A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about a month now and we like each other and he's made it quite clear he's attracted to me (and I am to him but I've made it less clear). Part of me would like to develop the relantionship into romantic direction but he doesn't understand one aspect about me which is very important to me. He doesn't seem to understand the whole subject on larger scale either (or he has his views which to me seem quite narrowminded and irrealistic). I've tried to talk to him about it but I guess he's stubborn too because he just won't even think about it twice. I can't change my views on this subject because of my personal experience (I would have to deny parts of myself in order not to see it the way I do) - he has no personal experience on this subject himself but still won't listen to me. I don't know what to do? I like him and I'm attracted to him physically but partly he really irritates and upsets me because of this thing. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): I would only think it's an issue if you are a transsexual that is going to have an op to change your gender to male and he's not gay or vice versa and you are male but consider yourself female and are going to change.
OP, it's kind of like trying to explain to a person that there is no such thing as god. You can't educate someone on something that they don't understand or want to understand.
Now I would normally say if this has no bearing on who you are, you're not going to change yourself from the person he chose to date to someone of another gender or perhaps who dresses as another gender that this could be worked out but it's a fundamental part of who you are, and it's no that he doesn't understand it, it's not a tough concept to understand. Some women are born with penises, men with vaginas, that's not so abstract and complex that he doesn't get it OP, he just chooses not to believe it.
Basically OP he's choosing not to accept a part of who you are, he's not willing to believe it and as an effect believe in you. He's choosing OP because it's a medical and psychological fact that this does exist and is a thing. He's choosing not to believe a fact.
This is not something that can't be worked past. You either have to accept that he doesn't accept it, or you can keep trying. I don't see it working.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (19 November 2012):
 Thank you for the follow up,
I want to say this in the nicest most politically correct way possible.
When it comes to the topic of trans-sexuality, same sex attraction, gender dysphoria, or transvestism, which although I know they are all different, are frequently lumped together, you are more likely to find inflexible attitudes than any other topic area.
FA
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 November 2012):
 Hello,
I just want to check that you are explaining this subject to him in a clear way? Your post is far from clear, and your follow up only explains things a little more. I'm not actually sure what the whole story is, and can't really advise.
What I mean is, I hope you have been able to sit down and tell him frankly whatever it is you need to discuss, rather than beating around the bush and being obtuse. Because otherwise I wouldn't blame him for not not understanding or not being flexible in his views.
But if you have been more clear with him than you are being here, and he still won't budge, then I would move on. You don't sound compatible despite the mutual attraction. Being irritated by someone's attitude - especially when subject is so important to you - is only going to get worse over time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2012):
 Seems to me that you two just aren't that well matched intellectually.
I agree with FA - physical attraction isn't always enough.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (19 November 2012):
To answer your question without going into any of the specifics that you are so carefully dancing around, You have a core belief, and you will not be able to be happy whilst you are living in opposition to that belief. He not only does not share your belief, but actively opposes it.
So, no, you can not build a long term committed relationship (romantic or otherwise)with someone you are not happy with. Physical attraction is not enough. You will be better off not pursuing a physical only relationship. It appears that you desire more than that in your life.
He is no more likely to change his core belief on this matter than you are. He has shown that he is unwilling to "listen to you". That is his way of saying he won't change. He can also not live in opposition to his core beliefs and be happy.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): I'm the author of the question, the 'thing' is transsexualism. He doesn't seem to understand that there are gender variations and I know some people never will.. so I don't know if i should try to educate him or just give up. He doesn't see a problem with having a relationship with me but the fact he doesn't *understand* this concept is a problem to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): Sorry OP but without the "thing" you are talking about, it's impossible to advise you.
We can't tell you whether it's a deal breaker, a flaw or something that can be worked out if you don't tell us what it is.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (19 November 2012):
 He may not be stubborn and seems he don't want a real an ship lol relationship either. It's a agree to disagree situation. And he is sitting with his decision not being stubborn. That one aspect appears to be deal breaker for you. Find someone willing he don't want the stress mistress and you being angry could be stressful too for yourself.
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