A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a strained relationship with my girlfriend of five years. There's a lot of love and care there. She'll shower me with it, thank me and bless me. She has me on a pedestal and I shelter her from life. There's a lot of love but I feel trapped.She's been unemployed more or less the whole time, which was fine to begin with and for the three years she was at college. But it's been a year since she graduated and in the meantime I finally got fed up with everything that came to her addiction problems and we separated. She did go to rehab and in doing so I decided to stick with her and support her. I was ready to support her efforts to get herself together, but not fully ready to trust her. We live in separate countries now so since last fall we've been together a month at a time, every month. So one month together and one separated. However, in a 21st century relationship between two people with lots of dead time about half of the relationship happens online. 5 years, 24/7 connectivity and togetherness, 10 minute response time, despite being thousands of miles apart. I helped her get an apartment, I helped her get a car. She never followed up the rehab with AA or therapy and acknowledges that she has a resistance to it when asked about it. She's back to her old ways and I've been one leg in and one leg out for so long it's become the norm. I was ready to leave when she finally got a job, so like a good little co-dependent I stayed a little while longer. Now I'm trying to set up my own company, and for this reason I haven't been working paid work as much as I have in the past. The money I have right now is just about enough to finalise and launch my business and stay alive for the month until I get my next paycheck.I expected I would have to help her out as I have been doing in the past but thought it'd be way less than before. Now she's called me up and told me that she can't make rent, any of it. If I help her out with the full amount, I'll only have enough for myself this month and my business goes nowhere.I pretty much know what you're all going to say already. I just had to type this mess out for myself, I guess.Also, I'm co-dependent so this is actually tearing me apart, deciding between myself and the person that "relies" on me.
View related questions:
money, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 July 2017):
 The advice you have been given is loud, clear and unanimous. You aren't helping her. You are making things worse. There has to be a line drawn in the sand and you are the only one to do it. At the moment it is you who is the weakling.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 The best way to help her would be to say "I'm sorry, I can't help you this month, all my ready cash has been allocated"
Try it and see. You know your actions over the past years haven't really helped so here is a chance to try something different.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2017): Hi, I am the original poster. Firstly, thank you all for your replies.There seems to have been a misunderstanding in that we have been long distance the whole time, we haven't. She moved in with me, right at the start, we moved abroad together and then things fell apart and we separated.Aside from that, you're all right and I know this in my head but I have this overpowering sense of responsibility and, throughout the years, we got through our by proclaiming to be a team and promising to stick together. I guess the problem is, when I falter I try to learn and do better. And I see her wanting to learn for as long as the mistake is fresh in her mind, then forgetting and repeating.I'll sadly report though, that I failed on this one and gave in. Somehow I couldn't stand seeing her becoming stiff with anxiety over this and caved. I'd figured out an alternative way for me to try and do what I need to do. A bit of a compromise but I hope I can make it work. Meanwhile, she's put me in a really hard position which I'm none to happy about and she knows it. It'll take me a while to get over this one I think.Thanks for your help though guys, much appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 July 2017):
 You must already realize that she is NEVER going to change. Not completely. She may promise. She may change a little, just to give you some hope. But ultimately she will stay the same.
If she was able to graduate, then surely she is able to get a job. The thing is, she has no motivation to go out and work (few of us actually ENJOY working) because she is child-like and expects you to step in and support her when she needs it.
Why can she not pay her rent this month? She must be getting money from somewhere so what has she done with it? Has it gone on her addiction again?
As I see it, you have two choices: you can either cut ties and get a life, or you can stay with her and have more of the same for however many years you choose to subject yourself to being used by her. I really don't think there are any other options. The choice is yours. Do you want to be feeling like this in another 5, 10 or more years and wasting your life? I hope you are strong enough to realize you are worth more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2017): She doesn't seem to care whether her actions run YOUR hopes and dreams does she? I think she only has her needs in her head and her heart. She really doesn't care about YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 July 2017):
 You do you.
You are in a loving way ENABLING her to NOT get her shit together. I know the intention was to help her get on feet but in 5 years that hasn't happened because SHE had you. She doesn't HAVE to really get on her feet.
I can imagine that dilemma hurts to be in because no matter WHAT you do this month it will hurt either of you.
You keep saying you are co-dependent like you can't "help" yourself or have no control but let's be honest... YOU can decide to put yourself FIRST - for once. See where THAT gets you (not where SHE is concerned but when it comes to YOUR hopes, dreams, and goals). For 5 years you have LET this relationship HOLD you back. Think about it.
That was the money side.
You said she is slipping. Is that with her addiction? If so, HOW many times is that going to happen while you are still with her?
Addicts USE people. They don't take a drop here or there they SUCK the marrow from your bones if you "let" them. Because an addict is focused on ONE primary goal - themselves and the next fix, high, stupor, gamble etc.
THIS is who she is. You have put her up a pedestal and now she refuses to get down. Worshipping your partner to a point where you let them bleed you dry (financially) or otherwise is not healthy. In 5 years your relationship hasn't moved forward. It has moved backward. You don't really trust her but you have some kind of "guilt" over her situation. And in 5 years you two are STILL long distance. That is not sustainable. While I get that you two have 24/7 ability to communicate it is NOT the same as BEING together in the same geographical location. 5 years is WAY too long to be dating but not together. However, THAT right now is a good thing. As she ISN'T living with you and not contributing at all to life.
I think you have to decide is this relationship is even viable anymore. Yes, she is loving and all that good stuff but if you sat down and made a pro and con list of her and the relationship... I think you might find that most of the list ends up on the con side of the list.
You are with her still because you get something out of this. Whether it's because you LIKE being co-dependent and have HER NEED you so badly or because while it FEELS like a relationship, it's NOT one where you two REALLY depend on each other IN person every day.
And you CAN NOT tell me SHE is the ONLY woman for you. My guess is, that IF you two break up (and you better cut all contact or she will sucker you right back in) you CAN find someone not only CLOSER to you but healthier for YOU and healthier for a relationship.
It sounds to me like she is either MUCH younger than you or she is pretty immature. Which again, isn't strange for an addict. I think they quite often become a bit "stunted" emotionally due to addiction. So what you seem to have read more like a PARENT (you) and CHILD (her) than a GOOD solid adult relationship.
Think about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 July 2017):
It would be easy to give you the advice you expect. Yet I imagine the quandary you find yourself in, between being caring, yet pragmatic might lead you to expect something more from here.
First you have taught this little bird to feed from your hand. That is exactly where she has come now there is a problem with her rent.
Let me point out the obvious - you are not her parent or even her husband. And, even if you were, you would not be doing her any favours by simply handing over money.
Have you asked her what she proposes to do? That would be a start. It shows her that you aren't just going to hand over money.
Second you can explain that things are difficult for you at the moment, but you would help if you were able, providing she could set up a repayment scheme.
Third, point her at some sort of loan scheme or community bank to which she can apply.
Remember if she can't find the rent this month there must be a reason. Money has gone somewhere. An if this is becoming a regular thing she might have to consider moving somewhere cheaper - and that isn't in with you.
You do have to be a bit tougher over this than in the past. It isn't right that you are being perceived as her overdraft facility. That isn't a good basis for a relationship.
...............................
|
