A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why am i so scared to be in a relationship? Im 26 with 2 kids, my baby father is the only guy ive been with sexually and all he was my first everything lol..im probably ashamed because im 26 with little to no experience, and am i weird because i dont want a boyfriend? Im not sprung on my kids father or nothing its just i observe the person i like so much. That i see they are super flirtatious with other girls and it just a huge turn off..i think im going to be single for life.
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): I can understand maybe wanting some independence as a woman; and discovering yourself before jumping into another relationship. Single for life might be stretching it a bit!
If you're picky, and determined to make the best choices; that's power! If you've given-up, that's weakness. If you have very little experience in dating; then it follows you have to develop some. Not sexual-experience per say; I mean learning to discern personalities and judge character. Before letting your feelings get ahead of you.
I will approach your post from different angles.
You're a young single-mother, and I know a few personally; and they are cautious, and very very independent. Their kids are their everything. I believe a lot of that way of thinking comes from not wanting to make a mistake with a bad choice that will traumatize their kids. They don't need to create anarchy or imbalance. Those ladies that I know are maintaining all their energies for their own success, and raising their precious-ones. You're not really unique to that particular notion and mindset.
Don't allow bitterness, cynicism, or misandry (the hatred of men) become a driving force behind your way of thinking. Just because you met a few bad-apples; doesn't mean you should toss all males into the same god-forsaken category; because the guys you've met thus far didn't cut-it.
Uncontrolled jealousy, excessive insecurity, and possessiveness distorts perception; and creates a twisted outlook on life, and relationships. Pain and hurt is often at the root of turning against men; but often three fingers point backward, and it's not all men's fault. Unrealistic expectations top the list in many cases. Silly notions and fantasy-driven perceptions of what love is. Over-developed senses of entitlement forming the belief you're supposed to be happy and lovey-dovey 24/7! In an everlasting honeymoon phase!
TV and movies are fantasy, and no real depiction of what real relationships are like! Too bad, if mom and dad didn't set the example! Usually it's their fault! They fight and didn't teach how to compromise, weather the storm, or make up after disagreements. What's there to go by? They teach one thing. Get a divorce. The most common remedy to marital-problems. Then the kids grow-up hopeless about relationships.
To be too bitter also reflects on you as a person. It could be an indication of a limited ability to interact with people as a whole. Poor taste in men, or the culmination of many bad choices you've made. Mama and nobody could tell you anything! Advice goes in one ear, and out the other!
What's "flirtatious" is subjective; because with some women, accidental eye-contact is flirtatious. Noticing another woman's attractiveness, or having female-friends is 100% intolerable. You have a right to set some boundaries. Roving eyes and big flirts are the signs of a player and a cheat. It's also conditioned male-behavior to be aggressive, out-spoken, and masculine. We don't always get to pick our male role-models. So the worse behavior stands-out the most!
Some guys are raised by a single-mom who always had bad-luck with men. Raising a son alone is tough. Men fortunate enough to have decent loving-fathers in their lives; reap the benefit of being taught how to be a man, and to respect women. I admire single-mothers; but they don't know how to be a man, no matter how good of a parent they are. A father's influence on his son's behavior is different from that of his mother's. Men and women think differently, and we process out emotions differently. Yet we have all the same emotions and feelings.
Boys need a father's guidance and influence; but unfortunately, many don't receive it. If their mom chose a poor excuse for a man to father her kids; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Choosing singleness is fine as long as there is no cynicism or self-defeat behind it.
You still have to make emotional-connections with people (regardless of gender), have a social-life, and make good friends as a support-system. Don't give-up on enjoying some male-companionship and dating; even if it doesn't result in marriage. You set the example for your kids. If you're bitter and cynical; they will be maladjusted and socially-awkward.
The mistake many women make, is their self-induced undue pressure; which comes from being on a manhunt-mission. As if you have to find a husband at all costs. Setting deadlines and time-tables that you may never meet. Let nature take its course, and you be you. Finding a good match takes time and patience. Who's got time or patience these days? You're part of the "I gotta have it now" generation!
You might think that way now; but in a couple of years down the road, you may bump into the man of your dreams.
When women resign themselves to just take care of themselves and devote their efforts to being great mothers/strong women; desperation and pressure is taken off of them. They no longer have to prove they can find a man, or that they need one to survive. It becomes a wonderful option; and ultimately a blessing, should that happen unexpectedly.
You're too young to know what you want, or what the future holds in-store for you. Just love your kids, and try to find your own happiness. Stick by your guns, if you want something real; and you'll most certainly find it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 December 2018):
 I think for you to be single for now is actually a good idea. Focus on YOUR kids and yourself. Make a happy little family. Keep moving forward.
And really, if someone is SUPER flirty with other women, then yes, take that as a cue that HE isn't a good option for a partner. THAT is not what you want/need in a partner.
Does it mean you HAVE to be single forever? No. But right now, you have PLENTY on your plate. I don't think you need to add more to it.
Does it mean ALL men you meet will be SUPER flirtatious with other women? No. It just means that YOU have recognized a "red flag" of behavior you do not want in a partner. Which is a good thing.
Keep having a social life, don't isolate yourself. But don't date because you think you HAVE to.
There is NOTHING wrong for a mother of 2 to have "ONLY" had one sexual partner. I think it just means you take sex and relationships seriously.
...............................
|
