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What should I do about my girlfriend hitting me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend has started hitting me lately when we argue. Any feedback on what I should do is much appreciated.

We have been dating for over a year. We rarely fought during the first year. However, recently we have started fighting more. We moved pretty fast. We moved in unofficially after 4 months, officially after 6 months. I can sometimes be stubborn. I am almost always calm when we are fighting. I never call names or use any physical violence whatsoever.

She seems to go from collected to full blown angry in seconds. Today we fought over the fact that she was getting ready for our lunch date we had planned for 12. She still had 45minutes before she was ready at 11:30, one of her old girl-friends called and they talked for an hour. So she still had around 30-45 minutes to get ready at 12:30. I suggested we do lunch tomorrow, as we were heading to a brunch restaurant anyways. She blew up. Regardless, if I was right or wrong, she went from 0-120 in a second. I tried to mend things and said we could still go, that maybe I was being to rigid. She would have none of it and told me she could not be happy now that I suggested going tomorrow.

She seems like she wants resolutions to every disagreement immediately. Regardless of the severity of the issue at hand. She seems to be skipping the more calm and collective middle ground when trying to resolve issues, these days, and skips right to the emotional blow-out, which sometimes also leads her to physically attack me. I must admit, sometimes I just do not agree with her. She always has to end things with me apologizing. She rarely says sorry about anything. It could be more one-sided as we men tend to say and do stupid things sometimes, but I have done nothing of any serious consequence. I always listen, but I do not always feel as though I am in the wrong. She equates my not saying sorry with me not listening. However, I always tell her that I am listening, however, I do not agree with everything she is saying.

Can anyone with personal experience or who is a professional discern anything from this? I grew up in a family where there was zero physical violence. virtually zero name calling and zero cursing at one's loved one. I do none of these things and thus I am greatly affected by her when she does these types of things. oh, and I am pretty sure her family has had zero physical violence. I am not sure on the cursing.

View related questions: moved in, violent

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A female reader, kayla20 United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2010):

kayla20 agony auntshe obviously has a short temper which she finds hard to control but have you ever thought maybe she has issues within the relationship like maybe because you are around each other alot she doesnt get the space she needs to get excited when she sees you again and because you live together you find things about someone that you dont like but you dont want to open up and tell that person what the problems are you just build them all up together and then you explode.

i have a short temper me and my boyfriend moved in more or less straight away and was fine at the start but because i wasnt spending any time apart from him and i didnt like the way he done certain things i would flip straight away without trying to solve the problem talking it through.my boyfriend told me that if i have any issues to do with myself and the way im feeling or even if its to do with him i should talk to him about them and not let them build up because if you dont talk about them things never change and you keep getting angry all the time so i told him the only reason i dont talk about them is because il feel like im moaning all the time and if i was to talk about the problems id have i wouldnt agree with his response and itd just cause more rows however i decided to do it his way and things have been alot better i mean occasionally i have a problem with my temper but im able to control it better now i actually tell him my problem maybe you should sit your girlfriend down and say to her in the nicest way possible that you both cant be getting at eachothers throats all the time as its not making the relationship healthy.dont act like its all to do with her look at some of the tings you have argued about and see it from her point of view where you could have done it differently so take the blame for some of it even if u dont feel your in the rong as you dont want her thinking your sitting down to lecture her on her behaviour when she feels that your in the rong too so u need to show that you both have your faults and need to wrk at them to make things better.then tell her that without arguing you want to know how one another feels whether it hurts the other person or not and that if any of you have a problem then you need to talk about it rather than fight as it wont resolve anything unless you talk through why you both think your right or wrong about a situation

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A male reader, Kenj United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2010):

Kenj agony auntYou need to leave, it is not going to improve no matter how hard you try. She has a problem and you cant fix it, its a sign of things to come in the future.

Sorry, it sucks. Find yourself a girlfriend who appreciates you.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (11 March 2010):

You have to dump her. She's too unstable to live with. Imagine if you have a child and she hits you in front of it, or worse hits the child. You don't always have to agree with someone, and when you don't, you certainly don't have to sit there and take violence. She doesn't even listen to what you're saying, she just expects you to say sorry. For what? Nothing. She wont' change, but you can certainly show her the door and find a better woman. Why settle for second best? You don't have to. You can find a woman who actually doesn't act this way.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

Stop being a doormat and set some boundaries.

I disagree with the other comments on here, its most likely nothing quite as sinister as a mental disorder or abusive personality. Let me put it to you this way, if you were in her shoes and knew that you could have it your way if you threw a larky wouldn't you keep doing it?

I'm quite a big, dominant man myself whom (through now fault of my own) would walk all over my former girlfriends (obviously without meaning to). Enter my now wife whom is very much a dominant woman and for the first time we both have a stable give-and-take relationship - some people just need a strong counterpoint in their lives.

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A male reader, Problem.helper United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

Problem.helper agony auntI m guessing that you're in love so that it would be much harder. You just described my mom and dad 100% the same .

Talk to her about that but do it gently she seem very agresive and impulsive . But if you can't help it you should say goodbey because it will get only worse. Trust me I saw it every day of my life at home .

There is a posibility that she just had her period i know htaht shouds stupid but some girls get really obnoxcoius.

Another reaction of yours is to get impuslive too dont use any names or physical contact( i know you won't it doesn;t sound like you)just tell her how you feel.

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

GrimmReality agony auntGet rid of her. As opposed to societal norms(which are total bullshit) You do have a right to defend yourself when attacked.

I dated a chick who had a serious cocaine problem years ago and got pissed off when I was not paying attention to her one night so she decided to hit me in the face with a cellphone and she pierced my left eyeball with the antenna then kept hitting me while I was on my knees with blood shooting out my eye and crawling trying to get away from her because she was out of control. Sad as it is, the only recourse I had was to defend myself and knock her the f**k out.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

Thanks for the feedback. I would like to say, while I feel that I am more passive than her, I am not the complete passive type. We are both a little strong willed, but a balance has existed that has worked out prior to the last couple of months. I will admit, although I am strong willed, I am willing more times than not to say sorry, for the sake of continuing on. Perhaps this has helped to create some of the problem?

I am not sure if this is a chemical issue( which I highly doubt, as this type of behavior really hasn't expressed itself until recently), or some type of breakdown in communication or a bad behavior developement.

However, as I told her today, no matter what I say or how she thinks I am ignoring or failing to take responsibility, there is never a case when things should get physical.

As is usually the case, I truly do love her and I believe she truly loves me. I am at a loss about what to do here...

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (11 March 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntShe has a dominant personality while you are the passive kind. This could be what attracted you to each other as opposites attracts.

It looks like you are just incompatible with each other. Either she has to tone down her erratic behaviour or you will need to walk away from her.

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A female reader, Jenn284 United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

I'm sorry to say this but I strongly urge you to dump her. From what you said that she gets very angry and physical it shows she has some mental problems and if those aren't dealt with she will get worse! Sounds like the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. Tell her she needs help.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (11 March 2010):

janniepeg agony auntHer parents can be great people, and know something about her that you don't. You need to talk to them and ask if they could bring their daughter back to live with them for a while. She needs to do some healing on her own. Her parents may not have warned you at the beginning because they hoped and wanted their daughter to have a normal, happy relationship.

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