have a theory that any man; father, grandfather, brother, son or lover would be unfaithful if given the chance.

I believe if a man was sure he wouldn't get caught he would go for it. I have married friends who wish they were single and single friends who wish they were married.

I have friends who have given their partner a second chance after they have been unfaithful and they end up despising them but stay for the children and the security. Men are selfish, cruel and unkind. It is a sad sorry fact.

The best solution is to be single, successful and in control of your own destiny. Learn to love yourself.

Women are the doorway to this world, without us they wouldn't exist. I read once that if a man was forced to endure the pain of childbirth he would die.

We are stronger in mind, stamina and discipline than them...we DO NOT NEED THEM!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012):

I hear you sister... I just got dumped last night and it bloody hurts. Thought being honest and not play games is the way to be in any relationships, friends or lovers.

So I opened my heart.

Turns out he was just using me. His parting words were " I think you are sexy but we want different things so I want to go back to being friends. Because I will always be here for you" Does he think saying that eases this pain? More like easing his conscience. Does he really think I will ask for his help after being rejected so badly? It's like saying 'I liked the packaging but the inside didn't match my expectations, so thanks but no thanks'

I vow never to be this vulnerable again, it's too painful. I hope there are great guys out there but this one certainly was not. He was one of those outwardly kind but in truth a very cruel human being.

I am a divorced 50 year old, so I guess my chance of finding a decent guy is pretty slim.

Hope you are doing ok now. You are young and so many opportunities out there, get out there, be in it, but tread gently, I wish you all well.

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A female reader, roza123 United States +, writes (27 August 2012):

Most men are very egocentric . They dating younger women because of that. You know that they want younger woman to take care of them when they get old. But when older woman gets older they dont like to do that!!!So selfish. I dated so many men!!! All immature and just party and sex they want.

I am 55 now I was divorce at age 35 and most of the men are like that. Also first time they see me all they want is SEX, but not relations. I was looking for LOVE and nothing happened to me

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (6 June 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntUnfortunately, I have had the same experience as you. I guess it is called "having a relationship but expecting a man to do absolutely nothing". I have to laugh at some of the posts on here, and I realize this is a little old, but I always thought that when I entered a relationship, it would be for the companionship of another person. I never dreampt that when I got into a relationship that I would be expected to do everything myself and do everything by myself. AND, if I complain about that, I am bitching. If I wanted to do everything ALONE, I would be SINGLE...and guess what? I AM! I get sick of playing games with men. Men, we realize you need your time to do your thing. So do we. We also realize we should do things for ourselves and not expect you to do everything. But, let's face it, a lot of you men just expect to be in a relationship and not have to work at it at all. I was the woman who always left my man notes, always praised him (because he deserved it, and did everything I could to be sexy and alluring. Guess what? It still wasn't enough. So, I kicked the douche bag to the curb and am still doing what I've always done. Enjoying my life without him! Girls, life is too short to waste on someone who does not appreciate you, your uniqueness, and your life. Men, I do agree that some women are drama queens, but that is not the vast majority of us. If you men don't really want relationships...DON'T GET IN ONE! It's just confusing for everyone involved!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

I've been through alot of shit to baby, I never thought I would find MR right, but I think this time I really have, be positive dont look to hard an he will come along, my problem was looking to hard when all the time he was right there under my nose, just give it time an you will get there too xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

I had such an horrendous time with the last relationship, suffered at e hands of verbal abuse and mental cruelty, culminating in him tellng me that there as no point in f.....g me because he never got any response. And that it was like necrophilia, topping it off with teling me to fuck off and watching a woman on the internet doing strange things with a dog. He would buy me a present and then the following night tell me he was bored and tell me to piss off, this happened twice but most of the time he cooked tea every night, spoilt me, looked after me but also behind my back text other women telling them he wasnt in love. At the same time asking if I wanted to go on holiday 3 months and 6 months in advance. Jekyll and Hyde. It disturbed me and has affected my life for a year and a half at least, man is a doctor but vicious to the extreme and was boozing and womanising. And then accusing me of being a bunny boiler even though he was going on holiday with me 2 weeks after that. It was the nice to nasty which did me. Can't really go into the extent as too painful now. But think you reach a point where you have to accept that the bloke didnt love you therefore equals bad behaviour and be philosophical about it. I only found out about the other women through the neighbour and so I looked at his phone. I don't think he was mentaly stable whilst seeing me but I don't think he was a bastard cos I put up with it and I could have walked. I do however think he is the cruelist , wierdist person I have ever met and has a bipolar disorder. As a result of alchohol and not being happy with his own life with me.

I arent over the repercussions and I still cant move on but I arent looking trough rose coloured glasses. Funny enough I did call him a basard to someone today and by his own admission he probably knows that he is but I prefer not to use the word as it states the norm if youve allowed it to happen.

Think its that they all can be if you let em !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011):

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:

This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.

When you are strong enough to love yourself and still look at me 100%, good and bad while looking at me - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you while looking at me.”

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011):

Ok, first off all we need to seperate violent people such as men who acctually hurt women physically. That to me is a bad man and with all right to be called a bastard.

And by writing this I would like to say this is a generalization and do not apply to all people in the world. But I would say it applies to most of us.

