A
male
age
30-35,
*ikerGuy73
writes:Dear Cupid Aunts and Uncles. I've been going with a girl for about 8 months now. But I think she still has feelings for her ex? I could be wrong. Last month her ex had an accident. He almost died. He's okay now though. At the time of his accident I posted a photo on facebook to say I loved her. Perhaps my timing was a little poor. Anyway she told me to remove it. Which I did. But before this she would like all my photos and now she's stopped liking any of my photos.I don't know if this is of any relevance but when he was in hospital she kept calling to see if he was okay. As far as I know they wouldn't tell her anything, but then he gave his consent to the hospital to let her know he was okay. As far as I know she never went to see him and they never spoke directly.A few months ago she posted a photo of a quote. I thought it was quite profound. Like it was about her ex. About how your mind knows it's wrong, but you can't stop your heart loving someone. Anyway last night I posted it on my page as my cover photo and she's now removed it from her page. Deleted it entirely. She also posts these really bizarre photos of a girl trying to get into someone's heart. Like the heart is locked. And these photos of couples in coffee shops. I know her and her ex use to like to go for coffee all the time. From what I know they were madly in love, but I think he was a bit of a bad boy and that's why they broke up. Is she just not as into me as what I am into her. Or is it she still has feelings for ex and she doesn't want to hurt him? Or is it just me? Am I over analysing this? When I bring up her ex or she does she gets upset about it so I leave it alone. Does anyone know what's going on?
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 March 2014):
 Why do you let her have this much control in the relationship? She doesn't want YOU to come with her to the beach? The coffee-shop?
I'm wondering WHY you are with her? I'd be annoyed if my partner had places with special meaning where I wasn't welcome in that sense.
She is NOT at all subtle with NOT being over him.
I could imagine nothing worse then having a partner pining after someone else, personally, I'd walk away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Please, please, please don't judge someone's feelings for you by Facebook!!! Be logical and use maturity.
Facebook is not a gauge of romantic feelings and human emotion. For heaven's sake! The one thing FB is good for if you want to gauge behavior, is how stupid people can be. That is an excellent source for that type of information. That's why prospective-employers use it as a tool to judge people for employment. That is intrusive and a blatant disregard for privacy I might add.
You've been in a relationship for only eight months now.
So, yes! It is highly likely she has feelings for her ex. I expect a lot of advice from other females to ask you to be patient and forgiving. Bullsh*t!
NO! I'm not going to advise you to take some sugar-coated sentimental approach, giving her the emotional upper-hand and allowing yourself to be played on the rebound. Dumped as soon as they re-establish some connection; once you've completely fallen deeply in-love with her.
You are not over-thinking anything. You are protecting your feelings; and you want to base them on something solid. You want to know if this woman is even ready to maintain a new relationship; or if she needs more time to recover from a old one. I'm quite surprised that advice previously given has minimized your feelings here. Not the part about FB!!!
First off, you must be strong and maintain some self-control and reason. Over-dramatizing because of postings on Facebook is childish. That is not how you gauge her feelings. You base them on how you are treated. Period.
If she reciprocates love and affection. She spends a lot of her time with you. She appreciates even the small things you do for her, and you are the first one she calls when she gets up in the morning. These are things you look for.
He meant something to her. You do not expect her to completely forget someone she used to(possibly still does) love. He still exists and it wasn't that long ago they broke-up. You were eager to have her shortly thereafter; so you most likely are the one who asked to have a committed relationship. You made your bed, now grow some stones; and be man enough to lie in it.
I wouldn't go within a 100 feet of a person recently broken-up with a ex-boyfriend. I would have the common-sense to know there could be unfinished business, and residual feelings. That is human. It takes time.
You are partially to blame; because you rushed to commit to her.
In such cases, if this person is available for dating, I would certainly consider it. Maybe somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, I would show interest from a comfortable distance. I would find out how they are progressing with recovery from their unfortunate breakup, and gauge things by their behavior towards me. Not postings on Facebook!
However; you will find clues based on communications by this medium.
She is obviously demonstrating her feelings more in his direction.
Rather than being a moody wimp; you can pull out of this relationship. Move on to where you can feel less threatened. Make sure a woman is completely available; before asking her to be your girlfriend.
Sending messages with hidden-meanings for the purpose of expressing feelings to anyone but you, is a good sign she may not be over him. That in itself is good enough reason to give her time; but not on your time.
Dump her.
...............................
A
male
reader, BikerGuy73 +, writes (7 March 2014):
BikerGuy73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe photo I posted. - I guess I was kind of testing her. The photos she's been posting. Broken hearts. Photos about loving the area he comes from. Beach photos. We don't go for coffee. I've asked her a couple of times but she says she doesn't want to. But she'll go on her own. She always goes to the sane coffee shop they use to go to together. The reason I know this is because I've called her a few times. Asked her what's she's up to and she'll tell me she having coffee and 'that' coffee shop. But she won't go with me. Same with the beach. When I ask her. She won't go with me. But she'll take her dog and go on her own. As for facebook - I thought that was a bit strange too. She told me he closed his facebook after he got out of hospital. Then she deactivated hers for a few days. I don't know why she did this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Oh there's another tactic which I didn't mention which can be fun but is very immature. Playing her at the same game and forcing her to respond.
