A
male
age
30-35,
*ilitaryman1234
writes:Okay. To answer my question I strongly believe you will need my whole backstory. So lets just jump into it. We met at 16, it was bliss, romance, and teenage rebelion at its finest. She was perfect and at this moment i knew I was in love. We hit our first milestone 7 months into this relationship. Yep she was 17 and pregnant. Despite all odds we managed We stayed together and decided to really start our family. At 18 we moved out together. At 20 we got married. Everything was amazing. I mean we had our fights About money. Dishes. Stuff like that. But nothing a movie night and pizza couldnt solve. Well lets fast forward just a tad bit. At 22 I decided to enlist in the United States Army. She was accepting but still upset about me leaving. Thats why i joined the reserves. Well im off to basic. Its rough but im enduring. Well here where it starts to get dark. About a month into basic. I get to call her for 5 mins. She confesses she cheated on me. With my childhood friend of many years... we couldnt discuss it further because i was only allowed 5 mins. I was heart broken devastated just... broken. But at the same time i wanted to make this work. Because over the phone she was crying begging for forgiveness. I can almost understand how this happened. I was away for the first time in 6 years. She was alone. Depressed and vunerable. And my ex friend took advantage of all her feelings. I was pissed but i knew we can make it threw this. So graduation from basic comes and we get the day off base... im still angry but ended up having sex with my wife... so now im In AIT after basic. And my wife calls. Shes pregnant. CRAP. She Assures me when she cheated she was wearing protection and it could only be mine. But i had my doubts... So i get home from training and decided to take her word abd help her with her pregnancy. Now it gets even darker. My brother comes over to visit. First time we saw each other since i was home. And he tells me everything. It wasnt just a moment on weakness on her part. It was alot a lot of moments. There was feelings between my wife and my friend. And she would have never told me if my brother didnt catch them and make her tell me.... when she broke it off with him. She was crying.... Weakness and one night of mistakes i could handle. But feelings.... that broke my soul. I still hurt even typing this right now... Lets fast forward again. To present time. Its been a year. And i decided to forgive her again. But i cant have sex with her anymore without seeing him. I have lost all feelings for her. When she cries i dont care. When she tries to make me happy i dont care. I just dont care anymore. I recently decided its time for a divorce. But as all good stories the plot thickens. I leave for a year long deployment in less then a month. She doesnt know i want a divorce and i dont know how to do it. Should i do it while im gone? Should i do it when i come home? If i do it while im gone im afraid for her mental state and the well being of my children. If i come home after a year and just be like "Kick Rocks", what type of man does that make me?? Im so lost and hurt please any advice will help this beaten and battered soldier. Thank you
View related questions:
cheated on me, depressed, divorce, money, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2016): The child support DNA laws are not "wacky" or "religious." Those descriptions are not doing the problem justice.
The states collect money from the Federal govt for child support cases. Every innocent man freed of child support by a DNA test costs the state future income. State laws remain outdated because enslaving & imprisoning innocent men is better for the bottom line.
A
male
reader, Militaryman1234 +, writes (29 April 2016):
Militaryman1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Here are my responses to all these answer. First let me thank each and every one of you for taking time out of your lifes to try to help guide my pain and confusion into a more positive outcome, i carefully read each response and pondered every word carefully. So first let me explain this, :) The arrangment I made with my wife is that the only way I would stay and help her with this pregnancy is if at time of birth i would get a DNA test and if it was mine I would sign the BC. If he wasnt mine. I would file divorce and leave. She agreed. But due to wacky laws in my state the hospital said since we were married no matter what at time of birth my name was going to be on BC, And i would have to contest paternity through the courts with my own cash. So that was the plan. I needed to wait to save up some money. But durning that period i fell inlove with him. Hes my little man. Regardless of DNA, i will raise little man as my own. He brings out a happiness in me i havnt felt in years. And i wouldnt trade it for the world, :)Second. I never really put to much thought into divorce before i leave, i recently made up my mind that i even wanted this divorce. I guess i just assumed i didnt have enough time to get anything going. But everyone seems to think this is the best way to go. So i shall take everyones advice and start as soon as possible with talking to military JAG. I will get this rolling right away. Im thankful for this advice because honestly i wasnt even thinking of it I just wanted again to say thanks for helping and giving some words for thought. I will keep this site in mind while im over seas doing my service. From me and my two babies. Thank you
...............................
A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (28 April 2016):
Yes, I think you should talk to as many people as possible. And see if you can get a child support alternative, like buying the kids necessities and things instead of having to give your ex child support money.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2016):
 I agree with Ivy,
I would file for divorce and do a paternity test on #2. However, depending on the state you live in/he was born in - you MIGHT still be stuck with paying child support even if he ISN'T yours. There is an expectations that a CHILD born during a marriage belongs biologically and thus financially to the husband. So BE aware of the State laws. (they are whack by the way, they simply haven't kept up with the advances in DNA testing and goes more by the religious aspect of conception).
I would DNA test and divorce her BEFORE you deploy. You CAN'T (unless they have changed the rules in the last 5 years) divorce her from theater (that is while you are deployed) so GET the ball rolling.
You can (even if you are not religious) go see your unit's chaplain and talk it through. And again depending on what state/military installation you are nearest to, you can go to legal and get a list of divorce lawyers s legal DO NOT provide that. They do however provide all the legal aspects of wills, payments, allotments (finance will help with that too). You will most likely be expected to help with a roof over her and the kids heads till the divorce is final, and child support (maybe even spousal support for 12 months). It all comes down to what your lawyer can negotiate. I would also (don't think me morbid here) make sure that your military life insurance will put in trust for the kids, NOT given to her. THAT is your choice. Again, talk to legal.
