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Why am I so jealous and insecure?

Tagged as: Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2007) 77 Answers - (Newest, 5 June 2014)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Why am i so jealous and insecure?

Im 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Hes a good man and will do anything for me and vice versa. Ive suffered from jealousy and insecurity now for many years, however i am better than i have ever been, but i cant help but feel im messed up in the head!!! I get jealous and insecure whenever i see women i know full well are airbrushed ect, celebs, nude women,sexy calenders, think you get my drift,just knowing my boyfriends seen them cripples me, and i become distant, pictures are so suggestive!!!! I find it hard to discuss, and people call me stunning, even had people think im a model!!! but this changes nothing, i cry sometimes too, how can you feel sexy next to these women? i really struggle sometimes, and its rare i feel happy, im always down and know somethings around the corner.What can i do? i should be greatful, he doesnt watch porn etc, but ive even stopped going to the cinema because its full of sexy women,and going to dvd stores because every other dvd has half nakedgirls etc!!! whats wrong with me?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014):

Wow, I never thought I’d find so many women experiencing the same problem I’ve been having for almost two years now. Even though my issues are almost identical to the ones bellow I’m going to explain in detail because it’s going to feel great to finally get everything that I’ve been holding in and hiding for so long now out; because I can’t bring myself to accept that I’m this crazy and I don’t want anyone to know. I’m going to apologize in advance for the people who read this and think I’m a psycho and completely insecure. This story is going to be all over the place and I apologize again but it’s hard to get my thoughts straight when it comes to this topic.

I’m about to turn 21 in a month which should be the most amazing time of my life, but I can’t enjoy anything because I feel like I’m going crazy trying to get over this jealousy that is controlling my life. I’m far from ugly but I’m even farther from perfect. There’s many things about myself that I wish I could change, and one day when I have the money I may need to if I can’t kick this problem. I recently (one week ago) had to split up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years whom I’ve lived with sense 3 weeks into our relationship because of it. We were planning on moving into a house moments before our final blow out, he was supposed to be my the guy I was going to spend forever with. It breaks my heart because I know we’ll never be able to work things out because of my issue, and us splitting up meant me moving back home 1500 miles from where he is, so even if I magically get cured there’s no hopes of me seeing him again to prove things are different.

Let’s just start off in the beginning, I wasn’t like this from day one not that I can remember, so it at least wasn’t as bad as it’s gotten lately. The past months have been horrible I wasn’t able to do much of anything with my boyfriend without getting an anxiety attack. My ex was really good to me, never talked about other women or showed too much interest in the attractive women that are everywhere. He gave me very little reason to be the way I am now. But I couldn’t help it I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why this happened to me, I would do anything to not feel like this. I wish I could accept that there are billions of gorgeous women everywhere and guys are going to look at them. But I haven’t been able to fix it. I thought I did a few times until something small would happen and I would have an episode. Most of the time I was able to hold in my anger and not take it out on him but there was a lot of occasions I wasn’t able to do so.

He loves going to the movies but I never wanted to because I knew there would be a sex scene, lots of boobs and ass, and even if there wasn’t any nudity there would be at least a few gorgeous ladies playing main parts. Even watching Netflix together I try to monitor the movies beforehand and find something that won’t trigger a nerve somewhere inside me. I’ve caught him on more than a few occasions watching porn and it breaks my heart thinking about him touching himself to these women. Especially sense we have (had, still haven’t fully accepted that he’s gone) sex every day. I don’t want to watch cable with him because of all the women they have half naked flaunting themselves everywhere. Walking in the grocery stores all the magazines even drive me crazy, I know everything is in my head but it’s not something I can stop. Ever sense I started having these feelings I’ve been trying to change, trying to accept that there is going to be naked girls everywhere and I can’t change that. My ex works at the mall right next to Victoria’s secret so I know every day he’s walking by, scoping out the pictures of women in lingerie and the girls inside the store. I think about what he’s doing every second of the day, who he’s fantasying about. I feel like he was comparing all the perfect women to me even though he would never say that to me.

Below is going to be incidents where I wasn’t able to control the anger and jealousy that I felt. Times when I felt I was going to be sick from all the pain and emotions I was feeling. These occurred over the whole span of our relationship.

I surprised him and took him to a water park just because and there I opening saw him gawk at a girl who had perfect and I mean perfect REAL boobs his eyes were glued for over a minute. I confronted him and he obviously completely denied it. It ruined the next like hour that we were there and he screamed at me, “WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME SOMEWHERE THERE WAS GOING TO BE BOOBS EVERYWHERE IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE THIS” I think this was the one of the very first if not the first occasion that I had that god awful pain from jealousy, it makes me feel cheated on. ---- I left for one night to do a favor for his boss and drive 8 hours to pick up a new employee, and when I got back in the morning I turned on the computer which was opened to porn, I immediately felt heartbroken, I mean I was gone for one night and he had to resort to porn, we fought about it for a while and I explained how it made me feel and he agreed to cease watching it. --- a few months ago he bought a brand new huge screened cell phone and the next day I looked at the history and of course he was watching porn while I was at work and he had the day off, I got soooo extremely upset because at this point the jealousy problems I was experiencing were starting to get worse I didn’t talk to him for a day. He was sorry and told me he had to explanation for what he did and that it wouldn’t happen again. Later that week we went to the film 300 and the first second and I mean second of the movie was a tit scene, I tried not to let that affect me hoping it was going to be the only one. A little later into the movie there was a hardcore sex scene and full on boobs he was obviously looking. My breathing started to get faster and my heart started racing he immediately noticed this and pretty loudly he said “WERE DONE I CANT TAKE THIS” I didn’t say anything because we were in a theatre and it obviously wasn’t the place for it. After the movie I tried to explain to him that it was just so soon after the porn incident that I just wasn’t ready to be put into that position. We eventually made up. But small things kept happening like Netflix movies. He stopped a few because I told him I knew there was going to be sex scenes and he said never mind that he wasn’t interested in the movies. I told him that I knew he was going to watch it any ways and I would rather him do it when I was there rather than when I wasn’t. He said he really didn’t want to watch them that he had no interest. WELL now that we’ve split and moved apart we still share a Netflix account and I can see what he’s watched… yeahhhh just take a guess it’s all the movies that he said he didn’t want to watch. Like literally one right after another of sex scenes and boobs even ones with names that you know are just going to be able sex.

Our last argument he was screaming to me that he couldn’t take how I was acting anymore and that it was jealously that made us so miserable together that he didn’t want to change everything for me and that he shouldn’t have too, which I mean he is right. He told me that he wanted to be able to see boobs, lots of boobs and lots of sex scenes and lots of porn every day and all day. I know he was over aggregating a little just because of the anger but he’s been doing that. I know that it’s my crazy antics that drove him to this.

I pray every day that I can change that I can just snap the hell out of this but I’m beginning to think it’s impossible. I almost think I just stay single so I don’t need to make myself stress over this. I’m so afraid of meeting someone new and doing the same bullshit to them. Nobody deserves to be controlled the way I was trying to control him. I was literally trying to control his thoughts, it’s so wrong and I know it, and I can’t stop it. I’ve been spending every day sense the break up trying to fix myself because I need to. I can’t live like this unless I want to be completely alone forever. I would do anything to get my ex back, but I can’t pretend I’m better because I’m not and this feeling makes me so miserable.

Goodluck everyone, I hope we are all able to overcome these horrible feelings and find happiness.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013):

There is nothing wrong with you. My boyfriend wants me to give him naked photos of myself, but I don't see the point, if his week is going to consist of seeing a million other women prettier than me naked or having sex. It doesn't feel special or interesting anymore, so why bother. Society seems to be trying to force women to be accepting of their men lusting after other women all the time. If you express jealousy, they act like you are crazy, yet men are the most insecure jealous things out there. Whats next, every man gets 5 wives? My best friend was trying to get me to watch 'game of thrones'. I told him I didn't want to because I thought it was just gonna piss me off, because it's patriarchal and sleezy. He argues with me, so I looked up a video with every nude scene from the movie. No penis, no hot young guys, but a million hot young girls bent over, or whatever. It's annoying. Men seem to think its normal to date women 15 years younger than them. The moment you are over 30, most likely your husband and father of your children will wander away. Its the pattern in our society. men aren't interested in or attracted to women once they arent college age. Look at personal ads. The men will always be looking for much younger girls. I don't know about you, but I don't find older men sexy. George Clooney is supposed ot be our sex symbol? Give me a break. When I see women who are very accepting of this behavior I think to myself that they are either desperate, or that there is something wrong with THEM, so don't feel bad. The truth is, you can find a guy who truly loves you and doesn't compare you to every other woman, but I don't believe you can find a man who isn't going to talk about how sexy other women are, or who doesn't masturbate to porn, or who doesn't watch tv shows or movies with young hot naked girls in it. All we can do is try to be pigs ourselves I suppose and see how they like it.

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A female reader, alaska84 United States +, writes (29 March 2013):

I finally took the time to start researching this issue online. I've been suffering from this anxiety, jealousy, and anger for years now and I've finally come to a point in my life where I need to confront it. While it’s a relief to see I’m not alone, it also angers me that so many women are tormented by this.

I spend a great deal of my time thinking about issues that I, single-handedly, don't have the power to change. Women's issues are on the forefront of my thoughts, usually. Unfortunately, we still live in a "man’s world" and most things we do in our everyday lives including eating at restaurants, grocery shopping, watching tv/movies (to name a few) are geared towards men. Think about it (which if you're reading this, you've probably agonized over it), in most restaurants the servers are 'usually' attractive young women. T.V. and movies are not considered “complete” without a “hot, sexy” woman in it. I enjoy comedies just as much as anybody else, but the tendency to have a boob scene or for there to be some scene with “hot” women, is a reminder that even a movie made with the purpose of being funny must somehow appeal more to men than women. Grocery stores have magazines with attractive women on the covers right at the checkout! If you're buying something, you have to go past them and usually stop to wait in line. In the meantime, a picture of a girl in a bikini is eye level with you. This infuriates me. Why must I be reminded of the sexualization of my gender while I'm doing weekly shopping? I don't like standing in line at the store with my boyfriend because I feel that he gawks at the covers. He has to look at each one. He doesn't usually make comments, but at this point in our relationship, he doesn't dare. Am I lucky? I'd not go as far to say that whatsoever.

I know what it's like to think I might be going mad, or that I have a severe insecurity issue. Ladies, we’ve been bred to be insecure. What you’re experiencing is not completely your fault. Whether you realize it, admit to it or even care, the media has impacted the beliefs you hold about yourself. There are varying degrees by which we are affected, but none of us lives untouched. Being aware of this doesn’t make it any easier to accept. When we are told to “chill out” or “every man looks at porn, relax” we’re being coached into believing our thoughts/emotions/actions are wrong and those of men are right. Society normalizes what men do and consequently women begin to question their own mentality. “Men are visual, so it’s ok for him to ogle her” or “Men are more sexual, looking at other women is just natural. Don’t take it personally” While there may be scientific evidence for men being highly visual, woman are highly visual too. We know a good looking person when we see one. Humans are visual because we navigate and interpret the world through our eyes. Beauty is natural and it is ok to appreciate beauty in all its forms. Let’s stop giving men excuses for making women feel like objects.

Just as society had created this inferiority complex in women that as individuals we didn’t ask for, men are also products of the influence of media too. They grew up surrounded by the same images and messages but apply them appropriately to their gender. If you aren’t part of the minority or oppressed group, it’s incredibly difficult to empathize with them. I like to believe (for sanity purposes) that the perpetuation of men being “macho” prevents them from appreciating women as equals. (Yes we are different, but our differences are neither better nor worse than each other’s). Men fear being labeled a “pussy”. Think about that…men insult each other by calling each other pussies. They also refer to a vagina as pussy (I’m not pretending you don’t already know that). Women have a vagina. So basically by saying “don’t be a pussy” they’re saying, “don’t be a woman”. Other than saying, “don’t be a dick”, when do women use masculine attributes to insult one’s abilities? Even with the dick insult, it’s still socially acceptable for men to be jerks, but it’s not ok for them to be a pussy.

I love my boyfriend dearly. We live together and want to be married soon. He is emotionally open with me and I’ve seen him at his weakest during difficult times in his life. He is ok with me looking at his phone and using his computer. Our communication skills are on the high end and we both work hard to make each other happy. We never throw insults around and demonstrate respect for each other. However, he highly enjoys looking at female celebrities online…reading about them, looking at photo galleries. I’ve looked at his web history in the past and I saw many degrading sites he goes to. I’ve asked him to not go to one of them in particular because not only is it primarily pictures of celebrities wearing nearly nothing; the site organizer writes extremely degrading paragraphs about each pic. My boyfriend knows how strongly I feel about women’s rights and he continues to look at this site, even after saying he’d stop. He’s gotten to a point where he deletes ALL articles and pictures he reads unless it’s local news. I even stopped looking at the history because I knew he was deleting everything. I’ve asked him about the celeb pics and he said, “honestly, I just like looking at the clothes”. Ha!

I realize I have insecurity issues. I do compare myself to the unrealistic images in movies/tv/internet. I make a conscious effort to not let it get to me but I find I only end up avoiding these things. That’s not really fixing anything. I’ve had panic attacks over it. I know all too well the overcoming heart fluttering that comes with thinking of the person you love lusting after somebody that isn’t you. What makes this situation worse is that he and I don’t have a great sex life…at all. He has performance anxiety issues and has a hard time keeping an erection. Even sometimes when he’s hard and I touch his penis he loses it. I understand this is a paralyzing issue for many men and I’ve been willing to help him. After all, he’s patient with my insecurity issues. It’s just that it’s infuriating to think of him feeling sexual arousal for other women but then not able to give sexual attention to me. He tells me I’m beautiful, smart, funny etc all the time. I believe he truly feels that way. I believe him but I’m also furious with him. I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I consider being single even though I’m nearly 30 and would like to be married sometime soon. However, I know being single won’t solve the real problem…it’d just be a way of avoiding it. I’m tired of catering to the idea that it’s just “natural” for men to be promiscuous. Some would argue that looking never hurt anything…but I fear that when we do have sex he’s not thinking about me. I don’t know what he’s thinking about because his anxiety of sexual performance makes him lose his erection anyway. What this means is that he’s not really thinking of me at all. He’s lost in his own thoughts and not living in the moment. This has been a trying time…

Anyway, most of the time I try to rationalize and explain the “naturalness” of men constantly admiring physical beauty of women. I really try. But part of me tells me I ought to be angry about it. Nothing will change if we don’t take a stance and confidently demonstrate it’s not ok to keep women as objects of sexual desire. I don’t think men need to be online everyday looking at pictures of women, especially if they’re in a relationship. I consider myself a sexual, attractive person but my greatest fear is that ALL men buy into the macho stereotype and will objectify women. It makes it difficult for me to give all I have in this relationship.

