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When we argue he calls me the most horrible names. This feels like emotional abuse.Normal or not?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2014)
A female , anonymous writes:

I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. The question that I have is, whenever we have a fight he says really nasty things to me and calls me names, he says that he just says it in the heat of the moment and there just words. It really puts me down, is it normal to say horrible things in a fight.

When he says hurtful things to me, he expects me to be over it straight away and forget what he has said to me, I can’t seem to forget the things he says, it’s always in the back of my mind. He says that everyone says nasty things when there mad, there just words, why does he do this, is this right.

I feel like I do love him, but I am so fed up, after every fight I want to leave. I feel really unhappy inside, I feel fed up of being happy one minute and sad the next, I don’t know if I should leave or try make things work. My family keep saying its emotional abuse. Why is he treating me like this, I don’t know what to do. When I tell him that I still have on my mind what he said to me the other day (the names he called me and that he insulted me) he says “can’t you just forget it, there just words, have you forgotten why I did it, everything’s about you……. Etc etc) (long story but- I lied to him about some wheels he put on my car, I understand that I shouldn’t have lied, but I just don’t see why he has to call me names when he is mad)

He then tells me he is sorry and that he loves me and that everyone says nasty things when they are mad. I don't know what to do, is this emotional abuse.

View related questions: emotionally abusive, fiance, puts me down

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A female reader, tinybear United States +, writes (31 March 2014):

i just left a two year relationship with a man i love more than anything.He too resorted to slut, whore, and cunt when he didnt get his way. He never apologized. He did this in front of my 9 year old son a few times. I told him if it happened again I would have to leave him. Eventually it led to physical violence which he got arrested and my family and I packed up all my stuff and moved me to another state. Within days he was texting me that he was sorry and how much he loved me. I know he did but i said he had to see a doctor and get to the root of his anger before I would deal with him again. He said he hated himself for hurting me and would fix it. Again , I insisted on the doctor. He texted me with the same language because once again he was mad. Not talked since. Some people have mental illness and will put you in serious danger. Leave at once before something very bad happens yo you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

My husband also rages and calls me nasty names when something sets him off. He blames me, never apologizes, & then acts as if nothing ever happened the next day... He's always extra nice to my son who is old enough to know what's going on. Rat & fat cow would be nice compared to being called the "C" word... I'll ask why he is upset& his same response is always "you are what's wrong". I've become a lot stronger in 6 years & I told him nope you don't even know why your angry. He is wonderful the rest of the time, but like most people I have a heart & he has taken me for granted too many times to count. It's an every 3-4 month pattern for him. In other words I could say or do the same thing every day & then one day he just goes off... He gets in my face & screams F you and go away at the top of his lungs...I do love him, but it's not enough to keep me there any more. I don't know what to do...I do agree this is absolutely verbal abuse and he never apologizes...ever...

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A female reader, toesta United Kingdom +, writes (25 February 2008):

I have been with someone for 6 months and i love him more than anything and i never want to be without him. He snaps over the slightest things and calls me the most unforgivable names example slag, dirt, dog and rat. After he has calmed down he says sorry and he loves me i just make him snap. He says i am dopey. When he doesn't snap he so loving and romantice. I really do love him and can't see alife wthout him. I have started to hate life now and that is selfish considering there are far more people worser off than me. I don't see friends anymore i feel so lost.

Please help me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

hi, im in the same kind of relationship, my bf cn be really nice thn last night we argued and he called me a fat cow cz i was unhappy about him lookin at porn, and i told him, but i personally think to talk to him, 4 yrs is along time, iv been with mine 4 5yrs

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006):

Wow...what a loser.

Sorry but a man who cannot take responsibility for his words, deeds, and actions is far from a man.

A man would own up to the harmful and hurtful things he has said and done, apologize, and commit to not make those same misgrievings against you. That is what an honest, loving man would do.

The Twit you are with needs some anger management first off. He gave into his temper tantrums too many times, he gave in to his rage too many times that he has now let his anger and rage control him. The peverse truth about such people; they enjoy it. They get a high off of it.

The fact that he puts it on you by saying you are being "overly sensitive" and "I didn't mean it"...shows he is a creep and has little consideration about you and your emotional, mental, and most likely physical needs.

It's all about him.

It's more than emotional abuse; you are being manipulated and held hostage by his rage.

They are not just words. He knows the meaning of the words, he chooses those words to inflict damage, he delights in hurting you with his ugliness.

And you shouldn't lie no matter but this is what women of abuse do...to avoid abuse. It's a darned if you do, darned if you don't.

Sorry is when he apologizes and then works to not do them again.

He's a loser.

Set some ground rules please.

He has to register and complete an anger management course.

You attend 12 to 18 couple's counselling sessions.

Walk away from him when he starts; and you know when he is about to explode-there are signs and you are familiar with them.

When you feel he is about to explode; tell him you are going out for some personal time (take an hour).

When he wants to discuss matters which you think will lead to an episode...have a mediator or friend present who can remain neutral and keep things on track. This is what a couples counselor would do for you both.

You- seek some individual counselling.

Set a limit of your boundaries...say if he hasn't changed after couples counselling...it's over. Or if he doesn't attend anger management it is over.

Then you need to keep to what you promised yourself.

Be fair to yourself, love and respect yourself.

Best Wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006):

No one deserves that sort of treatment. Full Stop! You are unhappy inside as you said and you deserve so much better. But your family is right and you do need to leave him. Be strong about it don't let him get to you so much. It will hurt at first but you'll survive and in the end you'll be a thousand times happier then you are now ...believe me I was in the same sort of relationship for 3 yrs and I had to leave and it was the best decision I have made ... relationship wise. Do yourself a favour and leave.

Good Luck ... Update us xx LeilaChick

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