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anonymous
writes: I have recently got married for the second time. We both have children, but my husband's are grown up. Except for his 18yr old daughter whom he is still very close with.I find it difficult to accept their close relationship as sometimes it has infringed on our relationship causing friction between us. Because of this they see each other behind my back, go out for the occasional drink and meal together. I feel very jealous about this and I can't help but feel it is all wrong, like they're having some kind of affair. I know it sounds irrational, but I feel so jealous. Even though he knows how I feel, he still sees her like this. Am I wrong to feel like this and how can I come to terms with their relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Im going through the same. My husband pays more attention to his 21 year old daughters needs and crys then he does mine. He treats me like a child and treats his daughter as an equal. I dont know what to do...My husband says Im jealous of there relationship..and hides things from me all the time when it comes to her..I wonder too if there is an affair going on..please reply to me..Im glad I found somebody to talk to about this serious situation.
nivy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): I believe this is a more complicated and universal problem than adequately discussed RATIONALLY here. Yes, some men have married very needy and immature women who see "children from other relationships" or their own children as competition. I think some of these children "play on Dad's guilt" at the breakup of their parents marriage and manipulate the situation once they can, usually when another woman enters the picture permanant like.
Most importantly, I have seen and know of many men who capitalize on the jealousy...as discussed.......to feed their own egos and play this "child" off the wife as an implied threat to their wives to behave, as "you are easily replaced".
Men frequently use this jealousy as they fan the flames of such to DELIBERATELY shift "power" to their own advante to have their EGO needs met.
Some of the situations discussed here are CLEARLY not "just a fathers love for his child". I think men defend this blurred boundry, to their advantage also. At any rate if there is not a "healthy" balance between "parenting" vs WOOING a child or ANY adult is using a child (of any age) for the suspicious purposes of any of the above, it is time for the married couple to seek a counselor to straighten out the "blur" of boundries heirachy and to help them redefine acceptible maritial vs parenting boundries (for the marriage and the childs role in relation to that) pdq.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): My husband had 2 grown daughters (18/24)from his previous marriage and 3 children (infant/2/6)with me, and I can't stand how they treat him and how he responds. The don't pick up the phone when he calls, they never send him a card or call him on birhdays, father's day etc... yet when they want something (material which generally costs some serious $$$) he doesn't think twice about buying it for them. Then they NEVER call to say thankyou. It drives me crazy. We are just keeping our heads above water (he pays his ex 30,000 in support). I am just so frustrated and jealouse...
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female
reader, sexyana  +, writes (5 August 2008):
you sound just like me. I have young children,and my husband has a 20 year old very sexy daughter who tries to be his 'wife' ,every time we all go somewhere together.they walk arm in arm together ,all close, looking like a honeymooning couple way ahead of me while I'm straggling behind with my kids,trying to keep up.Then,every chance she gets,she will hop onto his lap and snuggle close to him while he runs her back.they do this in restaurants ,at family gatherings,or any public place and people do stare at them as she is voluptuous and dresses so skimpy.it makes me want to throw up. And I complained about it so much that he just decided he would take her out to dinner without me ,twice a week.no amount of complaining from me stopped him.this went on for several months so I just decided that I would use this time to give xtra attention to my own children,so I dressed up pretty and took my own kids out to eat twice a week.after two weeks of me doing this I told my husband about all the men who would smile and wave at me on our outings.that did the trick.he hasn't took her out since! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Wow, this site is perfect for what I have been experiencing. My fiance has a 5 year old daughter from previous relationship. When I met him he had full custody as mother had given up all rights due to other issues. Later, nasty accusation was made against him which took child from him (at 3 years old) and placed her in foster care, then with the mother. Now he is in her life again, legal drama is ending (no basis found for separation) and, understandably, he is desperate to spend as much time w/daughter as possible.
I view him as a great dad, admired that very much when we met. But I do feel great jealousy at times. She recently came to spend a few days (first time in 2 years) and I was very affected. It was obvious and unpleasant. He was upset with me, I was just plain upset having to sleep alone, (she stayed w/him) etc. I realize it may be due to long hidden feelings of abandonment by my dad. No longer mad at him (my dad) but I realize I do have this issue and it has embarrassed me terribly to have been so ruled by my emotions. I have no children of my own and another part of my issue is that I deeply want my own kids, want to be married, etc. But my fiance has told me that the pressure I put on him about this (my feeling left out when he spends time or does nice things for her) is "killing our relationship. Not a good thing to hear.
