A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have an issue which has many facets so I will try to summaries it as best as I can.- Been with girlfriend for 6 years (she is in mid twenties)- She has a minor disability and I look after her every need.. probably too much!- Lived together for at-least 4 years- Got engaged to marry last year- Had health issues for the last 1.5 years (unknown fatigue)- Diagnosed January this year with Cancer- Decided to buy a newbuild house (always wanted to) this summer so started the ball rolling with paperwork etc (due to complete contract exchange shortly)- Beat cancer in August this yearNow that I have a second chance at life I have looked back at myself and realise how I have wrongly been trying to live for her, and not for me.. always put her happiness above mine.As a result she does not respect me as a man, and emotionally treads on me like a doormat. Several times over the years we have been together, she has sex texted other guys in secret (but never met them).Well im back, and kicking ass at everything in life now... whilst respecting others I have shifted the priorities to Me before anyone else.In doing so I have realised that I deserve better than how she treats me, and my new found confidence is turning heads... I'm back on the map and wanted by people because I look after myself.I love and care for her deeply and im not sure what to do... I know that us purchasing a house together is probably not a good idea, but I just don't know how to break things off with her... plus its extremely hard to get on the property ladder here.I am her first proper boyfriend and I think she is scared of responsibility and being alone... And now she is attempting the effort of trying to keep me by preparing meals, and other things that I just did for the both of us by default.Its heart breaking and I am feeling quite vulnerableI need to make a decision on the house NOW, as the lawyers are wanting to perform the contract exchange.. soo much pressure! Any advice you can give would be awesome!Kind regards
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Massage, here is the update as requested.I have told her that I need space in life to get over my traumatic health battle, and that if we have any chance of working things out then we should live separately.. There have been endless chats that go full circle, but I have been standing firm.The cooking thing was just an example of the lack of investment that my partner has in herself.. she wont do anything in life, AT ALL... without someone kicking her ass to do it.. and then she resents them for it.I am talking basic things, its just so draining and all consuming... and im at my wit's end... after 8 years she has proven that she will not change.
A
male
reader, massage  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Give us a follow-up. I'll be interested to find out what next for you! Good luck. Also not being able to afford the house isn't an excuse to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. and it's not that bad if she can't cook...work on it together... let het take cooking lessons. I feel that there is more to these superficial issues...but i guess when the little things accumulate, they explosde eventually...Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Anon, think I have made up my mind now... just need to move on.
Im all talk when discussing this with other people but seemingly chicken out when face to face with her.
Time to man up :)
Thank you everyone else, the time you have kindly taken to share your opinions greatly helps and validates my thinking
Kind regards
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Hi again,This is Anonymous from 11 November - I'll call myself Anon11With the extra details you have provided, more opinions...Ok, so she was there for you when you were dealing with cancer, albeit with some shortcomings in the meal department, that isn't a deal-breaker but something that she can learn/work on if she really wanted to. Each couple has to work out who will be the "chef" in the home. Traditionally and usually it's the woman, but sometimes the guy has a passion for it or more experience if both want to eat a good meal ;-) So if she really wants to serve you in that way, she could always go for lessons and get excited about cooking exciting adventurous meals, or even just get the basics right.Having no experience with cerebral palsy, I read up a bit about it and note it refers to an umbrella term that refers to a group of disorders affecting a person’s ability to move: "affects people in different ways and can affect body movement, muscle control, muscle coordination, muscle tone, reflex, posture and balance. People who have cerebral palsy may also have visual, learning, hearing, speech, epilepsy and intellectual impairments."From what you said it sounds like she is mostly affected by body movement/pain which CAN be delibetating however not an excuse to do nothing, to give up, to expect everything to be done for her. Even severely handicapped people get pride in wanting or TRYING to do things for themselves, for their independence (this I learnt from my bf who worked with them)Also my Dad who had a degenerative disease, he too fought the good fight daily, and unless he had fallen and needed help getting up, he tried to do everything himself and didn't succumb to the victim mentality. With encouragement and foresight, she can realise that there are bad days and painful days, and when there are good days, to seize the day and do her best! Perhaps she must read books or see movies or go to institutions where people have had a terrible road accident and have to learn everything again from scratch, where they beat the odds, where they defeat every battle with small baby steps! Courage, bravery, the never give up mentality! You or whoever is with her, can support and encourage her, but ultimately the desire to LIVE as fully as possible must come from her. She is young, she must have HOPE! It's never too late until it's over. Her main aim must be: best quality of