A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years and I feel like we have a normal sex life. We have sex at least once a week, sometimes more if we're not busy and stressed and so on. But the other night we were watching tv together and he started trying to rub me through my pants and be all suggestive and I just found it irritating and squirmed and told him to stop. I was just enjoying our relaxing evening and not in the mood. He got huffy and said I never let him initiate anything, and we only ever have sex when it's my idea.I realised he might be right. I told him when I get suddenly horny, I go to him, it just strikes me randomly. He asked "So is it not allowed to strike me randomly too?". I know he has a very good point. But he can't turn me on when I'm not already turned on. His advances just annoy me. It's like having a fly buzzing round me when I'm trying to do other things. Unless I'm already turned on, 9 times out of 10 I will probably turn down his advances, because I'm just not interested at that moment. On the other hand, he always accepts my advances.Is there something wrong here? He says he's getting frustrated and I totally get where he's coming from, but I don't want to get to a stage where I have to grin and bear it and let him do what he wants without being into it at all. I don't want to feel like a sex doll, because I had that experience with boyfriends when I was younger and I hated it. I only want to have sex if I'm in the mood, and especially lately I've been really tired and stressed and haven't felt the slightest bit sexy. How do we figure this out without him feeling rejected?
View related questions:
horny, in the mood, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): Everyone has a different apatite but once a week in your 20's is off the charts. When you were a "sex doll" with other guys how often did you go at it? Maybe you felt forced with them and you are over compensating with this bf. Try playing out wild fantasies. My wife will go clubing with the girls and dance with guys, and she'll be horny as hell for weeks. It's not so innocent but it works. The benefits out weigh her slut night out. We have 10 other things to spice things up. I'm sure you can thing of a few.
Also have you talked about marriage? My wife went from oversexed to nymphomaniac once we got married.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (12 May 2019):
 OK thanks for the follow up. I don't mind being called silly. He has some problems, but I would like to concentrate on things you can do.
1) He doesn't "feel" rejected. He is Rejected. You are under 30, live together, have sex weekly like a 60 year old couple, and you reject his advances 90%of the time. He doesn't like it. That was what his little spat was about. He is thinking he can get a better deal elsewhere. And unless you are paying all the bills he Can.
2) Being the dominant does not mean you are In Charge. The submissive man is a rare find and he always has the option to turn you down, or just walk away. A submissive relies on their dominant partner to take care of their needs. You are a selfish Dom, and only care about him when the mood strikes you. Once A Week.
3) At 3.5 years your desire has likely become more responsive than spontaneous. We know for sure that you are not High desire. In order for responsive desire to work you have to take the attitude of "let's try this for a while and see where it goes. When you slap him away at first pass there is no chance for a response. You can always say no if you don't develop interest. You use No as your power tool. Yes is more powerful.
4) That little outburst about initiating was his way of putting you on Notice. He is letting you know that he is on the way out. He is Not happy. Ignore that warning at your own peril.
It would be a shame to wreck your future just to finish up your degree. There is no better stress breaker than sex. even if you use the vibe he needs to be involved. He should be your partner in accomplishing your goal, not a distraction.
BTW WiseOwlE is correct (as usual) you are punishing your current long term partner, for the sins of your ex. That has to stop. You are keeping him around specifically because he is not like your ex. Reward him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): This is the OP. There's a lot to respond to here. The one saying he'll stop calling is just a bit silly and irrelevant for starters, we live together.I will admit that I can be a bit mechanical about sex. Kind of literally, because I almost always need a vibrator to actually orgasm, which means I often feel like I may as well just do it myself. I love doing things for my boyfriend sexually though, and often I do just decide to do something for him without taking anything for myself. I do give him love and sex and affection. I love seeing him happy. It's just him turning me on that's the issue.If I'm perfectly honest, I've never found him especially "sexy". He's just too nice and innocent for that. He's a sweet and kind person, and we make a good team. He's someone I can see myself raising kids with. We're so comfortable and content with each other, I can't imagine being this way with anyone else. But the friendliness of our relationship means sex is something I could take or leave a lot of the time... It's just awkward to me when he tries to act sexy and turn me on, because he's not really that kind of "sexy" guy. It doesn't come naturally to him and it just feels forced. I am attracted to him, but I would say he's more cute than sexy. He's definitely quite submissive and I'm more dominant. So it feels natural to me to me the initiator.The fact that I'm coming to the end of a master's degree right now isn't helping any of this, as that's where the stress is coming from. Once it's over, we'll be able to do more things out of the house. Maybe things will improve then.I'll take a look at the Susan Bratton videos. Maybe they will help. Thanks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): Here we are again! At that 3-5 year mark in a relationship! The "make-it or break-it phase." No ring, no marriage-proposal, and passion is about to fizzle-out. All the steam has run out of the romance!