Moving on to the relationship between women and men it is an impossible discussion to have because both sides would argue they are right and the other is wrong. But looking at it from a 3rd person perspective and objectivly can shine some light on a lot of things.

MEN

The thing with men is that they are simple and like to keep it that way. They dont make to much fuzz about small things and they dont generally care unless there is a fire. This how ever is not intentionally to make things bad for others but rather a way of living life easy and worry free. (which is what most stress therapies are all about). We like to do things for our woman but in our own way and not all the time (again doesnt comply with our philosophy of a worry free life), and this is with all our heart.

WOMAN

Women on the other hand are creatures that thrive on drama and must feel that they are appreciated and loved most of the time. This is true since A) Most views of drama, celerity news and soap shows on media are women B) Most prone to take their time to look in the mirror and doing their make-up in order to feel desireble are women (they also compliment other women on their looks far more than any man would to to a fellow mate). Women also expect far to much of their man and by doing so she is always on edge making sure those expectations are full-filled (like keeping her level of tidyness up to scratch every second, satisfying her needs on her level of satisfaction like taking her to restaurants, buying flowers, jewlery etc). The women is also then more prone to start arguments just becuase of these unreasonable expectations (of course, to her they are NOT unreasonable which makes sense since she is the one who made them up). A women will then walk around thinking (why has he not done this for me, why has he not cleaned that up, why has he not etc etc..) building up an anger twards him and then waiting for the right moment to open an argument about anything.. The man will just stand there like a huge question mark not knowing what just happend.. Like the chinease in hiroshima during 2nd world war..

An argument is then started and will most of the times end badly with both sides very upset and angry. He will argue back saying that she is being unresonable and telling her that she is acting crazy and mad for nothing (which she is, but the argue is about all the things she been thinking about really but she wont say it). She then loose her arguments and tries to finish the argument with something like "you're an asshole" or "I hate you" or "You never do anything for me, you selfish bastard"

Now the question to the woman here is "What did you accomplish by this argument?" and "Do you think after an attack like this he will change, and why should he?

Another problem women have is that they tend to want to control the man. This is true in most cases where she decides she will buy him cloths that SHE think he should wear. She will also use the famous nagging technic in order to try to maintain control over him. How ever, nagging is a form of demanding in a very negative way and will always do more damage than good (of course the women will argue its the only option she has got with is not true or she is a very angry negative person). Instead of demanding things women can ask nicely and any man would be more than happy to do it for her (maybe not right away all the time, who can expect that unless its a slave or an employee). But again, she will argue that she have already tired asking before and no success. Well here's a hint ladies. Using abusive force in form of nagging and demanding with an agressive tone will NOT, I repeat NOT change that at all. It will ALWAYS make things worse and he will turn on you and probably soon leave you or cheat on you..

A relationship needs 3 things if you ask me, and they are:

1. Trust (goes both ways, you need to trust in all ways)

2. Mutal respect (dont treat the other person in a way that you wouldnt want to be treated)

3. Unconditional love (if you dont know what this means, then you should think twice before you get yourself into a relationship)

good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011):

I always go for 'nice huys' ALWAYS! They are usually friends I have had for a long time and know me and how I am and have earnt their way into my heart by proving themselves over a period of time. I never go for jerks or arrogant or conventionally ood looking assholes and geuss what my conclusion is....

MOST MEN ARE ASSHOLES AND THEIR IS NO SUCH THING AS A TRULY NICE GUY!

The last guy I went out with before we got together actually asked me, 2 weeks before plucking up the courage to ask me out "Why do girls never go for nice guys" I said "Because nice guys don't ask" We had abeautiful romantic and passionatee relationship for eight months. I went away on a month's business trip and when I came back he was acting odd and I sniffed a rat and dumped him first. THANK GOD because it turned out he had been cheating on me whilst writing me romantic heartfelt emails full of "I love you's and missing you's". He didnt have the decency of breaking up with me first. NO he led me right on till I got on the plane and then wrote an email consisting of five sentences to sum up things and basically it was "ufair to her" that he was cheating on me... go figure.

Right now I am shell shocked. I don't know how I am going to be in my next relationship. If this is the act of a self proclaimed "niceguy" then we are all in trouble. so to those "Nice Guys" If you are really out there pluck up your balls and stand like a man and ask a nice girl out and be good to her when you get her! And also evaluate if you really are a nice guy n if you fid yourself lacking shut the F Up allready!

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A female reader, adart United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

To much conversation on this subject, when it is very simple, the signs are there at the begining if your gut feeling tells you he is to good to be true, then you are right. one strike and out, and be wise, do not stick around after you have seen some obvious bad behaviour, you can stop him in his tracks by simply never giving him the time of day.

