A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’m around 50 and try to take good care of my appearance . My partner seems pretty disinterested in me yet is very interested and turned on by women in porn in their 20s. I understand that self esteem in an internal thing and that’s not really what I’m referring to here but I’m referring to that feel good feeling one has from knowing their partner finds them ‘ hot’ . This has always been a big things to me , feeling desirable and had turned me on a lot but now I’m feeling that I just don’t do it for him as I get older and that he needs younger women to find that same ‘physical’ desire . Is this something a woman in her 50s needs to just roll over and accept . Do we have to just accept that we will never be physically ‘hot’ to a man and just appreciate that we even have someone due to those other non physical qualities that keep the relationship going I just feel so sad that that I may never physically desired again
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female
reader, dee-meh  +, writes (25 October 2019):
Hi. I hope you are feeling better about your relationship now 2 months on. I have been having a lazy day, reading the problem pages here. This one made me want to respond as I feel your pain.I feel there are multiple answers to your question depending on what actions you take. You are the master of your own destiny.A1) yes she has to accept it if she stays with the same partner and does nothing different. This answer is the worst case and I’ve been there. I was in my 20’s at the time and very attractive. My partner then husband at the time used to watch porn behind my back. Now I don’t mind a bit of porn myself it never bothered me. However, his behaviour towards me both to do with his porn ‘habit’ and towards me in general, now that nearly destroyed me. I will explain further: he would watch porn on the tv at night when I was in bed asleep. He would then come to bed and wake me up to sex....very impersonal sex which was all about his pleasure and fulfilment. He never cuddles me after sex, he just ‘rolled over’ and went to sleep. He never complimented my appearance both in and out of the bedroom. He was only ‘touch feely’ And sweet when he wanted sex and constantly picking fault with me as a person (I’m a nice, empathic person). I would find myself feeling empty and unloved, I’d cry silently next to him after he ‘rolled over’ to sleep. The tears would flow and my heart would physically hurt but I was silent. I thought there was something wrong with me (like you do when you self-esteem is being chipped away). I found out about the porn because I kept finding his clothes including his underwater in a pile on the sofa or living room floor. WTF? So I looked through his internet history on his playstation in the living room. I was horrified to see that he was watching porn most nights for long periods of time after I’d gone to bed. I followed these links to see what he’d been watching. Obviously a lot of young women but I too was beautiful and young. He had a variety of things he watch which didint surprise me. What hurt me was him hiding this, how much time he secretly spent watching porn, that he’s watch it then come to bed and f**k me as if I’m just there for his release after getting horny watching other women (girls). Now I confronted him about this calmly but I admittedly escalated when he just couldn’t see an issue with it (lying, hiding this, using me for sex after getting horny because of others), he said it was normal and I was ‘crazy’ for being hurt. This was the beginning of the end for us. Other things started becoming apparent, I found he was signed up to hook up apps and messaging girls to meet up (he says it was innocent and never intended to meet them), again I was ‘crazy’ for being upset by this. His excuse was always that him looking at other women was MY FAULT because I’d put on a bit of weight (due to being on antidepressant because I was depressed putting up with his shit and feeling unloved/undesirable), MY FAULT because I didn’t always want sex when he did (he wanted sex a lot and I feel that we had a lot of sex)(the sex was very shit for me as it was all about his pleasure, in 13 yrs together he went down on me twice!! I must have given him thousands of bj’s and when I tried Ed to discuss it with him he blamed me saying he gets bored doing it because it took too long for me to orgasm, um 10mins is not long, I have had sprained neck muscles giving him bj’s for ages but you didn’t hear me complaining). I begged him to do more to pleasure me as I was unhappy in the bedroom but he ignored me and nothing changed. So in this sensation nothing changed in the relationship, not until I had enough and we split up/divorced (sad thing is I begged this man to get back with me for a long time after we split, mainly because the pain you go through to get over someone to horrendous).A2) you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself. So read some self-help books, try to change some things about your own behaviour which might make you more attractive again in his eyes. Age has nothing to do with attraction. Sometimes by changing how we behave, it has a knock on effect and changed the other person too. This may or may not work. All depends if he’s a self-centred jerk or not. A3) if he’s a selfish jerk, you’re deeply wounded and unhappy and/or can not feel trust with him.....move on, otherwise you are wasting precious time on someone who makes you unhappy. Heel yourself and you will notice men/women