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A female reader, D love Canada +, writes (8 January 2013):

Hey girl I wish I could help. I am in the same boat. Its very stressfull. I have been with my husband for 4 yrs and we have a 17 month old boy. Even tho I never see him even glance at another woman or anything. When I see an attractive woman I feel like he thinks she's hot and when I ask him and he says" no baby your the only gorgeous one for me" I get offended and tell him he's lying he MUST think she's hot. I don't knoiw what's wrong with me. But it must be a woman thing. Some women just have a lot of self control and don't let that sort of thing bother them. So that's what I have been trying to work on. I searched on google and this is what kind of helped me. I hope it helps you. Good luck.To all of you dear WOMEN.  Yes, this post is for you!  (And your husbands can read along, too. We are just so glad many of you are reading!)

I wanted to address a few requests that have come in regarding a MAJOR, MAJOR TOPIC, I think, for women all over the place.... :)

HOW CAN I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF WHEN EVERYONE AROUND ME IS PRETTIER/SKINNIER/RICHER/MORE CREATIVE/HAPPIER/A BETTER MOTHER/IN A BETTER MARRIAGE/ETC.?!

And, HELLO PRETTY BLOGS!  HELLO GORGEOUS FACEBOOK PHOTOS!  They have a tendency to start up that damaging script in our heads that says we are not good enough/smart enough/creative enough/skinny enough/desirable enough, etc.  There is just so much access to other women & their lives, outfits, homes, parties, etc.  And it seems more than ever before, women all over are plagued with comparing themselves to others, all along their self-esteem is deflating.

A dear reader wrote in to say that she struggles to find a balance between tapping into her true identity & worth (mentioned in the post called "Best Beauty Secret in the World") while at the same time, balancing her desires such as...

-Being super model-thin.

-Being the girl with the best outfit at the party.

-Being rich.

-Being flirtatious with men.

-Being famous for something.

-Living in a nicer house.

This reminds me of some of the comments brought up in the response to the "Highlights from Alt Summit" post regarding comparing each others' fashion.  I know it's so easy to fall victim to this crap whether it is comparing husbands (or lack thereof), the size of your butt/thighs/waist/boobs, comparing children's accomplishments, the success of others, how quickly someone lost weight after having a baby, or even how much of that dessert you finished compared to other women sitting next to you at a girls' night.

Well, I've been thinking a lot about my answer to this reader and my answer to all of you.  For starters, can I just say, with all sincerity, that you women....ALL OF YOU....are wonderful.   I haven't met a woman yet in my entire life who was not a beautiful human being with either the biggest heart or the best intentions to offer something good to this world.   One of my greatest wishes ever is that we can all tap into our worth & end this horribly damaging cycle of comparing ourselves.

I know you can end that cycle.

Because I did.

Here's how....

I finally decided what I REALLY, REALLY wanted out of this life, and I surrendered to it.  Completely.  I gave all of my heart to it.   (By the way, I decided to do this when I was at the most rock bottom state of my life - in the midst of a crumbling marriage and the early years of infertility.)

This is what I decided I wanted the most & clung to it for dear life:

1.    To be a good mother someday.

2.    To be a good wife, worthy of a good husband.

3.    To share & give all that I have to helping others on their path.

4.    To leave this earth a better place for being in it. 

5.    To be happy & at peace, regardless of circumstance (cause it helps me to do all of the above.)

6.    To try to represent those Divine qualities of love/faith/hope (cause it helps me to do all of the above.)

I realized that if I let all that comparing bull crap infiltrate my thoughts & life, then it would hold me back from having #1-6 of my most important goals.  You see, the bull crap doesn't fit into #1-6.  So I decided to work each day to give it up.

So how did I give it up?  LOOOOVE !  :)  :)

-THINK OF OTHERS, INSTEAD OF YOURSELF.  When I walked into a room - whether it was a room full of billionaires & their wives (a situation I was in quite often due to my former jobs whether I was in New York, on a beach in St. Barths, or celebrating Easter on Rupert Murdoch's sailboat, or sitting next to the founder of Google at brunch.  Ha!), or whether it was a room full of executives in the fashion industry, or a room full of women at church from all backgrounds, or a room full of young urban teenagers with wit and style that could intimidate the crap out of me, if I let it.......Instead of thinking of MY inadequacies, I thought about how I could make others comfortable, how I could get to know them better, how I could brighten their day in some way, or how I could just experience what they had to offer and learn from it.  Thinking of others and taking my thoughts off of myself left no room for damaging thoughts.  TRY IT!  I promise it works like a charm.  And it's a great way to ensure you look and feel radiant.

-EMBRACE THE BEAUTY & SUCCESS OF OTHERS.  Instead of letting the success of others bring me down, I feel excited for for them.  I feel special/grateful to be able to associate with someone so talented/creative/or successful.  One reader wrote in to say that a friend of hers has "the perfect house, kids, figure, & entertains like Martha Stewart."  She said "other women find her intimidating and avoid her friendship."  But this woman has formed a great friendship with her and loves her dearly & thought it was so sad that other people were missing out.  So don't miss out!  Surround yourself with people that you admire.  Reach out to them, love them, and learn from them.

-GIVE UP THE COMPARING OUT OF LOVE FOR YOUR LOVED ONES.  If you are dwelling in negativity and self criticism, guaranteed it will spew over to your husbands, kids, boyfriends, girlfriends, family and coworkers.  You can't really hide that stuff.  And guess what - - it's not attractive.  It doesn't lead to happy marriages and relationships.  So if you are letting your desire for skinniness/riches/fame/attention make you feel negatively, think of the poisonous negative energy you are sending into the world and the effect it is having on others.  Consider that you are teaching your children to live this way as well.  Use your love for others as a catalyst for trying to change your ways.  Love really is the most powerful force that can help us to stay on track.

-HAVE LOVE & GRATITUDE FOR YOURSELF.   Think of every kind word that has ever come your way.  Think of every person you have influenced for the better.  Think about HOW BLESSED you are!!!!  Eyes.  Hair.  Walking legs.  A smile.  Family.  A chance to be alive and experience this beautiful life!  Maybe you have a mother.  Maybe you have a spouse and/or children.  Maybe you have a friend.  Maybe you have a roof over head.  No matter who you are, think of what you have and cherish it.

And lastly, if any of us have a weak moment and find ourselves comparing the crap out of someone else's life & wishing we had more.......THINK OF VERUCA SALT.  :)  This girl had everything, but was never grateful for it & always wanted more.

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A female reader, Sailormoon13 United States +, writes (10 October 2011):

It sucks because the media shows women as objects and their purpose is to be a sex slave for men... It also makes me want to keep up with the latest styles to keep up with the slaves... I'm not a person who is all about the diamond rings and Botox but whenever I get consumed with media ideals I become consumed with media ideals, but they're not mine- then I think- are they my boyfriends? And I too have been obsessed with these beautiful women- but there also gorgeous men with beefy bodies throughout the media- why can't I become obsessed with them? And also, I feel foolish because I'm being a hater and I feel stupid for not being able to appreciate these womens beauty- instead I hate on them because I want to be like all of them- but there are redheads, blondes, brunettes, Germans, Italians, Cubans, Asians, mexicans, American, dark skin, light skin, and tanned skinned women- there is no way I can be like all of them.. I've been told I looked like Jessica alba, Angelina Jolie, Jackie from that 70's show and that I'm pretty, but do I feel pretty b/c I look like someone else or b/c I'm just pretty.. I've even thought of plastic surgery and dietary supplements to enhance my body.. I hate this feeling more than I hate every girl that is pretty that my boyfriend might be looking at and might wanna have sex with... I work at an old folks home and everyone gets old and saggy- but I'm talking about right now and how they're all prettier than me right now and want to hold my boyfriend as a hostage than a best friend.. It's ridiculous b/c this crazy- mentally insane.. B/c if my boyfriend does disrespect me like that, there's more out there, but we have so much fun together that it would suck if we broke up but I have to remember he's my friend not my hostage and he will do whatever he desires and I have to accept him and encourage him because he's my friend and he does the same for me if we are healthy and if it's not, that's what we strive for and to push the medias mind control aside and live my life and enjoy it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010):

This is one of the reasones that my bf of 6 years is breaking up with me right now. I am going to try and stop these feelings, I dont know how, but I think it might have to do with trust. If I can trust him not to be attracted to any of these images.... I think I just figured it out.

They are images. they are not real! There is no use getting upset over something that is not real right?? He watches movies like "not another teen movie" and stuff like that and he tells me b/c he thinks they are funny, I need to belive him and trust him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010):

I have been with this guy for 2 years and i love him too death but recently i have been CRAZY jealous and insecure towards him, we can't even take the train anywhere or go the movies or even watch T.V!! even when i'm with my parnets i get mad at him , i start crying cause it gets soo bad somtimes i kick him out of my house, like naked girls in the T.V and you start thinking what the hell are they thinking are they picturing there selfs sleeping with them or when a hot girl comes on the tv he comes to towards you and start kissing you, like once they seen that girl on T.V they turn too me cause thats what they have and it can do ! i have no idea why i get soo insecure , i'm pretty and lot's of people always tell me i'm beautiful inside and out but i dont feel like that towards him, it feels like i'm not good enough for him like he would rather be with them instead of you. .. even when your on a bus and a pretty girl comes on the bus he just always have to turn his eyes at them and i always be sneaky and try to catch them and i do i can see ghim looking at her from the corner of his eye !! like what the hell ?? i confront him about it but he says he likes to look around and it if he was that i'm with you i love you but if you loved me why would you look at girls and make me feel like crap ???? and sometimes when we go out to a restaurant he flirts with the hostes or servers !! ugggggh , i dont know what too do , like it cant go away ! i want it too soo bad but it's sooo hard , you tell yourself your going to stop and that when a girl comes by i get all mad again !! why do guys gotta be like this ???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010):

I was picked on as a child, made fun of and what not, yeah, felt ugly, but when i got older and turned 17 y/o and morphed into a pretty girl things changed. I met a previous bf who sold Porno for a living (yeah, i am not comfy with the porno scene, yet too codependent and wanted a relationship) Well, he told me some things that shocked me, and made me feel insecure. Telling me guys like looking at pretty women (yes, i can deal with this) then he added when a guy see's a beautiful woman 'what do you think he is thinking'....then goes on to say "the guy wants to fu** this chick"....oooh great, so now guys need to imagine having sex with every pretty girl. No wonder I was insecure. Then he tells me men watch Pornos and picture themselves "having sex with the Porno chick"....no wonder why i felt this way......I dunno, maybe emotional cheating. Everytime a guy watches Porno, or looks at a nudie magazine....they think of having sex with that "other" person. Doesn't make me feel too good. Yeah, i know its a "cheap thrill". What I did learn is not to

go with people who are into the Porno/magazines/strip joints......don't try to change them, change yourself. Now i screen my guys, and YES, there are guys who aren't into Porn!!! yes, not alot, but they are out there. Guys who respect women and don't "undress" women with their eyes. I think WE need to find these type of men, they are out there. I myself, would never cry or get mad if a guy looks at a pretty woman, its the respect part, just look, do NOT stare of make lewd comments, that is disrepectful to me and yourself! Stand proud, own your beauty and know you are worthy. I try to tell myself this, cuz i went thru many years and still do of being insecure and jealous, and most of this needs to come from within, and love yourself more, WE can't stop all the nakedness out there, stop all the pretty gals being out there, stop all the bleached blondes, big boobs, etc. they are out there. Just believe in yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Ladies, unfortunately these feelings don't go away. I have been married for over three years to a wonderful, devoted man who loves me very much. Still, every beer commercial, every movie, it's really hard. I don't know how to get over it. There are bigger problems in the world, and it's silly to feel like this, but I do.

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A female reader, no one nj United States +, writes (5 November 2010):

*****ATTN ATTN READ MY ANSWER******

First and foremost, I have never joined one of these question and answer site things. And reading this question made me want to.

LADIES,

I think..and I was just thinking this a few minutes ago... when I was watching a movie and noticed the first scene was a girls ass...just focused on an ass.I think it is absolutely disgusting..degrading..disrespectful to us "good women"..that everything.. almost everything.. in the public eye is based on sex. It is such a god damn shame, that you cant watch a movie..commercial..video..go to the super market and look at a magazine while standing in line..without seeing a woman degrade herself and put her self up for sale. And that is what puts us good and respectful women..that AREN'T starving for sexual attention from EVERYONE..that is what puts us in a different category. We are seprate from them. And its OKAY to be angry. ANY WOMAN I don't care what size, or race you are can make the choice to : sexually display her goods..wear skimpy clothes etc. It takes a true respectful, classy woman not too. If you are this type of woman by all means let your man know. Throw it in his face how amazing you are that you choose to remain low key, respectful, and classy

I say voice your opinion. Why not? Its how you feel anyway. Don't ignore your truth. Your feelings are your truth. Tell them you are not comfortable or it makes you angry. Or that they better know who they're messing with because you will not settle for garbage. You better treat me like gold. motherf*cker.

Anyway..when it comes down to it. In relationships..when a man chooses to be with you there are alot of feelings involved. Important and special feelings.And that's solid. Not some std infested slut on a movie. You should bring it to their attention what is more important. Make it known. And if he doesn't get it, don't settle for sh*t. The better you think you are, the better you will be treated. I say leave him, or make it known you mean business. Do not be afraid. He will know you mean business.