I am happy to at least be aware of my insecurity and wish to resolve it quickly so we can all enjoy a healthy, happy relationship. I believe he may ultimately end up w/full custody again b/c mom is kind of a flake. Any suggestions? -Beach Peach
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): It is perfectly natural to feel jealous. That doesn't mean that you should continue to be miserable in your relationship though. Remind yourself that it's great that your mate is close to his child. And yes, your mate's children may compete with you for resources (his attention, money, affection, etc.) but you have to figure out how to share or there will never be happiness for anyone.
It couldn't hurt to examine more closely the reasons for your jealousy. Are you expecting your mate to fill some emotional need for you that you really should be filling for yourself? What exactly are your needs in this relationship? Are the being met or not? Start with yourself first. Then address what behaviors your mate's daughter may be exhibiting that interferes with your relationship with her father. Is she manipulative? Why? What are her needs? Talk to her to find out if possible. Then work with her and your mate to figure out some happy medium that works (at least in part) for everyone. Set some boundaries (for example the person who wrote about her mate taking baths with his 9-year old daughter -- that seems like a boundary that should be set up and not crossed). Talk to your mate about having uninterrupted time for the 2 of you (he can do the same for time with his daughter). Then try to plan some things you all can do together.
If you still can't stand the daughter, then maybe this relationship is not for you. Maybe you need a mate that can better handle sharing himself with his mate and his child. After all, you can't ask a parent to choose you over their flesh-and-blood child. Or at least you shouldn't have to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I am in the same position. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and he has two grandchildren. His first wife lives next door to them. Every time she whats pity my husband runs to her, and than his daughter turns around and dumps him when she gets what she wants. I try to tell him that she uses him, but flares back to me and tells me THAT SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND BACK OFF...She has ruined planned vacations and sometimes throws cheap shot remarks to me. The worst part my husband tells me never to get into it with her and never to upset her and I can't put up with that so the only thing I can do is butt out. I feel like the second fiddle. This daughter is turning 40 years old. So I say to myself she is very immature and a brat at that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I am engaged and we love each other deeply, but cant live together or even think about marriage because his daughter is still at home. It isnt that he is overly attached, she drives him mad, its just that I cant imagine sharing a home with her, she is too much like hard work. I dont agree that its the daughter that would be chosen every time. He would move out if i wanted, but im holding it together for her if only she knew it, because she couldnt cope on her own. She is 18 too. So our lives are on hold for her. We are both 54.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Most women can't see the problem. Why do us men treat our daughters so well. We love our daughters and we love our wives. The diffence is this -- our daughters love us and show affection without condition. They are our children and we adore them. If a new wife of a man who has children, wants to be happpy in her marriage she must accept this. The alternative is a ceaseless tug of war, the man in the middle. End result.......... his daughter every time!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I can really feel the collective pain here - because I've been through so much of it myself, or variations of it. I have realized all along that I was very lucky with my husband, because he was able to align himself with me very early in our dating, and then on into our marriage. I would not have married him if he stayed overly attached to his 30-year-old daughter, so it was not all luck. It was my decision based on observation.But that has not prevented her from doing her best to make her father's life miserable. The relationship she maintained with her father before I met him was highly manipulative, and it seems that when we met and he experienced an open and safe relationship, he pulled away from the relationship she created with him.So yes, I'm lucky, but it has not prevented her from punishing him, over and over and over. Any time he asks healthy behavior of her, she shuns him for 2 to 5 months. It has brought chronic upset to out lives. We are currently in the 5th shunning in two years. But as some of you will understand, I am very aware of how lucky we are to experience shunning instead of multiple calls a day. She does live out of state. She's a new surgeon. She has a gorgeous, new home and a new boyfriend. We had hoped the new boyfriend part would help, but the shunning goes on.We are now at a point that we can only help ourselves. There's nothing you can do for a person who holds themselves away from you. She is an adult with her own life. So we are starting the process of distancing from her to relieve ourselves of the pain she incurs. I spent 3 years emailing her, newsy communications, supportive letters when she was