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Why am I so Jealous!!! Please HELP!!!

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2012)
A female United States age 26-29, *_lucinda writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now and ever since the beginning I have been a crazy jealous beeotch.... I have hated every place he has worked at and now he has been a pizza delivery guy for 3 years. I always think that he is taking pizza to pretty girls wearing nothing, girls around the place he is delivering to and also at the store... This is really taking a tole on our relationship. It doesn't just end there we can't watch movies together or TV shows because it will end up in a huge fight. He even plays video games with nudity in them. I just don't get it. He is a good person tries to do right most of the time. We have two children together and he is a wonderful dad... Today we got into a fight because of a girl walking by and him not coming into my work fast enough. I am stupid, I don't deserve him right? He has cheated on me once, that was because I was talking to guys and he looked at my phone and called them back. I did not have sex with these guys. He sure did tho! It hurts so much I don't know what to do anymore. When he gets mad it's hard to calm him down...........

View related questions: cheated on me, jealous, video games

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2012):

k_c100 agony auntWell he should not be getting naked pictures of girls on his phone (unless it was some joke type thing from a friend), so you were right to be upset by it but your reaction should have been to talk to your partner about how much it hurt you, rather than trying to get him back by going away and texting other men.

It sounds like you both enjoy getting revenge on each other - you got revenge for his naked pictures, then he got revenge on you by sleeping with someone else. You are both playing games with each other and really that should have stopped years ago as you are both mature enough to communicate when you are upset rather than going and doing stupid things behind each other's backs.

As I said before couples counselling is your best way forward, you both need some serious help with communication to ensure something like this never happens again.

I think you will find once you have a more open and honest relationship little things like a random woman walking past wont bother you anymore. The reason why you feel so jealous and argumentative at the moment is because you have not resolved all the game playing that happened in the past and there are still left over trust issues from that period in your relationship. Once you get your relationship back on track and can communicate properly again you will find you wont be bothered so much by the silly little things.

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A female reader, r_lucinda United States +, writes (20 July 2012):

r_lucinda is verified as being by the original poster of the question

r_lucinda agony auntFor my partner to get those kind of messages (naked girls, and their vaginas) does hurt my self esteem no doubt, what I need to know is how to be able to control my emotions and not let stuff like that bother me. I know for a fact he would not like for me to get messages of guys like that.

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A female reader, r_lucinda United States +, writes (20 July 2012):

r_lucinda is verified as being by the original poster of the question

r_lucinda agony auntI completely understand what you are saying and yes your right I have already thought that. The reason I was seeking other men was because he got this message on his phone that I happened to see and it was three pictures of naked girls and their vaginas. It was not right for me to get back at him in the first place, I know that was wrong and started this whole thing. It just really sucks....

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2012):

k_c100 agony auntIt sounds like you need some counselling, some individual counselling for your own issues and then in the future couple counselling would be a good idea.

You went behind his back and emotionally cheated on him by talking to other men, yes you didnt have sex with them but it is still emotional cheating when you are flirting with other guys even just over the phone. You broke his trust and he was stupid enough to try and get revenge by having sex with another woman.

So you are both as bad as each other - and now because he cheated, your own issues have worsened and things dont sound like they are getting any better.

You obviously have comittment issues because if you truly loved your partner and wanted him only you wouldnt have ever felt the need to talk to other men behind his back. Your partner wasnt giving you everything you needed, or you have some deep rooted self-esteem issues that mean you felt the need to seek appreciation from multiple men (i.e. the men you were talking to).

His cheating sounded more like it was revenge than him actually wanting to cheat on you, he was hurt you were talking to other men and did something stupid. I actually believe his actions are more forgiveable than what you did - his was mindless sex as an act of revenge to get back at you. You WANTED to talk to these men, you were hiding it from your partner and clearly would have carried on if your partner hadnt found out. You were deceitful and did it for your own personal gain, your partner at that point had done nothing wrong yet you chose to emotionally cheat on him. Therefore you have actually behaved far worse than your partner has.

And it is very common that the partner who cheats (i.e. you) becomes insanely jealous, because you know what awful things you have done, and you dont want him to do the same back to you. You know what you are capable of, and I bet you would be incredibly upset if you found calls and texts to other women - so your jealousy is based on your own actions, you are basically afraid of the same thing happening to you.

The only way to resolve this is to get professional help for your issues - there will be reasons why you emotionally cheated and they need addressing before you can move on and address the jealousy.

Get some help, and then once you have got yourself sorted get couples counselling so you can put all of this cheating (both yours and his) in the past and move forward with your lives.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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