Don't accept garbage. Are one of these sluts on tv going to be having your children, and cooking for you every night? NO. YOU ARE. so make it known, what your place is. And you will start receiving the respect you deserve. Hope this helped. I am not a maniac, just fed up..with everything. Later.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

I can totally relate. I don't think we're crazy bc we are aware that it's a problem. i have not stopped allowing my bf to watch tv and movies or anything but can see why some have escalated to that point. i haven't seen the movie "the goods" and my bf has and he put it on last night...15 minutes in i couldn't take it anymore, even though he buried his head in my back and kissed me when the nude girls would appear. Finally I flipped out went to the other side of the bed to go to bed. He turned the movie off saying he didn't remember there were so many naked girls in it but i was already furious and we are still not on good terms today, though we live together. We've been dating for a little over 9 months and from the beginning i made it known that i was very jealous...it wasn't long before i felt comfortable to start voicing my anger when he talked to other girls or anything of the sort. I check his phone regularly and accuse him of taking his lunch breaks with someone else at work or meeting someone at work that he would rather be with. i told him last night after the movie if he wanted a girl with a perfect body than he could just go be with a stripper like the one on the movies...that i'd never have their body.

it's depressing to feel this way yes, though i am glad that i am not alone in my crazy and bitchy actions towards him. it's just an infuriating world we live in and it seems to be getting worse everyday! i mean how unnecessary will the commercials become?! it always has to be naked girls, how i wish that guys had to live a world that us girls do...it's like you can never be pretty enough, you'll never be good enough. and despite what my bf says, i can't help but think that guys never appreciate what they have. even the really pretty girls i see have jackass bf's who checkout other girls and cheat on them....what they have is just never good enough for them.

the only way i find consolation in my overreactions towards my bf is i find that the only thing that really makes me feel better is to make my bf feel worse. i want him to feel as awful and jealous as i have to suffer. so i try to make him jealous by going out of my way to have guy friends and hang out with them. when you can tell a guy friend likes you, they show you attention and it makes me feel better, bc its like yeah you might want other girls bf, but i can have someone else....somebody wants me.

my bf has deleted his facebook and cut off contact with all "girl friends"...it's not my fault they're all whores...i never try to flirt or hit on a guy i know has a gf! i mean come on...how rude and slutty.

when he mentions a work story with a girl customer i assume that she was way prettier than me and that he wished he could be with someone pretty like her. i only assume he wants to cheat on me and i can't stop feeling that way even though it always starts a big fight....i don't even want him to come visit me at my new job where i wait tables tx roadhouse, bc i work with mainly girls and they're all really way prettier than me and i won't want him to look at them. i just can't help it....why do there have to be naked girls everywhere???

i'll stop ranting...but i feel best when i'm single. when a girl is single, naturally she dates around and there are typically lots of pursuers and bc you're new to them and they don't know you that well, they try harder and it seems like they're more attracted to you....and you don't care about them much so you don't care or worry about if they look at other girls...i wish i was just happier and more confident with myself...i wish my bf really only wanted to be with me...he says oh i love you for "who you are"...but that just makes me feel worse, i tell him it's not good enough but he doesn't question why...i'll tell you why bc that's an awful thing to say..it's like calling me ugly..i like you for who you are on the inside...well yeah but you're not attracted to me! i want him to love me also for all the shallow reasons he likes every other girl! i just wish i could afford all kinds of surgery, expensive makeup, and hair extensions so i could be pretty enough to be accepted by today's terribly shallow society.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):

I really wish I had an answer for this, I constantly find myself scouring the internet for answers, I feel stupid, i can't talk to any of my friends about it because they all think im being stupid!! I can't stand it when my boyfriend talks to girls, even if they aren't that pretty...I feel like i want him all to myself, i don't want him to laugh at other girls' jokes, I don't even want him talking about general stuff, that is for me to talk to him about! I can't stand watching films, going to the cinema, even watching Eastenders incase a love-scene comes on! It makes me feel in-adequate like he would rather have sex with them and not me. He doesn't even do anything to make me think that though, it's all in my head. He works with all girls at a bookies, he doesn't even talk about them anymore because he knows what my response is but the more he doesn't talk about his work, the more suspicious i get and think that something is going on. I put scenarios in my head, I almost play out a full scene in my head, imagining what he is talking about, how he is looking at girls, perving at them and imagine them flirting and kissing!! It sounds so stupid but i'm sick of feeling this way! He says he doesn't watch porn but what guy would ever admit that to his girlfriend? When i first got with him 2 years ago, i purposely checked his history to see what he had been on and there was a website called 'TeenBoat'.....i instantly knew it was porn, clicked on it and there it was, a load of air-brushed pictures of girls, young ones (who looked nothing like me may i add) bearing all. I felt so sick, we hadn't been together long and confronted him, he made up a load of excuses then finally admitted it was him who had been on it. After he'd seen my reaction i truly believe he still watches porn on the internet and deletes the history! I HATE IT!!!!! i have searched high and low in his bedroom for porn but can't find a trace. I am constantly looking for clues, this morning he was getting ready for work while i was lay in bed. He was downstairs for 45 minutes and came up still undressed and unready, i asked what had taken so long and he said he had to iron his shirt as it was still wet!! When he left, i ran downstairs to check the TV for any trace and noticed there was The Sun newspaper on the settee, i instantly turned to Page 3 and thought he's been masturbating over her, i texted him and went mad but he laughed and said i am funny!!

Why am i like this? i think one day he will get fed up and to be fair, if it was me and my boyfriend was acting like that i would have been long gone. How do i stop being so jealous and insecure??? I need help :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010):

Its helpful to know that i'm not the only one with these feelings! Ive been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and i just cant bear the thought of him even talking to another girl. I compare myself to these girls, and alot of them he has some sort of past with, which makes me even more jealous. He had a bit of a reputation before he met me but since he met me hes settled down and has not cheated on me once. But i cant help but think that he is going to. I create images and scenarios in my head that i think are going to happen. If he says he wants to see a female friend i go into panic mode- i want to know why and where theyre going what theyre doing and why he doesnt want to stay in with me. It goes constantly over and over in my head that he is going to cheat on me, or realise that there is someone better than me out there. It doesnt help that im 8 months pregnant at the moment, and have put on super amounts of weight- im so insecure and see nothing but ugly and fat when i look in the mirror. I cant help but think he is only with me for the baby, which he says is ridiculous but i cant think of another reason for him to be with me! he isnt the most affectionate person in the world and doesnt like to tell me think that he thinks are going to make him 'sound stupid'. All i want is to be called beautiful occasionally, or him tell me he loves me before i tell him. We are engaged to be married but whenever i ask him why he is marrying me, he makes a joke out of it- all i want to hear is that he loves me and wants to be with me forever- something he has never once told me. if i ever tell him anything like this he tells me to stop being stupid and that of course he loves me, but he'll only say things once in a blue moon. am i wrong for wanting to be appreciated and loved every day?:S I love him with my whole heart, and i really couldnt raise this baby on my own, but sometimes i feel that it would be easier to end the relationship to stop this jealousy and insecurities, but then i feel worse for even thinking i could ever live without him. I just dont know what to do. Im so terrified he is going to run off with someone else, or realise what a complete jealous freak i am and leave me. Even worse, im scared that as soon as my baby is born he is going to leave me.

Sorry for ranting! Just needed somewhere to release everything!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010):

Everyone has similar situations. You're not messed up in the head at all. But of course when you see women like that they're completely fake anyway and people do doubt themselves next to people like that however you've got too see that you're boyfriend isn't going anywhere and 6 years proves that :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010):

I too have only just found this site and am amazed also that i am not on my own in feeling like this! However, i can honestly say that i believe i have the very worst case of it ever! I have just turned 33 and all this started when i was just 16 with my first boyfriend. I dont remember being like this to start with but suddenly one day, and i even remember the very instance, a naked woman came on the tv and i covered his eyes and went mad. From that point my life has been a living hell. Everything makes me jelous from the naked 'perfect' women on tv, even daytime tv, adverts, films, papers, magazines, i could go on forever. every situation has something normally. At my very worst i once got jelous over 'the little mermaid' film and also 'Mary Poppins' because a boyfriend said she was prim and propper and pretty! LOOOOOOOOOOL!! I once freaked out at a boyfriend who's Dad had just passed away and obviously he was going to the funeral etc and i knew he would be at a house where a newspaper with naked women in would be! Once i went mad at the hospital when i was pregnant because there was a picture on the wall of a woman breast feeding! Etc, etc, etc, im sure you get my drift! That was me at my very worst. For many years recently, i didnt get into serious relationships because of my issues. I met someone a while ago who REALLY is a very good man and i love and just last nite he walked out on me and we are finished due to my jelousy and i am feeling so shit right now. While i was with him we didnt watch tv at all but that didnt stop me from going mad when we were apart. I dont have to see it to get jealous, i still know its happening. At the mere suggestion of putting on a dvd would send me mad, i would start shaking etc. It really dosnt help that it is naked women EVERWHERE. Its all tits, pussy and arse on tv and in magazines, not naked men. I would feel really bad if i was sat with my man watching tv and a man got his dick out, i wouldnt feel right to stare at it. I guess my biggest fear is that my man would get turned on by someone else. That is what really kills me i suppose. If someone else is turning your man on, is that not like being unfaithful?? Where is the line drawn? So its ok if its on tv, what, because they will never meet? What if you were to catch them doin x-rated webcam with someone else or something? i know im sounding crazy, i have so many thoughts! What is special in a relationship between two people if anyone can make your man cum? I have even thought what if it was equal or the other way round with mens dicks everywhere and you know what i came up with and i believe - it still wouldnt be ok! Why are there naked women everywhere - its because that is what turns men on, they are visual creatures and that's what does it for them. Even if there were men everywhere naked, i still wouldnt feel any better because that wouldnt turn me on, or most women i believe. Women in general get turned on more by emotions or actually being in the moment with someone. So we are just supposed to be ok with the knowledge that are men are getting turned on by other women and they can rest assured that we just get horny for them! To be honest though, it dosnt even matter if my man was not getting turned on by anyone else anymore because i just cant stand the person im with looking at any part of another womans body, even if i think they are not nice, if i know my man wouldnt fancy them, i just hate it full stop! Its ruined my life for 17 years now. It certainly looks like it will stop me having another relationship ever, having a proper family and just being normal. I have tried therepy twice now and both times were just a joke, completely useless! It sends me to the point where i dont think i can carry on, infact im feeling like that again right now. Sometimes i wonder if it is the devil in my head (and im not really religious), i wonder if i have split personality and sometimes i think it may just be an extreme phobia. When you are scared of spiders for example it takes over your life and you become aware that they could be in any situation, putting on a shoe, whatever. thats how i feel with the naked women etc, it is EVERYWHERE. The only thing i think could have any hope (and im not convinced at all) is if i had enough money for GOOD therepy, which i dont. On top of all this, i think i am about to be evicted and i dont have any money for renting anywhere else and i have absolutely nowhere to go if this happens. My partner was going to look after me lol, that aint happening now! I feel shit. I miss my man and really love him and hate how i was to him but i cant control it, even if it means the end of a relationship. It is truely shit girls and i wish there was a solution. There does need to be somewhere we can all chat and support each other as nobody else seems to understand. I wish you all well, i really do and if anyone has any good advice then please share!!! xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

i know how it goes girl. my boyfriend thinks i'm beautiful and a lot of people say i'm pretty and have stunning eyes and beautiful hair and that i'm gorgeous. BUT i cant stop from feeling that my boyfriend is either doing something or going to do something with another girl or look elsewhere for stuff. I keep telling myself that he loves me and he only wants me but i find myself getting upset that he talks to other girls at work or online on facebook or even talking about them. it irritates me. I even wish all his female friends would GO AWAY and he would make MALE friends. i know i have a problem but its hard to fix in one day. i do love him and don't want to lose him so i work on it every day so that my problem won't drive him away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010):

I feel the same way. Even though people think I'm sooo pretty and I have nothing to be jealous about, it doesn't make a difference. I get so jealous I don't wanna leave the house with my boyfriend, we met at work so we work together, I can't go to work without ruining both of our days because I think hes looking at other women constantly when in all actuality I'm the one checking them out and comparing myself. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS! I cant control it, I know there is a problem with me and It just won't go away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

try MS. yes multiple sclerosis. youd be suprised how many peopl have it. and it can cause this emotional change. you werent always that way, right?

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A female reader, cnmcclure United States +, writes (24 August 2010):

First I'll start off with: i have insecurity and jealousy issues. I was unattractive and teased as a child, dealt with severe acne and weight gain as a teen, and now I'm physically healthy, but very insecure about stretch marks, blemishes, small boobs, ANYTHING i can find that does not meet mainstream criteria of a beautiful person.

Now, I've read up on evolutionary studies, and women have evolved to be jealous of their men. We are biologically inclined to feel angry when competition arises. We are also biologically evolved to eat FAT FAT FAT and CARBS and you see where that's gotten us. Some people are more prone to weight gain; some people are more prone to jealousy. Our pasts also influence which direction our hormones take us. Sometimes we have to overcome our physiology.

BUT OMFG HOW TO DO THIS??? every goddam day i look in the mirror and cry. I intentionally look at magazines in markets and stare and wonder "why can't i be her?" If my boyfriend is five minutes later than usual, I jump on him and yell and scream and cry. Of course I feel better once he consoles and loves, but the cycle has such momentum, I don't think I can stop.

To the people who say "Just stop being jealous"...then you haven't felt the way I or any other person with these issues have. It's torture. I feel physical pain when a beautiful woman is in the vicinity. My brain races with fictitious thoughts of what my boyfriend is doing behind my back. I check his phone, wallet, clothing and he gets very upset...not that I'm going through his belongings, but that I don't trust him. in fact, I've actually dreamed of ending the relationship so I don't have to feel this way anymore. Being single forever sounds very appealing when I'm curled in a ball in the corner, clutching at the vestiges of sanity and trying not to vomit.

PLease don't think I'm a miserable wretch my entire existence, but at times, I most surely am. And I've had to obtain salvation in the form of recreational substances, as, during my teens, I used every antidepressant on the market. If you have a credible suggestion, I yearn for your response.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Maybe I am insane. God I feel like I am sometimes! I've been with my guy for a year and a half. I moved pretty much across the country to be with him so we could make things easier. Well. I have a "past". Obviously not a good one. I've had insecurities before him but he's made it worse by bringing up my past, wanting details, having to know everything. This has gone on for the whole year I've lived with him. Maybe I should let you know where I live. Vegas. Ok. You understand now? Girls everywhere showing their shit, billboards of sexy bitches(but he's not attracted bc he doesn't judge them....bullshit ok) bitches hitting on my man bc he's good looking and has a sexy accent. There's so much more but let me tell you what I've been doing to make myself feel a liiiitttllleee better... I told my guy I should just write an effn book about my horrible past and make the next guy read it so he'll know what he's getting into. Or just stay single forever. Doesn't matter.

