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female
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*ouiseBaker
writes: Hi, I desperate for some advice because I'm so confused over this situation. Basically I met this bloke when I was 17 and he was 26. He's part of the regular town social scene and although he's not that amazing looking I'd always had a bit of a thing for him. One night when his crowd were out celebrating a mates birthday, he'd been really chatty to me all night and asked me if I was going to this club later. Whilst we were in the club he couldn't keep his eyes off me all night, and we ended up kissing, one this led to anther and I ended up having sex for the first time with him. I was really shocked after though, as he confessed that although he really liked me he was engaged to someone else! I was really gutted and felt totally used. Although we'd swapped numbers, I certainly didn't expect him to call, and felt really bad for his fiancée. After that night I got various calls from him, and although I was angry I felt sorry for him because he started pouring out all these problems to me and I ended up being a shoulder to cry on. I ended up having really strong feelings for him, and since that night I've bumped into him loads of times, and although I tried not to, we've always ended up together at the end of the night. This has been going on now for the past 4 years, although I have only ever had sex with him twice because I like him too much and refuse to be used by him in that way. During this time he broke up with his fiancée, then I didn't see him for a while, in which time he started going out with someone else, who he is still with. I also have a boyfriend who I have been with for a long time. The thing that is doing my head in is that fact that throughout the past 4 years I haven’t stopped thinking about him, and whenever I see him out I get this buzz like nothing else and butterflies in my tummy and neither of us can stop looking at each other all night until we end up kissing. Is he just using me? This is probably the case, but what I can't get is that surely if all he wants is sex and he's not getting it from me then surely he would have given up by now and be flirting with other girls instead? And if he doesn’t have feelings for me then why can't he stop looking at me all night and why does he always end up in all the same bars I go to? I don't know if age is the problem as he has brought this up a few times in various ways, or I have heard rumours that he doesn't have that much money (he tries to make out he's minted but I know he's not) and moves in with women who have money. Please help, I know he sounds horrible but I just can't help my feelings for him!
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broke up, engaged, flirt, kissing, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2005):
 You are living in a fantasy world kiddo. If he wants to be with you he'll be with you. You only have yourself to blame if you think he's using you. Move on with your life.
A
female
reader, Mirabell +, writes (5 November 2005):
 If he wanted you as badly as you wanted him he would want to be with you. In a real way. And he would make an effort not to make you feel used.
You are with your boyfriend because under it all, you know that.
Try not hooking up with him the next times you see him. At least till you're single. He will respect you more. In addition, cheating on your boyfriend with a guy basically tells the guy you're cheating with that you can't be trusted and are a good two-timer. Unwise.
Be with one or the other, and don't give in. Show some self control, it will pay dividends. Trust me, I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): I think that you're in love with an illusional thought.
And that thought is that this man is in love with you.
He is clearly confused and immature. A man in love does not do these things, no matter how he looks at you or what he tells you.
Remember, actions speak louder than words and this nonsense has been going on for 4 years.
And I think you are confused also. If you are with someone, and it's a serious relationship, you should focus on YOUR man and take him out for a nice romantic walk in a park, or give him a nice massage when he comes home from work.
If it's not serious, and if you're not married with children, dump him, and get your head cleared out before you decide to pursue another relationship.
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (4 November 2005):
It's interesting that you say he is using you. It would seem to me that you are not the victim in this and viewing the relationship in this way is clouding your judgement. It sounds like there is a special connection between the two of you.Isn't it called Kismet?
Time to think about what you want to do.All the options are there for you to explore, and all you have to do is figure out what you want, and then go for it. Remember, you can make this as complicated or as easy as you want. You are in control.
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