A
female
age
30-35,
*llemjay
writes:I love my boyfriend. He loves me. We've been together for a year and lived together since 3 months of dating. I lost my last boyfriend who I lived with my all heart to a drug problem I was helping him fight for years. My boyfriend was with one girl for 10 years and they have a 3 year old son together. They split when the baby was 1 and 1/2. I think she's a lesbian now, but I don't know she's seeing someone, so I'm not worried about her. We fight a lot. He gets so angry, and is very over-protective; jealous(assuming because of his ex). I asked him today where his )$1200.00 pay went all week, it's only Thursday and we didn't buy anything crazy. No groceries or anything to show where he spent so much money. This has been happening every week. I asked him about his spending habits and he got angry and stopped speaking to me(regular). I'm not perfect, I get drunk sometimes and cause fights over dumb things, but I'm concerned now that I can't ask him things... Like where did $1200.00 go in 5 days? He swears he just "doesn't keep track". Seriously though, even just wreckless BS spending wouldn't be that much. What to think? And why he got so mad? I really don't think he is cheating he comes right home.. And has always had bad signs of just a wreckless spender, but that much? We recent moved to NY from Jersey and I quit my job with him asking me too, and threw it in my face that he's the only one working. Help!
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drunk, his ex, jealous, lesbian, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Hi
When people get overly angry about something it is usually a way of putting you off asking again. He doesn't want to discuss it, which means he is probably spending it on something he doesn't want you to know about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Possibly gambling/high class prostitutes/drugs? Unless he is in debt to someone like a loan shark/mafia? Something very odd there. Does he have debts that you aren't aware of? I'm not sure I would want to be with a person who did this kind of thing with money.We all make mistakes but this sounds like "normal" behaviour for him, is that right? The fact he gets defensive about it is even more telling. My ex blew 100 euros in a couple of days on smokes, beer, gambling and weed and I was livid. He wasn't working and used to ask to borrow money from me after blowing money he needed for his own debts. I am now ultra-cautious about people who do this kind of thing and have this attitude.If you want a future with him - and I would think VERY carefully about that - then he needs to be 100% honest with you. Ok, someone said you're not married etc etc but you are together in the same sense if you are living together. You CAN'T have a future with a person who blows money and is dishonest about what on to boot. You need to say this to him. Think of YOUR future. If he loses his job and you are the only one working at some point, what happens then???? Will he take yours? It happened to me.Think VERY carefully.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2015):
 What to think- alas nothing good. Gambling,or drugs, or hookers. You are correct, even reckless , mindless spending would not burn such a big, fast hole in his pockets. Having lived in NY for long time, I am familiar with that typical NY sensation that you haven't bought ANYTHING, still, a subway token here, a cab there, a couple of bucks to panhandlers, a stop at Starbucks, lo and behold you come home 20 or 30 bucks lighter and you can't really say HOW it happened . But one thing is , say, losing track of 120 in a week, and another losing track of ten times as much. So, I am skeptical that he really does not know, more probably he knows and does not want to tell you because he is sure it's something you'd give him grief about.
Although, alas, techically he's right, you don't even have much ground to give him any gtief- you are not working, he is, and he is supporting you- without being your husband, your fiance', the father of your children, nothing.
You are just dating , as of now, the fact that you are sharing space is incidental, because there's no formal, legal or moral committment, and this arrangement ( your living together ) may change in a heartbeat- he's taking care of you out of " the goodness of his heart " and this puts you in the vulnerable position of someone who is not entitled to too many questions.
Let's hope that common sense prevails, since , whatever your relational status- you both still have got to eat ! , and let's hope that , as Honeypie suggests, you can catch him in the right mood, convince him to sit down with you, work out together with some sort of a budget to which you should adhere while you are still looking for a job ( which I recomend you to start, or keep, pursuing with dogged determination )- and that he is willing to stick to this budget , giving up his most expensive habits, whatver they may be .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2015):
 Have you found a job yet? If not get out there and find one or.. at least LOOK for one.
Sit him down and tell him ,hey since we are ONLY living on one paycheck (his) don't you think we should make a budget so we won't end up with no food, water or electricity.. or worse getting evicted due to no rent paid...
Then tell him:" I will DO my best to FIND a job and start helping pay the bills. But for now WE are living on YOUR paycheck.
Whether his ex is a lesbian or whatever is irrelevant. He has to pay child support.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): "What to think?"You've made a huge mistake in allowing yourself to become financially dependent on a guy whom you knew is financially irresponsible and has no legal obligation to support you while having a child he is legally obligated to support, especially when you have a volatile short-term relationship marked by your tendency to get drunk and provoke fights."And why he got so mad?"He's probably of the mindset that it's HIS money so he is free to do whatever HE wants with it, and given your status as a short-term shack-up girlfriend with no legal claim to his assets he would be technically correct in that assumption. As far as where the money goes, absent any signs of substance abuse my first suspicions would be he is a compulsive gambler and/or is heavily indebted to a predatory lender. Unfortunately those are the types of secrets that are easily hidden when one first moves in with a virtual stranger.I respectfully suggest you seek counseling in hopes of gaining in some insight to the root causes driving you to make very questionable life decisions.
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