When a cute guy(look at me judging and being double standard, not cool or fair to him) I engage in conversation partly bc I'm just a nice person and partly bc of the attention. It's nice to remind yourself you're attractive. Look around.... Don't YOU notice guys checking you out?? Not the fat bald ones although they look annnd get caught ew. I'm talking about those hunky ones that you feel back giving them eye contact. Yeah. Those guys are looking baby. But guess what you're thinking about your man. (I hope) this is the same with yours or my guy. I think I notice more hot girls than my man does. I think I've programmed myself to look for pretty girls.

I think I'm going to read up on how to get rid of this bug that's eating me alive. But in my case it's up to my guy as well with that past shit. Can't change it get the fuck over it. Accept me for me so I can too! I think we're going to go to a counselor. He's a really good and sweet man but gunny his words are very harsh at times when things bother him. I've thought maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone but I feel he's my soulmate. My main source of confidence and guidance is God. I pray everytime I feel like I'm going insane or want to kill myself bc I can't change my past for him. I pray for all of you ladies out there with this insecure, jealous issue. I will keep you all in my prayers and even the unknowns that haven't found this site or one like it. We all need His help!!

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A female reader, Threnody United States +, writes (7 August 2010):

I have always had strong beliefs regarding monogamy. I think my issue is that I project --- if I were to gawk and desire others... especially based on their mere flesh, I couldn't honestly claim I was in love or cared deeply for another. So how can my partner?

That is me "on the prowl"... and even then, one's physical appearance is NOT enough to sustain my interest or draw my affections out.

Ideally, I'd have fallen in love with someone not mired in lust... but, it seems, most males are pathetically attracted to shallow things. MANY females are, too, I just wonder how much of it is genuine and how much is "retaliation".

At least for me, I've felt tempted, to embrace the typical and empty things... for consolation, for spite, for revenge... it's pathetic, really.

I just feel amazingly immature. But I can't help feeling betrayed. I can't stand watching movies with my partner either... it's difficult to go out in public.

He's raved so much about his ex-flames who were still present in his life when I arrived, he's sent one letters lamenting that he wishes she could clone herself so that he can be with her... he's incessantly talked about other girls and their physical wonders, what his type is... he's made many comparisons, has let me know what he'd change on my appearance if he could, meh. When, in reality, people I know and even strangers have come up to me and have asked me "What are you doing with him? You're so pretty and he's ugly!" in so many different ways. When we go out together and when i'm alone, I'm constantly approached by other men, definitely not in need of getting a bigger ego... it's just, strangers don't really matter to me. I want ONE companion whom I can make love to freely... and if it isn't mutual with him, nothing else really matters. I can't be beautiful to everyone... if I could trade all the heads I've turned and hearts I've broken JUST to have this one man lust and desire me alone, of course I would.

His looks are irrelevant to me. But I resent the emphasis he places on physique...

It's so hard to trust. And not feel like shit.

You give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it. Attraction is a strange thing. Sometimes I wish I was attracted to bodies, to looks. Or to wealth. To something equivalent. That I could grasp it isn't a threat to admire and desire someone else. .. ..

but I still want to believe, I can have, what is likely, just a fantasy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010):

Iam the same way and thats why I am trying to find out what's wrong with me. we went away with the family this weekend and we went to a beach and board walk,there were women everywhere in reveling cloths and bathing suits.Sometimes I see sombody that is his taste and you think something right away. I dont think Iam crazy because I see him checking out the girls with the boobs hanging out and I feel like Ass because Iam right there when he does it. Iam a jealose women and I always have been but does that make it right?

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A female reader, mom23girls United States +, writes (11 July 2010):

mom23girls agony auntI understand what all of you here feel. I have felt this way for years and find that it is gradually getting worse over time. I have decided that it may be better for me to go ahead and seek professional help and consider medication. I hate the idea and resist even taking tylenol for headaches unless the pain gets unbearable but I hate putting my husband through this and making him pay for other mens mistakes. But I wanted to add a few things.. First of all, men will look at women. Period. Just as we notice attractive men AND women. It's how we are wired. If he didn't notice women he wouldn't have found you so be glad that at least one point in his life he had both eyes open. I know the heartbreak of seeing your man look at another woman and have caught my own looking at women on occasion which of course resulted in a few helatious arguements. However, I myself was drooling over "Jacob" while watching the Twilight movie tonight and I know he knows I think that boy is hot! lol. It isn't fair to have double standards for him. I do believe that no matter how much they swear they won't look or aren't attracted to sexy women anymore or only have eyes for you, they are just telling you and myself this so that they can escape the crazy bitch and a brush with death for one more hour till we find another thing to accuse them of. I have let this "disease" consume me so deeply that at times I felt I was unable to be with anyone and would be better off alone so he could go and have a normal gf. But he doesn't want that and neither do I. Regardless of whether we were molested, had absentee fathers, or whatever the psychological reasoning behind this behavior is, the fact is we need to take responsibility for our own actions and stop abusing our partners because whether we like it or not it is abuse and I guarantee if the tables were turned and he was treating you this way you would agree! It doesn't matter in the end what series of events started this because we are all adults now and it's time to stop acting like this. I am going to get the help I need and I hope you all do too. Good luck ladies!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010):

Wow. I honestly felt like I was the only chick who felt this way. I could go on and try to justify myself by telling you how gorgeous I am. That I'm blonde with big tits and a lucious ass but that has nothing to do with it. Honestly, I don't think therapy will help. Those quack doctors are coming up with every damn "disorder" or " illness" to cash in on it. They'll end up putting you on some man made manic pill, that'll just kill you. I struggle with this issue myself also so I don't have a magical solution. Fact of the matter is it's life unfortunetly. I personally see nothing wrong with avoiding certain tv shows and movies that are sexual, like those stupid fucking "I'm in college watch me get drunk and fuck bitches" kind of movies. please, I'd rather put my eye balls in a blender. Who even likes that crap? I instead spend my tv time thinking outside the box, meaning not having to watch the same dumb shit everyone else finds appealing. As for the whores on the street, they have nothing on me. They're not some badass chick like I am. I just tell myself how many chicks listen to metal and not gaga? Yeah, exactly. I'm not like them. If my man wanted that there's way more of them then chicks like myself. Yeah, I get insecure but who doesn't? but fuck it! Most of the dumb actress bitches get cheated on anyway :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010):

Hello, I am a 47 year old woman who married a younger guy. He is only a few years younger, but he is nice looking. I am nice looking and recently had my breast implants removed, because they were too big. I sometimes miss them, but I feel much better without them, because I don't stand out like before with double d's. I feel so much like all these women, but I wish I didn't because it is time consuming and definitely interferes with our relationship. I turn the tv channel when there is a sexy scantily clad woman on, and he turns away to show me that he does not look, but I'm sure he looks when I'm not around. I look to see if he is watching and if he is,than I get angry. I remember once we were on a plane and he looked over at a beautiful woman who had a tattoo on her lower back, and he watched her bend over, but did not think I saw him look. I was furious at him, and because the plane was not full, I told him we were changing seats, but I could not escape the pretty women, and I accused him of looking at them. I know what I saw, but he denied it. I wish my insecurities would not get the best of me. I seriously thought that I was the only one with this problem until I found this site. I am shocked at how common all of this jealousy is. This world is saturated with sex and women who get our Men's attention. I am also attracted to beautiful women, but not like that. I appreciate beauty. I have men look at me, and when i was younger dated younger men. I dated guys who always wanted threesomes and like women. I did not feel special, and my father was absent. I know that this all plays a role on my self esteem. I trust my husband, but it hurts if I see him notice or look at other women. men are visual beings, but that is no excuse. All the best to you out there. I tell myself that beauty comes from the inside, and I have to work more on my health and my heart. I also agree that if we get some other interests in life, that all this will not matter as much.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010):

I have read all the past comments.I feel like my experiences are quite different from the rest. I am jealous but I have more reasons than anyone else.I too,get worried when my husband watches tv, movies,goes out in public , or surfs the internet. Alot of the comments I've read are from very young females that are proud to say that they are goodlooking and some even say they are models. I am 38 yrs and until you have walked in my shoes and experience what I'm about to share, please be thankful that you have the confidence enough to realize that you are pretty. And to all guys out there who think us women need to shut up and deal with it, please listen to my story. I am a breast cancer survivor. I had a mastectomy on one breast so that means I had the bad breast removed and had only one breast remaining(not a pretty site-even when it all heals up). To say the least,in addition to having no hair and looking like a horrific monster, I had no self confidence. Soon after I had reconstructive surgery, so now I do have 2 breasts again but the new one is not perfect. While I was in the hospital for a week after the surgery, I found out (about a year later) that my husband was renting porn movies and watching at home alone while I was laying in a hospital bed all bandaged up and knowing that after the bandages come off they were going to be horrific scars. I was devastated. That made my jealousy 1000x times worse. I know to this day 100% that he has not cheated on me-there's no way- I watch him too close. But for that 1 week that I couln't , I found out what he's capable of. He also did this one other time when I had to go out of town for a funeral. Since then, he is not allowed to be home by himself at any time. He does abide by this . It is very inconvenient at times but he knows if he messes up and he knows that if he don't play by the rules I will leave him. Beacuse of all this, I have no trust in him and I've told him without trust , it's impossible to have any kind of marriage. We are not sexually active anymore. So until someone has had the insecurities that I have, please be thankful that you can at least say that you know you are attractive. I don't wish cancer on anybody but if everyone in this world could have a sexual organ removed from their body(especailly to the men out there) maybe this world would not be so sex crazed and and there wouldn't be any playboys or whatever trash is out there. How bout having postop mastectomy babes in the next issue. Guys, intsead of salivating or whatever you do, I know your reaction would be a turnoff. What message does that put out-that this world and the people in it are obsessed with the "perfect body-airbrushed and siliconed). How sad. I did have a fairly decent body at one time , but I couldn't help what happened to me. So men, ladies , this is why jealousy exists.

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A female reader, InConstantTurmoil United States +, writes (5 June 2010):

Hello everyone. Thank you all for making me feel more "normal." My BF is wonderful. The sweetest, kindest man ever. BUT, I am PAINFULLY aware he notices other women even though he tries very hard not to. I dread going out with him. I find myself paying more attention to the other women in the room than he is. Trying to see if someone is there he might notice. The same holds true for TV, movies, grocery store etc.

Strange thing is, just like the rest of you, I am constantly told how beautiful I am. I meet guys everywhere who ask me out. Why can I not feel more confident?! I hate it. They say misery loves company but I think this page is important as I finally found others who can truly relate. Reading the other posts shows others are saying the EXACT same things I am. But Why? Why do we feel this way?

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A female reader, phbear59 United States +, writes (2 May 2010):

I know exactly what a lot of you girls are going through. I have been with my bf for a year and we are so in love. Sometimes I even think he loves me more and I know he would do anything for me. We've already talked about marriage and having kids one day. But I have such bad jealousy issues. I have definitely done my share of suspicious jealousy-arousing things that he has confronted me about, but he still loves me so much and trusts me so much. I feel a pinch of jealousy if I catch him looking at another woman but I never say anything/i get over it, and I don't have a problem talking about hot women or celebrities in the media or on t.v. or anything. He Rarely drinks, he really never talks to his girl friends, he will go out Maybe once a month, he has never given me a legitimate reason to not trust him, he has been the most amazing and perfect bf. But I get jealous over girls' facebook comments, I found dirty pictures of a porn-model or whatever on his phone and I got angry and told him to erase them. And I am extremely insecure about him going out with his friends.

When we first started out, we were dating for a month and then the night he asked me to be his gf we were at his friends barbeque. There was this girl there that we had met for the first time and we all got drunk, and my bf was all over me and only kissing me but he kept going up to that other girl, putting his arm around her and snuggling against her. It was making me kind of angry but I didn't say anything because we still weren't "official," and I thought if this is how he acts with other girls then he isn't bf-material. But later on, he asked me to be his gf and when I confronted him and he was totally surprised because he had no idea he was doing this. From then on he made it a point to exclude her and he made sure he only paid attention to me. But ever since then I just couldnt get that image of them out of my head every time he says hes going to be out with his friends.

After a while we were going out, we got into a fight because I told him I get jealous because this is what I imagine he will be doing with other girls when he's really drunk. He didn't even remember this ever happened at the barbeque because he was so drunk that night. But when I told him what he was doing, he couldn't believe that this had happened. He even asked his friend who was there if he saw him doing it. His friend said no but I still know what I saw, and I really am not crazy enough to make stuff up, I swear lol. But this made me even more insecure because he couldn't even Remember that this was how he acted; I just can't stand to think that he'll be out, get overly-drunk, and end up with some girl, and not even remember.

Also, he has this one girl friend who is just one of those very touchy and talkative girls, who will call my bf "baby" and "love" and send him "kisses" etc. She does it to other guys and she has a bf herself but I just can't stand it when I see their text messages or comments on his facebook. And one time I saw that she had sent him a picture of herself to his phone and he sent one back to her of himself. It was just their faces but also, later on that day he sent me the same picture he took for her and told me it was for me. We got into this huge fight because I just could not understand why they had to exchange pictures?? He told me he really doesn't see her that way and he really doesn't think she does either. And he said that he didn't even think anything of the picture thing; she just sent him one so he sent her one back. He didn't know how else to explain it but think that it was just what he should have done. She seems to really be in love with her bf but theyre always breaking up and getting back together and for some reason she Always comes to my bf to talk about these issues. I just feel like one of these days she's going to try something with him because she gives up on her asshole bf. And I know this sounds crazy but this Exact situation happened with one of my exs. I found txts on his phone of them talking this way (more flirty though) and when I confronted him he said, no no we're best friends, this is just how we talk to each other, nothings going on...I believed him and forgot about it...about a week later, we brokeup and they started dating, and have been for 3years.

We've also gotten into a fight because he has one of his other girl friends saved on his contact list as "Beddy Boobs." I asked him about it and he said she's one of his oldest friends (which is true) and she just has big boobs.

