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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My question: Is he really sick or did he stand me up?Our history: I met this guy online last year. We talked for 2 weeks and then went out for a dinner date. After the date, he kept insisting that I want to have sex with him. I told him that we just met and that I wasn't interested in sex. He kept pushing the sex issue, I got upset, nervous, scared and ended up storming out of his car and headed home. After this, I reached out to him (stupid, I know) and apologized for storming out and expressed my dissatisfaction. He apologized, but told me that he wasn't interested in pursuing anything with me about a week later (a day or 2 before christmas), even after I told him that I was still interested. In the end, I respected his decision, deleted his number and moved on.Nine months later, he contacts me claiming that he made a mistake and says that he wants to see me, that same evening, for dinner. I turned him down, told him that I wasn't interested because of our previous history. He continued to call and ask that we meet up for a date the following week. I refused his second date request, but told him that I'd be willing to meet the week after, which would have been today. I'm not currently dating anyone, so I agreed to go out with him and accepted his calls just to fill the void. As time went by, only about two weeks now, I grew to like him even though I told him that I don't trust him. He continues to express his desire for a relationship and sex. I let my guard down with him again, because I'm lonely, even though I shouldn't have.Some other details: We were scheduled to go out on a date this evening, Saturday night. On Friday morning, I received a text from him saying good morning and asking how my day is going so far. Eventually, he says that he's had a bad headache since the evening before and its not getting better. I called him to wish him well and find out more about the illness, but my conscience was telling me that he was trying to get out of our date. Either way, I sent him a text a few hours later, to check on him. He claims that he just got back from the Dr and was told that he has an infection. I wished him well and didn't hear back from him. During this time, he didn't mention not being able to make our date or rescheduling it, which I thought was strange. I called a few friends and explained my version of events. They both told me that they think he is lying and is trying to get out of our date and that I should move on and can do better. I texted him this morning and told him that I think he's lying and that he isn't being straight with me. He replied back stating that he can't believe that I'm doubting him and that he's not going to kill himself trying to explain himself each time I doubt him. He also said that I'll come to know him. He did call me, prior to sending the text, but I didn't answer. I texted him 2 more times: Once to say that if he's truly interested in me, that he needs to prove it. After I didn't hear back from him, I sent him another text saying that based on his lack of response, I'm assuming that he isn't interested him and ended off wishing him well. I still haven't heard back and am confused. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes by accusing him and reaching out to him, instead of letting him reach out to me. He's 10 years older than me (43), has 2 kids, is divorced and I don't even know his last name. I've never been married, am 33 and have no kids. After I told him that I was looking forward to seeing him and that I'm starting to like him, he expressed similar sentiments, but I noticed the balance of power shift, he stopped pursuing me and I reached out a lot less. I feel like he's playing games, is married or separated or that something else is going on with him, but I can't put my finger on it. What's going on here. I'm interest in any advice or feedback that you all could give. Thanks in advance!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Emilia's answer hit the nail on the head!!
The guy is just looking for sex.
Why did he come back to you after 9 months?...because after you initially turned him down for first date sex, you totally caved in, changed your mind and started pursuing him because you are lonely and you panicked that he might get away.
He saw your weakness and totally used it when he came back 9 months later to have another go.
You have to be real careful with who you meet from the internet. Guys will tell you what you want to hear to get in your knickers, so make sure you get to know someone really well and spend lots of time with them before you take the plunge.
A lot of these sexual predators are not fussy who they sleep with, any pretty face will do, but a relationship is usually the last thing they want...and they do not care who they hurt...so playing the victim with these guys is a waste of time.
Cut the cord, ditch, dump and ignore...and then move on...because there is nothing good that can come of this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): This guy has way to much baggage. You said he is divorced, has two kids, and he seems interested in sex only. I think you should find somebody more your speed that doesn't have all that going on. That means you are going to not only learn to love his children but also deal with his ex wife and also know that his childrens needs are going to take precedent over yours. Are you ready for all that? I think the best thing is to leave him be and find someone with much less going on. There are plenty of guys out there who are looking for.what you are looking for with far less drama. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He isnt interested in a relationship with you, he just wants sex.
If you want sex then stop the back and forth stuff and have sex. If you want to have sex but want to play a bit then keep going on as you are, either you will give in or he will get tired of waiting and go find somebody else to have sex with.
If you want a relationship and all that it means, then stop corresponding with him, stop texting, stop phoning, stop communicating. Just stop!
The sign posts are clearly marked, it is up to you to decide which road to take. The short cut to sex, the long road to sex (what is happening now) or the road to a loving relationship. If you are taking the last road then you need to recognise stuffing around with this guy is like a BIG ROADBLOCK, as long as he is in your life you are not going anywhere without having sex with him.
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A
female
reader, emilia80  +, writes (30 September 2012):
Hi,
I am guessing you are around my age, I think I checked the wrong box when I signed up. I am not sure how much experience you have with online dating, but there are a lot of different men online looking for all kinds of things. Do not always believe what they say on their profiles, in other words that little criteria that most women seem to like 'looking for a LTR'. This man you are talking about is a 43 year old divorced guy with two kids and he is not out for a relationship. He probably was with his ex wife for the last ten years of his life, give or take, he has now got himself online and he wants to explore, meet as many women as he can, have sex with as many women as he can. Do not worry about the texts you send him, do not try to apologize to him, in fact I would stop the texting altogether. He wanted to have sex with you on your first date, and when you turned him down, he disappeared, and then he resurfaces 9 mos later and tried again. He still had your number, why not, he gave it a shot, and you took the bait. He doesn't have to be a jerk to do this to you, he is simply not looking to settle down with anyone anytime soon. I bet the night he faked his headache he had another woman sleeping at his place. You are 33 yrs old, I know you want to have a relationship, get married, have a family of your own, find a little happiness; this guy has done all of that, and he is not going back there. Please find a man that is looking for the same things that you are. A note on the online dating; please give yourself time to date, please date, don't just settle on the first guy you meet, only to find out that he was 'recently active' on the site, a day after you two slept together.
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