A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please excuse the length, but I really need some advice. I've been dating the same woman for over 5 years and recently we've had some serious troubles. To make a long story short, I recently moved away for graduate school (just 2 hours away) and she's remained in the city for work. I visit her often (approx. once every 1 or 2 weeks for the weekend.) Shes been quite depressed recently, in addition to being overworked and exhausted, and I've struggled to keep open contact with her as shes always too tired to talk on the phone, skype, etc. She's been spending inordinate amounts of time at a local bar, drinking heavily, and in addition (which I recently found out) essentially going out on dates with one of the bartenders - by dates I mean: dinners, concerts, house parties (just the two of them.)Not too long ago, after keeping track of her behavior I confronted her about what she had been doing and said that I was uncomfortable with her going out alone with this other man. She's always gotten along better with men than women yet I still asked that she not spend time alone with him as I wasn't comfortable with it. She assured me that she wouldn't do anything to hurt me or abuse my trust but that she didn't have many outlets in the city and that she enjoyed his friendship. Well, just a few days ago I found out that she hadn't been honest with me and in fact she had been emotionally (and physically) involved with him. This wasn't so surprising because approx 1 month ago she had an outbreak of genital herpes (which in nearly 6 years I've never seen before.) However, she assures me that they didn't have sex - but admits to cuddling naked with him in his bed and dry-humping, making out, fondling, etc. At the same time she admitted that approximately 2 years into our relationship she had a similar encounter with a co-worker. In both of these instances we had been living apart and essentially in a long-distance relationship due to conflicting school and work locations. In addition, in both instances she said that she did these things because she was an escapist and instead of working to build our long-distance relationship and keep it strong (because it took energy) it was easier for her to wallow and drink her problems away and spent time with another man who she didn't need to expend energy on. I'm a good man, I'm open and honest and love her dearly. I've never cheated, thought of cheating, or had temptations to do so. In addition, I'm fully committed to her and want to marry her and build a family. But the truth is I feel let down, beat down, hurt, and wounded. I wonder how I can trust what she says about not having sex when she's openly lied about her relationship with this man to my face until I confronted her with hard evidence (semi-naked pictures she sent him via email.) With her outbreak of herpes, this is made even more difficult for me to believe. Am I truly to believe that she's had it this whole time and it's been suppressed until JUST the time I find out she's been cheating? She's a good person at heart, but she needs help...My real question is: what should I do? She now says she's been 100% honest with me, and has agreed that she's going to seek help. She's joined AA, and attended meetings and it's clear she's taking the right steps but I'm still questioning things. When there is a history of lying, how can you rebuild trust? Am I making the right decision by sticking with her and trying to rebuild this or am I just holding on to a dream? I really appreciate any thoughtful and mature advice...
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male
reader, Afterglow +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Wow, dude...you are going through it. Here is what I have to say to you. You have to honestly look yourself in the mirror and ask "What do I deserve in a partner?". I truly feel that you should receive what you give. If you are truthful, committed, honest, respectful and thoughtful and most of all, self-respecting, why in the hell would you not want that in return. Do you not think that you are worth it?
Now, I understand being in love and really caring for someone to the point of putting their emotional state before your own. But, I am sure you are intelligent and aware enough to see the folly in that. Let's be honest, if you were a woman, and a man did to you what your partner has done, there would be no question that the man was a liar and pig and you should save yourself future heartbreak and mental agony. But, because this is a woman, you are feeling as though you have to override your won self protection in order to tend to her destructive behavior. You stated that just a FEW DAYS AGO, you found out that she was "playing you for the fool" and was messing around with this other dude. ON TOP OF THAT, she bring HERPES to your door step...REALLY??? And you are still questioning what to do. Listen, there is nothing wrong with being a good guy. Hell, I am a great guy. BUT being a good guy does not have to be synonymous with being a DOOR MAT. Where is your sense of self. What are your life's goals and aspirations? I am sure they don't include being the personal towel boy for a person who is basically a mess.
Now, she claims that she is now being 100% honest with you. Interesting, a new concept to ponder...a lying cheater claiming 100% honesty only DAYS after getting busted.
Dude, she can't be honest with you until she is HONEST WITH HERSELF regarding the issues she has that allow her to participate in such inappropriate behavior.
Here is what I WOULD DO...See, I know my own worth and value. More so, I have many goals and life endeavors I plan to accomplish. This means, I have to PROTECT my mental health. I would not devalue myself by continuing to participate in a relationship with someone who directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously devalues or discounts my value in the relationship. If we are partners then I expect to be met half way and treated as I treat. That being said, there is nothing wrong with you keeping the hand of FRIENDSHIP and SUPPORT open and available( UP TO A POINT). If she follows through with the AA and the "seeking of help" then you could be in her life as a FRIEND who is able to give emotional support.
As far as a sexual relationship, you should take this time to prioritize the really important things that you want to accomplish and experience in life. Potential partners will come and go. To forgo your ambitions for the sake of a flawed and destructive relationship is simple irrational and not worth it..
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