We recently got into a fight because he was going to go to his best friends sister's bday party but there was going to be this girl that he slept with (way before he knew me) there. I also knew that the 2 girl friends mentioned before were going to be there too. So basically, I could not stop imagining him possibly getting too drunk and end up cheating on me. He kept telling me not to worry but I can't stop seeing it in my head and then it literally makes me feel nauseous. I have seen his party pictures with all these friends and they're grinding, he has one of the girls on his back, he has his face in the "Beddy Boobs'" boobs - crazy pictures. I get jealous not because they're there but because I feel like this is how they act when they get drunk and party together. To me, this isn't normal-i-have-a-girlfriend behavior! He told me he doesn't act this way now because he has a gf..those were from way before, but I just cant accept his word.

I really used to Never be jealous with my ex-bfs. Whenever they told me they were going to parties or drinking I may have felt slight jealousy at the moment but we Never got into fights and I got over it in 5 minutes. But then one of them turned out to be lying and probably cheating on me with his "best friend," and another, multiple times, tried to hookup with other girls right in front of my face. Granted, I wasn't in love with any of my bfs except my current one, but still I used to never be this way. Even after all the shitty things my exs did to me, I still let it go and wasn't jealous. And in the beginning of me and my current bfs relationship, I was Never jealous as I am now; it just kept getting worse and worse over the year. He really does help me through my issues everytime we get into a fight and he is so understanding. But with every fight we get into I feel he is getting more and more impatient, while I'm getting more and more jealous. Maybe its because i am actually in love with my bf now so I am more possessive or I have seen so many other friends cheat and get cheated on when they seemed to be so in love. Do I need help or are these legit reasons for getting jealous?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010):

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 11 years.we have kids and have been through hell and back.We are committed and very much in love.He knows I have issues with being insecure and extremely jealous,he tries his best to NOT say or do anything that will trigger my "freak out".I am very attractive.I know that and he tells me all the time how much he loves me and how sexy I am.It is not fair to him,I know that!He doesn't have any issue with me saying Dave Navarro is hot.But he knows I would have a serious break down if he ever said another woman is hot.I don't want to be this way!I feel like shit because of how I make him feel sometimes!Last night he had a comment on facebook from one of his male friends about his "friend of the day".I freaked out.I slept on the couch!It isn't a big deal.And I know that.But in the moment I fill with rage and I guess fear and I lose it!He has no control over some of these things and I still get pissed at him!How can I stop being this way??When I read this I seem kinda mental.I know that.I just can't seem to be realistic in the moment for some reason.It is so not fair.Any advice?Besides the phsychiatrist??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010):

Hi guys this is my 3rd post on my progress with my obsession with being perfect and jealously towards other women. My first post was on the 9th December 2008 when I was at my lowest point, I wrote of my great progress after that on the 5th April 2009 and now nearly a year and a half on I can say I AM CURED!!!

I have been living with my long term partner now for nearly a year and I don’t worry who is walking next to us anymore or who is sitting opposite us or even if Kim Kardashian/Megan fox is on TV anymore!! It’s just faded. I have become so close with my man he is my soul mate. No more obsessing about having the perfect body and looking like a goddess every second of the day. No more obsessing about having a perfect big booty and flat tiny waist. I eat healthy now; I have long healthy conversations with my man. We go for meals every weekend and I don’t have to scan the whole restaurant anymore to make sure I am the best looking girl in there, I am so relaxed now I just look into my mans eyes and enjoy our meal and we talk about the future, marriage , kids and I feel truly blessed to have saved our relationship and saved myself from the torture I was putting myself through.

I think naturally as I am getting older (I’m 25 now) looking perfect and not wanting my man to be attracted to other women doesn’t seem important to me anymore. I feel as I mature and go through life’s ups and downs its made me realise life is too short and I thank god everyday for my health , my man and my good looks. Enjoy your beauty.

To all the stunning women out there embrace what u have, remember that so many people would kill, pay to look like you. Ugly people have to get out of bed and go to work and have relashonships too, think how they must feel. ...........they seem to be just fine so why the HELL cant you be. We will grow old and grey and look back on our pathetic wasted life obsessing over other women when really you can enjoy your life’s and enjoy being so attractive.

Get more involved in your relationships, ignore those other women, dress yourself not just to look hot but also for comfort as that will naturally make you feel amazing. There will be amazing women out there with or without makeup and we all need to appreciate this. Everyone looks very different with different features. Make the best and accentuate your best features and once you are out there in the world with your man walking down the street try and forget that you are a stunning girl, forget that there are women walking past you and your man. Forget that, yes maybe your man thinks a women looks attractive but how many men that you walk past also think that you look very attractive????

If you like men looking at you then why can’t your man admire someone else!!! Being stunning is amazing, being a good person with a great heart who loves her man feels even better. Enjoy life, embrace beauty and learn to love everyone. If you think like this YOU WILL BE CURED. It has only taken me a year and a half but the whole process has been fulfilling!! You can do it too. XXX

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

How many of you women have been like sexually molested seriously.. I think you all need therapy.. Not trying to be a dick but holy shit you girls are so lucky to have any guy put up with the littlest bit of that nonsense. The littlest bit is still a ridiculous amount if you catch what I am saying... Seriously if you care about your man please see a therapist because I had a pretty jealous chick once and loved her and tried to put up with her crap... but i could only do it for about six months and had to end it. So if you love him and want to really give this guy the best gift you will ever give him throughout the whole relationship, please see a therapist... Oh and by the way the girl I was with went to a psychiatrist and they put her on meds and it was the best feeling I ever had, she was like a completely new person... And sadly enough she stopped taking them after 2 weeks then shortly after that was about the end soo. excuse my wording of the beginning of this reply but damn.. Hopefully this touches somebody in a different way than your father did.. HAHA JUST SOME HUMOR... now run along and get some help. HE WILL THANK YOU

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A female reader, Weramazing United Kingdom +, writes (22 February 2010):

Weramazing agony auntHi everyone

I have been Reading some of the messages to be honest it's quite sad that so many people feel like this even some who seem to hve really trusting supportive boyfriends.

Maybe sometimes before you argue about your thought you should stop and think about what you are upset about and whether is eight or normal to be upset about it. It is good that for many of you , you can recognise that the extent of your insecurities are not healthy.

Society today has made it so acceptable for women to be looked at in a sexual way almost every channel on tv has sexual references to women even when it is not late. Isn't it funny that so many men look at women in a sexual way and have dirty thoughts yet not as many women look at men like that I think it is because society has made it like this. Therw are hardly any sexual references to men Im sure if society was the other way round women would be how men are today and men would be as women are. To be fair there are quite alot of women also being unfaithful and doing these things to guys but just not as many.

For some people there insecurities may have something to do with something that may have happened in there life like a parent abandonning them or being sexually assaulted, bullied or having an ex cheat on them.

I think for those of you thy really feel bad you should get some professional advic. Or at least a Self help book on overcoming insecurity and jealousy maybe even talk to your close friends aswell. Also think of when you were most confident an happy and look at what was different in your life then to now. It could be even doing more things you enjoyed eg dance, acting, singing seeing friends and other hobbies. Also if you ate feeling low about your appearance or weight maybe join a gym as this in itself can boost your confidence as you are setting a goal and achieving it by going and achieving the goals you set for yourself as well as meeting new people. Sometimes even a new hairstyle or a new outfit can change your confidence. Obviously most importantly you need to look within and try to identify the problems either by seeking professional help or talking to friends.

Remember you are not alone I'm sure millions of girls feel the same good luck to you all I hope you can soon be happy and secure with yourselves and your relationships.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):

"OMG! I am exactly the same way! I get jealous over the littest thing. For example when we're watching a movie and theres a pretty/hot girl on, my heart starts racing and i feel sick. Just the thought of my bf admiring another womans body makes me want to vomit!"

This is just one example of the answers here. My advice is to see a psychiatrist. There is something very seriously wrong with you and you need a lot of help. This advice also goes for many of the responses here. I swear that this site should be changed from Dear Cupid to Dear Insecurity. If you can't solve your problem yourself then get professional help. And this really is your problem

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010):

Oh my fucking God. (Excuse the language, please, but I am just SO astounded!) I know I'm going to sound just like everybody else who has already commented on here, but I am the EXACT SAME WAY!!! I am a jealous and paranoid (yet attractive), on-the-verge-of-insanity bitch! Well, maybe not a bitch but I sure act bitchy when I get triggered by the ASSUMPTION that my boyfriend is even NOTICING another woman.

I am jealous just about every single day of my stressful life. Be it over pictures on the internet, movies, real life women, CARTOONS--you name it, and I'm jealous. I mean come on, when you get jealous over the movie "A Bug's Life" because you think MAYBE your boyfriend is thinking the princess ant's voice is pretty, you've got a serious problem! Is anybody else THAT crazy? If I see any girl who has the slightest chance of possibly being pretty, I am always paranoid that he is noticing them. I talk about this with him A LOT. He understands me very well and is very sensitive to my needs. He USED to have an addiction to pornography, though, which I think helps feed my problem. I am very insecure too, though. Luckily, he has given up pornography and is a changed man (truly). He told me that he never finds other women "sexy" or "beautiful" or anything like that; that all he thinks is that sometimes a woman has nice facial architecture. Sort of like a simple appreciation of architectural beauty.

I still hate it. I don't like him even LOOKING at another woman and thinking ANYTHING about her appearance! He tries his darndest to please me in every way and is even trying to stop thinking women are pretty (which I told him is impossible--yet he is trying). A part of me still just doesn't believe him, though. How can he NOT think women are attractive?

I have nightmares literally every other night that he is cheating on me, or being irresistably drawn to a naked woman, or groping women right in front of me. These dreams plague me!!!

We have stopped watching most movies, too. (Check Imdb.com... they have "content lists" on there for just about every movie, that tell you in detail what sort of sexual/nude things are contained in the movie, even kissing. My boyfriend and I check EVERY single movie on imdb first before watching it. It's a blessing.) He doesn't like movies with bad things in them anymore, either. He is starting to see things my way: that the world is filled with immoralitiy, sex, and half-naked sluts--and that these things are detestable. Yet still, I am a crazy freak who CANNOT STAND him finding other woman pretty or attractive. Every single time we go out I get depressed and overthink things and get a headache and just want to kill myself. Surrounded my dumbass women.

Ok, enough of that. I can't believe i am not alone. If only we could find a way out!!! I'm thinking of seeing a therapist.... don't know if it'll help...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010):

Hi all I'm 23 and can relate deeply to all these coments. Iv been with my partner 7yrs and there's an age gap. I to strugle with tv and films. I can watch alone but feel very uncomfortable when my boyfriend is with me. Sex is evry where. I dnt like it but cnt change that as to many women today are to willing to expose themselfs and men and tv will always be willing to embrace this. I not always been like this but can see where the insecurities came from a few year bk when domestic violence in another relationship and being sexualy abused by my step dad I feel is the reason I am this way. Only lately recognised why I'm this way and was to ready to blame evryone else. Now I'm going through my doctor to get counceling and I'm hoping that this will solve my problem sorting my head out abit. Thanks for all the open people its helped to see that the worlds presures afect us all similarly as its all to easy to asume no one but us has problems. I'm thankful that I have an understanding boyfriend who is helping me work threw this to. Good look evryone I think self confidence and counciling may be the gud way forward x

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A female reader, hoplessromantic3 United States +, writes (1 February 2010):

we're all making our self out to be crazy, and unfortunetly is happens to the best of us. i can relate to all of you. maybe if the guys would quit letting their eyes wonder, we would be okay. god forbid i look at a hot guy. double standards are so ridiculous. the only advice i can offer is to boost your self esteem. you just need to have that attitude that your better than everyone else, and it'll work. if a guy looks at other girls, then look at other guys! i bet you he wont do it for long (;

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010):

OMG! I am exactly the same way! I get jealous over the littest thing. For example when we're watching a movie and theres a pretty/hot girl on, my heart starts racing and i feel sick. Just the thought of my bf admiring another womans body makes me want to vomit! We've broken up several times because of my jealousy and i think as of today its over for good. He made a comment about a woman on tv being hot and it threw me over the edge. I dred renting movies because of the attractive woman in them. I am not unattractive myself by any means. Im told almost on a daily basis how hot/gorgeous i am. whats wrong with me??!!... its good to know theres other people out there just like me. i really thought i was the only one!

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A male reader, GRANGE255 Australia +, writes (17 January 2010):

26 years old and Male, i feel exactly the same i even get jealous of my cousin's my best friends guys she works with, if she wears anything to revealing when we are out or i am not there but if its just us i like her wearing not much, but i get this rage ], start accusing her of cheating or having an interest in someone else, these accusations come from the littlest thing!!! i absolutley hate the person i am when it comes to jealousy and possessiveness. i dont wanna be this person its wrecking my fiance and i's realtionship. why do i feel this way what is wrong with me do i have anxiety or some other mental illness please help i wanna be trusting and carefree when it comes to other people. i dont understand the way i think it just happens??? help

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010):

OH MY GOD! after reading all of these,

i laughed to myself.

i thought i was the only one feeling this way.

yea, sometimes i think im crazy.

i think im obsessed with him already.

i cant even stand looking at his pictures with other people,

and his tweets with other people.

OMG. i dunno why. :l

that's why i looked for sites that may help

me in my problem, and i stumbled upon this.

i think im soooo insecure. :l

im only 18 and im from the phils.

gaaaaaaawd. the feeling sucks. :l

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A female reader, sugarkane United States +, writes (27 December 2009):

I am exactly the same way and its such a relief to find so many girls are going thru the same as me!Seems none of my friends can relate.I get so insecure I cant watch movies,tv,commercials with my fiance..everywhere ya go its beautiful women on the cover of magazines and all over tv..guys cant relate because they arent exploited in the same way so they dont develope the insecurites that we do.My guy tells me Im beautiful..blah blah..but I cant help but think he wants to f*ck every hot chic he sees!It sounds a lil ridiculous when I spell it out but I literally cannot control how I feel and it drives him nuts.I only wish men had to put up with what we do!I wish every movie and every magazine and every commercial portrayed a nearly naked man with a six pack and perfectly airbrushed face to give these guys a run for their money;-)

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A female reader, Sadnat South Africa +, writes (2 December 2009):

Sadnat agony aunti feel exactly the same, i sometimes think i am crazy.. i cant stand strippers and porn and even though my boyfriend does his best to respect that sometimes i overreact about a pic or something and automatically want to leave him its really sad. but i know how you feel and its horrible to live this way.