studying for various licensure, etc., but nothing ever helped. There's a total and permanent wall there. I am the enemy and her dad is the one she punishes.I suspect many fathers of daughters like this do not have the courage to go through the pain the jealous daughter's threats of abandonment if they stand up to their daughter's jealous treatment. But I will tell you that no matter what the father does, the jealous daughter will punish and remain rageful, so he may as well do the right thing - no permit it, because if he does, for sure she will do this to an important man in her future. We are now at a point where we have to not see my husband's daughter, because everytime is filled with upset and malicious treatment. The most recent event was going to have lunch with her after licensure exams and she spent the majority of the lunch on her cell phone with someone else, in front of us. When confronted, she acted oh so innocent and cried - this from a surgeon who's now 33. Every time, it takes us over a month to recover. No amount of loving effort on our part is helping in any way. How did this all happen? It was the mother. She was mentally ill and had quite a mean twist to her. She role-modeled unkindness to the father. She was unable to teach being healthy in a relationship. Leaning on the dad was not balanced or healthy because of this. Everyone in the family was in a twisted survival mode. We are left with the legacy, even me. If a father is over-attached to a daughter, something was wrong in the marriage to allow that to happen. If a woman sees this continue when she is dating a man and she goes on and marries the man, she has taken the wrong chance. It is not going to end.My situation was different, but it has not meant we have not gone on to be targets of the damaged child. It's amazing to watch an adult child be stable enough to be a success in a profession, but be so damaged in functioning in an intimate relationship, but it happens.It is very hard to not be sucked into the siren song of the jealous child. It's normal to think that if you love them enough, they will get better. This just isn't true. As adults, it becomes their job to find a different path of healing than manipulate a parent. When a parent allows the jealous child to continue the behavior, it just keeps them stuck in their pain and does them no favor.My husband has sought counseling. It's helped him to have someone tell him he's doing fine in extricating himself from the troubled relationship of a jealous child. We can only do so much. Think of yourself. If you are older, do you expect your parent to "fix" you? We know that as adults that we need to get on with our lives. As parents, we need to do the same with our own kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): look for ways to build relationship with your husband's 18yr old daughter. invite her for a meal. do this so that you can understand her needs, she may need someone who she can trust or be there for.this may distract you from being jealous. if this does not work, ask your husband to take you out at least every month, that you want love and attention. discuss exactly how you are feeling, that you want him to be close to you and not hide meal times with his daughter. learn to accept your husband's relationship with the daughter, be in control of your emotions, look for the positive. if you have children use that time to pay attention and care for them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): For the past three years my realtionship has not been with my fiancee, rather I feel it has been with him and his 32 year old lesbian daughter. She lives in the Northeast for the past two years, the fact that she moved away does not mean she is not in our lives. They call each other every day sometimes I have counted ten to twelve times as day.
He confides in her every last detail about his life / our life and our problems. He constantly criticizes me, and she tells him what to do. I have always beem kind and nice to her, and she prestended to love me and be my friend.
I feel it was all to get infromation from me and share with him, and distort it for her own purpose. She bad mouths her brothers and asks him not to confront them, which makes him hate them and she is always the victim. She went as far as to say her older brother raped her, but we could not say a thing, I do not belive her, I feel she does this to have control of her father. Recently we drove to Orlando because she was spending two days there with her partner, the day before she told me that her brother had bad mouther me, and said that he spoke of the other women in his fathers life just to spite me, then she expected me to ride in the car four hours to Orlando without being able to say anything.
I told my fiancee he had to stop her, and that he had to tell her that if she came with a story he would call on the others and say whatever she said. When we saw her for breakfast she started to bad mouth her brothers again, and then started to cry in the table again being the victim.
My fiancee reacts to her every whim, she used to be hooked on drugs, is a lesbian, and now she is going to school, so he feels proud that she has turned her life around.
She tells her father her brother smokes pot and I caught her, her partner and her brother all snmoking and I told her father but she and her lesbian partner denied it.
We broke up because I confronted her, I told her that being in a relationship with her father I had to be invisible because all we did was speak about them!
