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Whatwas he trying to prove?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2017)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Had a major fight with my husband and then he went online (on my computer) and looked up ALL of his exes and past flings on social media!

Don't think he contacted any of them but why would he do that?

View related questions: his ex

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (14 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYour husband is passive-aggressive by the sound of things and actually, he's very "emotionally immature".

For a grown man, he still hasn't grown up "emotionally", hence his ridiculous behaviour.

Honestly, a quarrel within marriage, should not lead to that!

Most couples have quarrels, in all forms and shapes, but most won't head to their computers to look up ex's.

That's silly behaviour and totally childish, on his part.

Don't give in to that behaviour and you can pretty much laugh it off, because i doubt very much that he will talk to any of his ex's, nor go as far as doing the dirty behind your back.

If he was going to, he wouldn't have to throw it in your face during a heated moment. He'd just do it.

He's TRYING to make you jealous and get a reaction from you.

IGNORE HIM TOTALLY and only communicate when he calms down and can behave/reason as a mature adult.

Perhaps your husband is an argumentative type and gets some excitement from causing needless issues.

I don't know him obviously, but from what you write, it may be possible that he's this way inclined.

Some people have grown up in households whereby arguments, issues, silly behaviour and nastiness all appeared quite NORMAL to them, hence my prior comment.

Either way, worry not and i'm sure your husband will come to his senses soon enough.

In the meantime, just get on with things that make YOU happy and when he's ready to apologise, he will.

If he doesn't, then you let him know that you didn't appreciate his silly behaviour and you "demand" an apology.

Good luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 November 2017):

His dramatization was for the sake of argument and really just a hot-headed move. I think you both need to let the tempers settle-down; because he's starting to flip-out. That's a sign you've been pressing on something too long and you're not effectively communicating your feelings and concerns. You're both dancing around it to prove your particular point of view about the matter.

It's all ineffective noise and mayhem. Childish-tantrums. You kept pressing until he flew off the handle; and threw something in your face to allow you to have it your way. It was meant to sting or bite. So, he keeps a list of contacts on-hand of all his exes?

You both must be having a contentious debate about fidelity; and you must have a host of suspicions? You must have found some sort of evidence, or think you have, and/orn you've possibly caught him in a lie? Now you're trying to rub his nose in it, or force a confession?

So, what is the point of your argument? Care to share what it is you think you know; or would you like to explain what it is you've discovered? I can read between the lines, and speculate that this is about suspicion of his cheating.

Fights between couples are usually comprised of a bundle of issues. Things that have come to a head. It's usually several recurrent-issues; but you pick a favorite for the sake of argument.

Are you two on the verge of a divorce; or is this the major marital-issue you've yet to resolve?

We can better help with more details.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (14 November 2017):

YouWish agony auntHe did that to be petty and passive aggressive and get under your skin.

That's why he used your computer and looked up ALL of his exes and past flings, because it would piss you off. This is the equivalent of your cat jumping up onto your bed, walking to your pillow, and glaring at you while he takes a massive dump on it.

What he did is immature and ridiculous, especially if he's the same age that you are. He's taking a low blow at you. I don't know if your fight had to do with cheating or exes or anything like that, but the gist is is a passive aggressive "I don't like what you're saying, and I'm trying to make you think that I think they're all better than you are".

You can handle it a few ways, but the best way is to resolve the fight and not let it fester. DO NOT get sidetracked and focus on that, because that is what he wants. If you're in the right on this fight, stay right on subject and don't give him the satisfaction of letting him get a rise out of you.

You'd have to worry a lot more if you found maybe ONE ex on HIS computer or phone after the fight, meaning he's confiding with an ex. But looking up ALL of them specifically to leave an internet history trail on YOUR computer?? He wasn't looking them up. He was making it LOOK like he was. Rise above that stupid stuff. Adolescence ended years ago.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (14 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou probably already know the answer but you are looking for validation for your point of view. You had a 'Major fight'. How bad? Were blows exchanged or just words?

Essentially you got him so mad he is showing you that he always has other options if you want to call it.

Well do yu' pnk? (Sorry couldn't resist that)

I hope you make up soon. When my mum and dad had a fall out, mum could sulk for days. She could out-sulk anyone. Still they lasted until dad died and were 99 per cent happy throughout their marriage.

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