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A female reader, Blueeyed1234 United States +, writes (20 November 2009):

Omg! I am so extremely happy that i found this site where these women feel EXACTLY literally EXACTLy the same way i do. Its an awful feeling and it overcomes me. It wasnt so bad when me and my boyfriend first started dating, for some reason i didnt think about it as much, but now and esp bc i know we are serious this feeling comes over me when i see even a decent looking women, bc i kno that he is going to look, not necessarily stare, but look, and i feel like he is thinking damn there are so many pretty girls in the world, or want me to look like that. I *ucking hate this. It is ruining our relationship. and the crazy part about it ladies, i know that when i act crazy or comment on something, i know that its stupid and quite foolish but i still cant get over it. it literally overtakes me and makes me mean and accuse my boyfriend. He hates it.

i know he would never cheat on me too, i know that im not ugly, but there are some things i wish were different about my body. i also do have a prosthetic leg on my right leg so that sometimes can affect it a little, but thats not really it. I hate being this way bc i know that all im doing is pushing the one i love away from me. Like some of you said, we cant even seem to watch tv, bc every *ucking channel is hott chicks!!! im like ready to pull my hair out. and i will say stupid shit like" yeah u wish i looked like that , huh?" and then he gets irritated. and i understand that.

Its not only ruining my relationship, but its starting affect my life. Its like all i dwell on and i get in this deep depression. I need help to overcome this crazy psycho feeling that i get, because he obviously loves me and is with me, its soooooo hard for me. i want to enjoy my bf and for him to enjoy me. also sometimes ill freak out about his x's like they were better or worry that they were hotter than me. its like i have to be the best or im not happy. but thats soooo silly and kind of ignorant. i know that, soooo please someone help me, i dont want to be that naggy over jealous crazy gf! Please!

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A female reader, dips United Kingdom +, writes (17 September 2009):

Hiya!I've had to deal with my jealousy and insecurity for the past 2 years since being with my boyfriend,He's got alot of female friends who he's close to, and sometimes I feel their competing with me for his attention, I feel really left out sometimes when he focuses on them, to be fair he has known them for years but why can't he be the same with me?. I'm an attractive woman and I've been told that, lately I've put on weight and have been unemployed for a year so its stressed me out that I've started focusing on my bf..why hes not called or seeing me or does he want someone else..we've argued about him and other women,and he said bluntly..that I have everything but I'm crackers, I then decided I don't want ANYONE to ever say that to me again, I've started focusing on my life, nothing can get better until you sort 'you' out first and then your bf will see this change and he'll be instantly attracted to you and remember again why he liked you in the first place,and be relieved that he can express himself without worrying, if you show you trust him then he'll do anything for you... xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009):

Okay women so their is aloooooot of similiarties going on on this website. and i agree with every single one of them. I was hoping their would be more advice then everyone feeling the same but the truth is is it's almost impossible sometimes to make yourself feel better about situations like this. I get crazy too and I even think to myself "omg i can't believe i'm this crazy". It's very hard and I wish i could go to every single publisher and talk to them about how it is really bringing women down. It's as tho the people want you to lower yourself to be one of those slutty women or you can't over come it. If you can't beat them join them? I will never lower myself to taking my clothes off for attention for ANY man. From Brad Pitt to Lionardo they can kiss my ass if they don't respect me with my clothes ON. HA! I am only 17 yrs old but i feel like i've been dealing with this for centuries. When i was younger i thought eh i'll over come it it's just a stage i'm going threw but now I'm still going threw it and i see other women even 40 and up STILL having difficulties with this issue.

I wish that the girls who have beauty and nice bodies can still be respected with their clothes on. Everytime me and my man watch a movie, before it evens starts i'm worried about what naked scene they'll be showing and it breaks me to see my man watching it but if i get mad at him i really do sound crazy because how can he help what the publisher put in the movie? Then i'll say "well than don't get movies like that!" But in reality it is in EVERY movie up rated from G. My boyfriend is very understanding and kind and tells me he understands how i feel and even agrees with me sometimes about how ridicuolous it is to be surrounded by our sexual enviornment.

He says that everybodys a robot from when they grow up people put things in to their head and they don't have minds of their own. people are always worried about how the look what their bra size is or how many strech marks they have on their ass and it is because of what we are surrounded by! how can we think any diff.? When was the last time u seen a naked girl with some love handles playing a part in a movie? I get so mad but i think i've gotten better what really bothers me is movies and tv shows because they make them look flawless. I always wish i could show my boyfriend what she really looks like when i wipe off the makeup! people call me gorgeous, etc etc and I really don't mind if i think im a little fat or ugly or whatever i would be fine with just being with one man who finds me beautiful inside and out no matter what shape i am. I really respect all you women who agree with me and no i don't find anyone of you's crazy or phyco b/c this is reailty and its sickning. Guys will call u crazy b/c hell they don't mind seeing the naked bitches or whores who try to flaunt their stuff in front of them because they are not the ones dealing with it. Theirs never naked dudes on tv or guys walking around all sexy. I can't even believe what i hear about some of these strip clubs it makes me sick how women can disprespect their bodies so badly and just act like such whores.I wonder sometimes if it is because they need to fit in and they just crave the attention so badly or if their just born with whore vessels in their blood. ahaha!

Just the other day me and my man were sittin outside of the beer store waiting for my brother and his friend and some bitches were at a stop light and looked over and seen my boyfriend and the one sings his name "HEYYY *****!" (dont wanna mention names) and i scream FUCK YOU SKANK! she just gives me a dirty look and they keep on driving haha.! But then i was confused if i should be mad at my boyfriend also for ever having a slut girl friend like that that would just sing his name out like that right in front of his girlfriend! I always make sure that i look down and don't flaunt if i see a girl with her boyfriend because i know how it feels and if u already have a man then theirs no excuses as to why you should be trying to get someone elses. Ughh i feel alot better knowing that im not the only crazy one ;-)! my advice to you ladies, is knock the bitches out that try to talk to your man/flirt with him UNLESS HE IS DOING IT BACK!

If your man is doing things to u like talking to other girls or doing something hurtful to you after u repeatdly told him how u feel about it and u gave him more than enough chances, than i say lose him. It's very hard once your in a long realstionship to let someone go but if they ain't changin after years or months and months, than their never going to.

And trust me ladies their is some good men out there. no matter what size you are or if you have 4 eyes there is a man out there who will treat u with the respect you deserve. I don't know when u will meet him or whatever but their is someone out their for you.

My man use to be a man whore from what i think but i can see the diff. person he is and how he talks to me i just believe he is wonderful. If your man is 99% perfect don't let that 1% drive you nuts.

it's very hard for me to stop constantly thinking about if hes thinking about other girls or wishing he could be with other girls or whatever, but if you do have a good man and you keep fighting with him about these things it will eventually push him away. Try and find a better way to talk to him about it or just try talking about it calmly. Its not his fault the way our generation is but i think you can tell if he's innocent or guilty. just use your better judgement.

sometimes i get so over whelmed and i dont want to say im jealous or insecure of these whores because its not jealousy its not me wanting to be them or wanting to act like them because i could always do that but what would that make me? it would make me like everyone else. I find myself special and beautiful deep down because i know in my heart that im not going to strip for some extra money or im not going to sleep with a man so he loves me and i will get treated better in the long run when i do find a man who deserves me.

these girls will keep being whores and keep acting like cheap bimbos and show their boobs and ass to the world but where are they gunna be in the end? killed maybe. i doubt theyll ever find true love or get married. their not gunna look so hot when their wrinkles start comin in or their ass drops a few feet and then in the end THEYY will be the ones who look back at themseleves and think how gross they were and they will be the one with the biggest insecurities of all. and they will prob end up with aids or another std and die anyway.

ANYWAY, i could go on and on and on about this and i relate to every single one of these posts (except the last "male reader") but i think in the end all you ladies need to realize is your special. dont let it eat at you so much i know it is very very hard to just get threw the days sometimes but u have to keep ur head up and just know who you are even if its hard to find out sometimes. Dont ever settle for less because then you will be nothing more than another naked girl slut and right now u are much more than that.

You guys are REAL women and we need more of them in this world so never stop being who you are!!!

XOXOX, maddy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

Honey,I totally know what you are going through!The media has a lot to answer for!Everywhere we look there are images of toned perfect woman without a flaw how do we compare to that!I am very insecure especially about my breasts and what do I see in every magazine,website and programme on tv?women with big perky boobs and ya know what goes through my head?Is my BF looking and comparing between us,does he think oh my god I wish her boobs where more like that,we went to spain last year and I AM NEVER GOING ABROAD AGAIN!topless woman everywhere BF reduced to a gabbling idiot NO THANKS,I came back more insecure than when I went!We cant help feeling like this despite idiots who tell us to pull ourselves together but what we need to do is TRY and feel good for who we are,I know its not easy but this constsnt comparing of our looks really eats away at us and cant be doing us much good in the long run!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009):

So I've been reading all of these posts and its just so fascinating. I can understand where everyone is coming from (as I have suffered from a lot of mentioned symptoms of this problem with my b/f) and I almost feel like I can explain why.

Here's the first truth: every girl, even gisele, feels intimidated by another girl at least once in a while (if not often). The problem is our society but at this point there isn't much we can do to change it. The problem is that it just seems like now a days a beautiful woman is accessible to about every man on the street. Its extremely intimidating and frustrating for us women to just have to sit back and watch these perfect naked women prance around on tv for our b/f's to oggle. On tv all we see over and over again are guys getting with these beautiful always accessible women its reinforced so often that it's almost sickening. The truth of the matter is that biologically men are drawn to boobs, nudity and sex, they literally can't help it and lets be honest ladies we are human too and we still like to look but women are different. There's a reason you don't see many all male reviews around. Guys are never not going to like to look at nakedness and guess what ladies that works in our favor because trust me our boyfriends loooovvveee us naked even with our un-perfect boobs and flabby thighs and unattractive fat spots, yes ladies they love your nakedness even with your flaws! Ya that perfect looking girl on tv is hot on tv but your real! your the real girl with real flaws and those girls from tv have flaws too but you won't see those on tv as the media sells fantasies.

It just seems like our society has cheapened sex and the value of beauty on a mainstream level and its really having a strange emotional impact on many of us ladies.

The truth of the matter is that in real life beautiful women aren't just waiting around for your man trying to seduce him and to be honest these women that you are obsessively comparing yourself to on tv are all less attractive than you in their own ways whether it be a lack of intelligence, less cultured, or just boring people that have only had to rely on their good looks to get them through life. not saying there's anything wrong with being good looking you just have a different set of challenges in your life just like everybody else.

I think the real problem is that we are having a problem feeling appreciated and beautiful as ladies in this society without feeling like its not all about looks & sex. Shows like the ones on HBO and Showtime and the thousand other movies that rage on hormones, nudity and sex are in our faces 24/7 with the perfect 34 25 36 figure in our faces over and over again. We all grew up being bombarded with ads about how to be prettier and look better "for ourselves" they say but in reality we have literally all grown up obsessed with finding a man, being pretty for society, and treating all the women around us as competition for a man. The problem is that us women spend too much time talking down about each other and always treating each other as competition for our man!

I doubt your guy will know how to relate to your insecurities about this because think about it ladies boys and girls are raised very differently. we literally grow up our whole lives with men and clothes and being pretty being shoved down our throats. Buys don't grown up under these same conditions. I think the real problem is how we condition boys and girls from childhood. We limit our girls from the very beginning to always make them think they need something more to be beautiful but in reality all they need is to be themselves and love themselves that's when your real beauty shines through!

In the mean time just figure out who you are and why you are valuable. This problem stems from YOU not your boyfriend or anyone else. The problem is that you don't value yourself and what you do have going on and is working for you in life...I bet if you figure out those things you will see where you are a perfect 10 in some ways even if not by your standard of looks (and there are plenty of things that are extremely valuable in life other than looks). If you still can't get past looks than you might want to re-explore where you are spending your time and find a hobby that makes you feel more valuable to yourself...hope this helps!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009):

Hi Guys,

I wrote a post on the 9 December 2008 and i just wanted to let you know that things have improved about 80% since then. We have moved in together and it has made the world of difference. I still will and probably always will have a fear of not being the best looking girl in the room but i can now say that my fear has faded alot simply because i have moved in with my man and we have become closer, stronger and instead of just seeing each other 3-4 times a week and me making sure my face and body was in tip-top shape so that i was his ideal women,,,,,,,,now that we live together we enjoy doing great things together like cooking, walking in the park ( and yes i still look around the parks and shops for attractive women but to be honest here in the UK the women are not that hot and even if they are sometimes i am so engrossed in conversation with my man about bills, work, what we are going to cook that night etc etc i don't seem to care as much anymore. Also when we were dating before we moved in together we used to have sex way to much it was all we seemed to do and i felt there was so much pressure for me to be his perfect women, big booty, tits, face etc etc etc. But now we have sex about 3 times a week and if i feel like my stomach is bloated i dont care, whereas before i would make sure my stomach was ironing board flat before i saw him that week and sometimes would skip my meal the night before so the next day my waist was thin. But now he sees me without makeup on (i dont look as hot without it if im honest, i look rather plain) but i feel like i can be me without having to spend loads of money on underwear and perfect makeup and hair....... but now i can chill out in our flat with no makeup on and baggy clothes and i feel like my personality is the thing he loves about me and we can talk and talk and talk for hours. Sorry if i am blabbing on............ all im trying to get across is.....BE strong, think yourself lucky that you have been blessed with good looks, HOT figures and good health and most of all a GOOD MAN!. Some people don't have any of these things but they still get up and get on with daily life and focus on the more important things in life whereas we all seem to focus on looks and appearance..........when we are 50 and wrinkly and are bodies are not so hot anymore what will we have to be happy about if we spend our whole youth trying to stop our men looking at other people in the street and not going out or going to the cinema because of this fear. Be happy with your hot looks and body's and feel proud that you have what most women could only dream of having and enjoy the finer things in life. Ciao XxXxXxXxX

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009):

