A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my long term boyfriend about 3 months ago now and I genuinely have lost all form of sex drive whatsoever. I used to have a really high sex drive during the relationship, masturbated, etc and now I couldn't think of anything worse. Relationships seem like the absolute last straw and I know this is only a temporary feeling- but has anyone got any tips or moving on and what to honestly look for in a guy? You might have guessed I was heartbroken- hence me going off sex completely but when me and my partner broke up I was evestataed to the point where I've recently realised I really forgot to love myself. What's a healthy approach to make sure I never end up forgetting about me along the way when I meet a guy again?Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): First-off, sorry about your relationship. It has only been three months! You've got to give yourself time.
You are already cognizant of the fact you lost yourself in the relationship. That comes from centering everything on the relationship; and making your boyfriend the center of your universe. If you don't keep a healthy outside-connection with friends and/or family; you'll get caught in his gravity, and you'll distance yourself form everyone else. Including yourself!
Once you understand why you feel as you do; then you can do something about it. I can relate, because I do take my relationships seriously, and I'm a giver by nature. A very close-friend of mine warned me that I was really too gun-ho about the relationship I was in. He told me to slow-down and pullback a little. Ultimately, the guy blindsided and dumped me!!! No fight, no disagreement, for no apparent reason! Fortunately, I had already taken the advice given by my dear friend. I did step-back and view things from a less "dependent" perspective. I was in a relationship; but the relationship was not me. It was not all that I lived for.
I had my own interests, friends, a great job, my personal-responsibilities; and he had his. I could have it all; while still appreciating my independence, holding-on to my own identity, and realizing I'm whole, not a half of someone else. I hate stupid terms like: "soul-mate"..."better-half"...or that some other person "completes me." You better be whole when you enter a relationship; or they will take everything with them when they go. As you've learned.
It's a good thing you're still so young. Youth gives you natural-resilience. You'll bounce right back! Just don't become bitter, or drag your baggage around from guy to guy. Creating new insecurities as you go. The younger-generation needs to just cut that out! "I don't wanna get hurt...wah wah wah!!!" Welcome to adult-life! News flash, sometimes you get hurt. You're not happy 24/7, and the world doesn't owe you anything! Speaking generally, not directed at you!
You can love, and give, but you still have to care enough for yourself to maintain self-confidence, be independent, recover from heartbreak, and love somebody else like you've never been hurt before. It's a life-long challenge; but only the strong survive. Weakness is a choice. You give-up in self-defeat; or you dust yourself off, and move on.
Knowing that men and women think differently; there are still rules of life that apply to both genders. You must love yourself, maintain affection for the person you are, embrace your best qualities, fix the fixable flaws, and never stop doing self-improvements to maintain your good character. A healthy self-esteem is not the same thing as conceit. Conceit is based on vanity. Self-esteem is a built-in mechanism designed to make you want to take care of yourself. To push yourself to succeed. Not to hand it over to other people, to do with as they please. It's yours, that's why it is called "SELF-esteem." Regard for YOU...YOURSELF! Selfishness, is a dark-emotion. Unrelated!
If it wasn't for the love in women, the world would fly apart. You've still got to hang-on to a piece of it for yourself! God put the ability to give-birth to new life in your hands! Imagine the mess we men would make of that!
Narcissism is sometimes confused with self-confidence, and loving yourself. If you can't pass a mirror, or not checkout your reflection passing a store window; you've gone too far! I mean, being happy with spending time alone. Not viewing being independent as being "lonely." Having fun by-yourself, making decisions for yourself, and setting goals for yourself. Rewarding yourself for good-behavior.
Going through the wretched-detachment process from someone you love, experiencing that grief and loss takes time to recover from. A breakup, or the death of your lover, can crush you! Been there, and done that!
You're on an emotional-roller-coaster; and go through a few weird phases after such a trauma. People your age always demand and expect things to occur in a speedy and expeditious way. In life, some things require time and patience. Whether you like it or not! You can act like a spoiled-child; demanding life to bend to your will, and just frustrate yourself! Or, you can go with the flow! That's why so many people are on pills. Even the simplest of life's challenges throw them into a full-blown tizzy.
Hello...sometimes we hurt and feel bad! Sometimes we hurt for a long-time. It's how we develop tools for survival, how we absorb rejection, develop empathy, learn to protect our emotions, gain self-control, and develop resilience. The victory is coming out on the other side! It says you're tough, and fit for battle! Strong! A force to be reckoned with! Worthy only of the best to be your match!
The pain will eventually stop. The healing begins when you decide to stop picking at the wounds. Self-pity serves no purpose. Self-preservation is necessary to survive.
He was not your world, he was a part of it. Now he's not. Dig deep, fight self-defeat, don't give into depression. Fight it with all your might! That is how you reactivate and regain self-love! It's programmed into memory. It's always there. You can pull too much of somebody else in; until you're lost in the dark-recesses of your own feelings and emotions.
When my first-love died of cancer. I too became celibate, and didn't feel attraction towards anyone for well over a year. Until I met that guy who dumped me. I give him credit for awakening my dormant-feelings. He reinvigorated my spirit. I got dumped, but I pulled it back together. Getting dumped was a new experience, but I overcame it. That's why I'm here helping you and other people; because I've been where you are. Now I'm reaching-out, and giving you a hand. You'll be just fine, my dear!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 August 2018):
 Start by working ob yourself. Get back to who you are and who you want to be. That should be your focus, not meeting another guy.
WHY?
Because you will attract better partners when you not only love yourself but love life.
How to ensure you don't lose you nest time?
Take time to do you, be you. Don't give up hobbies, family (unless that is toxic), friends (same) because you date someone.
We all lose a little of ourselves when with someone but if the relationship is good and healthy, we also gain a lot in other aspects.
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