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What's the ettiquette regarding texting?

Tagged as: Crushes, Gay relationships, Social Media<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 November 2017)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello aunties and uncles,

I am a gay male and I have a bit of a general "romantic interest" in the modern social media era type of question. To abridge all the details, there's this gay guy I am very interested in. We know each other for quite sometime, going about 4 years. We follow each other on Instagram. And one day I decided to just answer an instagram story he posted. He returned my private message to him and I pointed out we never went for the drinks he once proposed we went for. He agreed we should. He also follows that by telling me he's going out the following day to a particular bar...and I as stupid as it sounds, I muster up the courage to invite myself, as I assume the reason he mentioned that was an opportunity for us to go out that night.

Unfortunately, the next day he didn't respond to me and I felt embarrassed about the self-invite. But I went about my business trying to just move forward from that situation. Further, later that day, I didn't intentionally post an instagram story for him but he ended up replying to my post. He responded he was very sorry for not having contacted me the previous day, but he had been sleeping a lot. He also told me he woke up earlier remembering that he had told himself to contact me. And in addition to those messages he included his phone number so that I can contact him.

I should note, I sent him a text to his phone number answering his last private message to him. I forgot to tell him it was me. However, he texted he figured by my sense of humor which he said is easy to tell apart.

So yesterday, we began texting and it went back and forth for a while. I fell asleep. But I woke up responding to a text, in which he told me something happened at work that could create an opportunity for him. I asked him if he was looking at potentially of going for this opportunity and once again he responded this would be a better conversation to be had over beers. Well I responded I couldn't wait to hear about it, and I see he read my message but he did not respond. And now this entire day has passed and no texts. So my questions for all, is he interested in me or is he just being polite? I don't want to read too much the signs.

Also for those who are more savvy in this texting communication with a person of interest, should I wait to text him back? I responded last. I don't want to give him the impression I am not interested, but I also don't want him to think I am desperately trying to get his attention. When it is it a good time to text him back or should I wait for him to contact me back?

I appreciate any and all advice on the situation, I am just so confused as how to proceed with my next move.

View related questions: at work, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

You also deserve a thoughtful response from the wisdom of a mature and experienced gay-man. Here we go!

I follow rules of etiquette and decent behavior according to my own great upbringing, common-sense, and good-breeding. I also take notes and follow the examples set by people I respect and revere as sensible, admirable, and of good-character. We all know the basic principles of what's right and what's wrong, and how we want to be treated. So I will answer from that premise.

If you contact someone in whom you may have a special-interest; don't get ahead of yourself by placing too much faith in social media. As you know, people have two-three hundred people they identify on Facebook as "friends." We know that isn't in the literal-sense; but more in a social-sense. So you will get lost in the herd.

They (in this case, "they" are "gay-men") are constantly contacting and responding/interacting through emojis, "likes", or some form of detectable (but impersonal) acknowledgements.

For some, keeping track of their "followers" is a full-time job. So you're supposed to patently wait your turn for their celeb-responses. [*Rolling my eyes!*]

Bear this in-mind. Even if you get 50-70 comments and Instagrams in the frame of an hour, to include constant text messages from your "real" friends and family; you are often in a phone-frenzy. Naturally somebody might get over-looked.

That's only giving Mr. Wonderful benefit of the doubt here.

"I fell asleep" and "my phone was charging" are the standard excuses. Yet people never take their eyes off the screens of their devices. Even when sleeping, they keep one-eye open!

The last person a gay-man overlooks is somebody you have a romantic-interest in. They are usually the one message your gaydar and eyeballs are peeled for. So I think you know where I'm heading with this.

Sorry ladies! I'm not talking about heterosexual-male behavior at this time! I do attribute the behavior to some lesbians. So sue me!

Measure social-media responses from a romantic-interest only slightly by their text response-time. I didn't say totally dismiss it. They are fully accountable.

