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When I think of my boyfriend losing his virginity to his ex, I get sad and angry...

Tagged as: Sex, The ex-factor, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2005) 16 Answers - (Newest, 28 August 2007)
A female , anonymous writes:

I've got a problem that I can't seem to get over. I love my boyfriend more than I could explain, but I can't seem to get over his past.

A few months before we got together he lost his virginity to a girl he didn't care about. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes angry and depressed. Every time I want to have sex with him I see them and it makes me resent him.

I don't want that to be a part of him, I don't want him to remember it, and I don't want it to mean anything to him. He reassures me that it means/meant nothing to him and it's the one thing he wishes he could take back. I need to get past this in order to have a good relationship. I've been trying so hard but nothing seems to work, please help me!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007):

I was trying to find an answer to my dilemma and I found this forum. Unlike most of the people here I am a male reader and you may not believe me but I am in the same boat as you are. My girlfriend and I have started dating for a month now, but I recently learnt that she has lost her virginity 4 years ago to this boy 3 years younger than her. 1.5 year long relationship and they broke-up soon after that event. Apparently they were planning to marry, but the boys family wouldnt allow for she was older than him. I am a virgin and an extremely jealous person at that. I love her dearly and had already made plans for marriage. She feels the same for me, yet just imagining her with another man, even if it was in the past, is driving me crazy. The fact that she is living overseas is an additional pain. She says it was a one time event that happened because they were both drunk, and that she hated herself since then and have never been with anyone until now and neither has she ever touched alcohol ever again and never will. She was crying really badly when she explained all this to me, for she was sure she had lost me. We both love each other very much, but I dont know if I can ever get over it. Just as some of you, I had kept myself for the one and now it seems to me that all that waiting was for nothing. I decided to leave the matter to time and make a decision by january if I mean to continue this relationship or break-up with her. She is such a special person though, I dont think I can ever meet anyone like her ever again. The fact that she had 3 boyfriend before me doesnt bother me, but I am crushed by the fact that I did not have the privalage to be her first and last. I dont think I am helping you, but I just wanted you to know I am with you in this dilemma.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

I know exactly how you feel. I waited for my present boyfriend to have sex. I love him with all of my heart and we are basically engaged. He told me about it how he lost his when he was 15 and slept with this girl who he thought he was going to marry like 4 years later. It still hurts me so much that he didn't wait for me. He's a really strong Christian like me and always wanted to wait till he found that girl he was going to marry. But it still breaks me up inside that I waited and he didn't. I know I can't change his past and I know I would change a few things that I did in mine if I could too. But everything happens for a reason. So maybe it is to teach us a lesson. A virgin is such a rarity in the world today, and to lose your virginity is such a big deal that I wish people would realize what they were getting theirself into before they do it. I don't regret giving myself to him and I will not give myself to anyone else. But it still hurts to think that he didn't wait for me.

I would tell you to not bring it up to him and deal with it on your own. It's a hard thing to do, but in order for you to get over it you need to realize that you will never fully get over it. Part of you will always be hurt, but to make the relationship stronger you need to just think about how much he means to you and if you're willing to give yourself to him. If he is worth it to you then do it, because it sounds like he is. But only you will know for sure.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006):

I think you are painfully understanding, that by dwelling on his past sexual indiscretion, you are single-handedly destroying this good relationship. So yes..this problem is yours, not his..you own this one, hun. You are making this into a major issue because you are dwelling obsessively on it and that is not healthy. What is causing this? You have insecurities about yourself, that need major work..you need to learn to build yourself up and gain a sense of self-worth. Until you do this, this problem will haunt you. As far as I'm concerned, his one night with some girl is irrevalent stuff, it's done..it's over with.. and you must change your attitudes and slap those negative thoughts out of your mind, once and for all or you will lose this guy. Time to wake up, dear and start looking at the beauty of what you share with him. Ask yourself this, "Is fretting about your partner's sexual past more important that who he is now?" As long as he loves you in the here and now....as long as he's loyal and faithful to you in the here and now...as long as he cherishes you in the here and now...that is ALL that should matter. This all comes down to you and your insecurities, dear. Work through this-do what it takes...talk to trusted friends...talking to a family counselor..but get over it or you will lose him. Please, just love him for who he is now but most importantly...learn to love yourself and gain some acceptance in your mind and heart for something, he cannot go back and change. The ball's in your court, hun... good luck and be strong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006):

why should u be bothered about such a thing. if he has lost it so be it there is really nothing he can do to regain it back. just be happy that he is in love with you and treat with respect. what more do u want? you are going to ruin your relationship if u dont get over this obsession.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006):

