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Who agrees that a man really would choose a porn star over the woman he's with?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 July 2007) 18 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2007)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have read the many of the posts about porn and was interested in asking a question. One of the agony aunts (incidently who I think is excellent and gives very insghtful adice btw). said the following in response to a question about porn..I have seen this type of answer a lot...ie he may look at porn but its you he comes back to type of answer. the quote was...

'And, you need to understand that he might look at porn, yet it doesn't mean anything for him. You are the real thing, and he prefers you'

but isnt it true that we can only really say he prefers us because we happen to be the one he can access.. In other words if the woman from the porn was standing in front of him willing and we were standing there then who would he choose?

So its not really fair to say he PREFERS us...isnt it really a matter of sure he looks at her, lusts after her and finds her body ideal but its you who he CAN have sex with?

Whilst many men feel porn is just paper its acually images of other women..and I think women are fools if they really believe their men m...te over porn stars but would rather have sex with their partners IF GIVEN THE CHOICE....the fact that they are'nt given the choice is the only reason they 'choose' us.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007):

I am struck by the fact that very few of the responses actually refer to how women (or men for that matter) really feel about how pornography affects there lives. Presumably you wouldn't be at this forum if your feelings weren't strong about this subject.

My husband suffers from impotence and uses lots of pornography. I have been told that I am above average in terms of looks, infact I modelled (fully clothed) when I was younger, and I still have a good figure. However, there is no way that I can compete with the plastic silicone breasted barbies that my husband seems to lust after. My figure and looks will decline where the fantasy figures of porn will continue to look better with more surgery and better film techniques.

I think that women need to be more honest about how this really makes them feel and that men need to be more honest about their use of pornography. Internet porn stars are paid to have sex which really makes them prostitutes. How many economically and psychologically secure people would make this choice?, Is this something we would like a daughter or sister to do for money?

Yes , I have strong opinions from personal experience, but that should not detract from the points that I make

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A female reader, 911help United States +, writes (14 July 2007):

911help agony auntMy husband watches alot of porn and doesn't even get hard. I don't approve, but as long as he is not cheating on me, that's what matters. I've asked him before why he looks at it and he says he tries to find porn stars that resemble me and for ideas. Yes, my husband likes to make movies. I don't paticularly like to do it because it is like work not sex, but he would rather watch our movies than porn and yes he does get hard then.

My answer is they would never give up what they got at home for a porn star. She is all fake, from the boobs, to the lips, and alot of makeup. They can do alot to cover up the flaws on camera. He would NEVER give you up! You look better on your worst day than they look on their best.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (11 July 2007):

eddie agony auntI would have to disagree. Average, normal people are not hookers, drug dealers or porn stars. These are people who live on the fringes and do things 99 % of the population would consider to be morally wrong. In this world, we base our standards on what the majority consider to be OK. Most people wouldn't want their child to marry a porn star. The reason is this, porn stars give away what the vast majority of people consider to be a special act, reserved for those we care about. There are variations of everything but most of us strive to have romance and love from a special person. Nobody wants to know that there partner gave it away to three people at once. If you scratch below the surface, I think you'll find most porn stars have somewhat of a sketchy past. I don't knock them for doing it, I just don't think it falls in the scope of what would generally be considered normal.

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (11 July 2007):

I think some men would choose the porn star as some men wouldnt. It all depends on the man and the situation. But ive heard alot of people say that men cant turn down woman. But i dont think bad about the woman who do porn, i dont think that they are all shallow bimbos. I think that they are woman just like us. There mothers and daughters and good friends. Your line of work doesnt always make you who you are.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (11 July 2007):

penta agony auntIt sounds like you think that men are really only interested in sex and looks. I know that's the stereotype, but the vast majority of men are interested in a lot more than that. (Not the least of which is companionship, honesty, trust and love -- not necessarily in that order.)

