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*indyCares
writes: I'd like to have opinions from the Dc community about what's a reasonable / sustainable degree of involvement with your in laws. ( I have my own opinion, and I am also pretty sanguine about it- but, although I hate to admit it :) I can't always be right , and I am curious anyway to hear what you guys think ). So , my question was originated by a complaint from a younger friend of mine ( 32 ). She got married about 4 years ago- and it seems that the honeymoon is over. Not with the husband, luckily . They are still happy and in love. But with the in laws. She liked them a lot at first , but now she is quite sick of them. It's like this. The husband's family is not particularly huge or patriarchal, but it's becoming too much to handle anyway. He's got his Dad and Mom, and two married sisters with 3 kids each. They do not live together or even in the same neighborhood, but they are nevertheless close and they have the habit to celebrate everybody's birthday with a family dinner. ( Always on a Saturday night, because everybody works or goes to school ) So, two parents , 2 sisters, 6 nieces and nephews , plus of course my friend 's husband - that makes 11 birthdays a year. I don't remember if they give a dinner for the brother in laws too - anyway more or less it's once a month in average. BUT, add to this Xmas, New Year, Easter, Communions, Confirmations, Wedding anniversaries and all those weird national holidays we have here..., we go to an average of at least two Saturdays a month for family celebrations. My friend feels that's too much. She and her husband work very hard , basically they only have the weekend to enjoy themselves. Lucky them, they are an affluent, sporty young couple, who can afford weekends abroad and skiing trips. They could ( and would like ) go away every weekend to some ski resort or some art city , or just to ride around the country on his motorbike. But, about half of the time, ... they have to give up because there's some family celebration they " can't miss ".. The funny thing , is that the husband feels hindered the same !, it's not as if he WANTS to stay home with his family, he'd rather go somewhere fun with his wife. But, he is a total mama's, and papa's boy, and , a bit of a wuss in general- so by now he made clear that no, he is not going to raise the subject with his relatives . He let her ( my friend ) the choice and freedom to talk to her in- laws and announce them that from now on the rules, and schedules , are going to change . But she is loathe to do it, because she does not want to pass like the only bad guy and the mean party pooper that spoils the tradition, when also her husband wants more free time for just themselves !, and also because she is having doubts : like : Maybe it is just me ? Am I being too selfish ? Should I stiff upper lip and carry on in the name of family and tradition ? Or am I allowed to defend my privace, and hard earned free time , from external influences ? Am I a brat, or are they overbearing ?.... Where is a right balance between being a polite and respectful DIL, and NOT being TOO polite and respectful ? ... .. What do you think, Dear Cupiders ?....
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reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 January 2016):
 Maybe also mention that when they in a couple of years have kids, wouldn't SHE want the family to fuss over HER baby too?
And yes, the hubby is a wuss. It's not like he has to be "confrontational" with his mother when he says, we are off to Livigno (great skiing there btw .) that week-end where ever - why not? If they pass it on as a matter of fact instead of trying to make excuses I think it'd be harder for anyone to hold it against them.
A
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 January 2016):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Honeypie and Tottochan. I'll tell your advice to my friend ( I can't just show her the posts, since I am calling her husband a wuss :) , and I am sure she'll be very comforted by your words. She is really uneasy about this issue because on one hand she would hate to be ungrateful or uncaring to people who have always been very nice to her, on the other hand she feels, just like Honeypie puts it, that her own spare time is not her own anymore. Also because ( I forgot to mention it in my post ) they want to start a family in 2 years max,- so it feels like " now or never " for travelling and having fun.
I agree that obviously her husband should be the one to handle / modify the situation , but, since I have got the feeling that this is not going to happen anytime soon,.... at least she will be relieved to know that there's people that "gets " her point, and her dilemma. Thank you .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2016):
I may not be the best to give advice on this one. I'm, a terrible DIL, SIL and aunt. I admit it.
BUT... here is what I'd do.
I'get a 52 week calendar. Plot in all the FAVORITE holidays and add all the 10 birthdays. And look at the calendar. How does it look? Then I would start to plan trips to places on the open week ends. Those would be NON-NEGOTIABLE. So if a last minute OH little so so and washed her hair come celebrate! It would be possible to say sorry, we got hotel booked (and then send a Happy Hairday card instead).
IF they (your friend and her husband) wants to try and spend Christmas in Paris, or New Years in NY (example) then NOW is the time to do it. Before kids etc. And I think it's PERFECTLY OK for a couple to do! I don't think that is disrespectful to a MIL/FIL/Family. I think it's ALL about finding compromises that can make everyone happy.
I can only imagine how LITTLE I would be home (at my house) if I were living back home, OR most places in Europe. Oh Italy! I would be exploring all over that gorgeous country!!
I think her husband needs to MAN up and stand by his wife, not BEHIND her when telling HIS parents. They would WITHOUT doubt take it SO much better if it came from him, not her.
When my grandparents were alive (and I lived back in Denmark) there was a family events at least once a month. It was often my mom's side AND my dad's all together and honestly? I enjoyed it all. Sometimes one of my uncles/aunts weren't there because they were travelling (for work or vacation) sometimes we missed a family event. But for me... Family is the best, but it CAN be tiresome when it seems like your own time (spare time
) isn't your own.
I'd give my EVERY weekend to MY side of the family if I was closer by. It's a pretty big dynamic, creative family, whereas... my husband's is.. well... not. Spending 4 hours watching my nieces snub my kids or expect them to babysit THEIR kids while they are busy on their cell phones is NOT my idea of "family fun".
So with the calendar your friend needs to look at ALL the open week-ends not the already pre-planned ones. And then make plans ahead of time.
How about her family? No demand on her time?
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (13 January 2016):
Hi there,I think how much ever involvement is comfortable for your friend is good enough. Every person might have a different level which they find comfortable, much will be dependent on the culture they grew up in, and of course, their own personality. She shouldn't feel suffocated into attending these dinner parties when she and her husband might want to do something else for a change.Plus, I totally get her predicament - she shouldn't have to be the one to tell. That might really hurt her in-laws, and make her seem like the villain. Moreover, her husband isn't too happy with the current arrangement either, so he should be a part of the discussion too. If he is not able to tell his parents that they need a small break, then maybe both of them , together, could casually ask his parents the next time they're at his parents' house - "Hey, we were really tied up with work and were looking forward to a short holiday.. would it be OK if we went during so-and-so time? We know it's so-and-so's birthday, so if it's not OK with you, then it's totally fine." And I'm sure that they'll be OK with it. The issue probably seems larger than what it really is simply because it hasn't been addressed. As you said that his family aren't patriarchal or dominating, so it should be completely fine.Only thing is, maybe they ought to avoid missing the nieces'/nephews' birthday since usually children like having their aunts and uncles around.Take care! :)
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