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When I picture my future I don't see anything

Tagged as: Family, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 8 September 2010)
A male Germany age 36-40, *4s3 writes:

Argh. I'm gonna try and make it as short as I can. I'm 24 sitting in my parent's house who I don't really like cause they're selfabsorbed damaged controlling narcissists and the family is pretty much broken and they don't take any blame for it. They sabotage any attempt of me and my sister to become independent...that's a big thing in this whole deal I guess...So I sit here all day watching youtube, or reading whatever on the internet...waiting for someone to contact me over facebook, or e-mail...none of my old friends contact me, or they contact me but I'm too afraid to fully answer about what I'm doing etc., or meet up with them cause of what I have become...a complete reclusive weirdo really...and I have no idea how the hell I ended up here. I'm usually a guy who doesn't like people who pity themselves and whine. I was a funny outgoing guy in school and would often hang out with older people.( I know, supercool oO ) Just want to stress the transformation here. I was shy at first, but when I warmed up to some people, then it kind of snowballed from there and I was outgoing and confident with other people in the school. But I'm sitting here and my former self or sense of identity has been unraveling the last couple of years. I have absolutely no clue about myself anymore. I don't reckognise myself anymore. I have lost complete touch somehow, I wonder why none of my old friends contact me, although I always went by the rule, rather a couple of real friends, then many fake ones..not a peep from them and I thought I was really close with a couple of them...Even worse, on facebook you can see them answering others, while ignoring your posts. It's weird and you think there's something inherently wrong with you, or real friendship doesn't exist and it's all lies and that leaves you wondering, well what's the use...I tried being real friends with these guys and as soon as they move on they drop you like nothing and find their next moron to fill their time. Well...anybody who was willing to read all that shit won't mind me driveling on a little bit, ( I hope) The thing is...cause of my father's job I have been traveling aroung with him ever since I remember...every 4 years the whole family moved to a completely different country. My memory of my past is a complete scramble of little bits and pieces. I don't have any roots, I can't really say...This is where I come from and that's who I am...I lived a nomad's life basically, finished school and got dropped of in Germany, where my dad's from...like...go make something out of yourself son. My father is a complete fucking narcissist egomaniac asshole, nearly psychotic even...he's a politician...he never helped me, or even had a normal conversation with me...ever. If he talks he puts on a mask and talks all grandiose,loud and allknowing. You can tell it's a weird shortlived show somehow and when the mask comes off he's just this hateful guy who never talks and ignores your very existance, unless he makes fun of you or needs someone to do something for him. If you criticize anything he does he will look at you with complete disgust for days. I don't know how to explain it. Being in the presence of my parents is a weird corrosion of your identity to begin with. They have constant need for you to feel inferiour to them. I thought I'd pretty much protected myself from it, but judging by my current situation apparently not. So...Here I was age 19, in Germany, no idea how anything worked, or what I had to do to get insurance, anything basically. My sister organized a dormroom for me though and helped me with the university application. I don't know simple things where local people of course look at me as though I'm a complete moron. Im half tunesian, so Im a "foreigner" which doesnt help much, cause Germans are kind of racist. So me not knowing basic stuff about how things work means Im another annoying ignorant dumbass immigrant or whatever. I have no idea where my talents and interests lie, cause I couldn't develope any being dragged along every 4 years, coping with the new surroundings, new school, new people. I started out being very good in school, especially math and physics but by the third or fourth move I was behind in the new school and got increasingly shittier marks. The only thing that really mattered to me at that point ( 14 -16 ) and that I was good at was soccer and I had a pretty good shot at going pro, or semi-pro, cause at the time we lived in Germany, but we moved again...to China, cause my father doesnt give a fuck about what I did and I think that was the final blow and the beginning of my current situation. I was 15 then...after that I gained 20 kgs in one month, started smoking and drinking. I managed to finish school, but something was missing in those last years of school. So...Everything I started that mattered to me and I was good at, was taken away from me like it never even was. I broke off university cause I couldnt keep up. I went to the German army and ever since then I've been seriously depressed but unwilling to admit it I guess. Cause, I don't like to pull the racecard, but in the army it was pretty obvious. I look like an arab, although Im completely German and with the war going on I guess they had extrareason to dislike me. It was the first time strangers managed to break me down to where I started crying infront of other guys. At that point I was extremely vurnerable anyway so I guess it wasn't hard for them. The officers singled me out and even the other recruits noticed. When I picture myself in the future now I don't see anything. I feel completely useless, powerless and broken. My thoughts are empty. The one thing I could count on was my logic and creativity. But now...as I said in the beginning. I sit in my room psychologically damaged from the army...which was the final blow. I stumbled before that and that shit knocked me down to the ground and tore something in me. I act like an obedient slave now...which would be a good soldier, but in real life that mentality is not so handy...I don't know what to do. It's all a big scramble. I feel like giving up. Funny how life turns out.

View related questions: depressed, facebook, move on, shy, the internet, university

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A male reader, n4s3 Germany +, writes (8 September 2010):

n4s3 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

n4s3 agony auntJust noticed in rambling on I say I had 2 final blows...let's call the second blow the final final blow then :/...allright...Lilpixie...That's the first thing you got out of this? The need to defend Germans about being racist?...*sigh*...allright...There's no racism whatsoever in Germany...Except for this military base I was stationed at where the majority of the soldiers were East-German. That was just flat out racism all day long. Unfortunately I don't have any money I can't move out.

Thanks Mandy...uff...you hit the nail on the head about the moving. Thanks for saying that :)...Yeah me and my sister have come to the conclusion that both my parents suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They fit the bill perfectly and if you've ever read a little about the disorder, that's exactly what they're like. Can't even describe they damage they leave behind. My older sister has been in and out of therapy for 6 years now. Thank you for the link I'll check it out. ;)

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A female reader, LilPixie United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

LilPixie agony auntI would really like to know what part from Germany you're from because I'm German and no one I know from over there is in the least bit racist. Maybe you were just extremely unlucky to move to an area where they are...

Although I haven't moved as many times as you, I know what it feels like to have to move to another school. I was 11 when we moved over to England and half way through year 6 (I was put straight into year 7 over here though), I only knew extremely basic english as we'd only just started learning it that year. So, I had to start school in a new country, in the middle of the year not understanding what anyone was saying. I even had to go to french lessons even though I didn't understand anything. It took about a year before I could understand more and do some of my school work.

Is there no way you can move out? I know it would be hard but I think getting away from your parents would probably be best for you. You'd have a chance to do what you want in life, meet new people, make new friends and most importantly the chance to be yourself!

I know this probably isn't much help, I just felt like I had to post something to this.

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A female reader, pepper27 United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

pepper27 agony auntHi Hunny

Oh my god!!!! You have been pushed from pillar to post most of your childhood no wonder you couldnt settle and get on with your studies and dreams..Everytime you moved you had to get to know different people different teachers who didnt no you so didnt no your capabilitys so you just had to keep trying to proove yourself over and over again..It also doesnt sound like there is much love in your family from your parents, I mean if my situation was the same as your parents I would be extremely concerned for my children and the affect it would have on them...

Sweetheart Im not supprised you feel the way you do, I would say this has been coming on for along time and now you are lost. I will send you some links about depression I hope that may be a start in helping you find a way forward..When we feel so low we think others are ignoring us we feel no one cares and we get so paraniod about just about everything.

I thing you need to see someone and talk, Get all this out and hopefully some sense will come of it all....You no sometimes when we feel this way we dont feel things will ever improve but I have been through some pretty bad times and I have become so much stronger for it..

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

I hope this helps even just a little, If you need to talk some more please feel free to message me TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXX

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