I think there are men who would leave their spouse if there was a chance at a porn star. There are men who leave their wives for younger eye candy. But I really think that's the exception, not the norm.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (11 July 2007):

eddie agony auntI happen to think porn stars are very shallow people, as far as love goes. I'm at a point in my life where I would not want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. In other words, the fact that someone is getting paid to perform sex, ruins everything.

I would take, any day, a woman who was an enthusiastic 6, on a scale of 1-10, over a 10 who was a porn star. I want a woman to want me because she's horny, not because she feels obligated. I like real people.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

And to Ms. Anon that mentioned George Clooney. The point in matter was that emotions are NOT involved. No emotional ties as stated in her reply after my 2nd one from the bottom.

If you had read my 1st post, it was talking about emotional ties, and sentimental history. However, she rebuttalled and called for a non-emotional tie sort of answer.

Secondly, the reason why I suggested an alternative question: "Would you agree that men would choose a porn star to have sex with, over his physically ugly wife?" - is because it seemed as though Ms. 30-35 was trying corner someone in trying get this sort of answer.

The question in view is not absolute as she thought I had expressed. The question in view has to do with her own original thread comments.

The "ugly wife" part just feels like the right thing to suggest, because this is what gave it away:

1) "thanks guys, sorry I should have been clearer in my q...not all men but most would prefer the looks and body of a porn star over their gf or wife..... *I specifically wasnt talking about emotional ties or whether he would hurt those he loves*"

(NOTE: what she was asking for - NO EMOTIONAL TIES OR HURTING ONE HE LOVES)

2) "they are the porches not the bmbos that supposedly are beautiful...perhaps to may men like urself but I disagree that everyone sees it that way"

(NOTE: she generalized me as an individual to what she thinks I like versus what I would rather desire, especially what I said in my first post. Basically, she contradicted my 1st post in which I said moderation and balance.)

3) "So its not really fair to say he PREFERS us...isnt it really a matter of sure he looks at her, lusts after her and finds her body ideal but its you who he CAN have sex with?"

(NOTE: She just said that the choices given of a porn star with the ideal body and looks over the wive/gf whom is what? You see, I assume that she meant a porn star with an ideal body and looks over the wife/gf who doesn't have the ideal body and looks.)

Summary: if the question was more straight forward, say:

A) "Would you agree that men would choose a porn star to have sex with, over his physically ugly wife?"

OR

B) "Would you agree that men would choose a woman if her body and appearance is more of his preference than a woman that he doesn't find as attractive that way?"

OR

C) "Would you agree that men would choose a very beautiful woman with a little brain over an average woman with a lot of brains?"

You see what I am getting at here?

Yet, she had asked instead "Would you agree that men would choose a porn star over his wife/gf?"

But there is a loose end and it's inaccurate like I said in my first post. There are so many factors. Missing criteria in her thread.

In short, she wanted a male to say what she wanted him to say to 'prove' that men like myself supposedly would think that all wives and girlfriends are ugly compared to porn stars, and that I would choose over them. [sighs] It seems as though my first post was just overshadowed by the singular sentence "ugliness".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

No, I think you misunderstood my post.

Either A) you were trying to reconfirm your own feelings on a subject that you have been a 'victim' to, or B) you were geniunely open to discussion.

My post didn't say that ALL wives and girlfriends are ugly. My 'question' alternative was maybe you should be asking if men would choose porn stars over ugly wives and girlfriends.

Please read my words more carefully next time. If I had said ALL wives and girlfriends were ugly, that would have been different. However, like I said, I didn't.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

I think you should be honest with yourself, the real issue with you is that you feel inferior to other women and insecure that you aren't good enough to keep a man, don't you?

There is nothing wrong with that, everyone has insecurities and past baggage that makes them distrusting. But - it is not really fair to blame this on men, is it? You are hiding from the real hurt and until you put down your defences and accept what the real problem is you will never move on from them and feel confident, special and admired in the way that you deserve to.

