A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months and everything has literally been perfect, he's treated me so well tells me he loves me every single day and how much I mean to him and that he's completely infatuated with me. However I found out a few days ago that he got blind drunk and cheated on me three days into our relationship at new year with a lass that he was apparantly mates with, not only that after he cheated on me he tried it on with her a few hours later but he hardly remembers anything and has told me as much as he can. I have only just found out and he has kept her around ever since it happened that night despite me not liking her and telling him to not talk to her, but obviously he only did that because he was so scared she would tell me. His reasoning behind it is that he didn't tell me because it meant nothing. He doesn't remember hardly anything just second long flashbacks and would never dream of doing it again to me because of how much he loves me now, and wanting the future of having a house and kids that we were planning. I have no idea what to do and I really could do with some advice!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 ** I also forgot to say yes he probably did not love you after a few days, but once he began falling for you he should have been honest with you, even if it meant nothing.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 June 2017):
His excuses are weak. Also am sorry but you cannot tell him who he can and cannot see. You are his girlfriend not someone who controls him. He is old enough to make his own decisions. He never told you because it meant nothing, yet he has still kept her around for these five months, that their is all you need to know. If he loved you he would have been honest with you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 June 2017):
 I'm going to buck the trend here and tell you (from personal experience) that it IS entirely possible to get so drunk you honestly cannot remember what happened.
I never believed this until it happened to me at a friend's birthday party. Everyone was bringing their own drinks and I ended up drinking a considerable amount of wine (can't remember exactly how much but we estimated between 5 and 6 PINTS). There are still parts of the night I cannot remember. I remember snatches of it, like the birthday boy's face in front of me. (I THINK I snogged him - despite his wife being there - but I could not say for definite one way or the other.) I remember leaving the party but not the journey home. The next thing I remember is throwing up in my bathroom. To this day the blanks are still blanks. So yes, it IS possible to be so drunk you function but do not remember what you did.
The incident probably meant nothing to your boyfriend because he can't remember most of it. Not a pleasant experience but it happens.
You were only THREE DAYS into your relationship when this incident took place. Hardly time to declare your love for one another or agree exclusivity.
I think you need to take things a little more steady in your relationship. Making life long plans after only 5 months together, especially at such a young age, is really not sensible. He needs to rebuild your trust in him and prove to you that (a) he will not be drinking so much in future that he cannot remember what he did and (b) he will not be cheating on you again - regardless of whether he is drunk or sober.
As for the friend, you have no right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. HOWEVER, you do have a right to tell him that, given what you now know, you are not comfortable with having her around. Then it is up to him to decide what is more important to him - your relationship or their friendship.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (3 June 2017):
 crap about he can't think of what happened , he can but does not want to tell you the facts , and why should he unless you are into the kinkey stuff , he was not that drunk it is al ways easy to say i got drunk , and I think you don't have the right to tell him who he can be talk to or not , the way you know if he loves you in his actions not in what he tells you ,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): Everyone please excuse me. I'm doing the math.
You have been with a guy for only five months. He got drunk on New Years and had sex with some girl he knows. Which means you were both committed for a few days, or a few weeks at the most. All the while, this female was in the picture.
Did you ever venture to find-out what was going on between them; or did you decide you'd step in-between and take him? He had to choose. She felt she had first-dibs!
How long did you know him prior to his becoming your boyfriend? If you knew he was involved with her and you didn't like her around; was that not a warning to you? I want you to be truthful now. I'm on your side; so don't embellish, or bend the truth to gain sympathy.
Now let's put emotion aside; and look at this logically. I will get to his cheating later, but humor me for now.
If you and she are rivals, somehow she was aware of it from the beginning. Thus she made it her business to hookup with him to spite you. There must have been some evidence that they were somehow closer than casual friends; for you to feel so uncomfortable, that you would ask him not to to speak to her. So it was her opportunity to get back at you, while she had him in a drunken state.
Now five-months in, and you've only just found-out about it?
Let me guess who spilled the beans? By one of three-ways. She told you herself, or you were told by a mutual-friend? You read something that gave you a clue on his phone???
It was always her intention to sabotage your relationship. You stepped into a situation where she wanted him too; and you somehow sensed they were too close. Or you knew she had a thing for him, and you wanted him all the same. The whole thing was rigged against you from the start, sweetheart.
Now the cheating.
He had sex with her because he wanted to. He tried to do it again a few hours later, because he wanted to. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and it impairs the judgment, no argument there. It also helps you to forget when and how to behave yourself. She caught him at just the right moment. You two were competing for the same guy from the start, and you sensed they were more than just mates. Or maybe you knew it for sure? This is all speculation, but I have a good hunch.
Now you have the knowledge that they are f**k-buddies, or friends with benefits. She meant to scorn you, and destroy your relationship. Not only is he fully responsible for his actions; but he purposely neglected to sever the ties with her.
It was his intent to be the player in-the-middle. It's only convenient to "blame it on the alcohol." It may not mean anything to him, but it means something to YOU!!!
