A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I accept who I am?for the last 30 years all I have been conditioned to want is 1. Get married 2. Buy a house 3. Make babies and compete with your neighbor to show who is happier - fancier - richer etc . My family is quite dysfunctional and abusive verbally and as long as I can remember my mother never cared about any of my emtions as long as I have these tbeee things .. I am in my mid 30”s and I am the only friend that isn’t married yet .. my girlfriends who grew up in similar “orthodox” homes drank the cool aid - dropped their whole lives and dreams to chase men and submit to them - now I see them like my mother gossip- competes and simply re-live her unhappinessI don’t know if I want to sign up for this to be honest .. I was in a relationship and I was unhappy - I stayed in the relationship because I wanted to submit to the above but deep down he wasn’t a good man and I was settling because my mother and friends told me I’m “aging”I don’t know if I want to have kids - sign up for a marriage that only is submissive or abusive- have children and alter my body or even sign up for a mortgage and have the anxiety of the payments .. none of these excite me deep down .. I have never connected with a man before I don’t know if that even exist .. I like the sexual component of a relationship and to be honest that’s really about it .. I’m not sure if the men I dated were to blame for the empty feelings but I did feel empty with both of themI am freaking out a bit because I’m in this confusing stage - I work long hours to save money to one day move by the beach in California and maybe have a partner and really that’s as far as my imagination goes to .. I Dotn know what love is and I don’t know if I can trust a man or accept these thoughtsWhat is wrong with me? I have been conditioned to want all these things above and I can’t seem in my most honest self to get excited about weddings- pregnancies - baby showers and to be honest the romanticism of loveHas anyone accepted this and understood what this is
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): Enjoy been a free spirit, it's a beautiful way of life and costs nothing, children, the world needs earth mothers, family, the world is full of lonely people, love, the whole world needs love.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): I'm exactly like you. Life is only exciting to me when I'm single. I truly don't see the appeal of being with someone else. I HAVE been married and it was fine, but we went back to being friends like we had been for years before we married and I was bored out of my mind. I kept thinking, 'Is this it? Is this how my story ends?' Happy ever after makes me YAWN. Life is so full of opportunities and options and exciting decisions, that, for me, don't exist when I'm with someone. Relationships bore and limit me. I recently read about a lady in her thirties who found that being in a relationship stopped her creativity. Because she couldn't fully relax and concentrate when she was with someone. She has opted to remain single so she can fulfil her artistic talents. I'm so sorry that you've grown up with someone who has tried to condition you to live life like SHE thinks it should be lived and you weren't able to go after the life YOU wanted without wasting all this time on your mother's dream. Don't worry if your wishes and wants and dreams don't coincide with the majority. That just makes you more interesting in my opinion and plenty of others' opinions too I should think. Learn what it is that makes YOU excited. Not the idea of domesticity and wanting nothing more but a clean kitchen. IF you're like me. Again...YAWN.I have travelled the world on my own and gone dancing for the last twenty years on my own and had a great time and all the better BECAUSE it was on my own I feel. I feel exasperated when people find out what I've done/do on my own and exclaim, 'Oh aren't you BRAVE!' No, not really. Not to me. Brave for me would be doing what I've done with someone else in tow. We are all different. And should be allowed to be so.I'm only interested in the physical side of a relationship too. I have no wish to build a family or whitewash a picket fence. I hate when I hear young girls being told, 'EVERY little girl dreams of their wedding day'. NO THEY DON'T!!My sister had recurring nightmares about getting married. She's 61 and has remained single and very happy throughout her life. Please don't buy in to this ridiculous belief that we all want the same things and should adhere to some plan worked out for us by others, and then be made to feel as if we are wrong when we don't 'conform'. I'm exited for you. When you start to live the life YOU want to live, don't feel any guilt that you're not like the majority. Who cares?? Have fun x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): You've come to the self-realization that you're your own woman!
You don't want to be part of the status quo; and you march to the beat of your own drum.
The problem is, you're scared of your mother!
You're an adult, but you're used to yielding to your mother's wishes; with the hopes you'll get her approval.