I have read the stories here, and the answers that men wrote. It has nothing about to do about being jealous but a daughter/father relationhip should be loving and close, but there is also sort of thing as sick...when a father is an absentee father to a daughter and she grows up she will try to lure him in any way she can, even as a woman.
A daugher cannot be the woman in a man's life his wife, girlfriend, fiancee has to be made feel that way, and if he does not put things where they belong, he needs help.
If he is to blind to see, then he needs to marryhis daughter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Excuse me but this girl is his child and like it or not you got no right to stop a father from seeing his own daughter she was in his life way before you and you knew full well he had a daughter before you married him so you can't start moaning about it.And just because she's 18 doesn't mean he has to cut her out of his life either you learn to except it or leave him.
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female
reader, shiloh +, writes (11 October 2007):
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!! I am in my 20s and am engaged to a man who has a daughter that is 4 years older than I am. She has had everything I never had growing up, is a successful
lawyer (first year), wealthy, multi-lingual, independent due to having a share in her father's company, and has all of my fiance's adoration, respect, and unconditional love.
I am used to being the only one in his life and have centered my entire world around him, so it is extremely hard for me to accept that he loves another woman more than he loves me. He treats her much more sweetly than he treats me, and if I were to leave his life he would move on (as the wife role is replaceable) yet she will remain in his life forever.
You may be asking why I center my entire universe around him- well because he requires it. He needs me to be here all of time, otherwise he goes over the deep end (he is a manic depressive,)but I don't mind that because I love him and cherish our time together. I guess that is another thing to add to my list of envy- She is so much more free than I am. She has her own place in an expensive side of town, is single, and does whatever her heart desires and she still has him. No matter what she does, she will always be his angel, and I guess I wish I could be his angel that he loved unconditionally...
She can do no wrong as far as he is concerned, and he is always saying, "my daughter says this, my daughter likes that," as if to imply that her thoughts or views should be taken as scripture. This annoys me because he constantly questions my views and acts uninterested in what I have to say on issues that are important to me. I have not yet finished college and will never be a lawyer, and I feel as though he compares us, I know I compare us.
I guess the things that get to me the most is that she has everything in the world I have ever dreamed of having: healthy childhood, travel, the opportunity to study abroad with all expenses paid (and then some), financial independence, unconditional love and support from her parents, etc.
I feel so guilty and small that I am so jealous of her. I actually have wished ill on her as a way to comfort myself, but that only seems to make it worse.
I have never met her as she lives in DC and we live in Houston. I dont think I want to meet her because I am afraid of being judged. I think she will judge me for dating a man that is so much older tha even though I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and am the only thing that keeps him happy.
I know she is better than I am in terms of education (as she has been able to afford the best college education the world has to offer, went to private schools her entire life, not to mention law school in California and more graduate studies in Europe). She is more worldy and much more confident than I am. She is an intelligent young professional with a heavy belt of accomplishments and everyone is proud of her. She is so *free* to do as she wishes and never have to worry about money or security.
I on the other hand got my GED, am going to an average university, am not financially independent, come from a broken lower-middle class family, never met my dad (so have never received the same kind of love that she has an abundance of), and am obsessed with a woman that I have never met. I am sure that she has never had these thoughts about anyone because she has everything a girl could ever ask for out of life.
I have never felt this way about anyone my whole life. I never knew it was possible to feel this horribly jealous and torn apart over another human being...
I feel trapped by this anguish and it is ripping me apart. I want it to stop, but I can't stop comparing myself to her even though she has had more than a head start on me.
I feel so inadequate, and she is the only person I have ever contemplated that has had this effect on me. How do I make it go away? How can I find inner peace again away from this turmoil?
