A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my bf for 2 years now,and i love him incredibly, but at times, he makes me extrememly misrerable, especially with his controlling attitude..i've been cring for the last week because i feel like a bird trapped in a cage. To make things worse, i have been crushing for a month on this guy i met from day one in college. We have almost everything in common, and he understands me very well. We texted, and i lied to my bf about it and hid it, but eventually i confessed texting this guy and being friendly with him. Now apparently, i didn't realize how much this guy's friendship meant to me, until my bf told me to stop texting him ever again, and i did was i was told, because my bf would not compromise,and that was the only condition he ever puts on our relationship-me not texting guys. Now, although my conscience is semi clear towards my bf, i told my friend what happened, and he is no longer talking to me...it hurts as hell, and i know i might lose the greatest friend i ever met.but then i again i think that i might be this emotional because im falling for him. What to do? I dont wanna lose my bf or my friend, but theres no choice, who to choose?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
After you put his pluses into one column and his minuses in another and are STILL not sure what to do, ask yourself this: are you happy? I don't think you are and I don't blame you. He's treating you like his property. Admittedly a piece of property that he likes, but a piece of property nonetheless.
There are soooo many good people out there that there is no reason to settle for one that isn't right for you. You may find that hard to accept, but that's partially because your self esteem needs some work.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Men in love do not control
MEN in love do not have to give permission for you to contact friends.
Men in love do not blame you for a fight
you are not his child
you are not his possession.
he does not forgive?
does he bring up old stuff and continue to blame you for the problems in the relationship?
Jealousy is not an emotion rooted in love honey... it's an emotion rooted and based totally in insecurity...
he does not love you.... you may love him... but I do not believe he loves you purely or truly.
I also think as you get older and mature you will NOT like his behavior and you will leave... I know I did I married a man at 21 who was very rigid... it took me 8 years and two kids and being told I was not allowed to work and earn my own money before I left him...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies, and sorry for my spelling and grammar. I felt the need to explain further. My bf banned me from talking or texting to guys before this incident, and for no reason at all besides his jealousy, and i am submissive in my character so i agree. I can't seem to change my bf, and he is resolute in his character. I am in a conflict whether to break up or not..he is caring, very sweet and generous, but he is controlling, insanely jealous, and he does not forgive. He blames me on all the fights we had, because they revoleved around something I did, like texting a male friend without his permission. If i had wanted to fight with him, I could've found numerous occassions to do so, but I did not want to hurt his feelings, I care about him more than myself. I dont know what to do?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
I Love him incredibly you say…. How do I love thee… let me count the ways.
Left side of the page list one thing on each line all the things he currently does that makes you love him… NOT the things you want him to do… not the things he did to win you… but RIGHT NOW… what he does he do now that makes you love him incredibly?
I’ll tell you what my husband did yesterday to make me love him:
He called me at 8 am to thank me for something very simple that he had asked me to do that I had done.
He also called me at 4:30 on his way home from work to let me know how bad traffic was and to go a different way than I normally do.
He also managed to feed himself dinner last night without whining or complaining as I had something to do…. (not a big deal to most but we run a traditional household and I make dinner every night so my not cooking for him is a big deal)
Three very simple things that meant a lot to me… it’s not that hard if you love HIM. I find however with posts like these that the “incredible love” you feel for him is not for him in the here and now but rather for the HIM of the PAST or the POTENTIAL HIM….
You say “HE makes me extremely miserable” but the truth is you do it to yourself by allowing him to behave the way he does. OWN your feelings and your behavior…
He is controlling huh?
You’ve been crying for a week?
AND the clincher… there’s someone else… that alone is enough to know you are no longer happy enough in your current relationship to stay with him.
YOU LIED to your boyfriend. That in my book is cheating. Telling him AFTER the fact, is about guilt…
Your boyfriend was wise to tell you not to text this guy… not because you can’t have male friends and not because your boyfriend has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with but because you have feelings for this guy beyond friendship and YOU LIED about your friendship with him….. BIG warning signs for your bf to see…
Why don’t you want to lose your boyfriend?
I can tell you what happened to me…
I was married. I was in an open marriage. I met a man… his BRAIN intrigued me and I cleared with my husband that I was going to be intimate friends with this guy who lived about 2 hours away from us… I would visit him with my husband’s knowledge and consent…
When my husband decided that he no longer wanted me to have a friendship with this man because he felt threatened and jealous. I agreed. And I would have done it… marriage first… and I was MISERABLE… I didn’t care about sex with the guy I missed talking to him… I missed his brain…. My husband actually truly wanted out of the marriage so he never actually made me stop seeing him… his excuse “I can’t do this to you, you look so miserable when you think about not talking to him” and I was but I would have done it to save my marriage because I was HAPPY in my marriage (you are NOT happy in your relationship)
Fast forward… hubby left… (a blessing) and I ended up marrying the guy I was friends with….
Leaving something known for a risk and something unknown is a gamble…
You say you don’t want to lose your boyfriend… if you lost him what would you lose?
What are you missing now by giving up your friend?
Do you really see yourself being with a controlling abusive man who makes you cry for the rest of your life?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): "I dont wanna lose my bf or my friend, but theres no choice, who to choose?"You will not be choosing either of them, your controlling, verbally abusive boyfriend has already chosen for you so you've already lost your friend and your boyfriend will continue to exercise his control over the people with whom you associate by manipulating you into bending to his will and cutting all ties, presumably the same way he has already isolated you from your family and friends.I can only suggest you seek counselling to resolve what I suspect are long-term deep-seated issues that have resulted in the lack of self-esteem and self-respect that is causing you to cling to an unhealthy, dysfunctional coupling with a controlling jerk to whom you have latched on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 February 2013):
"But at times he makes me extremely miserable." How much of your relationship do you feel this way? You should be happy, fyi. Once the word "miserable" starts to present itself its time to reevaluate things.
Leaving your bf would be hard, no doubt, but if you're not happy why stay? Can you imagine being married to this guy and feeling this way forever?
Regarding your friend: you are jumping to conclusions here. It doesn't sound like you know him well enough to assume that you're missing out on the perfect friend or boyfriend. It's easy to feel that way when you have some things in common with someone but it's just not very realistic at this point.
I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, but I hope I helped make things a little clearer so you can make the choice yourself.
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