Parents who place conditions on their love and affection have to grow old and lonely to appreciate their children. Once they realize they no longer push your buttons and pull your strings; they either wise-up, or get left to grow-old all alone. Not your fault if mother feels pandering to her wishes is the only way you'll earn her love.
Stop rewarding/enabling/encouraging her bad-behavior! Grow-up! Cut-loose! Remove the umbilical cord.
Break the chain of emotional-slavery!
Live your life as you wish. Your mother will complain and say awful things. Only, you'll be happy; because you're free and independent! You did it all your way!
Write your own script, sweetheart!
Throw mama a kiss as you ride-off into the sunset to seek your own destiny! Send her gifts and cards on Mother's Day! Drop-in on her on holidays and special occasions. Learn to deflect her snide comments and insults. Seek happiness your way! Love her in spite of her ways! Empower yourself and set your own goals. You're free to modify or change them at anytime.
How can she make remarks about your age? No matter how old you get, she'll be much older! Most women outlive their husbands; so who's guaranteed to always have a man? If you don't really want kids, you won't offer them the love and attention they deserve. Don't have them unless you want them; not because somebody else demands you to procreate.
You'll cross that bridge when you get there. Maybe someday you'll have a kid, maybe you won't. You're free to choose!
Whose life is it anyway???
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (22 April 2019):
 Well, if there's something "wrong" with you, then I have the same "fault".
Knew from an early age I did not want children (you have no idea how many people think they have a right to question this decision, not only parents; my dad was the only one who "got it").
Never fancied the idea of marriage, especially when I saw how many marriages ended in divorce. Decided if a couple were to stay together, a piece of paper and a ring would not influence this one way or the other so have never married (and even had to end 4 relationships because the men involved wanted to get married whereas I absolutely did not!). Lucky enough to have been with my current partner for nearly 15 years without either of us wanting marriage. We are happy.
I did decide to buy a place of my own, but that was purely for convenience so that I didn't have to rely on anyone else for a roof over my head. Haven't lived in it for many years but still own it "just in case" as you never know what is round the corner.
I have chosen to do things my own way. Many have not approved. That is THEIR choice. Even more have failed to understand. That is THEIR problem. I am where I want to be and, if I had my time over again, I wouldn't change anything.
Be happy. Whether others approve or understand is THEIR problem. Don't make it yours.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 April 2019):
 I dont see anything wrong with you. It is society that is wrong in trying to conform everyone to fit into the same box. Why should we all want the same things? I think a change of scenery will do you good. Why wait? Search for work in California online and move right away!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (21 April 2019):
 Its called choices OP. Here in the USA we are lucky enough to get to make most of our own choices, others in the world are not so lucky. Why do you think you need to follow along with the crowd and do something just because everyone else (you assume) is doing it?? Be your own person, make your choices and as long as you aren't hurting anyone..don't worry about what others think! YOU have the power to make YOU happy. Sorry if your family doesn't like what you choose but its your life, not theirs.
I do understand what you are feeling. You don't feel like you are fitting in or doing what everyone else does. I was always the black sheep in my family. I shocked my family by moving 2000 miles away to live in a beautiful sunny state. I married the all American guy and was miserable. I divorced him, and married a cute Japanese man that still makes my heart skip a beat 20 years later. My family couldn't understand and certainly didn't like my choices. WHY?? Just because I didn't go with what they thought was right for me? I am very happy in my life and know I did things that were right for me.
Darling...live your life..be happy....you don't have to get married, have kids...unless you want to. Be free to be who you want to be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 April 2019):
 I wouldn't call it "being conditioned". After all, it's kind of the "natural" progression - at least finding a mate and procreate.
Does it mean ALL people do that? Well, no.
While you MOM and FAMILY might have certain hopes and dreams FOR you, YOU are now 30 and it's up to YOU to find YOUR path in life whether it's the path family wants or not.
If you DO NOT want a husband or kids or a mortgage, then don't.
FIND your own bliss.
At 30 you are also old enough to stop blaming your parents for how your life is now. They might have emphasized on "these things makes people happy" but life isn't a one size fits all. YOUR job is to find your own happiness REGARDLESS of what you have been old.
At 30 you are old enough to think for yourself.
Set your own goals, drams and then follow them.
Life isn't just monkey see, monkey do.
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