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A female reader, funkeymonkey690 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2010):

maybe in some ways men are bastards, but i guess you weren't complaining when things were good between the two of you right?

im sorry to be blunt, but its so easy to say harsh words when things aren't going you way.

have you never been a complete bitch at one point or another in your life? maybe not in a relationship, but in anoter aspect of you life.

my advice? get over it and carry on with your life and treat others how you want to be treated

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

The sad part is, is that when you've got kids. Because not only will us females suffer but so will our children! It's totally ridiculous! I think there are some good men out there but they're definitely rare. It makes me sick! Again it's a part of life that we all have to embrace - we gotta move on...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010):

I totally agree with you! I was with my ex for 10 years and we have two beautiful children together but over the last few weeks, he has been carrying on behind my back with a 19 year old barmaid and student!!! (He is 32!)He has lied totally, saying he wanted a break cos we weren't getting on (we were!) and that he need to think about how he feels. She had shown her interest in him on facebook knowing that he had kids and was engaged. He totally denied she was talking about him. Two days after he goes to his mums for a 'break', he is seen in her local Spar shop with a bottle of wine heading towards her house. He would not admit anything, saying I was paranoid and mental. The first time he has our 2 year old daughter for the day (2 weeks after he moved out), he takes his girlfriend along to the park and the pub. He then comes back and drops her off and says they went out with his sister for the day(Auntie ****). My daughter then tells me about going to the park with the other Auntie **** !!!!!!!! I phone him to ask who he went with and then he lied about 4 or 5 times saying I was paranoid and that it's no wonder he doesn't tell me anything, I react so badly to stuff! God only knows what my 2 year old is thinking. He is a selfish arrogant pig who has shown no feelings or remorse for me or our children throughout this horrific ordeal. He keeps pressuring me to move out of the family home so he can start a new life and move on. What a P*&+k he is. When this teenager leaves him, he will have nothing left except a gaping whole and I hope he suffers for the rest of his miserable little life. All men are bastards and I will NEVER give my time, love or heart to them again. x

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A female reader, wam United States +, writes (22 October 2010):

Well,men are into dominance and control,it is in their make-up.just like alot of the animal kingdon.Look at dogs,or lions .or even monkeys,they want control.or another way to put it,their way,that is when they are most content,they are not that ubselfishly loving by nature,if they are truly christian then they can change and be more loving,but they still seek to dominate and subdue the female,snuff out her own individual essense is another way to put it.Most men are very selfish,and when it comes down to it want everything their way.Some dont and actually feeling bad about this evil trait,go against it,and then mean women come around and beat these types down.It is a visous cycle,this earth has alot of pain in it.Pray to God for things to get better.Women suffer alot. most Men want control,it makes them feel .,like a big man.Control means disempowering someone else.

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A male reader, MG GAY GUY  Australia +, writes (9 October 2010):

You know it's exactly the same in the gay world. The mind games, the chase and the vanishing after they've caught you, the lies.

God I wish I had the choice to turn straight.

Recently went through much the same sort of experience. When I was interested he was very cool towards me. Now that I don't ever want to see or hear from him again he is interested. I am giving him a taste of his own medicine - he ignored me and my two texts for three days after we finally hooked up. Now he wants me to be interested again. He sent me a text last night 'hey how about being friends with benefits?" - I replied with "Um. Forgot your email address - if you text it to me I will explain what's going on" - I was going to make him wait three days before I sent anything - then had a better idea - make him wait forever. So he won't be getting an email, or texts or phone calls. Nothing. Let him wonder what he did and why I can't even be bothered replying - and I am one of the good guys who doesn't play games, is honest, romantic and polite in the extreme. I have never cheated on anyone. There are some good guys out there, I like to think I'm one of them - but to a degree of 75% - YES MEN ARE BASTARDS!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010):

There is no such thing as Mr. Right, I've been married for 11 years and I tell ya its the worst mistake I have ever done because they are all just selfish bastards.

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A male reader, mondrose Greece +, writes (2 August 2010):

Men are not bastards, sometimes we don't know what to do when it comes to REJECTING a girl. Sometimes we don't call, because we don't want to say the bad words..

Girls, face it. You are prone to be rejected sometimes..We are too. Don't make up wild theories in your heads..

Basically, don't use sex to get a man, and when you don't get him, complain about it...It's pathetic..Just enjoy it..

If a guy doesn't seem keen on you, chances are he will stay that waym after you had sex too..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

Men are not bastards, sometimes we don't know what to do when it comes to REJECTING a girl. Sometimes we don't call, because we don't want to say the bad words..

Girls, face it. You are prone to be rejected sometimes..We are too. Don't make up wild theories in your heads..

Basically, don't use sex to get a man, and when you don't get him, complain about it...It's pathetic..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010):

Hi I am 21.I Think there are nice men out there. I met what i thought was an amaizing kind hot guy, we got along well after a few weeks of seeing him we slept together. Then His chase was over, He got me hooked. as soon as he new i was hooked like he was with me at the start he didnt want me anymore. so I just let it go i didnt bother ringing or calling to ask why..because I no how these assholes work. I called a few times one night when he never turned up for a date and never botherd to ring to tell me he wasnt coming. BTW he was totally obsessed with me for weeks..and then when i started to like him and slept with him he started to act different..men always want wat they cant have..its sad but its a game to these kind of men. And by the way who ever said we choose these kind of men..somtimes we dnt they choose us, charm us with there FAKE careing personality..then after leav us!Im feeling like that person i thought he was i really liked and can't understand how he can just throw what we had away so fast. :(

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A female reader, mango1 United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2010):