The relationship hasn't lasted that long. You can't trust him. It would seem he was being extra nice, only because he felt guilty. If he cared about you as much as he claims; he would never have kept her around then and thereafter, to spoil your budding-relationship. She didn't want to just be the side-chick. So she drove a wedge in-between you.
Now, my final words.
Dump his ass! It would be no victory to keep him. It would be no loss if he goes back to her. You deserve much better than this crap.
Save this as a lesson-learned. If you HAVE TO ASK a guy to distance himself from a female who is hanging around him too much. If he makes no effort without being told, or ignores you when you tell him how you feel about her. He had no intention of doing it. You had to have a reason for not liking her; but you ignored the warning-signs. Then by doing so, you formed a triangle. You placed yourself in the position of competing for a man.
Never-ever fight over a man. It places the two women in the
pathetic position of struggling over him like a prize. He sits in the higher-position of looking down on you both as his harem. That's beneath your dignity as women. He has to go, on principle alone!!! That's utter disrespect!
If you have to tell a guy how to act around other females and/or have to beg for his respect; drop him then and there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): "[he] tells me he loves me every single day and how much I mean to him and that he's completely infatuated with me."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. A guy will tell a girl ANYTHING if he thinks it will get him laid.Unfortunately this seems like a classic case of a naive, vulnerable young woman falling into the clutches of a charming, manipulative, lying, cheating scumbag who is more likely than not to be potentially controlling and abusive.He DOESN'T love you; if he did then he wouldn't be so grossly inconsiderate and disrespectful of you. Dump him. The red flags are there. Don't ignore them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): It sounds like a pathetic excuse, and you shouldn't be planning a house and kids with a guy who can lie to you for the entire length of your relationship. Some partners can say all the right things, and act in just the right way and are good at it because they're well practised... He could be the perfect partner yet he'd cheated, it actually just shows he knows how to act the perfect partner to get his own way. I would write this relationship off, it's too soon to be having massive issues like cheating and you'd save yourself a lot of pain and heartache by walking away now and ending it. Take your time with a new partner, 5 months isn't long to be with someone and planning kids is rushing things a bit. Take your time to get the know the REAL them, unfortunately you've seen the real side to your bf is that he is capable of cheating and lying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): He doesn't respect you and he will do it again. Break up with him. You deserve to be treated better
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 June 2017):
 I somehow missed reading this part:
'His reasoning behind it is that he didn't tell me because it meant nothing.
He doesn't remember hardly anything just second long flashbacks and would never dream of doing it again to me because of how much he loves me now, and wanting the future of having a house and kids that we were planning.'
Is he for real? He didn't tell you because it didn't mean anything?
How did you find out? Did he come to you to admit it or did you find out on your own?
The second part sounds like he's almost won you back over with how you say he loves you so much. This man DOES NOT love you. You cannot cheat on people you love, you just can't do it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 June 2017):
 I call BULLSHIT on his excuse.
He remembered enough to make sure YOU didn't know. He stayed friends with her because he wanted to and he wanted to keep her quiet.
While this WAS really soon after you two got together I don't really think to lie by omission is OK EVER.
As for being "blind drunk"... yeah, don't believe he managed to have sex and then tried to have sex with her again.
You have only been with him for 5 months and he has already LIED to you and cheated.
Is cheating a dealbreaker for you, OP?
If so, I'd walk away because I just couldn't trust him. And is he STILL "mates" with the girl he had sex with?
Now I would say that in GENERAL, I don't think it's a GF/BF's job to tell their partner WHO they can be friends with. That's controlling and unhealthy. BUT keeping people you cheated with around? Worse.
I certainly wouldn't want to settle down, get in DEBT (mortgage) and have kids with a guy who cheated. Why settle for that?
While I get people are not thinking clearly when drunk, they still have to make a LOT of choices BEFORE the actual sex happens. And if they can make THOSE... they are aware of what they are doing.
And... did he use protection? STD/STI's are a big thing these days. With the numbers going up and up. Which is another thing you NEED to consider.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 June 2017):
I accidentally hit send before finishing my answer.
What else can you do besides break up?
Whether he's drunk or not he made the decision to sleep with another person. How can you get SO drunk that you can't remember sleeping with someone? Does that even happen? How could he get an erection or put in any kind of sexual performance if he was too drunk to stay conscious?
He is talking out of his ass to be frank. He cheated, no ifs ands or buts. Even when you're drunk you know right from wrong and that you have a GF. That is the lamest excuse ever: 'Oh, I was too drunk, it was a mistake'. Okay so if he can't control his dick when he's had a drink, why would he drink knowing he has a GF?
If, for some crazy reason you would forgive him, could you seriously ever trust him around her again?
If he loves you so much, why did he sleep with someone else? I cannot understand people who cheat and then say they love their partner and plead for them back. How can you cheat on someone you love? It wouldn't even enter your head to do that to someone you're in love with.
He's making excuses for his decisions to cheat, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, you deserve much better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 June 2017):
What else can you do besides break up?
Whether he's drunk or not he made the decision to sleep with another person. How can you get SO drunk that you can't remember sleeping with someone? Does that even happen? How could he get an erection or put in any kind of sexual performance
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