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What's the best way to get over someone?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 July 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *nthony E writes:

What's the best way to get over the ending of a long term relationship? I broke up with her almost two months ago and I'm still finding the grief hard to cope with. I think about her an awful lot still and at times I'm still very upset and anxious and uncertain about the future.

To add to the misery I found out she began a rebound relationship only a few days after we broke up. We had been very close, even towards the end, yet both knew deep down that our time had come.

My friends have tried hard to set me up with other girls, but I don't feel I'm ready to begin another relationship. We have decided to remain friends but it's hard because when I hear from her it's so obvious she's having fun with her new guy and doing all sorts of stuff we never did. She doesn't seem to be grieving like I am.

One of the hardest things to handle is the fact that she's having loads of sex with her new guy, yet when I was with her she hardly wanted any. It sounds silly, but that fact has really got to me.

Can a rebound relationship ever be justified? Or is it best to just take time out and try to find happiness being single so you're ready for the right person one day.

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A male reader, Anthony E United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2015):

Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anthony E agony auntYou are quite correct sir, time is the answer here. I find it's most effective when I don't hear from her, a single text can set me back days. I'm a keen cyclist as it happens, and I've set myself a target of becoming very fit. The endorphins help, as does writing. Looking at old pictures and communicating with her is the worst thing however.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015):

As has been said before, time is the best healer and it can seem like it has slowed down. However, there are ways to help with this and speed up the process.

The best would be to take up a new hobby, particularly something active. Begin going for daily runs or cycling or take up something like martial arts.

Another way, if being active isn't your thing, would be to write your feelings down in a diary. Whenever you feel down or depressed, scribble out all your feelings (it doesn't have to be need or well-worded) and close the book without reading back. For me this helped to get over a relationship that ended suddenly for me and I felt much better after writing each entry.

You can also write about the good things you've been experiencing - maybe you gained a qualification or had a nice lunch with friends. Anything that you felt good during, and read back on it when you feel down.

Good luck with your healing.

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A male reader, Anthony E United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2015):

Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anthony E agony auntThanks again, sorry to hear your relationship ended in such a painful way, it's all the harder I guess when someone you're actually with is unfaithful.

I don't think that ever happened to me as she was a very decent and trustworthy person but it has still been awful, especially knowing that someone else is there now - kind of a weird feeling, and pretty gut wrenching!

I think you're right about time, it really does heal mental wounds. I've felt better today, and I can slowly feel my thoughts towards her changing which is good. It's so hard to see in a logical way at the start.

A day after the breakup she texted me to ask if I fancied a walk in the evening sunshine. I got the text too late, yet in a way that was good, as I know if we had actually met that night we'd have so easily succumbed to the pressure and got back together.

Maybe that was a blessing; it's been two months now and despite still receiving texts and having also shared a couple of meet-ups I still feel the healing process taking over. It's reassuring as I'd hate to ever walk up one day and wonder what I'd done! Hope you having a similar experience in moving on. Never forget, you deserve better!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015):

Hi - it's me again! Yes I just can't understand people who jump straight into one relationship after another - how can you have proper feelings like that?

My guess is you will probably end up happier in the long run as she is desperately trying to cling onto something she hasn't got!

My breakup was hurtful as the guy stopped talking to me and became hateful towards me as I caught him out seeing another girl.

Hopefully your pain will ease soon, I wish I just could forget the past but it takes a while...

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A male reader, Anthony E United Kingdom +, writes (9 July 2015):

Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anthony E agony auntThanks for taking the time to reply to my post. Breakups are truly horrid aren't they? I guess they always happen for a valid reason though - as I don't believe anyone would even think about breaking up unless something was badly wrong. Figures doesn't it? I think it may have actually been two weeks after we split up that the new guy rolled in. That would seem like a classic rebound timescale. She did this with me too when we first met - I was her rebound; as was the dude before me, and the guy before him. She's typically only ever single for a couple of weeks at a time, it's a pattern which becomes a vicious cycle and hard to break out of. She's not waiting until her heart heals before rushing head long into the nest disaster. When you've just broken up your head's not in a good enough place to make a sensible judgement and pick the right guy - so she just picks whoever's around and available at the time. Then when she's realised they're not right she does it all over. Vicious cycle.

I hope you get through your breakup okay. It'll take you less time that me I guess as yours was shorter. I'm thinking it's going to be another month at least for me as I'm still nowhere near right. Thanks again and good luck with your next chapter, hope it's the one you've been looking for!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015):

Sorry for your pain - I have just been dumped not from a long relationship like yours - but the hurt is still not nice.

Well you probably won't like what I am going to say here - but it sounds to me that your ex is in more of a serious relationship than just a rebound.

The fact that she entered it so quickly and is having 'fun' as you say - sounds to me like she was already after this bloke possibly before you split.

Also how do you know about her sex like?

Surely she wouldn't be rubbing your nose in it and if she is - she doesn't sound very nice - so maybe you are better off without her.

I suppose there is no real way of getting over a breakup though - I'm in the same boat and keep looking back rather than forward.

Time is a great healer though and you have only been split up for a couple of months - which is no time really. Keep yourself busy if you can - one day will come along where you won't think of her and then you'll know you're finally over her.

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