life under the circumstances she has to endure. Aha, you were slightly GUILTY ;-) in that she did the s*xting due to feeling "abandoned" from your studying/occasional gaming. This is still not an excuse though, because if she really felt that strongly about it, she needed to have communicated that with you. We will let her off the hook this time due to immaturity/inexperience, but she should know better. When you love someone, you communicate, you share, you want their best. You don't go behind their back and cheat emotionally on them - that does not bring you closer together, it breaks the trust and causes a rift. You mentioned apologising for it on each occasion - it should have ended after the first discovery. Should you go forward with the relationship, this would need to be communicated as a boundary - never again or else!It sounds like you have grown from your experience, it is helping you improve yourself and your life in general, which is one of those "blessings in disguise" people mention. I believe your relationship is the next item on the Agenda of ... what now?Well done on seeing a counsellor already - and so they felt you had made up your mind but wanted permission to "dump her". Was their assessment of her equal to what you felt? I guess even if it was or wasn't, ultimately it's YOUR feelings at the end of the day that matter.It's great that you are asking for opinions/advice because you may fear that you are making a mistake, or need to take everything into consideration before making a final decision one way or the other.Sorry you can't afford the house on your own, but when the time is right, when conditions are ideal, it will happen.So while you have space and time to think, I guess it all boils down to: is she worth it? is she "the one" lucky enough to catch you? to be with you forever? I'm sure you know no relationship is perfect, everybody has to deal with daily irritations, disappointments, stress, pressure, problems, but at the end of the day, are you a team? Do you feel you can weather all those storms WITH HER BY YOUR SIDE, or will you fare better without her? Are you happy around her, or do you feel relief and happiness away from her? Believe it or not, many years ago when I broke up with an ex, that is what helped me make my decision. I sat in the garden, with my dog for company, and did a lot of thinking. I realised at the time that every time I saw my bf, it felt like there was a wall (he wasn't sharing everything); it felt like I was the only one paddling the canoe of the relationship trying to take it forward; and it dawned on me: I was the only one trying, making an effort. I also realised, when I'm with him, he is either making me unhappy, or we end up arguing, or he is showing a lack of sensitivity, and after realising I'll be happier alone than with him, it made my decision for me! I called him, we met up, I ended it, and although at first I was immediately already missing him, it was all the years of "habit". I went NC and after 3 months when he returned shaking and citing "the biggest mistake of his life letting me get away" it was too late. I had rebuilt my happiness without him, and although there was nobody else, I was still happier alone than being miserable with someone who wasn't prepared to be honest, and share everything with me, amongst other reasons. My bf now is "the one". We have many problems that could influence our relationship, every kind of hardship you can imagine, including dealing with loss of precious family members on both our sides, financial, stress, pressure, careers, etc etc etc yet, we find moments every day to LAUGH, even if it's just the way he says something. We communicate about everything, and I know, deep down in my heart, he really truly cares. He loves me not because he says it, but because he shows me all the time in big or small ways with thoughtfulness, or taking my feelings into account. He is not perfect, he too can be lazy, he too can be inattentive, he too can ... add the reason, but the bottom line is: I love him with all my heart, warts and all, and no matter what life throws at us, together as a team, we can face it all knowing we have each other's backs. That is how I made my decision: it's simple really - sure, I love him, but, am I happy with him? Despite all the problems, am I happy with him, being with him, spending my days with him? (we live together) the answer is YES. If there is anything I am unhappy about, I share it with him, I explain how it makes me feel, and we work on it, and vice versa. I have grown as a person with him, and every adversity we encounter, only brings us closer together. So you love and care for your girlfriend/fiance. You proposed last year which means you already faced the future and questioned if you wanted her in it. Since then, you have faced mortality and have made many changes.Now it's a case of, despite the cerebral palsy and the challenges it poses, despite her lack of effort in the kitchen, despite her mistakes in the past: does she make you happy? Do you enjoy being with her? Spending time with her? Do you trust her? If no, then it's easier to make a decision. Once you make it, stand firm and let her find her own way, as she is doing now with her sister. It's not your responsibility how she fares in future.If the answer is YES, then you go forward with her, but make those necessary changes: she makes an effort in the kitchen, she stops her emotional cheating and you both grow from the experience, together. Her spending time away now is a good opportunity for her to realise what she may be losing, and I'm sure that will bring about change already. You could try, give it a 3 month probation ;-) and see if you are happy? If not, then it makes it easier to move on.When we are in a situation, we think it's the only option and we can't see objectively/clearly. In hindsight, we realise there were many options. Sometimes those decisions are blessings in disguise. In my case, I feel I was spared having had things so clear to enable me to make the decision to leave, which I am