First, I would recommend that you see your doctor to be certain that you're not anemic; and there are no physiological-reasons you're so tired and stressed. You're not even 30 yet!
Lets consider this remark:
"Unless I'm already turned on, 9 times out of 10 I will probably turn down his advances, because I'm just not interested at that moment."
Part of your romantic-partner's duty is getting you in the mood and/or initiating spontaneous passion. No, you can't enjoy sex when you're not in the mood. Love usually keeps passion on the "ready-to-go" setting. Once the key is turned, the engine starts. If the engine sputters, maybe it's time for a tune-up. You may need to recharge and fuel-up.
Get out of the house. Do things together, break the routine; and take a day-cation away from the familiar four walls.
Get out and socialize, have some fun, and exert some youthful-energy. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Don't just lie around getting on each-others nerves; and squirming away from his touch. All domesticated and mundane, stuck in-front of a TV screen like an aging married-couple. That's predicable, routine, and boring!
Something is going on here. Maybe you're aware, suppressing your anger, or maybe you're in-denial. What's your old relationship got to do with anything? Leave that out of this!!!
If you don't like being compared to his exes, don't do it! That does more damage than you may know! If you've got past issues that need professional-counseling; maybe that's the problem. If you've got residual emotional-trauma, get evaluated by a therapist.
If he's a clumsy lover, coach him. Be sweet and gentle about it. Don't push him away or harshly reject him. He's not your ex, and shouldn't be paying for what he did to you.
No...he's not dating a machine, but machines don't have feelings. Sometimes people don't either. They shut themselves off, build-up walls, or hold-back when there's something wrong; but they don't know how to talk about it.
He can't always sit around waiting and twiddling his thumbs wondering when you might get around to showing him affection and wanting to make love to him either! Not every time should not be the time! He can always find it elsewhere. It won't be right, but he's a human being too! It won't be an excuse; but if he doesn't know what the problem is, he'll find his own way of coping with it. That's human-nature!
Perhaps your relationship is in a lull. You're both pretty young, and passion should be pretty high; unless you're totally sexually-incompatible.
If you have uneven sex-drives, you may never really synchronize. Being as young as you both are; that may become a big problem. All the same, he should be more understanding; considering his member can't always stand at attention on command. He can't read your mind or tell the future either.
Passion tends to plateau and dip when you've been together for awhile. You need to get plenty of rest, exercise, watch your diet, take vitamin supplements; and talk to each-other. Vent all your inner-frustrations, and get things you're internalizing out in the open.
If his love-making technique is boring and predictable; you may need to make some suggestions, or be creative. If you usually initiate sex; then you've got to try and be more spontaneous and creative to keep the passion energized. If it dies, don't be surprised when he becomes distant and unresponsive. He's not a vibrator in your nightstand drawer. He's a person with feelings and passions. There are two people in a relationship...not just the woman. That is, if we're talking about a heterosexual-couple.
Key-word...sexual. It's an important part of the relationship. Passion and romance, feeds the love and boosts the trust. If he's unromantic; then show him what would get him more of what he wants. If he doesn't know, educate him!
If you don't know, maybe it's because you don't care?
If you like to be romanced, gently coaxed, and teased; let him know. If you want affection like snuggling and kissing; tell him. Sometimes you don't want sex; but you need to some passionate foreplay, and heavy making-out. It might warm you up.
