A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is quite a lot to read but theres a lot of detail to it. ive been trying online dating for a while had a few dates but nothing special yet. A guy messaged me and we got chatting i could tell the relief in him that i wasnt stuck up and and shallow . Anyway we have been chatting for 2 month but not solid 2 month . At the beginning he was happy i was a real person and gave me his phone number but i told him to slow down it appeared he was putting all his hopes on me. after a couple of week he went quiet then when he came back on he said he hadnt been well so i thought ok . Then after a week he blocked me and i didnt know why then 3 days later he unblocked me and was messaging me as tho nothing had happened so i kind of had words with him but i wasnt nasty . He claimed his account had been hacked to this day i still dont believe him. Anyway i gave him a chance to open up more and he admitted he doesnt work ( when he explained why i didnt mind ) and he suffers from ptsd ( this hasnt put me off him ) . Its been 9 years since he left the army and im not sure how long hes suffered this for. Ive done some investigating about him and found he is legit , we arranged a date for 30th sept which is next week but he hasnt been online for nearly 2 week again . A couple of times i had messaged him before and know he read my message but never replied. The thing is i dont feel like meeting him next week because he is dragging his feet so to speak as in getting to know each other and him going quiet isnt helping . were not getting to know each other much so doesnt feel right to me now i feel like waiting a few more week. i know everyone will think hes married or hiding something and hes flaky and i should be careful and not put all my hopes on him . We have to remember he suffers from ptsd ( due to army life) i may sound a bit too over the top but i like to do a big check on people if im going to meet them im very careful. so i know hes not married and im deffo not putting all my hopes on him . Does it sound harsh if i message him and say the date is off for 30th sept we need to get to know each other more not just an odd random message here and there and arrange something for oct ? i worry a bit because certain things can knock someone down and it could be worse with ptsd . Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): Call it off! Never get yourself deeply involved when someone tells you straight-off that he's suffering from a mental-health disorder as serious as PTSD. Then he shows you signs of unreliability and erratic-behavior.
People sometimes have this notion of nobility; and think they're exhibiting tolerance by bypassing their better judgement. In this case, political-correctness does not apply.
In the dating-world, women should not take chances with men who might do them harm. If he tells you he has a profound mental-disorder from the jump; proceed with extreme caution. Better yet; politely excuse yourself, and move on.
You don't know what you're getting yourself into. You'll start to feel pity for him, and you'll find yourself afraid to pull-away for fear of what he might do to you, or to himself.
Now is the best time. Since he can go no-contact whenever it suits his fancy, just politely back-out. Find someone who doesn't need to be fixed. The point is to find a suitable match; not a human repair-project. You may not be equipped to handle his issues. Then what?
DO NOT LEAD HIM ON!!!
My dear, it's fine to by a house that's a fixer-upper, take in a rescue pet from a shelter; or adopt a kid who needs love and a home. The worst thing women do is try to rescue broken-men with love. The price is too high. Never date people out of pity, that is patronizing.
Tell him you've decided to cancel the date. The unexpected loss of contact; and irregular-communications just doesn't work for you. No further explanation is required.
Have balls if you're going to date people you meet online. You may find yourself in situations you can't get out of, if you don't learn to! You safety depends on it!
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 September 2017):
 I wouldn't even be thinking about the date, I'd be blocking this guy and moving on.
You don't know whether you're coming or going with him. I don't think it's his PTSD that's making him ignore you, I just think he's a messer.
Move past him, you will meet someone that doesn't play games like he's doing. Who blocks someone they're trying to get to know? People don't hack others to block people's phone numbers, complete bullshit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 September 2017):
 Trust your gut instinct and don't do anything because you feel you "should" or because you worry about the affect it will have on him.
You are very sensible to do as much checking up on potential dates as you can before meeting them. I am sure you are also savvy enough to meet in public and let someone know where you are and what time you should be "checking in" with them once the date is over.
In your shoes I would have drawn a line under this potential relationship already, purely based on his unpredictability and blowing hot and cold. Call me cynical but to me that sounds like he is in contact/dating other women as well and blocks you when he gets "busy" with someone else. We are all different but this sort of behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.
Bottom line: definitely call off the date for the end of the month if you feel uneasy about it. Explain to him exactly why you are doing it and, if he takes on board what you say and tries harder, then perhaps a date in the future will materialise. If he reacts badly, then your solution should be obvious.
Stay safe and all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 September 2017):
 Nope, listen to your gut.
I'm MARRIED to a retired military man with PTSD myself. He didn't have it when we first met, it wasn't until after a couple of really rough deployments.
While he isn't a "bad" case, there are definitely days he is hard to deal with. There are nights I go sleep on the couch because he screams or kick/punch in his sleep which I KNOW isn't his "fault" but staying in bed isn't helping either of us.
The guy seems all over the place with his first trying to push things fast, then blocking an unblocking and all that jazz...
If he is not doing well he NEEDS to seek help. The VA has many programs for soldiers/former soldiers suffering from PTSD. I know MANY (especially men) who suffers in silence but they don't suffer alone, EVERYONE around them suffers with them.
Instead of rescheduling, cancel and wish him well. Then block and move on.
You can't FIX this for him. Talking more online will NOT fix his PTSD either.
You have a gut feeling this isn't good, so TRUST in that and let him go.
You wouldn't buy a car without an engine and hope it grows an engine of its own.
I'm not saying that people with PTSD and other issues don't deserve love, friendship, and a happy future - but someone with SEVERE PTDS is not in his "right" mind for a relationship. He needs to work on himself a bit more and his head "straight" on. THAT takes work. Work that HE needs to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (20 September 2017):
I think you have to do what's right for you. You can't make too many allowances for his condition when ultimately you won't feel comfortable during the meeting and it will suffer as a result. Remember, no matter what anyone's mental health status is you only owe them the truth.The main problem with online dating is that suddenly the first in the flesh meeting is a big deal, when really all the talk before is meaningless until you have met them- it is only a first date and as such you are perfectly justified to leave it there. Regrettably talking via the internet or on the phone can't give you the information you need to make a judgement about this.He is flaky, his justifications don't add up, you have to use your gut and discard his PTSD.By all means put him off, then if you are confident try and schedule a meeting on the pretext of something else- a brief lunch on the way to something else for instance, that way you can bring all of your senses to bear on whether you really trust him. Just as in all first dates, somewhere in the day, somewhere busy and with a fixed time where you have to be on your way. Don't do any thing you wouldn't do and trust your gut. Only then will you be able to decide whether his mental health is something you want to deal with. Good luck
...............................
|