Start by deleting any loved up crap, quotes, I love my baby messages. In fairness Biker Guy's really shouldn't be that soppy anyway. If she asks why you did that, just tell her you too don't want to talk about it.
Or you could rally mess with her head and post "deep" quotes about girls who have eyes for another guy, quotes about how hard it is to be with someone you know doesn't love you back. I mean it's insanely childish and people will know exactly what's happening but there is a certain satisfaction to playing a woman at her game and being better at it. If she asks about them just say you like the quotes, they mean something to you.
OP whatever you decide just understand one thing, she is being very disrespectful and childish. You should either save face and call her out on it, or be even more passive aggressive and childish but win at it.
Something like this would really tell her you know what's up and really rock the boat.
http://miltonious.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/funny-dump-relationships-miltonious-blog.jpg
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 March 2014):
Facebook aside, how is your relationship?
For the most part I believe that you CAN NOT conduct a relationship judging what goes on on Facebook. (that would be RIDICULOUS) Though I have to say her asking you to take down a status, where you said you LOVE her is really weird, so it happened around the same time her ex got hurt.. so what? So you are only allowed to post lovey -dovey stuff when the ex is OK? WTF?
Not because she called to check up on him, I think that is just being a decent person.
But because she gets upset that you post a ILY post while her ex is in the hospital. And she has him on her FB still? Is that why the ILY status/post had to be removed? And because she expects you to walk around on eggshells on FB.
Though I have a few questions for you:
1. Why did you use the photo SHE posted that you ANALYZED to be about her ex?
2. Why do you keep bringing up the ex? I DO think you are FIXATED with the ex and your mind creates more drama then necessary. I mean pictures of a coffee shop means she is thinking of the ex? She has never had a cup of coffee with you at a coffee shop? Or friends? Co-workers? Classmates? WHY does it HAVE to be about the ex?
Why not sit her down and tell her, hey I feel like you are not really interested in me any more. What's up?
With all that said.... Yes, I DO think she is still hooked on her ex. She isn't over him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Yeah it sounds like she's a passive aggressive douchebag who's had her feelings stirred by her ex nearly dying.
I mean she literally couldn't be more obvious and frankly, no offence, but she's being a total bitch about it too.
You're not over-analysing. She just wants to throw out hints so you get the message and doesn't have the decency to actually tell you what's going on.
I mean come on what kind of 13 year old immature move is it to post things about loving someone you shouldn't, things that signify being trapped in a relationship and stuff like that? She's doing it publicly for sympathy too and she's making a public fool of you, OP, you really aren't helping yourself by posting soppy stuff.
Stop interacting with her publicly on Facebook you'll feel a right fool when you have to delete all those, prepare yourself for this being the end because it most likely is and talk to her about it. I don't care if she gets upset she can't use that as a cover. She's obviously too much of a coward to do the decent thing and wants you to be the bad guy here and get upset about her obvious ploy over her ex and all the deep messages.
Unfortunately she has you trumped here, OP, no matter what you do she'll make it seem like you're the bad guy. But that's irrelevant really, all that matters is that you be prepared to walk away.
I have had more than on ex pull this shit. Back then though there was no Facebook so she'd listen to songs about loving someone you can't have, all of a sudden love poetry that talks about that shit and make it oh so obvious through her behaviour too. I'm a prideful bastard to be honest so I really didn't like being manipulated that way as there is no escape from it without doing exactly what they want you to and dumping them.
OP be prepared to dump her but talk to her first, ask her about those quotes and stuff like that and then talk to her about her ex. When she refuses to talk to about him or gets upset as a means of deflecting tell her that's unacceptable. I've had this conversation lots of times, the next step then is she'll probably get her back up and make it sound like you're being asshole who's badgering her on it or not trusting her ignoring the fact she's making it very obvious and that if there was nothing going on she'd find it very easy to talk about etc. If you're not a soppy pushover the conversation ends with you dumping her because honestly OP, the only people who get upset about their ex are the ones you either don't stop hassling them about (which I assume you don't) or they're still in love. Either way, OP, she's a bitch for posting shit about you not being enough. I mean posting that stuff on facebook is such an obvious move.
Plus I hate soppy people like that, who post "meaningful" quotes like it makes them look profound or some shit. It just makes them look like fools, "look at me I'm deep and soulful". No, sorry you're a fool.
OP if this is what it looks like she'll try and deny it, but her denial will mean nothing because her excuses about all the facebook posts and change of behaviour will either be non-existent or she'll try and deflect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): The accident was bound to have an effect on her, but even still, asking you to take a photo down seems a little over the top to me. But I can understand her concern and need to ensure he is well, I think most people would. I wouldn't worry too much about the photos she puts on facebook, I post all kinds of random stuff on mine and half of it is just because I like the photo or the quote, some people might see a relevance to their own relationship and others might see nothing in it. It's all a matter of what draws people's attention. Having said that, some of her behaviour seems a little unusual. If they were in love, it could be that she still has feelings for him, but that is only to be expected. Love isn't a switch that you can flick on and off whenever you want. Just give her time and don't copy her pictures to use as your own, you'll wind her up and it could have a negative impact, just let her do her own thing and when the time is right, she will tell you what is going on.
...............................
|
