A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife moved to the U.S. from the Philippines about 10 years ago, and we've been married a couple years. She's in her mid 30s.She recently had a falling out with one of her Filipina "friends", and both of them seem to be escalating the situation, saying as many nasty things about the other as possible to other Filipinas.I realize I can't change my wife much, and I knew she was like this to some extent before we got married. But, she now complains to me about the situation constantly (she probably spends at least half an hour a day venting to me about how much she hates almost all the other Filipinas in town), and she accuses me of "not being supportive" if I tell her I'm tired of hearing about it. She has also started to pressure me to enter the fray on her behalf, to charge in on my mighty keyboard of plastic and slay the evil gossipers with my huge brain and sharp tongue. I have read some of the things said about my wife and I as a couple, and it strikes me as being very immature. Most of it is just speculation by others about our relationship. Logically, the people saying it cannot possibly know if what they are asserting is true. But, I really don't know what my wife has said about others, so I don't know how pure she is in all of this either. She tends to be very aggressive and go on a verbal attack if she feels like she's been put down (and she feels put down frequently).I have now started getting messages from other husbands on FB telling me I need to keep my wife under control, that she's spreading lies about them, etc. I deactivated my FB account without responding as I have never personally had any problems with anyone in the "community", and I don't care to get involved. But, as I mentioned earlier, my wife has been ramping up the pressure on me to get involved. I see absolutely no point to it, and I'd prefer to just not have any communication with any of the people in the group (roughly 30 Filipinas). But, my wife still considers some of them to be friends so she still talks to them and they keep her informed of all the latest hate gossip. My wife actually does have a lot of good qualities, and the recent situation seems to be somewhat unusual, at least in terms of the intensity of the conflict. (I've learned to live with the low level stuff like incessant talk about other women's purses and shoes)I've told my wife many times that she should just stop responding to all the provacation on FB, etc., and stop wasting all her time and energy on this. But, she just doesn't see it like that. Her motto is "If anyone messes with me they'll get it back twice as bad!"Any idea how to handle the situation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): OP here, thanks for the responses.
I've told her to grow up many, many times, but it just leads to even more whining about how hard her life is, telling me I just don't understand her, that I'm not being supportive, etc. (One of her favorite things to say is "Why should I bother being married if I don't get any support?!?)
I finally told her the other night that I was tired of talking about the whole thing, and that I'd leave the house for a bit or hang up on her if she brought it up again. I said "It's your choice, you can do what you want, but I don't have to keep listening if I don't want to." She started right back into it almost instantly, so I just walked out and got into my car and drove away for awhile (went to the grocery store)
I think she finally realized she can't force me to listen to her rants if I don't want to. But, I have no doubt this will be an ongoing project.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 30 Filipinas is way too many Filipinas to get involved with.
I feel that some kind of "honor" is involved here. Avoid getting sucked into that. I like what Reality Check wrote: "Tell her to grow the hell up!"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2012):
 As I see it, there is only two things to do really.
1. tell her to GROW up.
2. tell her to go buy some boxing glove and meet her "fr-enemy" and duke it out.
It's absolutely ridiculous! I have seen it with Army wives and I have always backed far far away from stupid drama like that. Nothing good comes from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Omg....she sounds like she's in the playground ring of an elementary school. Quite honestly, that sounds childish. Tell her the only way to win this so called perpetual argument-gossip fest is to shower the opponent with kindness. Continuous kindness and love will ultimately kill the fire breathing dragon. Remember, it's usually the one who quenches the fire is the one who earns the badge....not the village gossip!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 March 2012):
 This is one of those things where eventually, no matter what you do, it's going to lead to a fight with your wife. The question is when and how you want that to happen.
Women want drama. How much they want depends on the woman, but they all want it. Most of them seem to prefer the emotional roller coaster of experiencing a wide range of emotions - including negative ones - over just being content all the time. Essentially, women are happier in the long term if they're sad or angry part of the time in the short term.
If you delay things by trying to take her side and stand up for her, eventually you're going to realize that it's all pointlessly alienating people and you're going to want to withdraw - or, you'll go further in defending her than she would like. Either way, there's a fight waiting to happen. Or, you can put your foot down about it right now, and have a fight. She doesn't sound like the type to back down easy.