will be very attracted to you both physically and emotionally. Again, this has nothing to do with your age.As for me, I have been single for 5 years now. I’m 41 yrs old and happy being single. I am currently not looking for anything physical at the moment which is a life style choice. I’m enjoying it. I’ve let my appearance go lately and I’m enjoying not giving a shit. No-one looks at me twice and it has made me stronger because I know my own worth now. It took me years to scrape myself back together and now I have I will not let another man ruin me. Don’t get me wrong, I love men and when my youngest son Is grown I will consider a relationship again but I don’t need one to feel good about myself or happy. Mr right will come along one day, I’m not going to go ‘hunting’ for a man to be with. I currently think I’m beautiful and amazing and I’m over weight, let my grey hair grow through, dress down. I will never let a man influence how I feel about myself again (unless he’s building me up! Haha! On another note, I am a sexual person and I do watch porn maybe a few times a month if I’m ‘in the mood’. I tend to watch ‘gay’ porn because I like to watch men and ‘normal’ Porn tends to focus on women. Now these men can be young, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, it doesn’t matter. To me it’s not about their age or there bodies (ok, a nice body helps). It’s the act of sex and the sexual scenario/fantasy that is ‘hot’ not the actors themselves. Now in real life I would be horrified to be part of some of these scenarios and in real life would not get turned on at all, but in fantasy it’s very different. I get turned on by feeling desired (much like you) and that is why I was so unhappy in my marriage. I can still feel this desire through watching porn even though it is not aimed at me and it is a stranger on a screen desiring another stranger on screen. I’ve also found release through erotic fiction novels and story’s. If you desire to ‘put up’ feeling undesired by your partner then these may help you find an outlet. I’m single and I feel more for filled now then at any time before.Sorry this is long. Hope it may help some.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2019):
 Maybe you just have to accept that you'll never be physically " hot " in the yes of THIS particular man ? I mean, if he has a porn addiction, or even just a porn habit, he has basically trained himself to lust after ONLY a certain physical type and to respond enthusiastically only to a certain type of visual stimulus.
Maybe, in fact, probably, in fact almost certainly, if you met another guy who does not consume porn, or does it only very occasionally, or anyway has less involvement and less interest in porn than your current partner , this other man would you find you desirable and sexy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): You are not alone. I'm a woman in my fifties and I definitely need to feel my partner finds me attractive and desirable. It's a turn on to me and I believe many women feel this way.As for that tired old meme that men are biologically attracted to younger women because they have the need to spread their seed, I call malarkey on it. Quite a few men now days do not want the added burden and cost of supporting lots of kids by many women. I think we need to give credit to men for having evolved enough to have some common sense regarding that matter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): I really feel attacked here simply because I have the news to feel desirable by my partner . Why is it I’m being told ‘biologically men want women I. Their twenties ‘ that’s rather a broad sweeping statement isn’t it . Is it no different to me. Saying ‘biologically women need to feel physically desired by their partner’
It would appear that the double standard continues and even women are the enemy of their sister continuing to put down women who speak out about their needs and tell they just ‘need validation ‘ and they should ‘ try complimenting ‘ their man . Where did I ever say I didn’t compliment him .
I am now left feeling that somehow I’m wrong for even wanting to feel physically desirable . Perhaps that harsh aunt should have condensed her answer to ‘ yes of course you silly old lady ‘
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): Op here . I give my partner compliment and I should stress that this is not about ‘being hot ‘ it’s anout feeling like my partner find me attractive and desirable . This is not about validation this is about the feeling of being physically desirable to my partner . I have to add that I disagree with the aunt that made the broad sweeping statement that women in their 20s are more physically attractive . Although this may be the case sometimes personally I was overweight had severe acne in my 20s I was not ovulating and barely had any man approach me . Now in my 50s I feel more attractive am fitter healthier my skin in good and I I can say objectively I am more attractive . I know other women who are also more attractive with age . That’s not what I’m talking about . Please read the question again honeypie and understand that validation. Is very different to feeling sexually desired . In fact feeling sexually desired by a partner is a big turn on for many women that makes them want to engage in sex . That was what I was asking whether I needed to forget about with this partnicular man
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 August 2019):
 Biologically, MEN want women it their 20's. It's a fact of nature.