I am nearly in tears reading all your posts....

i am only 18 and have been with my boyfriend for over two years. unlike most posts both me and my boyfriend are as insecure as eachother...

it makes our relationship a nightmare, we both have to shut our eyes when naked bodies come on screen, we accuse eachother of looking at attractive people on the street, we constantly ask each other 21 questions about cheating and finding other people attractive...

we are stuck in a rut and i cant see a future together because of it, the only way to stop is if we finished but i couldnt bare to see him with a prettier girl :(

we both have total control over eachother, we are like robots, he cant go out on the piss and neither can i.i made him delete all female contacts and would kill him if he even said hello to a girl and quite frankly i hate myself coz of it... i am a complete NUTTER, and its out of my control.

however we have all got one thing in common, we all individuallu beautiful and we need to stop our obbsessions because we are all gonna be the ones crying when we lose them due to our own insecurities.

xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009):

I know how you all feel. Im not going to sit here and say Im beautiful or a model because that has nothing to do with it.And I really dont think you are all ligitament models.Im not trying to be mean,just realistic and even statistically that can be true.Beauty is relative and all of your significant others, unless they are shallow, dont love you just for your outer beauty. And from what all you have been saying,all you seem to be with nice guys.And thats more the issue I think. Im not a model, Im 5'3 and my boobs are not perfect. Ive never had problems getting good looking men. But I have had problems getting good ones. Until Thomas, who was previously before he was with me,I'll say it, a manwhore. But he is ready to settle down, with me of all people. I dont think Im conventionally pretty, I have my good days and not so good days. I think Im an aquired look,because we cant all be models like you guys.And my personality is an enhancer of my overall look. Im funny and confident and charming, at least thats how I use to be described. But I let this fear of abandonment take over and blur who I really am. Most likely stimmed from my father, who cheated on many women and dated strippers. Oh yeah, did I mention Thomas previously dated a stripper? I also dont like my smile, its not awful but I will be getting braces. Im 19, and will have them for atleast a yr b.c my teeth arent that in need. But I know my insecurities will only go up when I get them. I just know the kind of girls he attracts, and they are aggressively flirtacious and slutty. Im not, which is weird. And maybe thats why he loves me, I dont know. And we really go so well together, we have the same humor, same ideals and interests, and we get compliments on how well we look together. I know he's the one. Ive known since I was 14. I knew him then, he was 19. Ive seen him with several girls with big boobs and perfect smiles.I just feel like Im not his type physically, and it really gets to me.Like when I was looking at his laptop and found porn of all these girls, with big boobs and perfect everything. Latinas with big t&a. Im only half, and I only have a big butt and c's, but everyone says I look white. And he always calls me a white girl, and it bothers me b/c I know that curvy,dark skinned latina is his type. Ugh, its ridiculous! Plus, when I started staying ovr a lot, I found all kinds of stuff from other girls. It just makes me think he still thinks about them. I wish I could shake this, I was never like this before him. It makes me physically ill, and inturn makes me feel like I look worse physically. Its a viscious cycle, and its all self-inflicted. I hate it, and I wish I could turn it off. But the hard truth is, we cant. Its who we are, its how we think. Coping is all we can do, reinforce good thoughts. Play his compliments back in your head, or ask him to express more compliments if he doesnt. Dont stop living just to keep his eyes closed to every girl. I'll admit Ive looked at other men on the street,it happens. but I didnt love them. And he feels the exact same way when he sees other woman. People come in contact with each other in a society, its a daily ordeal. Cutting off social lives and activities wont help your relationship grow,it'll stunt it. I know its hard, I really really do. I dread the days when he gets maxim in, and once he said sara barielles's voice was sexy and now I turn the radio when she's on(I use to like her) and he said kiera knightly was his wife, I already didnt care for her so I pulled up pictures on the web of her emaciated body on the beach and said "look what you married into." I feel crazy for doing those things, but while they might have been over the top, what I felt was so unbearable and I had to make him feel guilty for looking at those girls to make myself feel more important than them. Im working on it though, everyday and hes patient and loving. He doesnt look at girls, or porn anymore.And the latter one I think is reasonable, because I dont think its okay to get off to other woman. But like some others have said, I dont want him to feel guilty. I just want him to do it because he loves me. But the fact is, guys dont read minds, they almost always dont know the right thing to say, and they dont mean any harm by it 99% of the time. Just put urself in his shoes, it must be hard to feel guilted and accused all the time, right?Like you're walking on eggshells and you have to watch the sidewalk when you go out, or the carpet during sex scenes in a movie. Thats not the way to live and enjoy your life with your loved one, its selfish and unbalanced.Just think about it, I know more than anyone its better said than done. Im even looking back on what I just wrote, and am surprised at how well I can talk the talk,but not walk the walk.

My good thoughts go out to all of you, and if I give you a dirty look on the street when Im walking with my man, dont take it personally.Im working on it. Baby steps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009):

I know this is a very old post but ive just come across it. I am exactly the same as you girls, i dont understand how i can be like this either because as most of you guys have said im also a pretty girl and do modelling. I have my body hang ups the same as everyone else but am generally happy with my image. Ive been with my fiance nearly 4 years, im nearly 21.

At the start everything was great i would watch movies with him etc, go through mags with him picking out the pretty girls etc. Now i cant even watch tv with him, theres so many programmes i want to watch but wont as there are so many pretty and naked girls in the programmes.

Its doing my head in everywhere you look theres really beautiful women and it really gets to me. As some of you guys said when i see my partner talking to a lass or if a lass texts him i get so mad, i can feel the rage boil up inside me. I really hate myself for being like this.

I know my partner would never cheat hes not like that, hes always telling me how pretty i am etc but it still doesnt help. He doesnt look at porn either. And when a naked girl comes on tv he usually looks away now too or tells me to turn it off. He shouldnt have to do that its not fair on him i hate myself for him having to do that! He tries to be supportive of me but sometimes i really annoy him and he says i have issues and need help and calls me a physco lol! Which really annoys me but is exactly spot on lol.

Ive tried talking to a councellor online but it didnt really help at all! I dont know how other girls dont get jealous at all. My sister will sit and watch anything with her partner she never seems to get jealous. I really wish i could be like that!

Its soooooo good to know im not the only girl with this problem.

Anyway i know this is an old post i just thought id add to it. Felt good getting it out lol.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009):

I understand more than I would like to about how you feel. The worst part for me is...that my bf still watches porn (though he knows it crushes me), answered this when i asked whether his last gf was hotter than me recently... "I don't know. Maybe a little", and has told me that he prefers me to be thinner (I'm 5'2inches and 128 lbs and not bad looking. though I could be thinner).

My last bf understood my insecurities and would have NEVER said those things to me. I love him, but he is making me worse. I too can't handle being around him when beautiful people are on the TV/in the mall/at a restaurant. He's always calling me out on being jealous and calling me crazy for it. Not in the nice way either. He tell me I'm pathetic for feeling this way.

I don't know how I can ever get over feeling bad about myself, and hating him for being attractive to other girls. I am smart. I know logically that its natural for him to be attracted to other people. but it is staight up killing me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009):

you guys do not understand.. I am reading everyone's posts and I am relieved, because I thought I was the only one who had this psychotic jealousy issue. I was not like this before! I put on a little extra weight, so I definitely do not look my best right now. my boyfriend and i have been together now for 5 years, and he is wonderful. i truly know and believe he would never cheat on me, he is just not that type of guy...and i strongly believe that, so yes i trust him...BUT for some reason i am just insanely jealous if there are prettier women in the room, or on tv, or in a picture.. they don't even have to be half naked, just pretty..i automatically get into depression mode, and am constantly thinking: wow she's pretty, im sure he wishes he was with her. or other things along those lines. What's absolutely crazy is that I KNOW THAT IT IS INSANE, and i WANT TO STOP SO BAD. I don't know how to kick this feeling, but its tearing me down and i would not be surprised if it takes a toll on my relationship.. i dont know what to do!

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A female reader, emlyn United States +, writes (26 February 2009):

how the world is today ... is ruining everythingg...

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A female reader, emlyn United States +, writes (26 February 2009):

I'm so glad I found this site. I actually HAVE modeled before, I do think I'm pretty. But it almost doesn't matter when this shit happens. I've been with my fiance now for about 2 years, and this kind of stuff seems to haunt me. I go home crying and ruin the entire day/night when something happens. If I think he sees another women in ANY way that he sees me, I'm going crazy. I've tried so hard before to not care and I know he doesn't look at porn anymore because of me. But I don't want it to be because of me, I want him to do it on his own... things on movies; when something comes on the screen like boobs, an ass, anything... he looks away for me, but you know what, it doesn't even matter at that point, he's already seen what he needs to. He tells me it doesn't mean shit and guys don't care, which is complete bullshit because I know before he dated me, he was classified a pervert in my mind just as any other guy. Which he also denies. I remember multiple times being on the phone with him as we were best friends, him saying things that I didn't care about at the time, about some girl being wicked hot.. and now I just constantly think back to it.

There's so much more to this than anyone could ever know. It's *ucking horrible that they put so much nudity in movies these days, television, magazines, internet... it's hard to get away from... it's hard to feel like I'm worth *ucking shit when I know he's seen all these airbrushed models, actresses who've had hours of make up and hair, and plastic surgery just to get in the scene of a movie with tits. I'm a christian as well, but that really doesn't have anything to do with it. Even if I wasn't I'd feel the exact same way. And I know jealousy is a sin, but it doesn't feel like jealousy, because it's not that I WANT to be anything else. It's honestly that I want to be perfect for HIM.

He calls me psycho sometimes and it makes me feel so terrible and down. I don't know how to fix this, I never cared about anything before we started getting serious. And I know that's when I was most happy. What's the worst is that I know his taste in women, and I know who a lot of them are (celebrities and even girls he's graduated with) He's the most faithful guy I know of, rough around the edges..but faithful. I know he wouldn't CHEAT on me, because it's just not him.

I don't know how to get out of this hole. I feel like I could never see him again and be fine with it sometimes because the rage inside of me is so strong after something like this occurs. Especially when I know it's happened all the time while he was away at boot camp and ait with his fucking perverted ass army friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008):

Hi Guys,

Iv been suffering with this for years now and i cant take it anymore. If my boyfriend make any comment about a woman like "she is pretty" i get hot and feel rage and i will always come back with an answer like "no she has a big nose or she has a flat bum" and then he will agree with me and say "yeah but she isnt as beautiful as you babe"

so this is my problem my boyfriend, friends and family put me on a pedastool all the time telling me how perfect i am and its starting to mess with my mind because if i go out with my boyfriend and feel like i am not the best looking in the room i will want to leave before my boyfriend sees the other girl who i see as competition. Sometimes i will point her out and say "is she pretty" and he will say "yeah but not as nice as you" sometime i just want him to say "she is much prettier than you" just to make myself hurt because im always so scared he is going to say someone is prettier than me and i dont know how i would deal with it if he did. i would be devastated.

I just want to be normal and not have to scan a bar, party, train or shopping mall to find attractive woman that i think my boyfriend will find more attractive than me.

Iv started trying to look at men when im out instead of woman and just focus on the men so i dont get distracted on the woman who are around, also iv tried to look at things in shops and be more interested in what we are doing and have more communication with my partner so if a lovely looking woman walks past he might glance and so would i but instead of me saying "is she pretty" i just carry on talking about general things and i find it helps alot and make me feel more normal. Its a hard thing we have to deal with but i believe when you have other things in your life to focus on like work, friends, family and conversation it will distract you from the petty stupid things like if a woman is more attractive than you. we should be praising beautiful woman its a great thing and try not to be envious..........its easier said than done. xxx

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A female reader, ellewelle Australia +, writes (4 December 2008):

I completely see where your coming from!!! and I mean it is great to know I'm not alone but bad other ppl deal with the same torture as me :(

All of my bf's mates/family/associates tell him how pretty I am, but I really don't see it :( It may be because I'm hung up on the fact I never feel good enough because I'm so short (5ft)& I see it as when ever i see a pretty girl i beat myself up because she's not only taller and prettier but has beautiful long legs...I become infuriated when I see my bf looking in the direction of a really pretty girl...like i get all heated & keep trying to tell what his thinking and same thing applies to movies as you girls have said skimpy/ no clothes & all perfect, i can feel him drooling over her and i want to die, its almost lead him to break up with me a few times cos i'll be like o i saw you looking at that girl and ask him if she thinks his hot and he gets upset, i see where his coming from but arghhh i can't handle it anymore i dont know what to do :s

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A female reader, Durini09 United States +, writes (1 December 2008):

I was reading every body's posts and It feels like I wrote them! I have been feeling like this for forever, and I do believe it is insecurity and sometimes the person we are with is the best and would never do anything like that to us but still doesnt makes us feel that something that would makes us feel secure and ofcourse there is a lot more. When I am by my self I dont feel like this maybe a bit but it doesnt afect me as much at all, but when I am with my now husband I feel just like you guys, I am amaized but would like to know if any of you found a solution to this problem? I cant stand it anymore!!!!!!

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A female reader, jillybean United States +, writes (24 October 2008):

I read all the posts and am glad (and a little sad) that so many others out there are just like me! I hate to watch any TV or movies w/my fiancee anymore because every single show or movie has some hot chick with her boobs or ass out. I have a horrible jealousy issue. I see women on the street, on TV, in movies, etc. And it is no particular type of woman. White, Black, Hispanic, Asian, blonde, brunette, skinny, fat, etc. I always think, when I see someone that I THINK he might be attracted to, that he'd rather be with her than me. It is really hard on our relationship. He has even said things like "we can't even watch tv anymore without you making a comment". Even when he is not with me I analyze other women. Would he want to be with her? Why can't I look like that? Jealousy is a horrible thing. If anyone knows how to overcome it, please let me know!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

if all women covered their beauty in front of every man apart from their partners then this problem will be solved, I'm a muslim and believe that Gods request that men and women should dress modestly is the solution to this jelousy, if you go to muslims countries most women cover their beauty when they are with other men, and the reason is because they dont want other men lusting over them, i feel great when im walking with my husband in a muslim country but when im here in the UK i feel sex hits my husband by the face forcefully.....modesty is the solution!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

Hi there,

I am 21 and have been with my partner for a year now. I am also expecting a baby.