Hi.I've just read your question and i have to say it's so refreshing to hear that other women have the same problems i do.I am also 25.I have been trying to find mr.right my whole life.All i have ever experienced in my love life is hurt,pain and disrespect.I am fortunate or unfortunate(however you want to see it)to be good looking.I have therefore not been short of admirers.Ever since i was 15 i have attracted men's attention.I come from a big loving family.I'm a down to earth, easy going woman.I would never ever lose interest in a man because of his salary or any other material things simply because that would not be what would attract me to him to begin with.I go out to bars and social events and almost always get approached by a guy.Nine times out of ten their chat up lines are''I can't believe a girl like you could be single'' or ''why don't you have a boyfriend''?.I feel like screaming at them.''I would have if even one of you were capable of not cheating, lying or treating me like dirt''.It makes me so angry when i read problem pages where girls have had these experiences and the agony aunt turns the blame on them!''your choosing the wrong men'' or ''you need to respect yourself before anyone else can respect you''! No i'm sorry but that's just bullshit.I don't choose the wrong men they choose me.I have the utmost respect for myself as a person.I know i'm loyal, faithful, kind and considerate.I know there will be men reading this calling me cynical and bitter.Well you know what?Maybe i am.I have learned from 10 years of crushing hurt that men cannot be trusted.And if one day, with or without a man in my life, i'm lucky enough to have a daughter i will not read her fairytales of knights in shining armour.I will not delude her.The facts remain.Once upon a time there were gentlemen.Caring men who were honorable.Who told a woman they loved her and meant it.Men who had respect for women.Those men no longer exist.And the sooner us ladies accept that, the easier life will be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010):

Well, I'm a man, and I can understand your feelings, but one thing I think everyone in the world has to realize is that they can't look at the hearts or minds of everyone around them. I live in Tennessee, and I can tell you, nobody in my area acts like what any of you have described. I think what happens after marriage is when a man takes his vows, he takes it too literally. He thinks that being a leader means controlling everything. But what it means is being a spiritual leader. Saying grace over the dinner table, bible reading if it's a Christian family, things like that. And so when a man takes it too literally, the woman (that is, some women, not all)begin to grow more and more annoyed, and feels like she's not being respected. But in truth, men often can't see the hurt they're causing. In truth, they love their wives and children more than ever. All they think of is not sex. ...Sometimes they think of the golf game on TV. Just kidding.

Anyway, women here who have these misperceptions of what is apparently considered a totally different species now, I dare you to sit down with your husband, and talk to him. Tell him you feel disrespected and unloved. Find out the real story.

If all men were deceptive, God would not have created us. It's not in our nature. The thing is, that men and women have different bodies and different instincts, but we're both human, and so we both jump to the obvious conclusions. In truth, we can't see inside each others' hearts.

Lastly, remember that each man and each woman is different from the next. No man (or woman) has the same exact thoughts as the other. We're not a different species. I have seen perverted slobs of men before, and been disgusted.

Now! Go get me a steak, will ya, hon? XP

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009):

Hi there, well, in response most of the women that I have met are shallow and stupid. They are interested until they find you have no money and then they are off and treat you like dirt. They are so awful at this, their acting is so lousy. And while they do it you have to pretend that you are falling for it. Now, some women I have met are not like that. I always compliment such women. In just such a way you must only have met idiots so far. Try this, instead of saying 'how much money do you have?' try 'are you an idiot?' instead. Also, under no circumstances go out with someone because they share the same interests, UNLESS you find that they share the same values as yourself. Good luck, you will need it. Schools educate people, but not in manners, and Governments lead people, by taxing them to death.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009):

i agree with u man

guys are absolute dick heads and full of shit

no matter how sweet they may appear

they have the innane sence to be a dickhead

one day itll come in front of u (to those hu disagree)

ull c it in any guy

Ms Caramel

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009):

Hi All,

I stumbled across this chat while in search of answers, answers to why I have done some of the things I have done and why I have/am changing as a person and most importantly why my morals have shifted over the years and is it normal??????

Let me explain, I have a great family with parents who separated in kind of a good way when I was 21 so no trauma there, they did a great job of bringing us up and instilled good morels into each of us.

Most of my life I have had long term relationships and been treated not so good quite a few times but I had not shifted, I stayed strong and vowed never to cheat or be dishonest, (thanks' mum and dad :-) As the years went on I took a few more hits and break ups and once kissed another girl, since it didn't mean much though I didn't let it bother me, I carried on in life lets say being left for probably being to soft with girls and several years later I almost kissed another girl while towards the end of a long term commitment. A few years later I got totally crushed! Since then I refuse commitment but still need things in life ;-) the tables had effectively turned and two days ago I broke someone's heart (for the first time) who I care dearly for, not by cheating but by ending it before the commitment came and I may loose her friendship forever, this woke me up so I began trying to understand why we do this to ourselves and each other. I always call it lions and tigers, comparing our selves to animals, after all that's what we are, another animal species!

I found this very interesting if rather long answer to my question;

http://women.webmd.com/guide/why-we-cheat

In short if women and men treated each other better most of us wouldn't end up so twisted and on the other side there is my favourite all time quote from the film Alfie;

"Just remember each time you see a great looking girl walking down the street, some where there is a guy who is sick to death of shagging her"

And that works both ways! (sorry for rambling).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009):

I think you are speaking through what you have experienced!

