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Why am I so jealous and insecure of my husband?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2013) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2013)
A female United States age 18-21, *lacker12 writes:

Im really insecure and jealous to me n my husband have been together for almost 2 years we have a 14 month old boy n a 1 month old girl. But when we first got together i was just playing on his phone and found so many pics of naked girl i mean alot n he told me he watched porn to way beforehe met me and from right then i started being insecure n jealous i was 4 months pregnant with my son. I made him throw away every dvd that had naked girls n it. Everyday we get into a fight cuz he looks at a girl out n public or on tv cuz the girls are young n skinny.

Im 20 n he 35 and since ive had my kids both pregnancys i got stretch marks which made me more insecure bout myself cuz im not skinny n got big boobs and a tight butt like everybody else. And i worry when he looks at other girls im not good enough for him to look at. He tells me tbat he dont look at other girls cuz he dont need to because he has me but i catch him everytime looking at a girls butt or some part of her body. And we argue and he tells me that im the only one for him that i wasnt he wouldvnt have married me. But we fight n argue cuz everytime a girl n a bikini bends over or something i say yep there u go hope u like wat u see. I mean its so bad i sleep n the room with my one of my kids and tell him if u want to look at them then i dont want u to look at me and that ur done seeing me naked. Idk wat to do he tells me i need to get help. But i think if a husband is in love with his wife he dont need to look at other girls cuz his wife is everything he needs. Idc if its natural for guys to do that guys they are guys if u really love ur wife then u dont need to look at any othe girl. N idont look at any guy cuz i dont too because my husband is everything i wan andi tell him i have respect for u to not look at guy cuz ur all i want n he dont believe me. I dont know wat to do:(

View related questions: boobs, insecure, jealous, porn, stretch marks

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 July 2013):

You married at a very young age, and became a wife and mother while you yourself are still somewhat of a child.

I know that having children changes your body; but if you always had low self-esteem, and other unresolved insecurities; they followed you into your marriage.

You never really had a chance to work on those inner-issues and quickly jumped into adulthood. Do you realize your body continues changing and growing until you are 21 to 22?

There are things on the market for stretchmarks; so buy it and let hubby rub it on your tummy. Talk to your doctor, and get a good diet plan; which will trim off the post-natal chubbies. Take morning walks with the kids. Get out and exercise, get some fresh air. Watch the pounds melt off. Limit sugar and fatty snacks. Eat fresh fruits and veggies. Teach the kids good eating habits, while they're still very young.

Now, regarding your husband.

He is a man. He has eyes, he is going to look at pretty things; which will include pretty girls. Men don't go blind and dumb, because they're married. I understand how you feel. You had two kids, and that's a lot for a young body to handle in close session; even for a woman five years older.

My dear, your problem is you took on way more than you were emotionally and psychologically ready for. Marriage is a big step, even for older folks. Your anxiety stems from a lack of understanding of men, and you look at life through the eyes of a child.

You probably had a father, who showed very little approval, didn't offer you much affection and attention; or was totally absent from your life. Be it by divorce, or he never married your mom. You feel your husband will desert you, like your father.

He does what men do. He loves you. He takes care of you and your babies. You are his family and the center of his life.

You are what he lives for. So if you become more mature, and accept what he says, you'll find inner-peace.

Is your father alive? Did you have a relationship? Did he cheat on your mother? Did she tell you horror stories of how he treated her, or did you actually witness how he treated her? These things follow us all our lives; unless we work to deal with them.

If you can't afford counseling or therapy; then you need to read about handling jealousy, abandonment issues, and being a new wife and mother. You may not have a support system in your life, or you would have gone to them to seek the answer to your question.

Reading and educating yourself on those subjects I mentioned; will give you new insight. Talking to the older women in your life with happy marriages; also gives you some reassurance, and tips that give you more self-confidence.

Security comes from within. People can only offer us positive reinforcement, but they can't stop you from feeling insecure about how you look or who you are.

Building your self-esteem is a personal project. I suggest you work on it. There are thousands of books on the subject.

Jealousy and insecurity kills relationships. I say this over and over. If you don't control it, you'll end up without a husband; and raising children on you own, or he will take them from you. Uncontrolled jealousy is a mental disorder. So get a grip, girlfriend!

