A
male
age
51-59,
*umblestick@hotmail.com
writes:So I have come to a fork in the road and I need some objective advice. I admit a lot of what brought me here is of my own doing. But nonetheless here goes.My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two girls. It was one of those warm stories you hear about two people who knew and liked each other for many years but the timing was never right – until one ‘chance’ meeting.In a short few words, I allowed my marriage to run on auto-pilot. Now, I wasn’t out with friends all the time; or at the bar. I was home but I wasn’t home. I was often busy keeping our house in good repair; or fixing things - all the things a handy guy does. When not working, I was relaxing by reading or doing my things. I didn’t recognize my wife was ‘alone’ while I was doing these things. When the kids came along, I was still busy. I didn’t go out and enjoy family time. I neglected the every day things like grocery shopping, movies, trips to toys r us, etc. I did help out around the house cleaning, laundry, bathing and putting kids to bed, but just not enough. I neglected my wife. She would sometimes walk by in negligee while I was relaxing reading or maybe watching TV – or maybe not wearing anything at all. I would look up and smile. My God! What the hell was I thinking?! I missed so many of her hints.Over time, I began feeling alone as my wife was with the kids and her mom (who lived with us to help look after our girls while we worked). And I did my thing whilst she did hers. I did a few things I shouldn’t have. Like joining facebook. My wife berated me for joining so when a few old PS friends I haven’t seen since the late 70s suggested meeting up I went but lied as to my whereabouts. I thought if she didn’t want me joining – how would she feel about this? Big Mistake. What bothers me is why didn’t I ask her to come with me?! One new years eve a drunk friend sent me an inappropriate text message. My wife looked through my phone and read it before I knew it was there. So anyway, those are two examples of how I unraveled my marriage and lost her trust and maybe even her respect.I knew things were different. So when she asked me to attend counseling one day and I did happily. During these sessions I woke up and realized what my actions were doing and what her actions were also doing (after all, it wasn't just me) So from that point, I began making changes. Slowly but surly my behaviour changed – I still had a lot of work to do though but changes were happening to address her concerns.She was broken (her words). And distant from me; never coming close to me again, no intimacy (not even a hand on the shoulder) for over a year. Even after my trying, things seemed to get worse. This went on for almost two years. I became frustrated that my actions were yielding no acknowledgement or remotely making things better. Nothing I tried, said or did seemed to help. She was always broken, bitter and resentful. Over two years with no end in sight, I grew very tired of living in the doghouse and the constant punishment (although she says it's not punishment). Day after day, resentment, bitterness and always looking backwards she would. I don’t deny I did wrong and deserve what I got – but this has simply gone too far and too long.Many times, I warned her that not letting me out and by pushing me away and out of her life would likely result in pushing me right into someone else’s life.I was convinced that after a few years of trying - nothing was going to change. I left on July 1 and she just watched me go with no word. I was convinced she didn't want me or my heart anymore. I would never overcome the bitterness and resentment she held toward me. I left saying we'll take a break for a short while and see where we stand. We still talk, and it seems quite amicable.But during this time, my belief of her feelings (belief is all I have, she won't tell me anything) and my thoughts have resulted in my wanting to take a different path with someone new. I told her the truth when she asked about it one day and she seems surprised. But she says she wants to be fair about separating. In the meantime, things do surface like why I am not bothered by the prospect of her dating as well. I tell her I feel like I lost her a year ago; I’ve done my crying. She now wonders if I loved her at all.I do love her and the list of good things still very much surpasses that of the bad. I feel that after counseling and trying to do things differently – after two years there should be progress but there’s none – just more isolation, mistrust, bitterness and resentment.Should I try to come back and risk her still being broken and me being held in the doghouse? Or should I continue the new and promising path with a new and wonderful person who knows what I did to entangle myself in this but isn’t judging me and so wants to be with me as I do her. Signed: out of the doghouse but it cost me my marriage.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 You probably can still save this provided you both try hard enough. On the other hand it would be perfectly fair of you to want out if two years of trying have yielded no results. You seem pretty aware of your situation and the factors involved so I'm sure you'll be able to take a decision.
Be wary of rebound relationships though. You may not quite be ready for one. I'd also not recommend ending your marraige 'for' the new person. If you chose to walk out from the marraige, let it be on the merits and demerits of that relationship and not for the temptation offered by the new one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Im not undrstanding exactly what you have done for her harsh reaction. I understand her reaction as if someone that had been cheated on and thats why she is broken and wont show you affection. Have you asked her if she loves you? Twelve years with someone and children. You committed all that time making a family and sharing your life with someone. I think you should fight for it just a little longer. The someone new has passed no judgment because it's always nice when it's new. What about the kids, what does your wife want? Have you done the right thing, it seems you have found someone new rather quickly or was this person already around? Anger comes from being hurt. Anger can be very powerful and can last many years. Maybe your wife is so hurt she doesnt know how to act but still loves you? Still has hope herself but cant show it?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (20 July 2010):
 You can still get her back.She was the man in the relationship, am I right? By your words. She told you not to join facebook, she checked your phone, and she decided to go to counseling...Not you.Instead of stepping up and meeting her man to man, you just carry on, la de da, as you slowly changed. You went from not doing anything with your wife, to changing your ways, and...not doing anything with your wife.What did you do to get her in the first place? What was it about you she fell in love with? What was it about you that made her decide to marry you?I am sure it was not the la de da man you are now.So...You want her back...man up, demand her heart, capture it like you did so many years ago.Please don't dress like you did back in those days...Well, you can, it sure will start her talking, or laughing.Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 July 2010):
 From the sounds of it, you attempted to make changes after the counceling, but she was not receptive, and didn't make an effort. Ultimately I think you answered your own question. If you've already gone through the greiving process about this relationship, it's been put to rest.
A word of caution, I would not get involved with this new person until you figure this out. You are in the infatuation stages of your new relationship. Before you do anything that would permanently jeopardize a return to your wife, decide if you are going to give it another go.
Personally, I'd lean toward making the separation final. You were both to blame for your problems, so fixing them should be a two way street too.
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