eternally grateful for. I'm so much happier now, and it took YEARS to find or meet THE ONE, but I never compromised, or lowered my standards. When I least expected it, he appeared, and he is everything I ever wanted :) Good Luck this week as you think, pray (if you're a believer) and make your decision on the way forward. Nothing is cast in stone - if you decide to keep her and some months down the line you're back where you are now, you can then end it comfortably knowing you tried everything. If you break up with her, and a couple of months later you realise you made a mistake and want her back, she may or may not be available, but either way, you will both have grown from the situation and learnt what you want or don't want anymore.All the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all, you time and answers really help!Quick update on the questions you have asked:-When you were dealing with cancer, who was besides you?=She was there and cared for me with great emotion.. My only criticism would be that she (like always) would not really cook me any meals when I went through chemo.. usual excuse being that she is scared of getting it wrong. Sigh-Disability type?=Mild cerebral palsy.. gives her pain to walk (on her left side) and we cant really use her left hand for anything-During your heart to heart, find out why she did it? What made her look elsewhere for fun? Was it when you were sick? Feeling your lowest?=The reasons she did it was due to me spending alot of time studying and occasionally gaming... this was not communicated at the time and I have apologised for it on each occasion.. it did not occur when I was sick-Your mentioning you are "turning heads" is that the reason you now also have doubts about your fiance? Last year you got engaged, then you got diagnosed in January. What changed from you wanting to spend the rest of your life with her, to now? Is it facing mortality? Deserving better? Or is there someone else who is being nice, who has suddenly popped into the front?=Since my remission news I have been on a journey of self improvement, and have made several changes which resulted in a confidence boost and a reduction in social anxiety.. thats why im being noticed.. nothing elseI guess the other questions are mostly rhetorical.. but forgive me if I have missed anything worthy :)I have been to see a councillor on my own and after their initial assessment they believe I have made up my mind but wanted the therapy to give permission to dump her.. figures I guess.I cannot afford the house on my own.. found that out today, thats probably for the best as it is a new build and we have chosen all our own customisations together.. living there would be a constant reminder.She has now agreed to go and stay with her sister until the weekend to give me some space.Kind regards
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): Hi Anonymous,Whatever you do, DO NOT purchase a home together - at least, not yet irrespective how hard it is to be on the property list.There is a lot that must be done before that permanent step which would mean much worse problems in the long run if not addressed. You have had this girlfriend 6 years, and in some relationships you either grow as individuals and together, in others, you just exist with no growing. This sounds like an existing/survival kind of relationship. You didn't state what exactly her disability is, however you class it as minor but that you look after her every need. If we knew what it was, it would help in terms of whether she is just using and abusing you.Despite the very tough year, well done on beating the big C in August, a huge victory! Getting the newbuild home sounds like a dream you have had a long time, so go ahead with it, but only put YOUR NAME on it.Then have a long, quality talk with your fiance!Tell her what you have told us: that she doesn't respect you as a man, that she has hurt you, taken you for granted, abused your kindness, and now that you have a new perspective having survived a life threatening illness, you see things clearer!You need to set boundaries and if she ever steps out of line with texting intimate conversations with other guys, it's over. She can't have her fiance looking after her ever need, and then looking elsewhere for more fun.During your heart to heart, find out why she did it? What made her look elsewhere for fun? Was it when you were sick? Feeling your lowest? That could not be helped and she should have been focused on you, and helping you, for all the times you are there for her.Everyone deserves to be respected and treated right. Your mentioning you are "turning heads" is that the reason you now also have doubts about your fiance? Last year you got engaged, then you got diagnosed in January. What changed from you wanting to spend the rest of your life with her, to now? Is it facing mortality? Deserving better? Or is there someone else who is being nice, who has suddenly popped into the front? You mention being "wanted by people" - that signals someone else on the horizon. You love and care for her deeply - but do you still want to spend the future with her? Or do you just fear change? Fear losing her out of habit? Guilt for all the help you give her?Nope, purchasing a house together right now is a BIG MISTAKE, and that is the only clear thing in everything you said and ask.You don't know how to break things off? Is that what you ultimately want? If it is, then you do it. Then it means your heart is no longer in it. You can't pretend, you can't force yourself to stay, and you can't stay out of regret or fear of hurting her. You have to love her, totally and unconditionally and want to be with her forever, if you don't, then move on. It will be better for both of you.Forget the property ladder! That is not the focus - irrespective how hard it is, it's a permanent factor that needs a secure relationship before you even consider it. The alternative is lawyers and problems for YEARS.........The redeeming factors on her behalf are: you are her first proper boyfriend and from what you have