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A female reader, vicious Canada +, writes (15 April 2009):

Most men are everything you said, in short, PIGS.

All the so called good ones are taken and repressed.

What everyone here doesn't understand is, we are attracted to attractive men or men just as attractive as we are. So as superficial as it may be, it does make sense. Attraction has to be there. We want to find someone compatibly attractive but the retarded thing is it seems like all attractive men are pigs! Even if they have some looks to them, if they are able to attract women, they will try to get away with whatever they can, collect as many women etc. scumbag players...then there are gay guys (sensitive)guys... what good are they to women when they have chosen to be with men.

So what's left, unattractive men. Should we settle for a man with a good heart who we are not the least bit attracted to, we would be living a lie if we ever married one, our eyes would wander and we wouldn't be in love.

If we married an attractive one, he would probably cheat on us. So, damned if you do or don't. Better to stay single?

We would be sexually frustrated or miss the intimacy of cuddling. So what is a woman to do...I know I wouldn't give men the satisfaction of turning this world to PORN hell.

Women are not wired that way, although there are a lot of women out there who have turned themselves into slut bimbos

...I guess they thought can't beat em join them or whatever, they are abused and no moral values etc.

Oh well this world is just a mess and women really got the short end.

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A male reader, jenko87 United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2009):

Well..

I think you are being a bit harsh on all men..but I can see where your coming from.

The problem is..women are just as bad..men want all the same things women do,but women mess men around alot more..there are plenty of nice blokes around and men are nice to women alot of the time to be friendly and hopefully develop a relationship..BUT..

we spend all our time being nice to a girl and hoping something will happen and it never ever does..so we try again with another girl then another and nothing happens..by this time we have lost alot of respect for women over this..

I think if a man does get into a meaningful relationship with someone..he will remember the good times and the bad..the reason for ignoring you or being weird is this..

1.they ignore you because the felt so much for you..but it did'nt work out and don't wanna open that can of worms!!

Or

2.they never felt much for you and did'nt see things going anywhere..so your better off without.

Or

3.They are shy.

I think you have just been unlucky.

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A female reader, beginagain08 United States +, writes (22 January 2009):

Dear, I have never visited one of these sites not to metion reply to a question, however, seeing situation I am currently dealing with as a 34 year old mother of 2 (5&7) I feel compelled to give you what I believe it the answer, which, prior to yesterday, I would not have answered in the same way.

The real condensed story goes like this.... I married at the time I was 26, and we had our son, who was three months at the time. So at your age I was looking for the right man, just like yourself, and I had found him. We both enjoyed much of the same stuff, had the same sense of humor and I would have called him my best friend for the first several years, not even seeing the disrespct/selfish actions gradually increasing. I had the successfu; career and he worked, but rarely over time and took off any unpaid leaves offered, but I did not mind, he had the health insurance and covered this child support for his daughter. We had a beautiful home on 18 acres, horses, dogs, cats, two beautiful chilren and money in the bank. My credit was impecible and we were "everyones dream" however the job was consuming my time and I told him I was going to find another job, we did not need to make that much to be very comfortable, he agreed and also agreed to stop taking so much time off.

I typed this to you from my two bedroom townhouse apartment, house foreclosed and car repo'd - eventually leading to my losing my job due to him using my expense account card to gamble on line and they let me go. It has been rocky but suddenly he was able to find a really good paying job in the next state, left, I am filing divorce if I can ever find the money and he has not "been able to find money to send us yet" but we was able to take the dog to the vet today for a pysical and vaccinations.

I serious soul searching yesterday I started realizing that even when things "we good" they were not. I was continually given a complex about the time I spent at work and got so tired of trying to justify why I should be able to go out and do things sometimes too, when a sitter couid not be found I eventually just quit. Slowly over time I became the "beautiful wife who pays the bills" nothing but a bragging right and support.

The answer to your question is easy, but admitting it is the hardest thing ever. MEN ARE SELFISH, DIRESPECTFUL IGNORANT BASTARDS because we ALLOW THEM TO BE. They will juat keep looking for one that will put up with it, even if it is slowly at first, so DO NOT SETTLE just because this one is not nearly as bad as the others. The truth is they are not ALL prone to that but it is hard as hell to find the one that still remembers how to treat a lady. You are better off being unmarried, have children if you want and dating than you would be allowing yourself to walk into this trap- just felt I needed to share this and I pray maybe, this will save you from the pain, anger, embarassment and hardship that I am in while typing it....

RJK - Ohio

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A female reader, jane1352 United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2008):

Why are all Men Bastards?....

Now that is a hugeeee question.

Sometimes I think its just cause they can be

Maybe its the way they are brought up to view women as whores or mothers unaware that women are intensly individual living and experiancing and struggling with building and creating their lives

honestly its so hard

I recently tried an experiment and sent off for one of those stupid "secret" how to get a girl for men eletter things just to see what men are being told to do

and my god that was an eye opener

It assumed that all men really want is the best looking girls sexually available to them when ever they want... and lots of them one after another with the girs being ok about this and just accepting it.