You already know this but you are grossly over stereotyping a certain type of man - probably a man who is more interested in sex than in having a relationship. That is just one kind of man, going through one part of their life journey. There are plenty of other men, like Daniel says, who want love, respect, honesty, caring, personality and family from a relationship and therefore the traits he looks for in a partner would be to achieve those things and "looks" or sex-appeal would probably be much, much lower down on his list.

To answer the question directly, too. I have a couple of female friends who are full-time, professional models, both who do glamour modelling and I wouldn't go out with them, not because of their looks but just because they aren't my kind of girls. You see, men can date on far more grounds than just looks alone.

You really do need to lower that guard of yours and look inside of yourself and ask yourself if asking these kind of questions is actually going to bring you any resolution of comfort - I don't think so. Put aside whatever bad experiences you have had, look at people you meet in the future with less expectations, you'll probably be surprised with what you find.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

Sorry but I dont understand why you think my q should have been 'Would you agree that men would choose a porn star to have sex with, over his physically ugly wife?"

I dont know ehere you live but most wives and gfs I know are very beautiful especialy compared to porn stars...(they are the porches not the bmbos that supposedly are beautiful...perhaps to may men like urself but I disagree that everyone sees it that way) but of course I look through womens eyes and my whole point was that to men porn stars are the beautifu ones not wives /gf..

I guess you just proved my point.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

I'm going to have to say that most men would prefer the porn star/model image over the regular woman image just for sex. If I were a man I would too (though I'm not into weird huge implants). It would just make sense with all the media, brainwashing and addiction that is going on. But I would say the same about women being brainwashed: if Brad Pitt or George Clooney or whomever were standing next to our "regular looking boyfriends," would we be drooling over Brad? You betcha!

I think that women have deeper feelings when it comes to their sexual fantasies - when men fantasize about a porn star it's just about her body parts and sex acts, but with women it's not just about the male celeb's looks, but his talent, personality, intelligence, charm, etc. She might even want to leave him for her regular boyfriend. So in a way our fantasies are less "faithful" (if you want to use that word) than mens.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

Well, if we look at just physical attire, then yes, I would agree that if there was no brain involve and no emotion ties, etc, then I think most sane people on Earth would choose something beautiful rather than something that isn't.

Another example, before some anti-martini feminist starts stalking my posts again, would be how people define beauty versus what isn't. Let's put two objects side by side:

1) Porsche Cayman S

VS

2) A 1982 Honda Civic Hatchback

Surely some people will say the Honda has its charm, but would be lying (at least through my eyes) if they said the Cayman S is undesirable - based on looks alone.

So in the example of a porn star VS my wife/gf, in the most raw sexual instinct of pure pleasure WITHOUT emotional ties, then of course, I would choose a porn star, but as you probably can see, this assessment is inaccurate. A wife/gf exists BECAUSE there are emotional ties. A porn star on a web site or in a magazine is just some picture of a woman doing something lewd.

Back to another discussion here at DC a few months ago, the topic was sex and love. For one, I agreed that sex and love are two different things, but sex with love is even better.

Of course, lets put into raw perspective. If my wife/gf looks like the Wicked Witch of The West versus my next door neighbor who might as well become the next greatest porn star of world, then my raw sexual desires would obviously yearn for the neighbor.

I think in short, what your question should have asked was, "Would you agree that men would choose a porn star to have sex with, over his physically ugly wife?"

Men who answers "yes" for a question like that would most likely have linear thinking women boo and hiss and even call them pigs, though mind you, I never understood why "pig" and not "dog" or "chicken". However, I have to say that the topic in view is raw sexual desire of the physique WITHOUT emotional ties. In fact, I think the question itself does not have any multiple choice answers. It's simply a yes or no question.

Interesting... What do u think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

thanks guys, sorry I should have been clearer in my q...not all men but most would prefer the looks and body of a porn star over their gf or wife.....I specifically wasnt talking about emotional ties or whether he would hurt those he loves but rather that men (most not all) appreciate the looks of porn stars more than the looks of us everydqay women.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

Oops, sorry and to continue what I was going to say...