Most of what you feel, you'll settle-down and over-come naturally; as time moves on. However; living in the present, you'll need to read up as I've suggested above.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (14 July 2013):

eddie85 agony auntI hate to break it to you -- but guys look at women and nothing you do can or will stop it.

Whether it is porn, dreaming about the hot secretary, or looking at a nightly newscast, guys are naturally tuned to be interested in just about anything with a vagina.

What you can do, though, is control the type of guy you are with and what he does with his impulses. Most guys, while in a committed relationship, can look at an attractive women, acknowledge or even fantasize that she is pretty, and let it go at that. From the sounds of it -- and from your post -- you have given us no information indicating he is someone who crosses those bounds.

I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you are insecure. Yes, you may have some kids, but your older man snagged a young woman nearly half his age. He has to be tickled pink and is probably the envy of his friends. He has also chosen to be married to YOU. That means something or should mean something to him. If not, you clearly are with the wrong man.

If you've put on some pounds or don't like the way you look, why not hit the gym, watch what you eat, or make the necessary changes. Keep in mind to approach this sanely and in a reasonable manner.

Finally, don't let your fears destroy your marriage. If you constantly pick fights and accuse of him cheating there is a very good chance that your fears will become a self-fulling prophecy. After all, you are basically accusing your husband of doing something he hasn't -- and we all know how it feels to be accused of something you didn't do.

You may find it helpful to see a therapist to talk about what is going on. Sometimes having a sounding board or having someone delve deeper into your fears will help expose what is really the source of your troubles.

Good luck.

Eddie

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013):

Woah woah. You're only 20, and he's 35, and you've been married for 2 years? That means he already landed a hot 18 year old when he himself was no spring chicken. Not saying 33 is old, but it certainly is too old to be looking for teenagers, legal or not.

Anyway, it seems to me like he's never satisfied. It's not like you're also in your 30s, and he's just looking at younger women. You're only 20, that should be plenty young for him! I also don't care what any guy says about this type of thing being "normal", or that they don't think the women they stare at look better than their partners. They sure as hell do, otherwise, why is the woman they look at always conveniently flawless? I have yet to find one guy to be able to answer that question. Also, hundreds of photos on his phone, plus looking at women EVERY time you go out seems excessive. That can't possibly be normal. I'm 5 years older than you, and my husband is only one year older than me, and you know what? I only see him glance at a woman maybe once a week, and we go out together all the time! He also has no photos of any girls saved on his phone or lap top as far as I know, and I think I would have found them by now if he did. We've been together since I was your age.

So what should you do? Find a guy who is more mature. I know you have kids together, but do you really want them to learn their father's bad habit? Besides, if he's this bad now, think about how bad he'll be once you're say 40? He'll be 55, and still looking at 18 year olds. If it makes you feel jealous and insecure now, think how it will make you feel in another 20 years! Don't put yourself through that. Don't waste the rest of your youth with this guy.

Yes, women have boobs and butts, big deal. Mature guys are over that. They don't feel the need to look at every woman who walks by.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013):

Will you marry me?

Don't get me wrong its just a joke.

Well We kind a think in a similar way, I do believe that once a man or woman commits to a relationship, they should be satisfied for having that person in their life. Like no more looking or fantasizing about other women.

Because to me, I can't afford to be number 2, number 3 or even number 1. I want to have a sole monopoly of the market. meaning the relationship.

I wanna be the only ONE. Otherwise, were through.

However I sincerely find it ridiculous for any women to get paranoid or jealous about a porn movie star.

Because most likely he will not meet them in person.

Unless, his prince William and he can book Hollywood's most sexiest star to spend the night with him. You know what I mean?

My advice is for you to get over your insecurities.

I know you mean well, and only acting this way because you love your husband, but your just not seeing the main problem you have.

Its more of your own insecurities. You gave birth, you have stretch mark and your stress. I can just imagine why you feel this way. Stress will make us ugly and feel bad.

How to get over your insecurities?

1. Start caring about yourself

2. Stop focusing on your husband bad habit. unless his really womanizing.

3. Think about things that you want to achieve.

4. Make it Happen.

5. You have big boobs, that's very attractive.

That's your main asset.

6. Stop agonizing, Making yourself feel your not good enough or you can't compete with others.

He married you. So, the reason why he married you because to him you are a prized. If you don't think that way well at least you should believe in yourself.

After all, we should love our own, otherwise who will?

You can do it Girl. Good luck.

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