I got so mad reading it

People trying to make money by reinforcing what men think they want and nothing but manipulative strategies on how to twist the world that way

but the world isnt that way

Yeah sure women are just sexual objects wanting nothing more than to be used and left with no strings attached hmm

But look this is the internet the whole thing is financed by porn. Taking the central idea that the male sexual drive is one of the most guaranteable facts of life .. a billion dollar industry in every bodys homes distorting many basic and subtle principles of human realationships

weve come this far just to abuse technology for this???

Yes indeed we have

so whos going to take responsibility for getting society back from the bestial and into some sort of humanistic form

well its got to be the women cause believe me the men cant see the problem.

ok rant over back to the questions..

Do men have a conscience?

Been thinking about this one recently..

In short No it could be something genetic in the brain make up or dna but in fact no they dont...that in a sense is what a good man gets from a woman if the realationship is sucessfull

She will act as his conscience, want to be a better man with her ect ect...

Why do women get attached and men not?

Well I read somewhere that during love making a chemical oxytocin is released in the females brain but not the male

same chemical that occurs when a woman gives birth to bond her to her child

men do NOT have this chemical released so do not go through the same bonding experiance through sex

hence they can take sex or leave it

and the porn industry totally ignores this biological difference trying to push women into being as sexually promiscuous as mean biologically are..but it all ties in wonderfully as it regenerates more money to be pumped into the pharmacutical industry as more and more women are pushed onto antidepressants just for basicly being women sigh...The solution is to rebel against all this crap!

Forget going from this hurt state of mind your in to searching for Mr Right

and go from here into caring about you!

Promise yourself your not going to get involved until you feel ready.

Take a good hard look at yourself as to why its all playing out as it is

Make it your mission to regenerate your soul heal grow .. train yourself to see lies and dismiss them as you see them, everyone is on a journey struggling to get it right ..

You have the power to choose to see that and forgive or at least eventualy youll get to that point

In the mean time protect yourself from more pain.

and thank your lucky stars your free as you need to be:)

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A male reader, Crafter Bulgaria +, writes (30 October 2008):

Crafter agony auntGreat to "read" that, babe. I'm happy for you.

Keep us posted.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok guys I apologise, I didt realise this would cause offence to some of you and I was wrong to say "Why are ALL men bastards" when, in fact, it is only some men that are complete asses and others can be great. I know this, Im just guessing that maybe all the men Ive had relationships with have been bad and therefore I bring it on myself.

When I wrote the post, I wasnt just thinking of my own situation. I have friends that have been treated disgustingly by men and every time I pick up a magazine theres a story from some poor girl who's new husband slept with her bestfriend etc, or some poor older lady who gets conned out of all her life savings when she meets a much younger guy on holiday and agrees to sell up her home and move to his country where she realises that he only wanted her money anyway.

Taking this all into consideration, I know girls can be complete bitches too. I would tell you about my ex, the one who has made me feel like this but, to be honest, I dont think he's even worth the effort of me writing it down. Yes I did get dumped for another woman but theres ALOT more to it than that.

Thanks for all your replies tho and advice. I will continue looking for Mr Right but this time with a different outlook and expectations.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008):

The problem is guys see assholes getting the girl so they naturaly mimic their behaviour. Don't bleat on all men are assholes, when you endorse and promote that kind of behaviour.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008):

One more thing to add, as this topic hits a nerve (I've never been around jerks you know... so yes, I think it's insulting to men).

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. Sad, but true. Yes, it's cliche. But true.

The way that you generalize about guys being jerks, I could generalize that all women like bad guys (a.k.a ASSHOLES!). But that's not true, because I hate bad guys. There's a reason to them being bad, and it ain't because they're "rebellious or mysterious". Nah, they're jerks!

Same as bitchy, high-maintenance women... they pair well with bad guys. None of them are interested in forming deep meaningful relationships anyway...

But a lot of women tend to overlook nice guys. There are plenty of nice guys! But they get overlooked, and really, you have no idea what you're missing. They're honest, loyal, caring... But they're underrated. You may be overlooking them. They're not the ones who are charming the first time they meet you and start flirting with you with pickup lines like "I think your eyes are two stars that fell off from the sky"... no, no, no, the nice guy is the one that takes it slow, out of RESPECT for you.

Sadly, a lot of girls think that guys that are respectful and actually wait to know you WELL before getting in your pants, are guys that are friend material, or that maybe they aren't interested in you because he didn't tell you to go to his place after your first meeting. Wrong, wrong, wrong... capital mistake right there! Get to know the guy, be patient and then you'll figure him out instead of jumping into a "relationship" right away...!

The best that can happen is you find a great boyfriend. Maybe he wasn't interested, but you gain a terrific friend. Maybe, after all, the worst happens and you two just weren't compatible - but wait, this is isn't "the worst", this is great because you saved yourself from the heartbreak of having a disfunctional relationship. So everybody wins.

Stop generalizing, although it sounds like you have just come out of one of these relationships, so maybe that explains your tone. But really, my boyfriend is terrific. My father fell in love with my mom the moment he saw her and they've been together for almost 30 years, and they both admit it grows everyday and it's the best that has happened to them. Has it been easy? No, of course not, every couple faces issues. But when love is real, those issues are always tackled as "us", knowing that you'll work it out.

Just don't get discouraged! And keep your eyes open for a nice guy - they are hard to notice at first, but you know, what is the point of finding a treasure if you're not willing to look hard for it?