Women are the most fertile and have a higher rate of successful pregnancies. Another fact of nature.
However, that doesn't mean you can't BE appreciated by your partner at age 50.
And let's be honest here, I'm 50 and CERTAINLY not as "hot" as I was in my 20 and 30's. I know that and I'm OK with that. My husband doesn't CONSTANTLY praise me for my looks but for my deeds and actions. I would feel rather uncomfortable if he felt he HAD to compliment me all the time, I felt that way 20 years ago too, when I WAS hotter and younger.
I DO NOT NEED for my husband to validate how I look. I DO take care of myself for me, for him, for my daughters. I compliment my husband when I feel he should be complimented - like taking EXTRA SUPER good care of me after an overnight stint in the ER. THAT is one little aspect of what I appreciate in my partner.
What people look at in porn has NOTHING to do with reality either. Now if he ogles EVERY young thing you two pass on the street I's feel more GROSSED out than "devalued".
My advice? IF you want compliments from him TRY and give him some. When it's appropriate. It might prompt him to return some.
And lastly... what is so important about being HOT at 50? I have WAY more and WAY better accomplishment that that! and SO do you! I bet you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2019): There is no definitive answer to such a question as yours. It all depends on the people involved, and how good their relationship is. At best, it's a hypothetical-question.
If you love your mate, it's not a matter of finding them "hot." Hotness is a relative term. Do you have a fever, are you angry??? If referring to a measure of sex-appeal; that is more applicable to youth. It's whimsical to refer to more mature women or men as "hot." Although some are!
Now for a dose of reality. You don't really have to be good-looking to be sexually-desirable. Some people just ooze with sex-appeal; and aren't what's typically considered attractive by usual standards. It's a vibe and their confidence. Their swagger. Something from the inside that offsets their visual-appearance. Certain attributes that are unique and inexplicably appealing. Age does not change that. It sometimes enhances it. Like silver hair, rounder-curves, being full-busted, having a deep-voice, or being dreamy-eyed (aka having bedroom-eyes).
It's a matter of maintaining physical-attraction founded on having a real affection and chemistry for each other. Men get preoccupied with porn; because it provides too much variety and eye-candy. Far surpassing the imagination! Fantasy is a psychological-escape and coping-mechanism. Compensating for what we can't have, want more of, or don't deserve. Simply because by-nature, human beings are greedy! Rarely satisfied or thankful for what we have. We realize once we lose it, or have it taken from us. Like freedom and democracy.
The appeal of porn is due to it's unlimited and unrestricted subject-matter. An endless variety of characters, and sexual-scenarios. It is psychologically-designed to be addictive. It's a huge money-maker, because sexuality is a universal human-weakness; and masturbation is an inexhaustible means of self-gratification. It is totally self-indulgent, self-centered, and non-demanding. That has nothing to do with your hotness. Some women do look like porn-stars; and her mate may still like porn, and to masturbate to it.
Again, another OP refers to the man in the situation by the generic-term "partner." If the partner is your husband, you may need marital-counseling to get the point across that his attraction to porn over you is leading to a possible divorce. Like children, sometimes people need to be scared-straight; or face very serious consequences for their bad-behavior.
If he's your boyfriend; you've got the choice of keeping him, or letting him go. You don't work as hard at keeping replaceable/disposable-boyfriends as you do for husbands; who require legal-action to remove.
Husbands have a lot to lose when they misbehave; so an ultimatum reinforced by the full-intent to back it up, can be quite effective or persuasive. He may go into hiding and become secretive with it; but if caught, follow-through on your ultimatum. Don't make idle-threats. They'll become habitual, and have an immunizing-effect on a very stubborn-individual.
