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Why am I putting up with bad treatment from my ex?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 June 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2014)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi and thanks,

I've known my ex for about 8 yrs. We were on and off about 4 years. I had broken up the first time around because he was cheating with several women and was on a dating site, plus admitted to having feelings for an ex. We managed to stay friends. We began dating and got into another relationship. We communicated alot and for the most part got along well although he does have a temper and I can very easily get him angry at me and it would take weeks for him to be normal to me again.

I started trying to please him by not saying things that would get him mad at me, that lead to a communcation break down. As all this is going on he was in alot of contact with an ex. Seeing her going to her house and playing sports. They share two adult sons and I said to him I felt this contact was too much. This is the same woman he admitted to having feelings for the first time around so yes it bothered me. I needed him to make me feel desired and he was to a point but not completely. His response to my feeling this way was,"its not my problem we've remained friends after our breakup". I thought that was a cold answer and I backed off.

During this time he wanted me gpsed because he had trust issues and I ensured him I was faithful. Against my better judgement I allowed it. I finally turned it off after a couple of months and of course he said I turned it off because I'm hiding things. I explained I wasn't and its not his business if I go to the store or wherever.

Then in December 2012 an ex contacted me. I was abit taken back because I wasn't expecting to hear from him. My then bf flipped accused me of being unfaithful over and over again. Name calling, yelling, anger and just plain rudeness. My then bf broke up with me.

We stayed in touch and yes I kept in contact wih my ex too. My ex was telling me I'm beautiful and special while the other guys telling me I'm no good, a tramp, a liar. I eventually met up with my ex on four occasions things happened. I finally admitted to the other guy yes when you broke up things happened because I felt so bad about how he treated me. Of course he flipped called me more names. Now were talking and seeing eachother again. But he says he doesn't really know if he wants me back because apparently I'm the bad one here. Why am I putting up with this from him?

View related questions: broke up, liar, my ex

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (13 June 2014):

llifton agony auntHello.

This man is not a nice guy. No nice guy talks to other people that way. He's abusive. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. He doesn't care about your feelings, as when you express them, he blows them off completely and tells you it's your problem. Then proceeds to blow up on you for doing the same exact thing he does all the time. Then puts a GPS in your car??? Wow. Just wow. You aren't a prisoner or on house arrest where your whereabouts need to be tracked. You are in a relationship. Excuse my language, but that's BULLSHIT. And when you finally turn it off, he goes ballistic.

He needs to seriously get his anger in check. You shouldn't have to be walking around on eggshells trying to avoid him blowing up on you. He's the one with the problem, so he needs to be the one to fix it. Yelling and name calling is something children do when they throw tantrums. Adults don't behave that way, even when they don't like something. Adults know how to handle their anger. And adults communicate. There's never an excuse for yelling and name calling. Ever.

I think you would be doing yourself a great service to get away from this unhealthy man. GPS, yelling, and name calling .. it's all extremely unhealthy. Why go back to that time and time again? You deserve better and you know that. You deserve someone who doesn't belittle your feelings, but actually acknowledges them and respects them. And someone who would never dream of trying to track down your every move with a GPS. That's just creepy as hell. Period. Get away from him and relax and regain your sense of self. Then get back on the market and find a wonderful guy who knows how to treat you well. Not treat you like a felon.

Take care.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (13 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYOu "sound" like a magnet for jerks. Two-for-two, as I read it....

Any chance you can be convinced to put these guys in your rear-view-mirror-of-life? .... and get on with a more-normal life????

Good luck.....

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 June 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntHave you ever heard the term "a glutton for punishment"? Some people have a fetish for being put down and belittled. You could be one of them. If so, men with tendancy for cruelty will take advantage and be even more cruel. If I were in your shoes, I'd look to save my backside and flee from any mistreatment then seek professional help to find out why you're attracted to idiots like that in the first place. Good Luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014):

This is not a healthy relationship. Even though he is responsible for a lot that has gone on in the past if you stay with him and he 'forgives' you he is always going to refer to your past and never let you forget it. He will enjoy having this hold over you. it does not appear to be a kind, loving and mutually respectful relationship and I think you would be better off without him. There is no need to fratenise with an ex when the children are grown up. There is no need to have any kind of relationship with the person because they were an ex and the contact should only have been about the kids. He had feelings for her hence turning up at the house and playing sport etc - all the kind of behaviour you exhibit when you want more. I would have been as mad as hell over this and acted just like you. My husband has 3 ex partners with kids and he says he is friends with them all. I don't like it and see no need for it at all. This has caused no end of rows between us so I know where you are coming from. Personally this relationship seems to me to be destructive and a vicious cycle of recrimination and I think you would be better off out of it.

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