To some men, choice may be that they didn't have the choice and so their preference is 'you', but for others like myself, the choice is always there. It's just a matter of whether we want to have pure sex, or we want to have a long lasting growing companionship.

Obviously, looks do play a role, BUT, it's not the only thing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

No, I disagree. Choice isn't a factor here in my opinion, pertaining to myself. Porn is in itself pure sex and pleasure. Pure sex and pleasure doesn't have staying power in terms of the choice of partners. If I want to have a fling and friend with benefits, sure, whatever, but if I am looking towards a future where I want to share an intellectual, spiritual, and physical (not just sex) growth and experimentation, then I wouldn't be looking at the general idea of a porn 'actress'.

There is moderation and a balance factor. Of course, if the woman is gorgeous, has a killer wit, awesome silly humor, an incredible mind, has a wide awareness, is feminine, is spiritually independent, and is 'perfect' in every other way, then great, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The preference factor about who I desire versus who I can have sex with doesn't play a big role in choosing my partner(s). Personally, I've had a share of partners where it was purely just for sex. They look decent and some looked damn fine, but it would hardly be the choice for me to pursue a long lasting relationship with them.

Why? You have to think about women like that (in my experience) are usually a certain way, or they have certain perks that might drive me crazy over time. When you choose your friends for example, you have a feeling which ones are going to turn out to be really close deep friends, and others, you just feel are acquaintences, etc. So think about it like that.

Let's put morality aside, and put two women into view:

1) Porn 'Actress': Jessica Jaymes

VS

2) Ex Girlfriend: Fiona Chan

If I put them side by side, physically, Jessica looks really damn fine, BUT there is history between Fiona and myself. There is that connective emotion that we shared. The idea that she was there as my refuge and comfort and I was there as hers, really add to the whole effect of "the desire to pleasure her" versus the porn star whom is simply a raw sexual desire.

Porn star - The Idea: it's just sex.

Ex Girlfriend - The Idea: I want to take it slow, sensual, and do things to pleasure her, look into her eyes, and stroke her hair, smile back and kiss her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

EXACTLY!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

i deffently agree with you!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (11 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntYou may be right about some men, but not about all. If you were, it would basically mean that NO MAN in the world would think twice before hurting his wife, partner, girlfriend, et cetera; I hope you can see that this is at least statistically unlikely.

We are very much interested in sex, yes, but that's not all we're interested in.

I can only talk about me. I've never been involved with anyone resembling a porn star. This is not to say they were ugly, but they had "average" looks. Well, I never felt I was settling for less. I actually had to try very hard to get these women, and, since I'm single, you can see those relationships didn't last. At the time, I might have masturbated over a porn star; but I definitely wanted the women I loved and lost.

This year, I met two wonderful women. One had great looks; the kind of woman who makes you nervous and doesn't let you think straight. The other was rather average, but a very fine person. I'd lie if I say I wouldn't have liked to take the first one to bed, who, incidentally, did have everything I was looking for; but, knowing the two, I would rather go for the second. The second woman was far better than the second, and the reason is, I wasn't judging just by looks. The second woman is the reason I'm here, by the way. If I could have her now, I'm sure I would notice other women, but I would always go back to her. By the way, I will never have her.

I don't want to be blunt, vulgar, or whatever, but, even with average women, often we have the option of taking other women to bed, and we don't necessarily do it. Just like women could have other men but they don't.

I see that the issue of porn is very important to women. To many, at least; in this site there was a post by one who said that she didn't care, and I met a married couple who regularly rented porn DVDs "to bring new ideas into the bedroom". I have to say that porn is a lot more important to women than it actually is to men.

There is a large part of truth in saying that many of us, if given the option and no harm were done, would rather be with a porn star. But you cannot take it for granted that all of us would.

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