said, it SOUNDS like you have treated her wonderfully, taken care of her, and been there for her, so you have given her a good example. However, that is your perspective and your side to us. If we sat her down and asked her, her opinion, what would she tell us? How does SHE feel? She is younger, and has nursed her sick boyfriend the past year... Did she do this? Was she there for you? If she wasn't, your decision is easier.Everyone learns responsibility either in time, or forced into it, or out of necessity. Being scared of being alone on her part is not a good enough reason to cling to someone. If SHE doesn't love you, then she must find another solution. Either return to her family, or friends, or shelters, but to stay with a guy out of habit, or a meal ticket, is no longer acceptable. So she either LOVES YOU TOTALLY and you make a try, or you break up.She is making an effort now - it could be another redeeming factor, or is it a case of too little too late?In terms of the house, don't let that make your decision for you. First focus on YOU, and HER. Do you want her? Forever? Can you work on it? If you went to couple's counselling, do you think it would improve? Do you think she can keep up the new changes? If yes, get the new house, but in YOUR NAME ONLY, and then let her know if she reverts back to her old ways, she is HISTORY. You are no longer the "sucker", you have faced death and you want to live life FULLY, and be respected and LOVED the way you deserve and if she can't give you that, then you will release her.This is a time to look after yourself, to stay at peace, not be under this kind of pressure.Perhaps seek counselling for youself, having survived the Big C, and what it has meant to you, how you feel, what you seek going forward, and then bring her into the equation in your therapy, share everything about what has happened and then let her join you in the sessions and see if there is redeeming love or not.You sound like a great guy, and having survived, you now deserve all the happiness you could ever imagine! I hope she can give it to you, if not, go out there and find it, and release this fish to the water for other adventures.Good Luck!
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (11 November 2013):
 First off, congratulations on staying strong through the hardships life has handed you over the past year. You sound like a great person with a great attitude, which brings me to my point... you DO deserve better than how you're allowing yourself to be treated in this relationship.Notice I said "allowing". Every day that you stay with this woman is like you raising your hand and saying you are someone who deserves to be walked all over and emotionally cheated on. The fact is, you *don't* deserve that, as you have now realized. Her disability, whatever part of her body it affects, is no excuse for the lack of conscience she shows in repaying your kindness by pursuing other men. She may be playing damage control now because she realizes how easy she's had it and now she's at risk of losing what she took for granted, but someone who genuinely appreciates you will never treat you that way in the first place.Needless to say I'd strongly recommend you not get the house WITH her. You don't say whether she would be contributing anything financially (sounds unlikely) but if you can't quite afford it yourself there's always the option of renting out a room or two to help make your mortgage payment. That to me would be a much safer option than making a huge and binding financial decision with someone who's broken your trust and with whom you are debating a breakup.As for how you would tell her you want to end things, I'd just keep it simple. What you posted here is more than adequate justification and it sounds as if she's quite aware of that, hence the last-ditch efforts to clean up her act. Sure she'll be upset; she's losing her meal ticket, but this isn't a one-time mistake or something she did overnight. It's an established pattern of behavior in the relationship and in your shoes I would find something like that much harder to forgive.Whatever your decision, I wish you all the best with this :)
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A
male
reader, massage +, writes (10 November 2013):
I think you shouldn't get the house together, it would be a big mistake.
then talk your feelings out with her. but before that, when you were dealing with cancer, who was besides you? if she was there, then you should think throughly you decision. if she wasn't then it's time for you to move on. It's unnaceptable for her to sext other guys too WTF?
it will be hard to move on, but once you do, stay a little bit by yourself, plan your second chance in life, once you do choose wisely.
Regardless of you status of relashionship, DO NOT WRITE THE HOUSE under your both names...
Kinder regards
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): -I love and care for her deeply and im not sure what to do... I know that us purchasing a house together is probably not a good idea, but I just don't know how to break things off with her... plus its extremely hard to get on the property ladder here.-That is a TOTAL red flag, sweetheart. And I'm afraid you're a recovering co-dependent. that means that you care for others to the point where you short yourself. You just realized that that was what you were doing and you're trying to put a stop to it. Problem is, she's so used to being allowed to walk on you that when you stand up to her, she isn't having it. I DEFINITELY would NOT get a house with her at all, that will only make things worse. She's in love with the "you" that allowed her to walk all over you. When you change, she'll do everything she can to get things back to the way they were when you were being a doormat. if I were you, I would end the relationship and let her know that you've been doing a lot of self-searching and decided that this relationship wasn't for you. Then I would RUN in the opposite direction without looking back.
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