A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so before I go into my problem I want to start by saying that it's all my fault, I've been selfish and now deeply regretting my decision. I'm a terrible person and I need to know the best way out of my situation.I grew up living in a tiny 2 bed council house with my parents and 2 siblings, in a rough area. I hated it. I always knew from a young age I wanted better for myself so I went to college, got a diploma. I started off as a junior doing work experience and managed to work my way up. I was then finally able to leave my parents house and got myself a small apartment which I was happy in.I then met my now husband on a night out, we clicked immediately - he was nice looking , smart , kind etc.... We started seeing each other but I never thought I loved him- I never got goosebumps from him and my stomach never flipped when I saw him- I assumed rightly or wrongly that's what a sign of love is as a few people I spoke too would say that's how they knew they were in love. But I guess everyone experiences love differently. I assumed the feelings would appear 1 day.We had been together 5 years and got engaged and I moved in with him (stupid move I know) then when he went away with work for 1 week, it then dawned on me that I didn't love him, the feelings were never going to come and I needed to leave him. I hadn't missed him at all and I loved going out with my friends and this is going to sound selfish but I enjoyed the attention I got from other men and I did flirt but that was it - I NEVER cheated on him but I wished I was single. I knew he was coming back from his trip on the Friday evening so the night before I packed all my stuff and made a reservation at a local hotel for the Friday night as I had planned to leave him. I had it all worked out.However on the Friday whilst I was at work I was given some bad news that some of us would be made redundant and those left would have their hours cut. I couldn't afford either. So it dawned on me- if I went ahead with my plan is end up back at my parents house with no money - I couldn't go back. So I unpacked my stuff and cancelled my hotel room and decided to stay with him for security purposes- he had a great job, he could financially support both of us whilst I found another job. I planned to pay back what I owed him once I got back on my feet and then leave.....Unfortunately things didn't go according to plan and the next thing I know is I'm in a church with 100 guests saying my vows to him- it was a sad day.... Everyone saw me sad and put it down to the emotion and stress of the day and the whole time I was screaming in my head "you stupid cow, what have you done?!"I was weak and a coward not to call the wedding off- both sets of parents were so happy - everyone kept telling me how lucky I was and here's the thing- he deserves better than me- he is kind and caring and loving. He helps around the house, cooks, takes me away on trips. I know I will never find anyone like him but I can't stay in this marriage anymore- I need to be in love. I can't not being in a relationship with someone I love...I have now gotten to know this other man- not in a personal way but as an acquaintance amd my stomach flips when I see him and I get goosebumps and I replay the conversations we have over and over again. In bed, I fantasise it's him next to me. I have no idea how this guy feels about me but I'm in love with him, I've never felt like this before. I need to leave my husband (I haven't done anything with this guy), of course I'm not going to his money or assets that he acquired before we got married- just the share of the house that we purchased together.How do I leave him? Do I come clean about never loving him and just being with him for security? Do I admit I'm in love with someone else? Do I lie and say I've fallen out of love with him? Help.Nothing anyone on here will say will make me feel worse than I already do.Thanks for reading.
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at work, engaged, flirt, money, moved in, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 October 2015):
 There is more than one problem here and you need to treat them separately. Your relationship with your husband needs sorting. You say: 'I know I will never find anyone like him', but then contradict it with, 'but I can't stay in this marriage anymore'.
Do you want security - you did once - or do you want to go it alone?
What would be completely wrong would be to use this second infatuation as a stepping stone out of your marriage.
Some people opt for a trial separation.
Deal with one thing at a time: first your marriage, then becoming financially independent, even if you stay married, then your love life.
Whichever way you choose to go it's time to have an adult conversation with your husband.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): you might find that what you have is an infatuation and a self destruct problem because you said you have no idea what love is and you are looking for an emotion.Love can be many things but goosebumps is generally not one of them.Goose bumps ofteen are an indication of infatuation and unfortunatly the sex is often not as good as the expectation of it.Sometimes it totally dies after the first time ,especially when the guy is busy running out the door convinced that you are not the one and thinking you just wanted to latch on to him.As much as you denegrate your husband, he is fulfilling the expectation of love by the good things he is doing .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2015): I am not going to say anything to make you feel bad, quite the opposite. Well done for having the guts to face the truth and not live a lie, and deceive your husband, by far the cruelest. Truth needs to be gentle.
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