Popular queens have an active and avid fan-base. If you want to judge/test him/them; do that when you are actually sitting there with them/him in real-time. If you notice their/his stupid-face is glued to the screen of his device; while you're supposed to be keeping company. You know that idiot saw exactly when your message showed-up on that screen.

Catch my drift?

If he was truly interested, I think he would have hollered back pronto.

I also feel that it is courteous to follow-up promptly on your invitations. He threw it out there casually and non-specifically. To leave it open-ended; so he can casually get back to you when he got around to it. Of course to be delivered and diluted with a somewhat lame-excuse. So take note, boyfriend! I hate insincere apologies and lame-excuses!

YOU wouldn't keep a fine specimen of a man you're interested in waiting at the bottom of the pile! Would you? I'm just saying!!!

Cool your jets, dial-down your hormones, and curb your enthusiasm! He has to make it up to you! Or grab his dolls and dishes, and just be gone!

Give him a chance to recoup some of your wasted romantic-energy and to resupply some owed respect. I think his untimely-responses are an indication of indifference. Rudeness!

He won't turn-down any addition (or loyalist) to maintain his social fan-base; but too many times he failed in communication. Chances you gave him to show real interest, other than just looking for some extra attention. Not necessarily the kind of guy you deserve and might be looking for.

After-all, he has had four years to notice you. You've noticed him all that time!

Sweetie, the way I see it. He'd best be left as a casual friend. Don't attach your feelings. There is no real etiquette to texting and social media. You judge people by their behavior and how they interact with you. On and offline. You treat others as you want to be treated.

If they are kind and respectful, that's what is important. If you were newly-acquainted and initial-contact started through social-media; his casual-responses would be understood. That's because he would be somewhat unfamiliar and establishing social boundaries. Defining the type of connection you can expect.

In this case, he knows you! His lukewarm and delayed responses spell-out disinterest and rudeness in my book!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHe sounds like a flake.

TBH. I think he is not as interested in those drinks (as he claims) nor in you. I think he really just enjoys knowing that you are just "dying" to meet up.

If he WAS interested he wouldn't do the same thing over and over. He mentions drinks and when you respond to a positive let's have drinks he then GOES silent. If it was a one-off, then OK someone can miss a text or forget about it but... this guy does it as a pattern. He is putting you in a "hold" pattern. If he has nothing "better" to do he will contact you.

IF you have known him for 4 years and nothing has come of this I don't think it's likely that he is as interested in you as you are in him.

Besides following each other on Instagram doesn't REALLY mean you know the guy and he knows you. It means YOU know the public image or persona he puts out on the Internet and HE knows yours.

If you are looking for a partner, a REAL friend or even a hookup - HE isn't it. He is a tease, a flake.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 November 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Probabaly I am the last person who'd be qualified to advise about texting etiquette, since generally I make an old fashioned, functional, stark use of texts -like " running 15 minutes late ". For information, not for conversation.

Yet, common sense applies to any situation, not just texting, so I'd venture to say : wait. The ball is in his court. He knows you are interested.

You say something about his career; HE says you'd better leave this converstaion for when you meet in person for drinks ; you say you can't wait.

Clearer than that...it's up to him to follow through. At least at this early stage of no response ( 24 hours ! ) Contacting him again looks quite overeager.

Now, if you want to know why he hasn't jumped at the chance yet of asking you out, although drinks were mentioned, ... time ( not much, just a few days ) will tell . He can be actually, hneenuinely have been too busy to choose a time and place.

OTH, at least that's my feeling, things are seldom black or white ; you only consider " he is interested " or " he is being polite ", I think it's something halfway. Meaning, he is interested - somewhat. Not in a pressing way. Maybe he is "interviewing " other candidates over beers. Anyway , one can be interested, and still not quite raring to meet up.Particularly at this early stage. Like, he wants to go get these beers- in his own good time. It's not urgent; not compelling.

In short, he may be interested , but less eager than you.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (13 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntI don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about this. One good rule of thumb that has born me in good stead over the years is that whatever you do will be wrong, so... Do what you feel is right.

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