A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I travelled cross country to visit his brother and his brothers family (wife and kids) over Christmas holiday. It was the first time I would really get to spend one on one time with them. I get along very well with all the rest of my husband's family, but with his brothers family I struggled. I feel they are passive aggressive. And I wanted your opinions. Upon arriving at their home, out of left field their 9 year old daughter informs me in a haughty manner that they are very upper crust and to please not embarrass them while we are there visiting. What a thing to say. That was the first red flag. I might add that is not the type of thing a 9 year old just comes up with. That is a thought planted by an adult. Anyway, I bought his nieces (9 and 11 yrs old) several gifts for Christmas including board games for the entire family. They opened all of their gifts with their parents, thanked me and their parents put the gifts aside. We spent a lot of time that day playing other board games that they had gotten in the mail from other relatives, I found it strange that they wouldn't open mine so that we could play.The next day a cousin of theirs dropped by to say hello and brought them a gift. It was a boardgame. I was surprised by their reaction, they all acted so excited about his gift and immediately opened it and all sat down to play it.I started to get the feeling that they were deliberately not opening the board games I got them to undermine me. By acting uninterested in the gifts, they would make me feel less important. The next day was my birthday. They each wished me a happy birthday in passing. On their way to the bathroom and stuff. That was it. If the tables were turned, they came all the way to visit us, were staying in my house, and it was one of their birthdays, I would've baked or bought a cake, set out candles, popped a bottle of wine and make sure to sing them a proper happy birthday. But it's not fair to make comparisons. Though it could've been an opportunity they could've taken to show me some love, they really were not obligated to do anything. And they didn't. And whatever.They did, however, on my birthday keep mentioning the incredible plans they had made for their daughter's birthday in two months. That was a big topic of conversation on my birthday. One day I had asked my sister in law if she would like to play tennis with me sometime. We agreed on playing together that Sunday. On Sunday I'm up early ready to head to the club and she comes out and says she already has plans that morning to play tennis with her doubles partners. I still got to play tennis because I played with my husband instead. What bothered me was the complete lapse in memory of the plans we had made and no acknowledgment of it. Again the message was: I'm not important enough to keep plans with or even remember them.One night the four of us adults were listening to music. We were each taking turns playing a song we each liked. When it was my turn, my sister in law turned down my song very low and started talking over it with my husband about something. So no one really heard my song. When the song was over my husband chose a song, she yelled, "I love this song!" And turned it up really loudly and they all started singing. Stuff like this just kept happening constantly the entire trip. By the end of the trip my patience was very short and I just couldn't wait to go home.It bothers me too because despite the very real passive-aggressive attacks I believe I was experiencing, these aggressions are so subtle that they can go completely unnoticed to every one else, (my husband did not notice), therefore they're so easy to deny and to bring it up makes you sound like the crazy one. But it really started to affect my mood. And then it just seems like I'm just a moody person. My husband and his brother are very close.Any advice? Thank you!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 June 2020):
 My take?
1. Your birthday. Well, I think it should have been ON your BF to arrange something there. Even if it was just a dinner out for the 2 of you.
2. the singing thing. She IS doing it on purpose but in a subtle way that most people won't notice (especially men lol) but TWO can play the game she plays. Like the anon female mentioned, turn down the music while she was talking and restarting OVER and OVER when she interrupts might make her realize her game is noticed.
3. The kid and the idiotic statement of being posh. WTAF?! I would have laughed so hard at that statement and then ignored it. Yes, it comes from the parents for sure.
4. The tennis things, DEFINITELY on purpose. She knew. But again, two can play that game. I would have pointed out that it is OH SO FINE! Don't worry, you really rather play with the hubby :) she just MADE your day! A "kill her with kindness approach" that makes her look like an idiot to anyone casually observing.
Lastly? MAKE friends with your BIL. She might not WANT to be friends but I think he might want to make the effort. SO I'd focus on him.
Another thing, THIS happened 6 months ago!!! and it's still on your mind! Which means, SHE wins EVERYTIME you think about it. Plus you might fill in stuff she didn't REALLY do or intend because of the things she DID do. Therefore my advice? Go for the "kill her with kindness" approach. Remember their birthdays, send cards from you and your hubby for ALL of theirs. If you can afford it a gift/giftcard for the kiddos. Kids might hear their mom talk down about you but cards and gifts? They love that, which means over time you might even win over the kids. And the BIL. Then she will be the one on the outside. NOT that I think that is the way to go... but winning people over person by person might work better than stewing in being offended at her petty slights.
AT the end of the day, she isn't your friend. She is family BY marriage. She isn't as special as she think she is. She likes to play games. You can play some yourself, "kill" her with kindness and pretend you don't notice ANYTHING stupid/unkind she does and basically show her that you got thicker skin than her.
This is who SHE is. Be the bigger person in the room. the kinder and nicer. It won't change her, but it will make all her nonsense totally unimportant to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): Your husband is at big fault here, he should have made it very clear by his own EFFORTS to make your birthday special and not go unnoticed. You are not imagining this, they are a bunch of CENSORS. You are making excuses for their behavior, I don't believe for one minute the tennis match was not a lapse of memory, if it was she could have still accommodated and honored her date with you by dividing her time. Music night, yeh, she probably turned your music down on purpose, people do little stunts like this. I once had somebody at a Xmas meal one evening try a similar stunt but it was to try and attack my Yorkshire Accent, in the hope of embarrassing me because they spoke posh or so they think. I was asked to read something at the table in front of the group. My response was, to stand up tall and read so loud that the whole restaurant heard me, and then I said, in fact, I'll read it twice. I know exactly what they ere trying to do and unfortunately, it backfired on her, I got a round of applause and laughter and compliments on my Yorkshire' ness. Moral of that story, when somebody tries to shrink you, stand up and be counted (my dad's wise words).No need for any confrontations, just be bold the more they try to get bigger and more confident, if she turns your music down again, ask her to turn to pause it while she talks (deliberately) or replay it. Don't let morons treat you this way. Next year get them a present that you feel fitting with no expectations of them opening it.If nobody celebrates your birthday, go and celebrate it YOURSELF do something really special.The little toe rag that came up to you andsaid that they are very upper crust and to please not embarrass them while we are there visiting is an example of either a good sense of humour or a sorry state of mind that has been poisoned by adults. Take no notice of the child it's not her fault, she needs good parenting.Are you sure the green-eyed monster is not involved somewhere with the sister in law, does her husband like you?
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