A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up 2 months ago with a man I had been seeing for 8 months. He treated me well and we spent many happy times together and even talked about the prospect of living together in the future. He often mentioned his ex wife and how terrible she had behaved towards him and how much money she had taken from him. I supported him when he felt sad or upset about what had happened with her and he told me on several occasions how she had contacted him and knew about us.When I met him he said he had been divorced for a year but a few months into the relationship he stated that she had only left 8 months before. He maintained they were divorced and I had no reason to disbelieve him (although I knew he didnt have the money for a quicky divorce)After 6 months his behaviour towards me began to change, he was still very attentive and bought me flowers and took me out to dinner but said he just wanted to be friends. I thought he was maybe just going through an emotional time so I gave him space, but he continued to call me and wanted to see me on a weekly basis. We were also still having a sexual relationship. He mentioned his ex wife was in trouble with her new partner (the guy she had left him for) and that he felt he should see her to make sure she was alright. He insisted he didnt want her back in his life but he continued to tell me he just wanted friendship from me.I became very confused and upset over this as I thought a great deal of him. The last time I saw him we had spent a happy day at my house, we had done some decorating and I had cooked dinner and we had cuddled and watched TV. We parted with hugs and kisses and 'see you soon'.I didnt hear from him for about a week and so gave him a quick call to see if he was ok. He was very cold towards me and tried to rush me off the phone. I asked when I would see him again and he wouldnt say. I could hear a woman in the background and asked him who it was. He told me to mind my own business, told me I was interrupting his evening and slammed the phone down'I never did get an explaination to what happened. All his promises to stay in touch, that he would always be there for me and would always think about me, all came to nothing. I wondered if he ever got a divorce or if his wife eventually wound her way back into his life and undermined what we had.Over the last two months it has driven me crazy. I cant move on (even though another man has asked me out) I feel sad and depressed that I was rejected in this way. I think about him daily and have even called his answering machine just to hear his voice.I feel like going to his house to confront him, but I know I probably won't. I am so hurt over it and as I am 42 years old, I wonder if I will ever find someone who I will love again so much.I don't know why, after all the things he promised me and after telling me he loved me, that he rejected me so quicklyHow can I stop torturing myself over this?Please help me
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broke up, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, flowers, his ex, money, move on Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): To all of you who took precious time to reply to my post here, let me start by saying a very huge THANKYOU and to send you all a BIG BIG HUG. Just reading your helpful advice brought tears to my eyes and some of your comments struck at the very core of my heart. Your words, particularly Kelja and Iona and Oldersister, have brought a massive comfort to me at a time when I have found it so so hard to even speak to my friends about this.
You have all made me realise that I really didn't lose something so special, that Robert was decieving me for the greater part of our relationship and at times I only saw what I wanted to see because I was immersed in the person I believed him to be.
I have found out in the last couple of days from a distant mutual friend that Roberts ex wife has moved back into 'their' home. The friend still doesnt know if they were ever divorced and maybe I will never know, in fact, I don't want to know as I have no intention to sling mud at him now.
I really wish that when people become involved, that they were more honest about their situation before they went storming in. Of course things can change and we don't always know the future but just giving ourselves time to really identify what we really want or can practically have, would save a whole lot of heartache.
To this day I would never hurt Robert because I am a believer of what goes around comes around. My best hope is that, in some way, if she ever hurts him again, that he will realise what a very kind and loving person he has lost in me.
I am still sad about it and think I will be for quite sometime, but worse things happen to people everyday and in perspective its a fairly mild trauma.
Thankyou all so very much for equiping me with with those wonderful statements of wisdom, that have helped to change my train of thought over this.
God Bless you all and give you love and peace.
Angie xxx
A
male
reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (18 July 2008):
 Hi,
I just wanted to add some more to the really helpful and loving advice already given. The best thing for you to do now is to go "cold turkey". This will give you a little more power as to what happened. Men go into "caves". When they go into caves, they think of solutions and work out how they will "play" it. We don't know what he is doing with Mrs EX...and we don't care! I bet he is waiting for your call or contact as he is "used" to being the powerful one. In his mind, he may even be using you as a backup or reserve. Now, I believe that he will make contact with you in the future. (I believe that) When he does, you must be strong and keep your power. Please come back to this site for help if you are unsure. The aunts here have helped me in the past and their help is invaluable. Take care, G xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): dearest dear,
i just want you to know that i absulutetly agree
to dearkelja she made the perfect explanation about this.. and i want to tell you just keep this to your mind.. no matter what happen.. " YOU ARE GOOD AS YOU ARE "
please be happy now, and find the happiness you are looking for.., dont let your self down by this unworthy man.. good luck and take care.. gladyz
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  + ♥, writes (18 July 2008):
 A similar thing happened to me as well. In my case I got the "need space" text message and then nothing. When I tried to get answers so that I could have closure I was ignored. For the next 4 months I tried to go over everything I said or did thinking it was something I did, wondering when he'd call back, etc. It's still fresh in my mind today but I now realize that it is not me, it is him. In my case, this guy has some pretty serious issues and is really unfit to be in a relationship. But it took tears and time to get here.
I'd like to add onto what Oldsister said. When a guy trashes his ex or turns the breakup into a "poor me" scenario, it is a grab for your sympathy. It is a manipulative ploy and a sign of an unhealthy individual. I also think it is the person's way of convincing themselves that they did nothing wrong in the relationship when in reality, there is plenty of blame to go around but they have not grown from the experience.
This guy also tried to manipulate your feelings by reducing your status to "friends" but in reality he was getting all of his needs (physical) met at your expense. He knew that. To me this is a sign of a very selfish person.
