A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. I really do not know what to do here and I am desperate for advice.My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs now. We live together. My bf is now 27. Before we got together we discussed at great length the age difference and what it meant. But he was certain he wanted to be with me and understood what it meant to be with someone my age, and to me he was much more mature than his age (almost on my level).Fast forward 2 years, he likes partying, drugs and alcohol a lot more than I thought. This is not my lifestyle - I rarely drink and have never done drugs etc. I like going out and dancing and partying but not every Friday and Saturday nights, and certainly not with drugs etc. I am an extrovert on a "natural high".I guess I did not realise the extent to his partying until we moved in together 4 mths ago. For instance, he may have a glass or two or whiskey at home after work maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Then on the weekend he likes to get trashed maybe on a Saturday. He does not do drugs every weekend, but let us say he may do it every 3 weeks or so. To me this is quite a lot of substances, to him it is quite a little (compared to everyone else he knows)He says to me that he has cut down a lot to fit more into me. But the above is his idea of cutting down. In his mind he is not getting trashed 3 times a week, which is what he did before. He also feels as though he is not really ready to give up this lifestyle yet because, of course, he is young. (Even though yes I did discuss this before we started dating.But perhaps there was a miscommunication as to what he thought was a lot and what I thought was a lot).So don't know what to do now. We both love each other and want to be with each other but I dont know how it can work. It is unfair for me to tell him to abandon this lifestyle that he clearly wants and is young, therefore entitled to. Yet, it is unfair for him to expect me to wait for him to get this out of his system. If he takes another 3 years or so (or even longer) I am even older and it will be even harder for me to have kids etc. I have no kids - not sure if I want them still but I want to know the option is there, should I decide. I mean, I may never want them - who knows!SO don't know what to do. My father was a horrid alocoholic, and because of that, I truly can not be with having someone who is so heavily into drinking and drugs (in my opinion - or maybe it is really me and his amount is fairly natural to normal people??) Please dont get me wrong, he is not a violent or aggressive etc when he is trashed. He just gets super talkative. And he can't compromise by giving up this lifestyle just yet. He says it cant happen overnight and it will take time. But time is not on my side. Dont know what to do. We have both cried so much over this and just do not know how it can work...or if it can work. Feels like we are soul mates but just we met at wrong times or wrong lives.Everything else is fine between us. Just this - which feels like an age thing? Help !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015): He doesn't have some right to get high because he is young. And he isn't that young anyway! Drugs are illegal, that's it. I have no tolerance for anyone who thinks shoving chemicals into their body sets them up for a fun time. Nothing fun about an overdose - usually unintentional because someone along the line mixed the drug with some crap. Seriously at 27 he should have enough of a brain developed to realise he's acting like a complete tit.Do you want to live with a drug user? Do you think a guy who willingly takes drugs is the ideal father material? Do you want to be listed on police records as cohabiting with a drug user, should he get caught in the home you share? I would definitely tell him the drugs stop or he will need to leave. You've been very tolerant for too long and actually, this guy should grow up.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 In your submittal, I read at least THREE good reasons for you to dump this character and get on with your life WITHOUT HIM.
Can you see what they were?
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 October 2015):
 "Which issue could derail us? Our age difference? His drinking? Or his use of drugs?"
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I'm absolutely with Auntie CindyCares - it's actually NEITHER the age difference, the drinking or the drugs, but the totally different mind sets and lifestyles that WILL derail you.
Now he moved in with you, which means if he takes drugs on a regular basis, it's not unlikely that HE will keep drugs at your house. Are you OK with that?
And yes, he is not some youngun who is in that partying/experimenting stage, he is 27! My guess is... he will be 37 and still party hard. Because FUN is his priority.
For me, personally? I get seeing friends, having a drink or two over dinner, even go dancing - but... at 27 the focus is on your career, responsibilities, your future, your family and friends. Not drinking yourself into oblivion once a week and doing drugs once or twice a month. Fun is no longer the "getting drunk on week-ends", but exploring the World and yourself. Getting drunk? Really? I mean at 27 he is still stuck in "I'm 20 and partying whoo hoo" mode. Not something he is likely to outgrow anytime soon.
As for you. WHY settle for this? Don't pull the I LOVE HIM out of your bag, I get it you love PART of who he is and "if "only" you could make him stop drinking and doing drugs everything would be fine." That is not realistic. YOU are dating a fixer upper who DOESN'T think he needs to BE fixed up. He is fine with his immature self.
JUST because he moved in doesn't mean you are NOW stuck with him. ASK him to move out, if you can't see yourself dating THIS GUY (not the guy you think he can be or the guy you WANT him to be) THIS GUY - the guy who drinks and do drugs.
YOU two want different things in life I think, YOU two like different things in life. Does a couple HAVE to want and like the same things? ABSOLUTELY not, a partner is not a carbon copy of oneself, but you should AT the least be in the same "book" on the same "page".
You have to find your OWN personal morals and boundaries. YOU have to decide if this REALLY is OK with you or not. And then act accordingly.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 October 2015):
 You say: "It is unfair for me to tell him to abandon this lifestyle that he clearly wants and is young, therefore entitled to. "
He is not entitled to drinking and drugs, he is doing it because he has been getting away with it, and besides, with the amount of drinking, he may be an alcoholic in denial. Nor is it unfair to ask him to abandon his boozing and drugging because, evidently, it is causing problems irrespective if he is disputing that or not. Nor should he be excused because he is young because age has nothing to do with a destructive lifestyle.