Most good-men "in-love" with his mate, remain physically-attracted to their "partners." No matter what. Age doesn't necessarily change love and physical-attraction towards your mate. I'm not saying it doesn't. Sometimes a poorly-maintained body, totally let-go, can't do anything for you. Coupled with poor hygiene; even love may take a pause when it comes to sex.
Tight-relationships stay tight. It's the shaky-ones women insist on clinging to, that are most likely to ruin how they feel about themselves; and ultimately how they feel about men.
Here's the typical reason men lose interest. It's not the nagging. It's allowing unnecessary people and/or things into the relationship; that distracts, arouses temptation, and causes conflict that breaks-down the relationship. Porn is a common "wedge" in modern relationships. It's a very divisive form of entertainment, most often over-used by men. Like drugs, it's appeal comes from it's euphoria-inducing qualities; but through masturbation. Which in itself, masturbation, can be addictive! Boys learn to play with ourselves at a very young age. We're supposed to grow out of it. Porn has that regressive-effect. It takes men back to being boys fiddling with themselves.
Bottom-line, either the porn goes or you go. You set your own limitations, my dear. You can't blame everything on men! Sometimes women get in their own way; and cause their own problems. Men aren't perfect, but we're not the reason you hate aging. Nobody likes getting older; but that doesn't always kill your sex-appeal. If you put your self-esteem in the hands of other human-beings; expect them to disappoint you. Regardless of your gender or age!
By the way, erectile-dysfunction is rarely the reason older-men turn to porn. If they can't maintain an erection, they can't enjoy porn and masturbation; while pulling on a limp penis. For some men who suffer ED, there are pills to help that. They take it to please their mates. If they love their mate, appreciate their relationship, and are truly faithful; she wouldn't be writing to an advice website for help.
Sometimes you have to confront the issues, offer ultimatums, and have the fortitude to stand your ground. Make a choice, me or porn. If he can't give it up; porn is his choice. Therefore, you have a choice to make too. Don't go blaming your age, or men. You can choose your man. You can't stop aging!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): My boyfriend and I are in our fifties. We both watch porn occasionally. Most of the women in porn are in their 20's so I don't find it to be too big of a deal. He is very complimentary to me. We've been together for eight years and we still excite each other. So no, I don't subscribe to the idea you should roll back and accept that you are no longer physically desirable to men.
It may be that he is addicted to porn and can no longer function physically in a real relationship. Google porn addiction and you will see that it's fairly common among men (and some women). You will also see the problems this can cause in a relationship.
Bottom line is no, it has nothing to do with your appearance or desirability. Talk with him about this but do not accept this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): Op here - Yes the rest of the relationship is good but that what I’m asking . Is that what I have to just be happy with now and accept that I will never feel hotnto him again? I know that he’s with me but I’d like to actually feel desirable as a woman to him and sexy to him not that he’s just with me because he can’t get the type of woman he find sexy ( which realistically he has no chance with ) . I’ve been in other relationships where I had all the emotional stuff that I have with him and felt sexy to my partner but now I’m wondering if because of my age and my partners obvious desire for younger women if I have to give that feeling up forever.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 August 2019):
 I think you need to separate porn and sex. They are two completely different things. Porn is easy. It requires minimal effort to achieve satisfaction. It does not require intimacy. The fact your partner is looking at 20 year olds in porn only means he is looking at standard porn in which most of the "stars" are young and pretty. It is not an indication that he finds 20 year olds more attractive than any other age band (although youth will always be its own beauty).
How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Do you connect on other levels? Do you have date nights and really talk (and listen) to each other? Lack of sex is often an indication that there are other things lacking in your relationship. Have you got into a rut and just become housemates?
I suspect, if you look closer at what is wrong with your relationship and try to fix that, sex will follow.
The other possibility is, if he is of a similar age to you, that he is having difficulty in achieving/maintaining an erection. Did you notice signs of this when you were still having sex? Perhaps a health check with his doctor could help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): Dear, I think that you should view the situation this way: we live in a patriarch system where they want ya to think that a man ages like wine and women are only hot in their youth. That’s not true, I ‘ve seen women who are smoking hot over their fifties. There are people who dig them more than inmature ones. Maybe your partner is the problem here. You’re looking in all the wrong places.
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