This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever faced emotionally, and that is saying a lot. I have been through so much in my life but I have always managed to find a way to cope, but I keep running in to dead ends on this damn jealousy issue with my fiance's daughter. Any suggestions????????? Ugh.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): When father and daughter act like husband and wife, there's a lot of relationships around them that are going to suffer. It's not about WHO comes first...as parents, grandparents, and still children ourselves with parents who needs us...WHO comes first is likely to be the one needs you the most that second! As for who's feelings come first, they should be the feelings of the one you sleep with, the one you're partnered with, as that's the relationship that's the most intimate (or should be). It's not that hard to put your sweetheart's feelings first...and it's more likely they'll understand when others around you are needy to the point that it takes time from the couple. Another measure is that when two souls are very close, say they call two or three times a day and eat together several times a week...it doesn't matter whether they're parent and child or friends or what, that relationship is going to loom large and indeed impact the others around them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): To all the women here:
If you want to be miserable keep trying to enslave your husbands. Your husband would never try to keep you from spending time with your children. If you want to take your marriage to a whole new level, then embrace his children regardless of age and encourage him to spend more time with them. The best way you can get the positive attention from him that you want is to keep the time you are together positive. A man should never have to choose between his wife and his children.
Take it from someone who knows. My wife has the same problems. I love her dearly, but nothing destroys our happiness faster than when she starts standing between me and my children. I have almost walked out on our marriage because of this. If you embrace his children then you will find that he will start inviting you to many of the activities he has with his children. Right now, why would he want to include you when you are so hostile towards his kids? Instead he is doing the right thing by not including you. He is protecting his children from you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): I have two daughters from my wife's first marriage. I came into the picture when the girls were young and we are exceptionally close. The girls are 14 and 11 and both at ages where a girl's relationship with her father is pinnacle if she is going to grow into a strong and confident young woman. Bottomline, my wife admittedly gets a little jealous sometimes, but she is thrilled that her girls have a man in their lives who is completely devoted to them and their well being. A little jealousy is certainly natural, but any attempt to come between your husband and his daughter would be despicable. You should be thrilled that he his close to his daughter, I don't care who's kid she is or isn't. You obviously don't care much about him if you would have things any different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): It is surprisingly nice to know that other women are feeling how I feel, my partner's daughter is 9 and he gives her affection and love that he doesn't give me. In fact I get no affection from him. He says I am demanding and jealous. He actually admits to not remembering when he last kissed me or hugged me, he just doesn't do it, so when on alternate weekends and holidays his daughter visits and they go and shut themselves away in her room, or go and shower or bath together I feel jealous and hurt. She even once asked me to move out of my bed so she could sleep with her daddy! I have tried very hard to be nice to her, buy her books to read, do her hair, my 15 year old daughter does the same, but she rarely wants anything to do with us. She will use my make up without asking and has been known to steal things from my daughter. I have tried to tell him that his behaviour is hurtful but he just keeps saying I shouldn't be jealous of a fathers love for his daughter. He now will not go on a summer holiday with my children and I, saying we always fall out because of his behaviour with his daughter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): I understand how you feel...However the problem I have is my boyfriend spending more time with his one year old neice, rather than with me and his baby. Iam only 17 and my boyfriend and I have just had our first child.
His neice is a lovely wee girl and i love her to bits but i cant help feel jelous of his very close relationship with her, only because he ahs his own baby girl at home.
I cry alot about it but he doesnt know because i dont want him to think iam being stupid or selfish. Its just I wouldnt like him to forget about his newborn baby and his girlfriend. We've been together for 3 years now and we are very supported family wise...I just want more of his support...not for myself, but for our baby girl =.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): There is some good news and bad news for you. The good news, I guess, is that you're not alone. In fact, you're typical of a second wife wanting to divorce her new husband from everything that isn't "all about me!"
The bad news is that you're greedy, selfish, and incredibly self-centered. You're probably the same woman who says, "My kids are my life!" I'm sure you threw them right overboard when you got married, right? Of course not. You crawled into another woman's nest and now you want to push all the other eggs out.