But if you really think these conflicts are all frivolous wastes of time, you need to deal with it. In your shoes, I would tell her I want no part of it, and that I think she's only hurting herself by letting this happen, then deal with the inevitable fight - and stand my ground. No amount of shifting modern gender dynamics is going to change that fact that ultimately, women want their men to be the solid oak tree in the storm, unmoved by whatever is getting her emotions in a twist, a source of strength for her to lean on. And part of that might mean letting her get emotional while you just don't let it affect you.
Again, I think that confrontation is inevitable, and the only issue is making it happen when and where you're ready for it. It will be rough, but that's life. If you can find a way out of it, great, but I can't think of one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Ugh, what a difficult situation!!well, I know that if the same thing happened with my parents (and it has because my mom has a fiery temper), my dad would always without fail back her up. He would take any insult to her as an insult to him too. You would have to deal with the two of them, not just her.that's one way to look at it, which is that since you're married and you're her husband you're supposed to be on the same team which means you're supposed to defend her if and when she comes under 'attack.'but what if you truly believe that she is in the wrong? Or that she is getting herself involved in issues that have nothing to do with you, why should you have to get invovled too?You see, I don't think my dad ever exercised his brain to consider if my mom could be in the wrong, he would just blindly follow her into whatever fray she would get into and defend her. I'm sure it made them both happy, but I disagree about that. My parents are kinda really dependent on each other in many ways (they are immigrants too so they have always had this "the whole world is against us" mentality) which I don't think is necessarily healthy...I don't happen to think that just because you're married to your wife that you're obligated to fight her battles for her. That's what parents like to do when their children get into playground fights. but your wife isn't a child, she can certainly hold her own. And if she can't, well then maybe she shouldn't be going around picking fights if she's not able to handle it. Once you get involved, she will then EXPECT you to stay ever more involved, and she could even go so far as to put words into your mouth and then you have to defend your name, so you would be digging yourself into an even deeper mess.I think you need to set boundaries with her, which is that she and she alone is responsible for her actions. Because they are HER actions and HER choices of how SHE handles the situations. Just because you're her husband doesn't mean you're obligated to fight her battles with her or for her especially when you think they are stupid battles. it's also inappropriate for other husbands of her 'friends' to tell you that it's your responsibility to "keep your wife under control." Is everyone in your social circle stuck in the 1950s?? Why do people think that spouses have control over each other the way that parents have control over children? I think you're doing the right thing by simply staying on the outskirts and disengaging and not getting involved. I think you should continue to do this, and eventually this will all blow over. I think your wife gets enraged that you're not jumping into the fray because she sees that as you "not caring" about her. Tell her that you care about her because she is your wife, and you love her, but this is her own problem because she's the one who created this situation so it has nothing to do with you so it's inappropriate for you to get involved. Tell her that people will not respect her if she starts fights but then has to go running to her husband for back up, that does not make her look good at all, it makes her look very childish. Tell her that her way of handling conflict is to be aggressive, but hers is not the only way. You can also simply deflate the other side by not even acknowledging them. And that is your style, and you have every right to do it your way just as she wants to conduct herself in her way. just continue to stay disengaged and don't give into her pressure because if you do, you're just going to dig yourself into an even deeper mess. It's her problem, she needs to figure out how she will handle it. Tight now you are giving her valuable information, which is, that she cannot look to you for support in her silly childish games. That's a valuable piece of information you're conveying so if you keep at it, eventually she will have to give up trying to pressure you and resort to different tactics on her own. if it strains the relationship, that would be her fault, and you giving into her pressure wouldn't be an appropriate way to improve your relationship because it's rewarding her bad behavior which means you would be ensuring that she will do even more of it.
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A
female
reader, Realitycheck  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Tell her to grow the hell up! She's only perpetuating the problem by continuing to respond and spew. And what is this accomplishing? It's getting her all worked up, she's staying pissed off, stressed out and that's no way to live. She has a volatile personality, couple that with the drama that she creates in her friendships and it sounds like she doesn't have a life that's fulfilling enough so she stirs up the pot in her friendships out of boredom or her own need to cause strife to others. Do not get involved. It will never end. Maybe she needs to get a job. Or have a couple of kids so she can find other more fulfilling and interesting ways to spend her time. This is a big waste and it's so high school. At her age she should not be behaving like this. This is what girls do at 13 but not at 30. When she whines to you, tell her you don't want to hear about it that it's negative and counterproductive to your relationship. She may need counseling.
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