A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[Mod note: two questions combined from same poster.]Should I date men that I don’t find physically attractive? I come from an arranged marriage - my parents both were set up by their parents and their still married - although not happy..I appreciate nice men and I don’t know what it is about me but I guess I have a particular state- I go out a lot I work in a bar and I come across a lot of men - 9/10 I will not find them attractive (I am 100 percent straight) I have tried dating sites etc and here is my patternI don’t find a lot of men attractive - the ones I find physically attractive out of the blue are either taken or I have been in a relationship with and they have been negligent and careless - I stay because it’s hard to find someone else after waiting so longShould I go out with men that I am not physically attractive - I don’t want to end up alone - the ones I find attractive are rare and usually their personality is horrible but I’m mesmerized by their looks so I end up settling on everything else Any insight?Why am I attracted to men like my father? My father was a physically absuvie man to my mother and sometimes to me but my mother got the most of it - I never really dealt with his abusive but I have dealt with his verbal abuse and his negligence. Although he always provided for me I never had a relationship with him - I have always disrespected and disregarded him and I never really respect him . He always gossips and is always making rude comments about other people . Long story short I dotn pretty much care for this man.I have noticed I find someone at work very attractive - I have noticed that he gossips a lot about other people and his ex - wife - always rude things and he always wants to involve himself with drama - my past bf never hit me but he was negligentWhat is happening? I excuse these men but never my father - I don’t want to end up with men like this how can I break the cycle? Once I find them attractive I just excuse everything ! How do I stop ?I have gotten over what my father did in fact I don’t care for him or the past but I can’t seem to find a man that is not like him!
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 April 2018):
 I look at it this way (and I HAD issues with my father too), the reason why you're ending up with guys like your father is because as you said; the dating pool is looking shallow since you keep finding men who are taken and such and the ones that you do give a chance, turn out to be horrible. There's something wrong with your judgment mainly due to the fact that somewhere within you; the issue is still unresolved. For this, I suggest that you seek professional help and guidance. Not necessarily closure, but help. Face those demons and fight them head on or you'll be buried alive.
The thing is, you seem to have a fear of being alone and that's why you give these men chances and excuse the same behaviour that you couldn't excuse in your father. Look at it this way, being alone doesn't mean that you have to be lonely. Keep that in your mind when filling up your time with terrible excuses for men. They DON'T deserve your grace. Don't give out infinite grace, you shouldn't have to. If something isn't working, let it go and embrace being alone for while. Often times it's when we aren't actively looking for romance, that it happens. Ease up and have fun with dating. Don't go into every situation with marriage as an end goal or you WILL continue to give guys that aren't worthy, a shot in the hopes of securing a future.
Don't turn dating into a chore or a work contract that needs landing or a case that needs to be closed. Enjoy the process.
Oh and also; as soon as you notice the ways in which a guy resembles your father: RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! A brisk walk won't even do. RUN! SPRINT if you have to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): My dad was the same as your dad. I feel the same about him as you do your dad and the men who were all like my dad that I have known. I know no different because there is no different. Men ARE all the same.
Are there really any good men? Even Jesus said: "Why do you call me good? There is only one that is good and that One is God".
I'm not willing to find out anymore and so I manned up myself because I'd outman any man. I won't lie to me, gossip, cheat, bully - no way - I Love too much to do that to myself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): There's a law of averages. You can meet and date only so many men, and only so many are going to be total losers.
You've got to hit a winner, if only by pure chance!
Nobody bats zero every-time; unless they purposely seek signs of a loser-gene before agreeing to date him.
You want looks with definite personality-flaws. You crave drama and dysfunction. You wouldn't know how to deal with anything different. So appearance and sex-appeal seem high on your list. Weak-character makes you feel more comfortable with him, and yourself.
Seems you never lost that old high school notion that a pretty-girl dates only the handsome jocks. Image and popularity is everything! Appealing to your own vanity. I'm not hot unless I'm validated by a hot guy! I don't want my friends to see me with a plain-looking guy! "I'm over 30, and I have to prove I've still got it!"
You have to change your outlook, and your attitude about men.
In order to always run into total-losers, that's the trait you're attracted to. You see something off about them, and you zero-in on them. Why? Because you have low self-esteem; and figure if you can get an attractive-man, you must be pretty. You fear a nice-guy might not like what's beneath your surface. You purposely go for the hot bad-boys!
If he's crude, disrespectful, arrogant, or a total douche on two-legs; but has good-face, he's your man. You sort of hate men. You don't want to pair good-character with good-looks; or your own imperfections might show. An average nice-guy won't make a pretty-couple. Image matters!
Pretty on the outside and broken on the inside. Is that the male-reflection of yourself?
No, my dear, decent men aren't all unattractive. Their good ways make you feel bad about yourself. So you've stuck to a type. Yes, even "unattractive-men" are sexy, loving, and will rock your world! Looks fade and personality lasts!
You need to expand and improve your taste, and how you judge character.
You're implying good-looking guys are all assholes; and you'd have to settle for an unattractive guy to find a good one. Have you tried dating an average-guy based on his personality?
Before you date anybody, you've got to change your self-image and opinion of yourself. Assholes don't expect much from women as long as they get what they want. So the less they expect from you, the more at-ease you feel with him. You'll settle for their empty sweet-talk and sex over having to pull your own act together. You can still be damaged, but still get a man. If he accepts you, you'll accept him. You'll put-up with anything as long as he doesn't leave you.
No, deary, that's not how it works. You must get counseling and get daddy-dearest out of your head. Stop dating until you can change your negative sexist-attitude about what men are. We're not all like your mean old daddy!
If you feel good about who you are, you'd make better choices based on all the right traits and character. You will feel that's what you deserve.
Date a nice-guy, age-appropriate, and feel you deserve one. Less focus on his appearance (not discounting good grooming); but more focus on character and personality.
You can't judge nor dismiss what you've never had.
Try-it before you knock-it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (2 April 2018):
 Maybe look for dates differently. Join a group, play a mixed sport, broaden your life and maybe you'll broaden the type of men that you'll meet. Enroll in a course and learn a new skill, along the way meeting new people. Make new friends, that opens up a new circle of possible dates.
As far as what you've said about making excuses for bad behaviour- well, I think you need to learn to respect yourself and expect to be treated with respect. Realise that gossiping about an ex-wife is disrespectful, and very poor behaviour, and not a quality that you want in a partner for yourself. Learn to be happy with who you are, and that you don't need to have a man in your life to complete. That's when you'll break the cycle, and that's when someone good will enter your life.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 April 2018):
 Honestly, life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Just don't date guys like your father. Who you date is a choice.
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