I'd just like to say I too am in exactly the same position, except I knew the guy online first. I knew he was The One the first time I msgd him and we were good friends on msn, he confessed to being a virgin and I just wish I had made it clearer how I felt about him because one night he lost it with this girl who he fancied but they were always really just friends, but because he had been with his ex for a year and they never had sex and cuz they had recently split up, he just thought "sod it" and did it. I think he did want to be exclusive with her at one point but I think she didn't stick to it. Anyway my heart sank the next day when he told me, because I really really liked him, and I had perhaps naively thought how perfect it would be if we were to eventually lose our virginity together. He ended up ending it with this girl fairly shortly partly cuz she was sleeping around and doing tons of drugs and stuff. However some time later in the spring he said he really wanted to meet me so we met up (at which point we had known each other for a year, talked practically all the time online, and had gotten really close). We met in August, (each of us with a friend for safety btw) got on famously, and it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone.. and the next time he came down he asked me out, and he then later that week he said he loved me. I slept with him a few months later, and we are still going out a year and a half later!! :) but well the point of this story is to say that even though what we have together is amazing and better than anything I could ever have dreamt for, and he says his first time was awful cuz this girl was just like "go for it" and hardly even moved, that yes of course its still going to hurt if u think of someone u love shagging anyone else, thats only natural, a possessive evolutionary instict even, and this is only naturally going to be heightened by the fact that it was an important part of his life of which I wasn't part. For me perhaps it doesn't help that he was my first anything, so u know how it is, I can't even when he brings up his ex girlfriends, parry any careless comments due to the fact that I also have a past, because I don't, so perhaps it makes dealing with the fact that there were Others harder. I think ive sort of got over it now, u can't force urself to, cuz u just think about it more, and get upset and then angry at urself for getting upset, so u just end up angry and upset, and hurt. but for me it has gradually in the grand scheme of things just become less and less important, partly because we have such an amazing sack life :P but also because there are bigger and better things to have to think about, and as long as u ultimately feel able to talk to your b/f or g/f if something is troubling you (and talk, not nag nag nag) then it is the fact that u have such a good relationship, and on keeping it so and on developing it and being there for each other as you both grow, that u should be concentrating on, instead of wishing it had been another way. There is nothing u can do to change what happened, it is part of his life as are many of the bad choices that u have probably made in yours, but u shouldnt dwell on them, just take comfort in the fact that he listens and understands and helps u to overcome these anxieties that made me so shy I only had my very first kiss at age 18. and people say I could be a model (although I still can't quite see it..). :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

i think you just have to realise that he loves you more than his ex and move on, and have a happy relationship. lucy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006):

Well just try talking to him about how you feel,and he will probly understand what your saying.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006):

I am sorry. You need to get over your obsession. Nowadays you are not going to find that perfect guy. That's like me looking for a virgin. That's asking for too much. Well good luck because you are going to need it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006):

JUST TRY AND BE HAPPY, HE SAID THAT IT MEANT NOTING WELL NOW YOUR WITH HIM MAKE THE MOST OF IT AND JUST CONCENTRATE ON YOUR RELAITIONSHIP WITH HIM.....

MOST GUYS HAVE HAD SEX BUT WITH ALOT MORE GIRLS JUST GIVE YOURSELF TIME TOO COME TO TERMS WITH IT AND YOU WILL BE FINE.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2005):

I feel so sorry that you have to be going through this as well. I know exactly how you feel, and I know how much it hurts. I am trying so hard to stop feeling so resentful over the way my boyfriend lost his virginity, and damn, it is hard. As other people have said, it is really painful to know that you are losing your virginity to someone who lost his virginity to someone else (this is what happened to me), no matter how much you love him. I've tried everything to help myself forget this, but I'm finding it a real struggle. I even posted on this site recently - my post is in the virginity section, and talks about how my boyfriend lost his virginity in a tent to a girl who told him she didn't like him the next day. People weren't half as nice in replying to me as they were to you...someone told me I was crazy, and pretty much everybody said I had no right to feel this way. I know I have no right to feel this way, but I can't help it. So I'm not going to give you the usual cr*p about it being none of your business, because once you've made it your business it really gets to you, and just when you think you're feeling alright about it, you'll think about it, and it jumps up and bites you in the bum, chewing away at you again. All I can say is at least your boyfriend was with someone who was actually his girlfriend, or at least from what you said, I assume she was. Mine was really f***ed over by this girl, and I hate her for it. He tells me it was the worst experience of his life, and it meant nothing, and he wishes so hard that he can change the past. I think I'm beginning to accept that he can't, and that he made a mistake, but I still feel really sick when I think of what happened. I've forced so much detail out of him that I can picture them together exactly. I am surprised that other people actually feel this way - some of these situations describe mine so exactly, and it's quite comforting actually. I can't really give you any advice, because none of the things I've tried have completely erased this from my mind, but keep talking to your boyfriend, and try to let him know how you feel - he'll understand eventually. Please don't resent him - he probably resents himself for what happened. And don't get angry. That's one thing I've finally stopped doing, because it only made him angry with me, and then I'd feel even worse. Although I am ashamed to admit it, this has been bothering me for almost a year, and I think it's high time I got over it, because it's started to depress my boyfriend as well, and I don't want to bring it up all over again for him - he has worried about it and hated himself for four years. I love him so much. I feel a little better when I tell myself that he didn't even know I existed when it happened, and I know that if he could look into the future and see me there, he would never have lost his virginity, or had sex with any of the girls that came afterwards. All his relationships went stale, and he hates the fact that he didn't wait for the one he wanted to spend his life with. We are actually engaged, and I don't want this to ruin what we have. I'm sorry for going on about myself so much, but I just really needed to explain to somebody who would understand. I don't think anybody can really give us advice on what to do because every answer posted comes from that person's point of view, and in my experience, I haven't found anybody who sees how I feel as a problem, people just think that I should be able to put his past behind me. I know it's history, and I know it was a mistake, and I desperately want to be the way I was again. I refuse to break up with him over this, and I know it will get easier with time, I just hope the revelation comes quickly, for you, for me, and for all of us.