This is not a man who can communicate in an open and honest manor. If the two of you had stayed together you never would have been able to navigate through tough times together because he was not able to communicate.
Lastly, this man has absolutely no compassion. A compassionate person would have realized how you felt and never, ever would have been so rude to you on the phone. But going back to him being manipulative and not accepting responsibility,he is trying to blame you for what happened.
So this is a guy who doesn't sound very nice but you are still missing the guy you though he was. You need closure, for him to tell you why he did this. But he will not do that, too much time has passed and he is not the kind of person who cares how you're doing.
We can all say he's not worth it but you are just going to have to work through all of your feelings until you figure out for yourself that you are not missing out on anything good and as he continues to manipulate you (yes, he is now making you feel insecure and unworthy of a mate) you are missing out on some guy who could bring all those positive feelings back to you about relationships.
I'm older than you and I am NOT giving up. There is someone out there for me and there is someone out there for you.
Please be good to yourself. Go out with friends and have some fun. Your spirits will be lifted by just getting out there and back into the human race. I know not all guys are like this.
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A
male
reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (17 July 2008):
Hi,
i'm very sorry for what happened and how you are feeling at this moment. You really sound a "good" person. A similar thing happened to me....i liaised with a twice divorced lady, everything started so well, she implied both husbands had been a waste of space for her and I was her breath of fresh air and true guy she had been looking for. All her friends had told her to hang on to me! A few months down the line, i had the old let's be friends routine and then lack of contact.........I simply went cold turkey and changed my phone, email and text numbers. I had short term pain but now I have long term gain and my sense of pride. I finally "got it" that if she had divorced twice, it couldn't have been just her husbands at fault. She must have had something to do with it as well. (I didn't see this at the time though when I was with her!) It's best to go now and simply don't look back. Be strong, you did nothing wrong and probably have had a lucky escape. Good luck and take care, G xx
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A
female
reader, Lizel  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 I'm so sorry for what you are going through.I'm in a almost similar situation.My fiance cheated on me with his ex wife,whom he swore to me,was the worst thing that ever happened to him.He made me believe that I was the answer to all his prayers and that he would never hurt me.He did,in the worst possible way.Thing is,I know that once you've decided to end your marriage,no matter how much you want to believe you can and want to make it work again,you cant.The cracks will always be there,the fights will be the same or even worse,etc.But I also know,that at some stage after divorce,you actually forget all the bad things and you'll do whatever it takes to just fix it,and that's what I believe my fiance went through.His ex wife left him for another man and he believed for a little while that he was ok.She didn't want him back,because she knew he still wanted her,but then when I came onto the scene and she realised that he was moving on,she decided to use her evil female powers all women have,yes we do,just to see if she could still can control him,and what do you know,she won.But only for a little while,because when he realised she was playing mind games,he was hurt even more and he almost started to hate her.I know your friend will come back to you,and right now you are hurting,but the question is,will you be able to forgive him?You want answers,closure and he's being selfish not giving this to you,but in the same breath,he's being manipulated and played too,I can almost bet on it!I'm sorry for your hurt.REALLY!Maybe its time you start using your female powers.Dust them off and play the game as she did,or get him out of your head and find a replacement!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (17 July 2008):
 There were several red flags in this relationship from the start and you'd be wise to recognize them in the future. The first one was how he talked about his ex- usually when a guy claims how his ex screwed him over and is liberal with this information in the beginning, you can almost bet it's the other way around. It's a manipulative tactic to get you to put your defenses down and feel sorry for them. This is also true when they claim their ex cheated all the time. A good guy doesn't start bashing his ex.
The second thing was when he provided contradictory information regarding his divorce, in essence, he lied to you about something very important. If he is comfortable lying about something this important, he will be very comfortable lying about equally important things. He also now knows you'll put up with it.
The third thing was telling you he just wanted to be friends. Talk about building you up with promises about a future to just being a friend? Very telling. Then you keep having sex with him. He now knows he can not only lie to you but sleep with you as well, regardless of his empty promises and you will accept this.
Then he drops the bomb about helping his ex. No wonder you were confused! Here he was bashing this woman over how much she screwed him over, now he's rushing to her defense?! Yeah, doesn't quite add up does it? I can almost guarantee, he was the one with bad behavior in their relationship but he got you to feel sorry for him, didn't he?
Then he disappears....I'll bet your stomach was turned into knots and you were furious, crazy, and paranoid at this point. Then he acts like "how dare you call me and interrupt my evening!". Like you are the one with problems.
This guy did quite a number on you and he's not what he pretended to be. I doubt anything he really told you was honest. You ignored all the red flags, either because you just didn't see them or because it was easier not to. It's a hard lesson and you end up paying a very heavy price for denial. It may be hard to feel this right now, but be relieved he's out of your life. Don't idealize the good things in the relationship, they were all based on lies. Get mad at him but don't feel like you've lost something special.
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A
female
reader, laydee +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Look, times can be hard. We all know, my mom was in a violent marriage to my dad for 20 years, she found a bloke who said he 'loved' her after her divorce. He had been through the same thing as her, they moved in together fast and then he disappeared. Back to his ex wife, he didnt leave a note or anything. My mom spent weeks trying to figure out what she did wrong. And in the end she realised that it wasnt her it was him, the miserable cowardly bastard. Dont torture yourself your are worth more then that. I can guarantee that. Oh and by the way my mom is now happily married and is a year older then you. There is hope out there for everyone. I promise. Just give it time stop blaming yourself and go out for drinks with friends and your kids or whatever. Just live life, its so much nicer. And give this other guy a chance, just dont move too fast. Slower is better.
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