Here's your solution: Grow up. You will never own your husband. You have to share him with his job, his friends, and his family. Shame on you for trying to train him to be disloyal. Try being as unconditionally loving as his daughter is and hope he isn't already sick of your petty jealousy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): i understand how you feel. you want him to your self and you feel insecure and jealous is this perhaps because they go alone and you'd prefer it if they tok you along. im completely on your side and understand your concern. but you must think logically it is very silly of you to think that they are having some kind of affair i mean how would you feel if someone implied that about you and your dad i bet youd feel sick! i know i would. my parnter has a daughter and i hate it when they kiss and cuddle it makes me sick cuz i want to be the only one in his life who recieves that kind of attention. i guess i most certainly wouldnyt feel that way if it was my daughter getting the affection id be happy about it. its because shes not mine shes his and his exes. he rarely shows her affection in front of me i think he does the minuite i leave the room!!! i cant wait for her to grow up to be honest!! fathe rdaughter relationships are weird but you must not compare the two loves they are totally different! hes in love with you he loves her xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2005): Finally Ive found a place where someome might understand my feelings. Ill try to make this short. Hubs & I adopted our "troubled" niece when she was 11.Problem child from day one but determined to give her a stable home.We had a great marriage until a few yrs into our new family life.We fought all the time, mostly about her getting her way from him.(We were close to a divorce 2 yrs ago but decided we still loved each other and didnt want that.) He was an absent tee father for most of the time my other 3 kids were small becasue he is a workaholic, but started spending more time with her. I thought he just seen how important it is and he messed up with the others and he wanted to make it up with this one.After living thru, drugs, booze, multiple sex partners,getting kicked out of schools, lying, stealing,cutting herself, dr's,shrinks,etc (you get the point)I kicked her out 2 weeks after her 18th bday for sneeking a guy in her room, drinking and telling me to f*** off for the last time and wer'e NOT her parents.Now here it is 10 months later and I found out he has been talking to her on the phone lately.He hid it at first but I found out from my other kids and he fessed up saying he wanted for me and her to make up.We didnt fight once sense she left but every time her name is mentioned were at it again. He acts like shes a long lost daughter and nothing is wrong.She called me and said she was sorry, I talked to her and things were "cool" I told hubs dont think Im just going to open my arms and welcome her back into my life..just take it one step at a time. But noooooo. he says SHES pregnant and SHE needs us, SHE dont have anybody to talk to that cares.(shes living with a bf and they want to keep the child)Now he says he wants to send her money for xmas, which really made me mad.I tried to comprimise and agreed to do it, and even send her baby stuff, but then when i asked for her # he gave me the run around, he acts like hes hiding something. Ive lost ALL trust in him.I cry all the time, im depressed and on medication again.I feel so much resentment and jelousy for this child that has come between me and my husband.Our 24th anniversary is coming up and Im not sure if were going to make it.I know im probably wrong but I cant help it, the hell i lived thru is still fresh in my mind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): i have a similar problem.His daughter rules his life she is sneeky greedy and selfish and does her best to split us up constantly.She has a 4 year old daughter and she uses her as a weapon too. She makes constant arrangements so that he will spend less time with me.I really cant stand her she is a scheming bitch.I love him so much and this is destroying our relationship. There is a lot to worry about i dont agree about asking her to dinner i certainly dont even want to sit at the same table as her ever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): I know exactly how you feel. My new husband has a gorgeous nineteen year old daughter and my feelings about it are really out of control -- surprising for me since I am not a jealous person. Usually anyway.
The best I can figure is that this is an area of my husband's life that I can't control or manage. This relationship he has with her could cause him to see me in a different way, compare me to her, wish I were younger, long for a type of leadership role in our relationship that I don't want and can't agree to -- she has a lot of power over him, is beautiful, dependent on him financially to some extent, and when she asks for something from him, she gets it.
Of course, this is the relationship I want with him. I want the power over him that *she* has, I want to be young and beautiful and not somewhat good looking and forty, unconditionally loved by him and unconditionally deserving of his financial largesse. So we are competing -- we are natural enemies.
On the other hand, that's not his fault. Who she is to him and what she needs from him are not things that are negotiable so it's really *my* problem to get through.
First, the fear: That somehow his relationship with her is deeper than ours and is therefore something he values over me. That somehow his interaction with her will cause the relationship to break.
What to do about that is to become more self-sufficient emotionally. If his daughter's relationship is deeper than the one I have with him, and I have less power than she does then I have to use my own power to take care of myself and find joy in my own life. Then I am less dependent on the relationship for my views my own self worth and less threatened by all the young and beautiful women in the world, not just his daughter.