Best of luck,

Polly

x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2005):

I don't really have an answer to your question (i'm sorry). But i thought it may make you feel better to hear that i'm in the exact same situation down to the details.

We aren't alone.

One day we'll figure out a way to get over this... don't worry.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2005):

I too am a jealous person and hate the idea of my boyfriend losing his virginity to his first girlfriend (possibly I am envious because I personally lost mine to someone who I wasn't in a relationship with and wish I had waited). You're probably not going to get over the jealousy in an instant, and I would strongly advise you not to lose your virginity for any other reason than that you really want to, that you trust your boyfriend, you enjoy kissing, cuddling and more, and want to take that step. Take things slowly and keep talking to him about how you feel. Tell him what he means to you and reassure him you don't blame him, but you have trouble accepting the past. It might not make much sense to him but if he really cares about you he'll wait and do his best to understand. Concentrate on all the good things in your relationship that are just between you too, that he has not shared with anyone else and never will. It'll probably be a gradual process and the jealousy may never completely go away, but you can train yourself to enjoy the present and not dwell on the past.

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A reader, Shahriar +, writes (26 July 2005):

Having sex with a virgin as a virgin is a very bonding experience, and it can only come once in a lifetime. So, don't lose your virginity to him if you are not comfortable about having sex with a nonvirgin or else you will regret it afterward for the rest of your life. I am a virgin, and I will not lose my virginity to anyone. I want to give it to my one and true love in exchange for hers after marriage. If I can't find a virgin, I will choose to stay a virgin for life. I am a jealous person. Perhaps you are too, and your jealousy may be out of conscience and instinctive. So think carefully about how you would feel after you have lost your virginity. You may wish not to lose your virginity to anyone, but to give it away to your one true love in exchange for less. If this is the way you feel, break up the relationshit, and don't compromise on this issue even if they keep telling you that you will never meet a virgin in the future for marriage. Good Luck

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A reader, becky05 +, writes (14 July 2005):

All you can do is try to forget about it. As time passes this will grow easier. Listen to your boyfriend when he tries to put your mind at ease, this means he cares! I hope it all works out for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2005):

Girl, you need to stop this "insecure jealousy" thing you have going on or you will lose this guy. Your bf is honest with you about his past, including his feelings. That shows he trusts you, which is a sign that you two have a great relationship. But unless you start having more confidence in yourself and in him, you risk losing this great guy! So what! He had a past..we all have pasts. Time to move ahead & not keep dwelling on "stuff" you can't change. Give it up, girl.

Have a good talk with yourself and decide once and for all to leave his past behind. YOU are his present. Know that, and be happy about it! Don't test his love, and don't say insecure stuff that can make him wonder if you really trust him. Accept that things are good, and the only person casting a dark cloud over things is you.

Realize your value. Despite all your feelings of insecurity, there is a reason you are together at this moment. You deserve him, and he deserves you. Believe in yourself. You ARE good enough.

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 July 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntYou are going to have to be a lot firmer with yourself and frequently tell yourself to let his past go. He has reassured you that it was a mistake so there is nothing more he can do, its all up to you.

Only you can get past all this if you try. Everytime you see them in your mind together, tell yourself to let it go. Remind yourself that you are with him now and if you want to have a future with him, then you must try to forget his past. It has nothing to do with you, we all do things that perhaps we shouldn't. You shouldn't resent him for it.

Use distraction and remember that he wants to be with you. Tell yourself that if you don't let it go, then you will more than likely lose him. Do you not have a past too?

Perhaps you are virgin and you wanted to share the first time with him and with him being virgin too but life isn't always that perfect.

Accept him for who he is and strictly tell yourself to let his past go.

Good luck.

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