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What's wrong with me? Am I destined to be alone?

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Question - (1 July 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *hicaBlusera writes:

I've never felt so alone, and it seems like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't have someone special.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend who loves me and I imagine being held and talked to lovingly and having someone to give love to... and sooner or later, reality hits and I realize that no one wanted me, and it seems like every other girl had someone who picked her out, who thinks of her as the most special girl in the world.

I feel so inadequate, like a little kid, because no one notices me as a girlfriend. I don't feel like a woman. What tears me up inside is that I live in my head and everyone else has actually known real happiness. I am so sick of this empty feeling.

People weren't made to be alone like this. Life was meant to be shared. I would give anything to know what togetherness feels like, just for one day. Not some imaginary boy in my mind, but someone of flesh, and blood. Not longing for someone who loves another girl, some perfect person who loves me as much as I love him.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I find someone? I'm 29 and starting to worry that I'm doomed to be some crazy old cat lady.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010):

Hi well you are 29...still young and vibrant...trust me you are...me i am 43 and have been single for 6 years....i feel very alone and since my life is basically half over..i know how you feel, but you just have to dig in your heels and hold your head up high, you receive energy from the energy you put out....so my advice is live your life like it is complete and ENJOY your life.honey if men were oxygen alot of women would be dead....when you are not looking for love it will find you...you want to attract the right one, that will love and respect you....so if you are projecting that you are confident and loving your life you WILL attract a very good partner......

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A female reader, SadieB United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2009):

This is such a common question - you're not alone in thinking that everyone is experiencing happiness in a relationship except for you - I am 34 and have just met someone, and I think the one thing I have learned in my life is that no-one is perfect. Sometimes we have to be open minded about what we are seeking - there is no 'perfect fit' or at least, if there is, I haven't found it! It is easy to be in a relationship just for the sake of not wanting to be alone, so you should be really proud that you don't fall into this catagory. A friend of mine (a beautiful, confident woman of 44) met a lovely man last year (through a dating website) - they are really happy and she is expecting their first child. She went through months of asking the same thing as you (and me, and others) but finally took decisive action and struck lucky. At 44, she never thought she would have the chance to have children, let alone meet the man of her dreams after a series of failed relationships. But even he isnt Mr Perfect, and there are usually compromises to be made. The agony aunts who have answered before me to your question are absolutely right - encourage opportunities and don't hold back, but also enjoy the single life while you can - trust me, I loved being single so much and there is so much fun to be had while you are looking for your right partner - and you are only 29 remember - there is lots of time to settle down if that's what you're looking for. Far better to be single, enjoying life and sampling the goods than to be in a bad relationship. Remember people in relationships tend to be loyal and not reveal their problems to others - but trust me, very very few relationships are perfect. You're young and single - enjoy it while you can - get out there and have some fun!! xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

I'm a bit younger than you, but in the exact same situation.

Lots of people don't find love until their older, you're only 29, so you still have a lot of time.

I'm not going to say "Just be patient, your time will come", because I hate it when people say that to me, as they cannot predict that.

Just keep going out, meeting people, and chances are you'll meet someone.

Good luck.

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm in exactly the same boat but I'm a man looking for a woman. I'm the same age as you and feel what you feel. I've never had a proper girlfriend but I am confident that you will find someone. Believe it or not, living in America you have a lot more options open to you than me because I live in Britain. America is a huge country that is leading the world in everything. Look around you and you'll see so many opportunities for you that you need to grab with both hands. If you do this, you're bound to meet someone. But don't worry if it doesn't work out. First relationships very rarely do. Don't pin all your hopes on the first person you meet. Have fun and see how it goes. Go with the flow. I can see some great relationships ahead for you. Wishing you all the best.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008):

No, there is nothing wrong with you, what you are feeling is felt by so many others as well. Myself included in this thought. I am 34 have been married once in my life and had to divorce due to reasons beyond my control. Take the time and have fun you are still young and there is still alot to get done. Don't worry it will happen. Give it time.

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A female reader, SadieB United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2008):

First of all you're only 29 - so you have plenty of time to meet someone special if you are looking to settle down. It's far better to be single than in the wrong relationship, or be with someone simply because you don't want to be alone. You should be concentrating on doing things that make you happy with being who you are. Where do you go to meet people? No-one is going to come knocking on your door so it's important to put yourself out there and keep busy. People are naturally attracted to happy, confident people, so you should be thinking about what you can do to make your life more fulfilled. There really is someone out there for everyone, but we are not all destined to meet them by a certain age - you might meet the love of your life at 50 and then think it was well worth the wait. Just relax, enjoy life and concentrate on making yourself happy. Best of luck x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008):

Hi, I'll join the club. Wish I could be a crazycatlady too, but cats make me sneeze, so I'm just a crazysinglelady instead. I'm older than you, so I'm worse of than you, you got youth, whilst I'm going gray. I fill up the lonliness we all feel sometimes by being a great "hugger". I hug everybody, I hug the neighbours, I hug my family, I even hug the postman untill he ran away.... LOL

I tell you what one lady told me. She's got two guys, I don't even have one. She said, everyone will eventually find that special someone. She said, you might have to wait long, but even 80year olds can still fall in love. AHAHAHAHA.... but you know it makes sense. Remember not everyone you see is happy in love, some people are deeply unhappy, but try to make the best of things. The old saying is very true. It's lonely to be alone, but it's more lonely to be with somebody who dosen't love you or you don't love. Once you start concentrating on the good things in life and start loving your own company, and learning how to be happy on your own, that's when your perfect man will come along.

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A female reader, stauffera91 United States +, writes (1 July 2008):

stauffera91 agony auntI'm only seventeen so i would say that i am not "technically" not in your shoes but i do understand what you are saying. Before i met my boyfriend i always had imagined cuddling on the couch with a boy or just having someone to love and care about.. when i met my boyfriend things were awesome but soon things began to unravel .. the best advise i am giving you is just not to stay inside and wait for prince charming because he will not come... you need to find him yourself! ... and once you do make sure you don't dive in head first.. because thats what i did and i became madly in love with this one boy and now i regret it! because i cant get over him!!... just keep your eyes open and good luck you will definally find the right person everyone has that right person out there for them you just gotta look!!!

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A female reader, xcharlottex United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2008):

The thing is, if this is constantly on your mind, when you meet a guy your probably projecting your fantasy and sending out desperate vibes. You're born alone you die alone. The real issue is why cant you make yourself happy? Once you make yourself happy, doing things you enjoy, getting to know yourself and loving you for it, you'll be happy. And if you can find someone to share that happiness with, then that's great, but if not, then more for you aha ;). You dont have to compromise anything, nothing holding you back when you want to flirt with a guy, you can choose where you g on holiday, and you dont have to let someone know where you are every minute of the day. The single life is great, enjoy it while you can.

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A male reader, no_issues United States +, writes (1 July 2008):

no_issues agony auntNobody is destined to be alone. Nobody is destined to be together, either.

What porn teaches us is that when encounters happen we simply need to be prepared to jump into them and give them our all -- even if we find ourselves having sex on the hood of our car in the middle of the park. If that doesn't work out, we move on to the next scene and give it another try.

Porn also teaches that you can have sex with an entire convent of nuns just by asking, which is apparently not always true. So there's that.

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