I feel exactly the same way, im down every single day coz im scared he's lookin at other girls whilst he's out.

i get so jealous when he looks at pictures of girls, i even get jealous when he's around my female family members. my sister, cousins etc...

Its really making me ill, everyone keeps telling me i look so ill. Ive lost weight, ive let myself go. I just dont see the point anymore, coz i only feel rubbish about myself anyway. My boyfriend dont understand y im like this, and its really hard coz he gets so mad sometimes.

Please help!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe there is actually someone else out there feeling exactly the same way as me right now. I'm a Christian and I cannot stand the way society has made it okay for women to expose themselves this way. My boyfriend and I cannot watch a movie without seeing a naked woman or half nude guy (although its always full frontal for the female). We've also stopped watching some movies because they've become way too suggestive and even he doesn't like to see that. There lies my problem: I have a wonderful man who loves me to death and doesn't watch that stuff but I find it so difficult when we go out to not get jealous or comment if I see another girl with a shirt so low i could probably see her belly button if I looked longer than 1 second. It's just frustrating because like you, I've been told I should go into modeling and I'm slim I know that, but I find it so hard to gain confidence when I'm sizing myself up to scantily clad women. They may not get my boyfriend's attention, but they sure get mine! It's funny how girls check out girls and guys check out guys. My boyfriend will say something like, "yeah, I bet you wish I had that guys' body" and I won't have any idea who he's talking about. Maybe we just need to work on our own self esteem and stop blaming our boyfriends.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008):

Wow i'm really shocked so many women feel like me! I really thought i was an isolated case. My boyfriend thinks i'm nuts because of how jealous i get and the things i get jeolous over! He calls me "miss twist" because he says i twist everything to the most negative thing against me and exaggerate the truth. I don't know if any of u are as openly verbal about your "issues" as i am or not. But i sure am. lol I'm shamelessly open about them and it causes so many fights. I wish none of this types of stuff even bothered me at all but they put me in agony. Sometimes bringing things up helps me to feel a little better, if it manages not to cause a huge fight. I get so envious of the girls who just don't care what they're boyfriends watch or look at or lust after because in my mind they have a freedom, i don't know. Other than this area of our relationship things are great. Though this area enough causes him to want to break up with me at times(which i can understand) and it's a constant stress for me, as u can all relate. I'm actually happy that some of u mentioned being very attractive. I am a very attractive girl as well and i model too, not to sound arrogant cause i definitely can find flaws in my beauty, but i'm just mentioning this, the same as u all, to explain my situation. Obviously this isn't an issue that only "unnatractive women who don't get attenion" deal with. My boyfriend is a photographer and takes photos of me all the time and does make me feel very beautiful and i know he is very attracted to me, but yet i still have these jealousy issues. I don't have any real good answers or advice to give here now, because if i did, i'd be free of this too, but i'm not. All i can say is YOUR NOT ALONE or CRAZY! And after reading this you really inspired me to try and have some group or forum or something for women who deal with these jealousy issues specifically to talk about it and give advice. I think this is a very complicated and hard to understand manifestation of jealousy and i'm not even sure if most psychologist would understand. Maybe they would, i don't know, i've never been to one, so i can't be too sure. And if i had the money to be in therapy i would be, but i don't so all i can do is gather information this way and try and find other girls who feel the way i do, to talk about it and understand it myself. My heart goes out to you all because i empathize! I think all our issues, and i know i'm generalizing a bit here, have some truth to them based on the way society looks at women and sexuality and then some of it just really has to do with our own insecurities being manifested in this way. Everyone has struggles in life and this is just a struggle that isn't popular or understood, so thats why i feel even more determined to figure it out, help myself and support other girls dealing with it. I don't mean to sound all "women rock like" lol, but i really do genuinely feel bad that any woman should have to feel this way and i also feel relieved i'm not alone in this. Maybe me and my best friend, who is the only other girl i know who has felt this way, aren't completely crazy after all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008):

I am insecure also, people tell me I am beautiful too but the real issue is that my boyfriend has cheated on me with very ugly and unattractive women. Looks have very little to do with my problem. I feel insecure all of the time, sometimes I cannot even function because I feel like he would screw anything. I am jealous of ALL single women as well as some who are involved with their own men. I think ALL women want him and it drives me crazy. I am really convinced that I am not ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship. I have never been with a man who did not cheat even when I though everything was great. I am truly struggling because I know the feeling. I hate that there are more women than men.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008):

I feel so bad for you, because I can totally understand how you feel. I am really beautiful as well and think that does have something to do with it, because when you grow up pretty and get attention for your looks all the time, that becomes a huge source of your self worth. And so, when you see competition, then it just makes you scared that someone is taking over and is better than you and that you aren't worth anything anymore because there are so many other beautiful women to replace you.

I realized this was my problem only after acting like a crazy jealous person for such a long time.But in this last relationship which I really really want to work out, and almost losing such an amazing man several times for the insecurity and jealousy thing, I realize that my answer is that every time I start to feel that way, i do something to make my own self worth better, just for me. And I never stop living my own independent life so if he does leave me for some other woman or we break up for any reason, I still have a life, friends and self worth that goes deeper than just my looks.

It is the best advice I can give you and I have to say that although it does help, I still get crazy inside, I do believe sharing is important but just try to keep the crazy part to yourself and your friends, because he is not going to understand and in the long run, it hurts the relationship. But when he sees you feeling confident and being the girl you want to be , independent of him, believe me , he is not going to go anywhere.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

i know how you feel.

i also dont watch tv with my boyfriend anymore because i feel like i have to add up to something im not.

and watching movies with him, kills me.

knowing that theirs going to be some girl with her perfect boobs hanging out, and her skinny tight body there for him to see kills me inside.

i recently had a breast reduction, and am very paranoid abuot my scars & what not., I know it does not bother my boyfriend, but i know that he's had a problem with porn and that he loves it.

im so afraid that what i have, and what im able to offer him isnt enough.

does he really want that perfect body, blonde hair, perfect boobs and nice ass, that i feel like i dont have ??

it hurts.

i think i need councelling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

omg, I feel the same exact way...how were you able to overcome this?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008):

wow i can't believe i just read this. i thought i was the only "crazy" one out there. i'm 17, i've always been the pretty girl and i think that has a lot to do with my problem. i get jealous when my boyfriend looks at girls who i think are prettier then me...even if they aren't so attractive and they have a nice body i always think he's looking at them... i know he wouldn't cheat on me but it bothers me so much. i've talked to him about it before and it doesn't do anything. he tells me he loves me and all that good stuff we like to hear. i just always think he wants something else. like if a girl comes on TV who is in a bikini i'll flip out and get wicked mad! i've never felt the way i feel when i get mad at him looking at other girls. my whole body gets hot and i feel like i'm going into a rage lol.. i just lose all control and i tell him i hate him...i never mean the things i say when i get that jealous and that doesn't help at all. i just wish i wasn't like this. i'd love to do all the normal things couples do i just can't deal with all the sexy girls everywhere! i don't know what to do!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

Hi i have exactly the same problem!! I am so jealous and insecure, im suprised my boyfriend is sill with me. we have been together for 4 and a half years. i realy need some help but i dont know how to get it or who to turn to. it's ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. its gotten to the point were we can't even watch tv together anymore. It seems like its all i think about, its so tiring i just don't know what to do. I thought i was the only one! i actualy feel like i might be crazy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008):

I understand what you're going through. I do the same exact thing. If he so happens to look at another girl, I ask him twenty questions about it, even make suggestions like "why don't you date her?" or "do you want me to go get her number?" My reasoning why I do this may be different than yours, but before my fiancee, I dated a LOT of, to be nice, bad guys, and they hurt me and they tore me down everyday. I've never really let their words go and allowed them to form me into this insecure jealous sometimes psycho person. (it also doesn't help that my fiancee's mom hates me and tries to ruin my life everyday) but the reason is, you're looking for your boyfriend to fill those voids, whatever they may be, and the truth is, unless he is perfect, it's not gonna happen. You have to be the one to fix what's wrong. Whether you do it on your own or get professional help, it has to come from you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008):

dont worry hun i feel the same way u do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008):

hi, im 21 years old and ive been with my boyfriend/fiance for 8 years!! i also have a 4 years old son with him. i am EXTREMELY insecured! he's been putting it up for me for many years. i am very skinny and i want to get bigger which ive been trying my whole life. i have very low self-esteem. i dont think my bf understands wen i get really angry wen it comes to other girls. He actually makes me feel even worst by getting mad at me AND saying i have problems AND saying i will regret it one day! at least your bf understands you. i also need help, and dont understand why i am so insecured. he has avoided so many girls and all of his friends know i am like this. but i dont think anyone understands me! my sister on the other hand had no jealousy wat so ever! i feel like i am the only one i know that is insecured! i truly understand you and im also seeking for advice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

Im having sorta the same problem with my Girlfriend, I love the girl to death and she knows it but some how thats still not enough. We'll be watching a movie and Ill see a beautiful woman and right away I can feel her penetrating me with her evil eye, If I make a coment its even worse. Today we were walking down the street and I saw this garbage bag on the side of the road, I kicked it and she asked why? I told her that you never know what could be inside, I said "you know..Money..Naked pictures". I was joking but she took offense to what I said and told me that If ever I would come home with naked pictures I found in the street she would leave me. Jeez! do you really think I would come home with that shit? I told her.. She just looked all serious and didnt respond, That pisses me off. Once I was at a show with some friends and ran into my first girlfriend, I haden't seen her in years so I started making conversation with her I introduced her to my girlfriend and she freaked out n gave the girl the scarest look Ive ever seen and ran away and hid from me in a crowd of people. It took me at least a halfhour to calm her down and stop her from crying. Besides all these things our relationship is amazing.. so far she is the best Girl Ive ever been in a serious relationship with, I just wish she wouldnt be so insecure all the time, it makes me feel guilty that Im doing something wrong when Im realy not. Whenever these things happen I try and talk to her about it but she keeps on saying that I dont understand and that nobody can. I seriously dont know what to do anymore, I really dont want to leave her but I dont wanna have to deal with this everytime. What are us guys supposed to do? close our eyes every time we see a beautiful woman on T.V. Or evertime a girl we know walks up to us tell her to get lost cause our girlfriend is around? Thats just crazy man!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007):

Wow after reading this i would think i wrote it myself if i didn't know any better! That describes me perfectly and i don't know where to get help from. I feel like a crazy person. I didn't grow up with a father so that might have something to do with it! My boyfriend doesn't watch porn either but when the sees a pretty girl on tv i become angry and clam up. He wonders whats wrong with me but i just go in the room and cry. I know that i'm a pretty girl but for some reason it just bothers me to see him compliment a girl on tv!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007):

I know exactly how you feel. I am 23 years old, and I am also an attractive woman, but I am so incredibly insecure, and I compare myself with every single woman that I see or meet. I have been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years, we just moved in together, and we are planning on getting married in the next few years. He is such a good man, and he understands me so well. I flip out every now and then because I am so jealous and I get myself into a deep depression. I cant believe he has stayed with me so long, and has not run away yet. It doesnt help that he is very attractive, and a flight attendant, so he spends so much time with beautiful, and I think sexy, stewardesses. Plus, most of his exs have been stewardesses, so I think you get the point. It's agony for me.

I have learned that the reason we are so jealous is because of our insecurity. I had a terrible childhood, my mother made my life hell, she was jealous of me and the relationship I had with my Dad. If you know where your jealousy comes from, its easier to deal with. I have learned that instead of going crazy when Im jealous, just to tell my boyfriend that I am feeling this way, and what I saw that makes me feel so jealous. I usually write him letters, its much easier for me. The honesty and getting it off of your chest will make you feel better, and your boyfriend can help you by showing you and telling you that there is no reason to feel this way. If you bottle up your feelings, they will come out in a way that will make anyone want to stay away from you. Trust me, I have learned. Your boyfriend is with you for a reason, and he is probably just as devoted to making your relationship work like you are. I mean, 6 years is a really long time. After that much time, both people in a relationship just become so comfortable with the other person, that being with someone else is just weird. You miss eachothers little quirks and habits, its just not the same with someone else.

You can also try to pick up a new hobby or something that gets your mind off of what he is doing. When I feel really low I call my best friend or I write in my diary, and it just makes me feel so much better. Like I said, the most important thing is letting it out. I also see a therapist, which has helped quite a bit. Something else that has helped me, it might sound a little random, but I got off the birth control pill. It is proven that some women get depression and mood swings from their pill. Within 2 weeks of getting of the pill, I was able to deal with my low self esteem feelings and depression much better. Its a wonder what that little pill can do.

I hope you take some of this advice, I will be thinking of you and hope that it will all be better soon. Remember, you are unique and beautiful, he is with you for a reason, and he has stayed with you for a reason! Let him love you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

dont worry im the same way im very beautiful but i get this rage come over me when i see my boyfriend glimpse at a picture of a pretty girl...I think of it this way though I let him know how I feel about the situation and he relaly understands he feels the same way so now we both try to make each other happy by not paying attention to a naked person and focusing more on each other...and another good tip if he cheats hunni he aint worth your tears you can find a better man and the fun part about that is you can show off your sexy new fling you got to your X and make him jealous because 9 times out of 10 the man never stays with the woman hes cheating on you with.....from the 18 year old chick

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (4 January 2007):

TasteofIndia agony auntWell, sweetie, just like "Ponungalangb" I don't think that anyone here could solve your problem with a piece of advice. It sounds like your insecurity issues run a lot deeper than the common person.

I understand the pressures in society to be thin yet stacked with curves and gorgeous. Pictures are getting more and more risqué as time goes on and that can be really hard to cope with. However, you're surrounded by the media... sex sells and it's everywhere. You can't hide from it, and you certainly can't hide your boyfriend from it.

What you really need to do is talk to a professional, who might be able to talk about this much more thoroughly with you.

Remember that your boyfriend is loyal to you and loves you and wants you more than any of these plastic women on the cover of magazines.

Good luck, sweetness. Being a young woman in this society is tricky, but we can do it. Stay strong, beautiful.

xxIndia

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A male reader, Ponungalungb United States +, writes (4 January 2007):

Ponungalungb agony auntYou might need to get some therapy. I've never heard of anyone getting jealous of DVD covers before. I don't think anyone here could give you advice that will change your way of thinking.

Good luck!

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