I used to feel singularly unthreatened by other women. This relationship has opened up a whole wound about worth that I didn't know I even had. I have put my mind around something like: I would like to be as *free* as his daughter and still keep his love. I have thought -- maybe the problem is, I really don't even want to be married -- I want to be nineteen and driving around in a car with my life ahead of me. I want that, and what I have is cereal bowls, laundry and popcorn on the couch with Blockbuster while she goes out on dates with my boyfriend.
So what's in it that can fix it?
1. Maybe the relationship is wrong. Maybe we didn't really want to get married but it seemed the proper and secure thing to do, when we were really longing to explore ourselves a little longer, maybe forever.
2. Maybe it's us. Maybe we're wallowing in an abandonment wound from childhood that makes us fear the loss of love to the extent that we instinctively need to obliterate all potential threats.
3. Maybe the daugher is playing a little bit and testing the new relationship she has with her dad. She is no longer an extension of her mother to him, she is singularly his child. She may have always felt he was her "first boyfriend" or the "first man she ever loved" and she wants to elbow her way into a position to receive his adoration when she needs it. You know, Mom is his wife, but to her...SHE is the one he really loves, dotes on, adores. To Mom, this is good. She can see the advantages. She congratulates Dad on being a good father -- doing things for Daughter really translate into doing things for Mom. With a new wife this translation is gone. Doing things for Daughter means he is doing something that is *not* for *you*. That makes her a competitor for your attention. She knows it, and you do too. However she is younger than you, you can define what's going on and try to use your wisdom to adjust and understand and react maturely.
In my personal situation, I think the problem really is that I am not happy in this marriage. It seems that if I really were, the daughter wouldn't bother me. But something about our relationship, between my husband and I, is not right enough for me to not feel threatened. I never felt this way with my first husband. He could have had seventeen daughters and I wouldn't have felt threatened.
Seems the real answer is that something is wrong either with us, or with him, or with the relationship. If the relationship were fully satisfying and trustworthy on all levels -- then she could move in and sleep in bed with us and it wouldn't bother me.
c
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reader, Wendyg  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 I think you should find the time to get to know her. Your husband had a grown up daughter and its only natural that he will want to spend time with her. He married you because he loves you. He lives with you... the least you can do is accept that he has a daughter who loves her dad, you cant come between them, love for a child is so different. the friction you mention, is that his daughter, probably isnt ready for another mum type thing, she may see you as a threat in taking her dad away from her. Be involved with both of them, let them know that you are caring sharing person, and that you would love to spend time together getting to know his daughter.. the longer you say to yourself she is the enemy it will only get harder,... Accept he has a daughter, make friends and that way it wont be done behind your back, hes only doing that as he knows it upsets you... he cant choose between the two of you and he shouldnt have to... You just need to get used to each other... take it a step at a time and accept that shes always going to be there as he is her dad. The good thing that you do have for you is that you dont live with her... at least the two of you are together at home alone with a younger daughter needing constant attention.. shes a grown woman that still loves her dad and he her... its only natural... make the first step in inviting her for dinner and showing her that you would love to get to know her and that you are with her dad and accept that he loves the both of you. The less stress you give him about it the better, he doesnt want to feel awful everytime he sees his daughter, show that you can support him and things will be alot better for you.
Take care
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reader, DearJulie +, writes (21 June 2005):
You are not wrong for feeling jealous, however you are not right. Jealously stems from feeling inadequate to a competitor and a lack of control over a situation. You may be feeling this way because you want your husband to spend that kind of quality time with you. If that is the case instead of trying to control your husband's relationship with his daughter ask him if the two of you can spend sometype of quality time together. You cannot control your husband. You must embrace this relationship and relize how fortunate his daughter is that they are so close. A girls father is very important in life. Ask if you can join them on their outings. Plan things together and try to get to know his daughter. Jealousy is a normal feeling, but it is negative, and it will only create more negative situations. Embrace their relationship by getting involved, and when you feel jealous replace it with love.
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reader, cordy14 +, writes (21 June 2005):
it is understandable to feel insecure about your partner spending time with another woman but this is his child. You should consider yourself extremely lucky to have found a man who is caring enough to want to spend time with his children.I think that your main problem isn't jealously I believe you feel excluded from their relationship. Why don't you invite her to your home for dinner or why don't you go out with them ocassionally and then you will see that there is nothing to worry you.
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