I guess I would agree, just groping or fondling you is not a turn-on. It's crass and irritating. Squirming and pulling away from your lover is not the way to handle it. You can be sweeter about it. Men and women are built differently; and our sexual-needs differ. Both genders need intimacy and passion.
Sometimes you need to refuel that sexual-energy. Don't be afraid to talk about sex. To share what you both need, besides just going through the motions. It obviously lacks passion and feeling; it's just a physical-performance, because you're horny. Get-on and get-off. Almost mechanical.
Wheres the love?
Oh by the way, opinions tend to always weigh against the guy in the situation. That's unfair. Relationships are a two-way street; and both parties are supposed to get some benefit out of being together. If you've got things on your mind, and you're feeling detached from the relationship; maybe you two need to talk about it. Maybe the relationship has run its course; and you no longer feel the attraction you used to feel for him. Is he just there to keep you company, and pay half the bills like a roommate? You're preference to being alone?
I don't care what kind of response this next comment gets; but we have to face facts, be adults, and deal with the truth.
He'll deal with it, until he won't!
If there are matters outside the bedroom, that are inhibiting action in the bedroom; it is best you both communicate and try to work it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 May 2019):
You are not ready to share power in the relationship equitably. Don't worry you haven't got more than four weeks before he stops calling. When you get to a point in your life that you are willing to to be an equal partner, your relationships will last longer.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 May 2019):
 Well, I have to agree with your BF, it's unfair.
But it's also understandable that you can't switch to "ON" mode just because HE can.
My advice would be talk it through.
Is it the WAY he tries to initiate that makes you shut down?
For instance, being groped is RARELY a turn on for a women. Or being poked with a hard on. It's also NOT foreplay.
So what YOU might NEED to do is consider WHAT he CAN do to perhaps get your motor running.
He isn't LOOKING to have you just drop your panties on command and "service" him. He is SHOWING you that he is ATTRACTED to you, AROUSED by you and that he CARES for you. He might be using the "wrong" signals to get the response he is hoping for.
When you are in a relationship you have to not only have boundaries that BOTH can accept but you also have to learn how to compromise and make EACH other feel loved, appreciated and desired.
And your PARTNER should be able to turn you on. It shouldn't just be when YOU already ARE turned on. After all, when you are horny and initiate, HE is willing and ready to participate. So what is HE doing that ISN'T working and what MIGHT work?
You might also consider that you two have different libidos. I think once a week sounds low, personally. But I think if he IS using the "wrong" approach that somehow REMINDS you of previous partners who made you feel like you HAD to perform without really WANTING to - nothing will change other than your libido might even go lower than once a week.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): If your boyfriend hasn't yet worked out how to seduce a woman and GET her in the mood, then I'm not surprised that you are not accepting his advances. I would feel the same as you so, no, I don't think you're wrong. I'm sure he must have heard that women are different to men. Maybe he doesn't understand how we're different. Maybe you don't, therefore you can't guide him on this. To get a woman to open up to the idea of sex when it's not on her mind at that moment, is to do what would get HER in the mood, which is NOT attempting to touch her between her legs straightaway. Men may well be fine with this approach for themselves, but for women, it does make us squirm, because it's too much feeling and sensitivity out of the blue.It's actually unpleasant for the clitoris to be touched when we are not already aroused, because it's SO sensitive. So he has to work up to that gradually. He also has to pick his moment. Trying to get you in the mood when you're busy and maybe a little stressed is not going to work and he has to realise that men are different in as much as they are often able to respond sexually very quickly whereas women can't do that as often. Women have to be warmed up gradually. Cuddling, kissing, light stroking of the arms or shoulders, a massage, some suggestive suggestions whispered that he knows turn you on. All this with no expectation of sex. The less pressure and the less rush, the more success! If he expects to come to you and for you have sex with him immediately if he's in the mood and you're not yet in the mood, that's never going to work. He has to understand that we are very different from men in this regard. You're not at fault, he just has to realise that he is dating a human being, not a machine. Get him to watch some Susan Bratton videos, either available on YouTube or they can be purchased. They will soon teach him how to get a woman in the mood for sex. It sounds to me as if he's going about it in the wrong way. Good luck
...............................
|