Unfortunately, you have wait a bit long to decide on divorce. (with your upcoming deployment) - so contact legal ASAP, get a list of lawyers (there might even be a pro-bono in there as well).
There is no excuse for her behavior, and there is no instant fix to the marriage. You are miserable and my guess, so is she. If I were you, there is no way I'd stay married.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Sorry mate, what a shitty experience. Divorce seems like the right decision. Easy for me to say sitting here behind a computer but NOW is the time, before you go. That way the wheels are in motion, you have a better idea of whats ahead, freeing up a bit more of your mental space instead of mulling over things. Believe it or not, but I feel that you are already in a better state of reaching the point of not caring, which puts you one step ahead of getting your affairs in order with a clear head. Is there any legal assistance available to you thorough the defence force? Counseling support services are available for soldiers also if you need it, no shame in that. You sound like a very decent guy to still be concerned with her mental health after all the pain and betrayal she has chosen to subject you to. But you know what, that is her thing to deal with and not something you should let her use as a weapon against you or feel guilty for letting her sort her own shit out from a problem she caused. She has the same option to find help with therapy. Im just going to put it out there, you probably should have a DNA paternity test. Lets face it, supporting a child that may not be yours, IMHO too much further insult. As for you biological child, if you are concerned for any reason, now is the time to get your family on board to help you, especially while you are away. Ask them to be your eyes and ears and be involved with maintaining good relations, not only with her, but with your child. It will be very important to have them understand that being involved does not mean involving themselves with your divorce or whats happened. Rightly so should your family be pissed with her, but that could back fire with nasty repercussions for all. All the best
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Hi,
reading through your entire msg, i hear and feel your pain.
May i say, i have no idea what you are going through, but based upon everything that you've shared with us, my first piece of friendly advice would be, have you and your wife ever thought about trying marriage/couples couselling?
I would always leave divorce as a final option (last resort), but if you don't think/feel that counselling is going to make any difference, then so be it.
You have children, so you want to make sure that your children are going to be ok and that you will have regular access to see them.
Your wife may get very upset upon hearing of your wish to divorce her, although she made her own bed, but you need to think about the aftermath, especially whilst you're away.
She took advantage in some ways, of a very loving, committed and supportive husband. She blew it and that's really sad for her and for you, but in the end, you're better off single and happy, than married and unhappy.
I would advise you to sit her down, asap and tell her that you want to divorce her. Get it out of the way before you go, not one year after you return.
It'll be too stressful and too time consuming to wait.
I suspect your wife knows that there are issues within your marriage anyway, plus she knows what she did behind your back, so you telling her you want to divorce her, may not shock her to her core.
Do you think you could still remain on friendly terms with your wife, after you divorce and if not for you, for the sake of your children?
Remember, your children are a part of both of you, so always be fair on both ends.
I wonder if you will require a Lawyer down the line, especially if your wife tries to stop you from seeing your children, out of spite, hurt, anger.
Only you know her well enough to know what she may do or may not do.
I wish you all the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): I understand how you feel and I'm so sorry about what you have gone through. Being far from home is hard enough. I assume the child is born as you mentioned it has been a year? have you done a DNA test to make sure it is your child? it will help you making your decision. I'm sure many will tell you to get divorce but being there done that when you have children it it just so painful. I wish I could forgive and work on it insted of leaving. The damage would be so much less. It is all your decision but if there is any way to give it another chance please consider it. You will be away for just a year or more? it is more difficult to make a decision in your situation but I think is better to act on your decision when you are home. I believe people can realize their mistakes and really regter their decisions and if someone is not in a good mental health the chances are higher ,still I don't want to justify what she did, but you maybe able to work on it. When you are home sit her down and talk to her mention the divorce and start from there and don't rush, you can be seperated for a while. Make your decision when you are certain if it's what you really want to do and please consider her and your children too. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (28 April 2016):
I'm very sorry for what you have gone through and are still going through. I don't think that either option is very good. To end a marriage over the phone in a few minutes conversation? Or to have her wait for you and then divorce her the minute you come back? I think you need to tell her now. Before you go. That you want to separate and divorce. It might not be feasible to get everything sorted out before you leave, but just so the both of you know where you stand. And can both maybe take the time to start to move on and heal. It doesn't sound like her or your mental well being is in a good state right now. I'm a believer that divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be infinitely better than two people being miserable together.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): Have ever seen one of those situations where a guy is making a classic mistake, and it's SO obvious to everyone else, and the smarter thing would be SO easy for him to do instead, and it would save him SO MUCH trouble in the long run, but you just know he won't do it?
Paternity test that second child.
That child might be yours but you would be an idiot to assume it without proof. There is nothing noble about being taken advantage of for 18 years.
...............................
A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (28 April 2016):
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know how you've managed to handle all of that. To be blunt, I think your wife got pregnant by you twice totally on purpose. The first time so she could move out and the second to make you stay despite her cheating. So please don't have sex with her again unless you use a condom...or just don't have sex again at all. But if you divorce...I think you should look up some post divorce stories so you know what you're dealing with a little more.
I think you're completely right to want it, but I have stories in my own family where women use the divorce to torment their exes for revenge. And there's plenty of stories online about that. So even though you'd be right be prepared for complications post divorce...
...............................
|
