A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When is too soon to move in together? I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We are both happy together and I feel he is 'the one' and says he feels the same. He's 34 and I'm 30, he still lives with his parents and I have my own place. He will come over one night during the week and stop a few hours before going home as we both work full time and have early starts. Then usually at weekend he'll stop over Friday and Saturday night. I've been getting upset lately that we still have the relationship of a teenager, I would like him to move in and we've had the discussion. He says it's only due to financial reasons that he can't make the commitment. He owes money and is paying it back which means he's on a budget and wouldn't be able to contribute evenly to the household. I would be happy with this but he says it'll be like 18 months before he's straight! Call me impatient but I don't want to wait that long. I want the security and commitment of knowing I'm in a serious relationship. It annoys me that people who have known each other less time have already moved in together. I don't want to push or be a nag it just bothers me a lot. Any advice?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Well I think roughly that it is fine to move in together once you have been together for a year, and then obviously any time after that. If you move in together before you have been together a year it is a bit rushed and you dont really know each other well enough to committ to something as serious as moving in together.
So in your case - yes you have been together a year, and good news is he wants to move in with you! But I think he is being very sensible here, he wants to get his finances sorted before he makes this committment and that is the right thing to do. Living with parents is the easiest way to save up money quickly, yes it is a little bit immature but cant be helped.
Did he mean it will be another 18 months before he sorts himself out? Or in total it will be 18 months, meaning you only have 6 more months to wait? If it is the latter - then 6 months is nothing so it would be best just to be patient and wait for him to get sorted. But if it is another 18 months on top of the year you have been together, and he works full time - then this would be a problem. Because if he works full time, and lives with parents - he should be able to save money very quickly unless a) his debts are MASSIVE or b) he is on a VERY low income. Both of those scenarios would worry me, you dont want to be involved with a man who has a poor career that is very low paid, nor do you want to be involved with a man with huge debts.
Even if he is earning a good amount of his debts are not that bad - then it suggests he is not taking his savings seriously and spending money on things he should not be.
If you know the answers to my questions above - then please reply and I will advise you from there. But if you dont really know the exact state of his finances and you dont really know what is going on - then you need to talk to him. It is not nagging, you just need to sit down and have a sensible conversation about your future. Not a row - just a calm chat where you both get to voice your feelings and opinions.
In your case, you need to explain that you feel you are currently living like teenagers and you want to feel like you are in an adult, secure relationship. Tell him that you understand he needs to get his finances sorted and you are pleased he is getting that in order, but you are starting to feel like that is coming at the expense of your relationship. So to move forward you need to know a little more about what he is doing with his finances to help you understand the situation and to put your mind at ease. Explain that you dont need him to go into too much detail as you understand it is private, but you would just like to have a better understanding of what his task is so that you wont feel so upset with the situation.
So all you can do is have a good talk with him and see if you can meet in the middle at all, or whether you really do just have to wait. I mean, it really is not worth breaking up over if he is 'the one' - I guess good things come to those who wait! I totally understand his reasons, and he is right, but I would be concerned if I were you about why it is taking so long unless he is on a low wage, has massive debts or is simply not saving enough money each month and spending it elsewhere. It will do you good to get the bottom of it, even if you find that there is nothing you can do for 18 months at least you will fully understand why.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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