A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey.I basically need a bit of help and guidance on which girl I should choose to have my future with.So the 1st girl I am in a relationship with, she is amazing. She is like the good wife, she is traditional and can love and look after her man. She is my girlfriend of 3 years. We do love each other so much. And have planned to marry soon. However due to our culture, we have not told anyone that we are dating. We have kept our relationship secret. We live 2 hours apart. But we meet up every two weeks in a middle distant city. And we have been intimate with each other, but no sex. We have been on holidays and we talk every night for an hour. So as you can imagine we are really close. I have even been prepared to annouce each other to each of our families. She is ready now also. But until recently, I have been stalling a bit, due to my feelings of this next girl.....So thia 2nd girl. She is my 2nd cousin (Culture thing, please dont judge) She is a nice sweet girl. But due to culture respect, we never talked. I get butterflies when I see her. I have known of her for 20 years, since kids. We never talk, and it is shameful for boys and girls too. Especially when her brother is one of my closest friends. In my culture, I know there is a chance of arranged marriages. So I could have a chance with this girl. She lives 2mins away, and I know this arrangement wouldnt be awkward like the first girl. This wouldnt be random and would be just natural to have a future with her. However her fam are a bit snobbish and I dont think they would try to arrange things, let alone choose me for their daughter. I have hope and wishes to be with this girl. Until I met my Gf. Now I am just confused on how to make my future.I just have a feeling that if I choose the 1st girl, then I would miss out on the 2nd girl. Also If I stall the 1st girl longer, I may never get the 2nd girl due to her fam choosing elsewhere or she finds a bf.I just dont know what to do. Commit to 1st girl and engage. Or hold hope for 2nd girl..1st girl or 2nd girl?Who to choose to go for?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 Regardless of culture; where is it said in your/any culture that you are required to live a lie, have family secrets and start deceiving Girl 1 with Girl 2 until you sort out your future dilemma!?
In our culture you’re simply not brave enough to announce your love for Girl 1… Totally gutless to lead in announcing each other to your families and too stand up for Girl 1 after she devoted 3 years of secrecy and chastity to be your future bride.
I think it’s rather convenient to keep your relationship a secret, telling no-one you’ve dated for 3 years… What a charade performance to fool those around you and now you wish to fool Girl 1, stalling her as she waits while you play around with ideas about Girl 2!?
For me, you are not worthy marriage material for both Girls and I would venture to say that Girl 2 family would abolish you from their doorstep, not because they’re snobbish, but because they’ll see through you eventually.
As mentioned; if you have to ask “perfect strangers”; you’re then too immature to get married.
Meanwhile, you could try for Girl 3 with a more honest approach than hiding and lying for the rest of your days… Or come clean, stop this 3 year charade, be faithful to Girl 1 and announce Girl 1 or move on completely
CAA
A
female
reader, Sapphiral  +, writes (15 April 2014):
@ANON It cannot be a hindu family! Hindus don't marry their cousins at all.
As for the girls I agree with what CindyCares says. You are being dishonest with Girl 1 and Girl2 may be a little above your league. Suggest you look for a 3rd girl
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 Let go of girl number one, with whom you share a long time friendship and love. Break her heart. Ask your parents to arrange your marriage to girl number 2, whom you barely know, but she seems right for you, culturally speaking. Commit to her. Have a few kids. Settle into married life. You may or may not be disappointed by girl number two. It all depends on how well you get along as friends.
However, when you see girl number one moving on with her life and marrying another man, stifle all the feelings of regret and nostalgia you feel for letting go of the one person who truly understood you. Your life with girl number two will be one of sacrifice and commitment and honouring family culture and traditions. Your life with girl number one will only be about "What if" and "What might have been". You'll spend the rest of your life convincing yourself that you chose the right woman.
If you are in doubt about marrying girl number one, then you should not. She is meant to be with someone who appreciates her and sees her for the jewel that she is. Stop wasting any more of Girl number one's time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Good grief, if you have to ask, then really you are too immature to be getting married at all.
Sounds like you are from either a Muslim or Hindu family and your family expect you to observe specific norms. I personally think you should gently let number one down, you don't love her if you can be so easily distracted. Get to know your half cousin, if that's expected, but prepare for her not to like you/want you etc.
Regardless of cultural expectation, never settle. But in either case, your post reveals a great deal of immaturity. Speak to your parents/imam/religious leader about what marriage entails. It's a massive commitment....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I think that girl 2 is more of a pipe dream. You have no idea whatsoever if she likes you as well. Which, it would not matter, since she is accepting an arranged marriage in her future ,so she won't choose personally, her parents will. But, precisely for this reason, if you already know that her parents want someone " better " for her, and think you don't quite make the grade , and this REGARDLESS of being their son's close friend and a second cousin, which should be in your favour, really how many chances do you have of being accepted or selected as her future husbdand, and how do you know that , as a dutiful obedient daugher, who lives a sheltered life and is not allowed to meet / talk to boys, and make up her own mind about men, she won't feel exactly what their parents feel , i.e. that you are beneath her ?...
Your safest bet would be to stay with girl 1... if it wasn't for the little detail that, if you can have such a big crush on another girl, then no, girl 1 is not really " amazing " in your eyes , and you don't really love her, at least not that much to marry her.
I suspect that you are sort of wasting girl 1's time, in your culture, I suppose, a girl does not date just to date, have fun, and gain experience, she dates in view of getting married ASAP. It's not fair that you string her along.
So, actually the best thing to do would be for you to forget about both girls, and wait for girl 3, who should be one whom you actually WANT to marry , and actually you COULD marry with the approval of both families.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (14 April 2014):
 What a tough decision to be faced with making on your own.
all both girls together, coffee or somewhere neutral would be best, and lay your predicament before them.
The one that tells you to blow it out your bum and walks away is the winner.
You are not choosing between apples and oranges here, you seem to be forgetting girl one has invested some emotion and time into your relationship, and you are not being honest with her.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 Who to choose to go for?
Do you REALLY think that you should be asking this of "perfect strangers"????????
Grow up.....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): girl 2
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A
female
reader, almondbutter +, writes (14 April 2014):
This sounds like a tough choice to make. There will always be temptation in life from the opposite sex. In your situation, the second girl gives you butterfly which means its a bit more than just an attraction. My opinion for you is that you should try to stall a bit the proposal or introduction until you resolve your feelings. Because of your culture, obviously you can't talk to the second girl and get a sense of things with her. My advise to you is you should chose the woman who is mostly going to be compatible with you, your lifestyle, your family etc.... You are also young and you will find many women attractive, that is normal but you should not let that always get in the way of your true love. Know also that your decision can really hurt the first girl so it should not be taken lightly. Personally, I married someone who did not give butterflies but also was not a very good family provider. I married out pressure from my family. We ended up separating. I think you have to have a combination of things to make a marriage work....think about those things....
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