Read responses from the uncles here at DC... that's the kind of guy you need to find. Not prince charming from the latest romantic comedy... but an honest, loyal, caring, down to earth guy. They do exist, and DC is proof of it.

Oops! guess I had a lot of stuff to add, not just one...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Look at Russell Brand irresistable to women, yet a complete asshole. There's your answer you pick em.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2008):

hlskitten agony auntlol fade, I went on there years ago. I thought it was just a chat site full of commitment phobes that prefer internet relaionships to real life ones.

Maybe we are too fussy!

C xxxxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Maybe you should try err... looking for nice guys? I'm sorry but I really hate this naivety and ignorance in women who fall for these confident jackasses and thus by doing this they abandon their moral standards just to be with the uber confident asshole thinking there mught be a sensitive/softer side to him underneath.

I don't believe that you're unlucky, simply put you chose them.

A tip for the future, if they act like jerks on the outside, even if they have a sensitive side to them underneath, they're still inconsiderate to those around him.

Women tend to ignore the bad when it comes to "bad boys". Sorry, but you brought this on yourself. You should judge a man the same way you would judge a 'person'.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (29 October 2008):

Danielepew agony auntPoster anonymous, I have several things to say.

First, I have been called names by people who have actually met me, but this is the first time that I'm called "selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastard" and "nasty" without even having a clue that I exist. This is a gross and mistaken generalization. You have done the same thing with the rest of all living men. I suppose that your general statement includes boys who have just been born. They are male, too. And since this is a generic trait that all of us share from the moment that damned spermatozoid Y gets into the egg, well, those are guilty, too.

By the way, your father is also a "selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastard" and "nasty". If you have a son, he is, too.

Fortunately for us selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastards, not even you believe these statements to be true. By way of proof, let us see these two, ehem, "inconsistent" statements:

"Why are all men selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastards?",

and then

"I know some of you will tell me that there are good men out there, and I know there are"

Yeah, I know. "All" doesn't mean "all". It means "most".

Then, these statements are absolutely wrong:

"Why do us women get emotionally attached while men just cut all ties, see ya later and you dont hear from them ever again? How can men just forget all the good times, as well as the bad, they have with a girl and move onto the next without a seconds thought and then when you see them in the street they just walk on by like a complete stranger"

If you check this same website, you will find many posts by men who were asked for "space", for example. I came here by something like that, you know? I was forgotten way before I could forget. OH MY GOSH! Maybe those luscious, firm, 38 E boobs were fake (damned plastic surgeons), and she was a man, that is to say, a "selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastard"!!!!

We are supposed to give opinions in an emotionally detached manner. Some previous times, I have let myself get carried away and I have been told, very correctly, that I shouldn't have done that. This time I will tell you something that you will find unfair, maybe, but I will do it for the purpose of showing you that these sort of generalizations are wrong.

If this is the way you see mean, has it occurred to you that men see through you, and then leave you because you're a plague? Maybe not "selfish, disrespectful, ignorant" or "bastard", but certainly a pain you-know-where?

If you find this statement offensive, told by a stranger, then I need to say, like children, that you started it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You've probably had the bad luck of dating losers, jerks, etc. I know for a fact that a lot of men aren't like this.

Just remember that just because you've dated jerks, it doesn't mean it'll always be like this. You'll find a great guy one day, and you won't believe it! Don't be too afraid of getting hurt again in the future, because this fear may cause you to lose great chances with great guys. At least now you have developed a better "filter" for jerks.

Good luck.

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A male reader, november_rain United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2008):

Hey, we're not all like that! From my point of view, girls always go for the guys like that, and those of us who wouldn't dream of being like the guy you describe are the ones who don't get the chance to prove we wouldn't.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (29 October 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntYou received five great answers from nice guys just in this column alone. So there are plenty of nice guys out there! You just need to get over this rotten jerk and find YOUR nice guy. I'm sure he's out there still! I'm so sorry that you are hurting, Hun. It's obvious that he was pretty mean, and really, any guy who will treat you that badly isn't worth your tears. Keep an eye on his new girlfriend, she's probably next in line, and she'll need a new friend! *evil grin*

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A male reader, Dr Vendetta United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2008):

Dr Vendetta agony auntHave you considered that you're attracted all the the bastard men? i have little sympathy for women when they complain about men who are as____.. or their boyfriends or their husbands.. its because you Always pick the as_____.

And more likely than not Mr. Right is probably a guy you wouldn't even give the time of day to.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2008):

hlskitten agony auntlol eyeswideopen, thats good.

I would say you are going for the wrong type of guys.

Not being big headed, merely saying it because its relivant to the question, but ive never dated a 'traditionally' good looking guy. I always go for blokes with similar personality to me. Ive never been cheated on (that i know of) and of 3 long term relationships ive had and one 10 month one, they have all been quality blokes and I am still friends with them to this day. Only one guy I dated for 18 months off and on was a bozo, and used everybody that was in his life. And guess what, I got rid and am never going to be friends with him. Because he isn't someone I would choose as a friend.