I also want to confirm your other statement when you say "but I dont know how it can work" because I know from experience in these drugs/alcohol situations that they never work. The female in these situations hangs around in hope that over time the guy will moderate, that he will hopefully get trashed less... Then general long term hope shrinks to hope that perhaps he won't get trashed today, this Saturday, this afternoon... All the while the effects of trashing are worse and worse.
Let me tell you, hope is not a strategy so along with excuses, stop the hope as well.
Also from experience, I've never seen any drunk or addict give up getting high until they are faced with a catastrophic loss. These losses vary - health, accidents, loss of love, job, money - but invariably, men like your guy will never ever change until they face a loss which they perceive to be catastrophic.
In your case, this loss is in the future and given how sensitive to the age difference you are, when this happens, you will be much older, and you will have much harder time finding another man.
So what I suggest maybe unpopular but it works: give him a firm deadline to quit all drugs/alcohol like a month, tell him that you don't care about any excuses or any rationale that prolongs drinking, tell him that you will not dispute whether his drinking is destructive or not and that you don't care what he believes so that anything he says is howling in the wind... Then tell him that if he does not quit permanently within that month that you will leave him, go no contact and that it will be permanently over. Likewise, if he quits but ever starts it back up, tell him it is over.
Meanwhile, use your month to mentally prepare yourself to leave him, to separate his good qualities from his drug habit, be visible about your packing, fix your finances a be sure that he sees all of that so that he knows not to test you.
Frankly, if he does not modify himself because of the prospect of loosing you, then believe me, he never saw you as an asset whose loss would be catastrophic to him. And this is basically how you will fix your life once and for all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 I don't think this has much to do with his age. It would have if he was 18 or so- some kid going through a
" mandatory ", sort of, exploratory, rebellious phase.
But he is a 27 y.o. grown ass man !, so this is what he is and this is the lifestyle that he has chosen, not a mild temporaraty madness he'll grow out of magically the day he turns 30 . If partying hard and getting trashed is what he is interested in, and what comforts him and what he finds reasonable and acceptable, I doubt you'll see drastic changes in the next few years... or maybe even in his lifetime, unless HE for some reason takes a critical view of his current habits and comes to dislike them.
So, it's more a matter of different habits, lifestyles, values and personality.
Yeah I guess he gets a bit of a pass because of his age,.. not having children to support yet, or ( I guess ) a mortgage to pay , or new dentures to buy :) etc.....he is more likely be attracted to, and anyway can allow himself, a self indulgent, hedonistic lifestyle based on his kind of " fun ". Fun has probably a bigger importance in his life now than it will have 20 years from now.
Then again... probably, but not necessarily. Not all 27 y.o choose to get trashed weekly or more , or to use drugs regularly. This says more about his tastes and personality than about a physical or mental inclination linked to his age.
So, will this issue flunk your relationship ?..I don't know, that's really up to you , and up to where your dealbreakers start at.
I think that basically you are asking us " when too much gets to be too much ?" is " how much alcohol / druga intake is acceptable " ? , but that's something that you have to decide for yourself. Any answers you'd get from people would certainly vary a lot based on their experiences, culture, society, even religion.
I have noticed , for instance, that " social drinking " takes a whole different meaning according to where you are. In Italy or France, social drinking means a couple of glasses of wine ,rigorously with a meal . In USA or UK , it seems to mean that if you can regularly drink yourself to oblivion, but without becoming deranged and dangerous and your neighbours don't have to call the police on you :) then you are a social drinker. So I reckon that in certain locations and social circles your bf could still be seen like a " social drinker " and therefore his habits acceptable.
But, screw society ad circles !, are they acceptable to you ?!! Personally to you ? Think long and hard. By 30-35 you must have some clear idea about what you like and dislike, tolerate and won't tolerate. Stick to what works for you.
Like, who cares if all his friends get high every day, and he only once a month ?! Maybe that says a lot about what kind of people he feels he belongs to and he prefers to spend time with ; is that your people too ? Would you fit in ?...
I don't think you should just adapt to his lifestyle and recreational pursuits if they make you uneasy ,uncomfortable or unhappy. Unluckily at some point you could have to accept that your values and personalities are too widely divergent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015): I noticed you must be no older than 35 so I didn't think that was too much of an age gap to be honest. But then you said about having children, being your age yes it will start to become harder having a child.
I was with a boyfriend who was 9 years older than myself and he took drugs, but his drug taking made him paranoid and he did so many awful things to me and other people. He was caught drink driving, he went to jail for assaulting somebody, he lost his job more than once. Bit of a mess to be honest.
But your boyfriend doesn't sound that bad if he just becomes talkative and it doesn't effect his personality all that much. He's started cutting back on drinking for you and he said he is going to try and stop the drugs and he's right it will take a bit of time. In my opinion he doesn't sound that bad and has proved he's willing to change as he's stopped drinking so much.
I know a lot of women who have a glass or two of wine every evening because somehow wine is not frowned upon, I have no idea why! But I don't think a glass or two of whiskey is that bad! I live in Britain and maybe our drinking culture isn't the best but a lot of men go out to the pub after work and drink a pint or two. Men are advised not to drink more than 3-4 units of alcohol a day and a single 25ml measurement of whisky is 1 unit. So he isn't going over this every day.
I don't drink very much and I don't take drugs so in no way am I saying that I agree with what he's doing but I also really think he could change by what you've said. If you love him surely you could wait a bit until he does change for once and for all.
I think the big issue is if you want a child, you really need to think hard about this as it will become harder to conceive as time goes on. Have you asked him if he will stop if you have a child? If you conceived while he had drugs in his system it could effect the babies health in a bad way.
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