I dont like bad boys. They turn me off, all that arrogance. I dont like liars. I dont like cheats. If I meet a guy thats still with someone, living with someone, not long split from someone, is a jack the lad, doesn't have anything to do with his kids, or anything that seems to be waving a red flag, I walk on by.

Thats not because i'm up my own arse. Far from it. I'm not perfect, have many faults. But the faults I have dont involve lying, cheating, disrespecting and treating someone like crap. And I seem to be automatically attracted to guys with similar morals.

I guess its hard to be attracted to those type of persons if you like good looking arrogant bad boys. And that must suck.

C xxxxx

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A male reader, HotANDcold United States +, writes (29 October 2008):

HotANDcold agony auntWell I believe you haven’t find “Mr. Right” because you have certain expectations in your mind, you pictured him in a certain way that would not come to be true, but you must updated your mind to reality, be open to new things especially when it comes to meet the “right one” which is certainly not going to happen. I as a man could tell you not all of us are the same. We all classified in different groups you have the one night stand ones and the ones who doesn’t know what is it they want.

Remember if you been heartbroken its not because you do not deserve to be love and happy, it is because their not the ones in your future, instead of believing you have bad luck in love say to your self I would find some one who knows how to treat me well and appreciate me for who I am.

Don’t go too serious or too fast with a man you’re just getting to know, instead of rushing take your time and never say the L world, or call him a billion of times instead let him be the one doing those things and even if he does it don’t believe them until you think he really mean them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

The honest answer to your question is they're not. Not any more so than some women anyway.

One can only assume you've just been dumped for another woman yet again. You don't give any details, but I'd like the opportunity to hear all the background to this question. Well, not ALL the background, just the relevant stuff. Can you do an update?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Pick a different type of man. You're programmed to respond to a certain type. Next time you see two men and you are instantly attracted to one, go for the other.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

not all of us are like that. some of us try so hard to impress you girls but you girls always go for the insensative cavemen. Sometimes i see this beautiful nice girls go out or prefer the guy that acts like an ass and i think to myself, why in the blue hell is she with him? So it makes me think maybe if i can act like a jerk I can attract girls and guess what? it does. so its sometimes womens fault why us men become jerk like creatures.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (29 October 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntOn the 6th day God went to the garden to speak with Adam and Eve.

He said,"I have two gifts for you two. The first one is this." And God showed them a penis.

Adam begged and begged to be the one to recieve the penis. He begged so hard that God decided he could have it and gave him the penis. Immediately Adam started running around peeing on everything in sight, writing his name in the sand, stroking it, and just generally making a fool of himself.

God and Eve just stood there watching him, then God turned to Eve and said "I guess you might as well have the other gift."

Eve said "Okay, what is it?"

"Brains" said God.

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A male reader, Crafter Bulgaria +, writes (29 October 2008):

Crafter agony auntCome on now.

Just because you've had few unsuccessful relationships, doesn't mean that we're all like that.

Yeah, nobody's perfect, but sometimes people just don't match. Besides, you don't want to get me started on women.

I've had bad experiences, but you don't see me ranting about it.

Take heart and be patient.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Hey, there is obviously a lot of pain and heartache in you right now, but if you take a step back and re-read what you have written it is a lot more telling of the kind of guys you have fallen for, rather than a problem with men in themselves. There are millions of loving, caring, brilliant boyfriends, husbands and fathers out there and these are certainly not very few and far between they are just in the same numbers as there are decent and honest women.

I think you need to take some serious time out, get over all of this pain and work out for certain exactly the things you do want in a man but also just importantly, the things you don't want. You need to keep reminding yourself of both of these positive and negative traits, even having them on a list and reading it every day. Get your subconscious to remember it. When you have this in your subconscious, you will instinctively not keep falling for the wrong kind of man.

It is not your "fault" that you have had these failed relationships, but it was your decision to date these guys and it was your failing in being able to properly judge what they were really like. If you can take on board my advice about pinpointing exactly what you want and don't want in a man, and follow these needs, and be aware of these traits when you next meet a man, you can choose to stop seeing them as soon as you see something that is either not on the "want" list or is on the "don't want" list. People who don't have this "list" (standards) are the ones who let the chemistry get involved too quickly, their hearts overtakes their head and they end up making the same mistake again and again.

I hope you start feeling better soon, but more importantly you don't let these experiences keep you bitter and distrusting, as that would just be a great shame, there is a loving and beautiful person inside of you, it'll take time to get over what has happened but you'll be ready to love again in the future, but next time you'll be ready to do it more sensibly.

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A male reader, Kawika United States +, writes (29 October 2008):

Kawika agony auntYup...I've said it once and I'd say it again...Men are all PIGS!! They are hairy, smelly, and if you live with them long enough they begin to look pregnant. Why is it that they have to always stand up when they urinate? If they did it properly, their wives wouldn't have to be nagging them to put the damn seat down. And all they think about is SEX, SEX, SEX.

And Yes, men do have a conscience. It is the rare ones that exercise it. One day you will see.

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A male reader, Ed1337 United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2008):

Ed1337 agony auntAll men aren't nasty and we aint all the same either, you've just had a lot of bad luck thats all :-/

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

They're not all nasty, and you WILL find a lovely man one day. I know some can be idiots, but lots of guys are absolutely lovely. Don't give up xx

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