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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello! I have been lurking around reading questions and answers for some time now, looking for an answer to my problem. I do realize, however, that every situation is different and should be treated as such.Having said that, I have a question, and I'm looking for advice. To better understand my situation, allow me to give you some history.I met my girlfriend online on a website. At the time, I had contracted a VD (venereal disease) from my then-ex, and wanted to find someone in a similar situation, as opposed to going through the embarassment of explaining my situation to someone new.She contacted me one day to let me know she was interested. Much like most online relationships, this spawned a flurry of emails and eventually phone conversations (Bear in mind that she lives in Canada and I live in the US, she is 26 and I am 30). Our relationship progressed to meeting, regularly either in Canada or in the US. Initially, it was a purely physical relationship, because we were both hesitant on expressing our emotions to one another (because of the distance between us, neither wanted to commit). Eventually the "I love you's" and "I miss you's" took over, and we were officially a couple. Years went by, continuing this long distance relationship, watching it become more and more serious and the trips becoming more and more frequent (we spoke for hours nightly, and would see each other once every 2 months, for close to 4 years, before the wheels fell off...read on...).We planned on eloping this past January. We were both ready and willing to give it a shot. She would move here, we would marry within 6 months, and would apply for citizenship, for her.I admit, the next chain of events was my fault completely. I was scared. And sometime this past September I called it off. I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready for this. I know you're thinking that I'm a typical male who fears commitment, but hear me out.I was scared because even though we had spent 4 wonderful years on the phone nightly, with semi-frequent visits, something felt wrong. I just couldn't trust her. Having been cheated on in the past, I admit that my personal fears came back to haunt me. But I didn't let it show. I realized that not trusting someone because of something that had happened with someone previously was just silly. Or was it?In August of last year (prior to my calling it off), she had come to visit. She was in the process of cooking, and emailing her roomate and realized she had to run to the store to pick up some more vegatables. (Un)fortunately, I decided to read the email she was sending. Now at the time, she was living with a male roomate. She had a different male roomate when I first met her, so I never thought much of it. I understand that people are raised in different environments and as such feel differently towards certain situations. Having been raised somewhat prudish, I admit that I thought it was wrong for a single woman to be living with a single man, but I never said anything about it. Again, it would be silly of me to force my insecurities on someone else.But back to the email...so she had emailed her (then) roomate to tell him how much she missed him, and how sexy he was, and how she couldn't wait to go back and hang out with him. Did I read into it too deep? Probably. Could it have been innocent? Possibly. But I let it bother me. So much so, that I have been checking her email account(s) since.Yes, I know I'm wrong, and I'm invading someone's privacy. Yes, I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. But it goes even further. Looking into old emails she had sent, she had admitted to a friend of hers, that she had drunkenly slept with one night, that she felt guilty for having cheated on her (then) boyfriend, and that they should keep the incident between themselves.Being a rational person, I can understand what regret is, and can see why she would want to keep it from her (then) boyfriend. Of course, being the jealous-type, I had asked her once if she had ever cheated on anyone, to which she replied "no". Again, I read too deep into it, and labeled her a "liar". Was it wrong of me? Probably. Did it instill a sense of distrust in her? Yes.But I never let on that I knew, or that I felt any different. And being that we were so far apart, it was easy to hide my emotions.Aside from that, she also mentioned to me (when questioned by me) that she was promiscuous in the past, but didn't regret it, because "it was a learning experience". Having been promiscuous myself (YEARS ago), I can honestly say that there was no "learning experience", I just wanted to get laid. And I'm sure she felt the same way at the time, but was using the "learning" as a guise, to avoid hurting my feelings (and to justify her being promiscuous).I, on the other hand, had the tact to lie. Wrong? Yes. But I know how something like a number can change someone's feelings towards you. So, I made up a much smaller number, and let it go.Her having cheated on someone in the past, her promiscuity, and the email to the roomate started brewing inside me. So September, I called it quits. I immediately regretted it, being that I had no other complaints about her. But the day after I ended it, when I begged her to take me back, she wasn't hearing it.I understand why. Anyone would do the same thing. When filled with so many different emotions, things can be confusing, so I realized she needed some time.Bear in mind that we still spoke on the phone, after that day in September, daily, for hours, like we used to. But it was different. Usually I did the groveling, and she stood her ground, explaining to me that she "wasn't ready to do this again, and possibly let me hurt her again". I understood, but kept groveling. But I also kept checking her email.So sometime in December, it seemed hopeless. The conversations were becoming distant. Long gone were the "I love you's", now quickly replaced with "I'm busy, I'll call you later". I saw things as coming to an "official" end. So, around Christmastime I got drunk at a bar and ended up leaving with someone.Why? I was lonely. That was basically it. I wasn't even looking for sex, I just wanted someone to hold. Someone to touch. Someone to make me feel special. What ended up happening was 15 minutes after entering her house, I exited. I felt wrong. I felt like I had cheated on my "ex" (because neither of us knew what to call the other), even though nothing happened.So, in conversation (and mind you, I had been deeply depressed and emotional, as expressed by my constant groveling to my ex), I explained to her what happened, and that I only told her because I felt guilty and I wanted to be honest with her (which is completely true).2 days later I read an email she sent to her friend (I know, I know...). The former roomate (she had since moved to a new apartment) that she emailed from my place months before, was back in the picture. My insecurities seemed validated. She slept with him, but it seems only after I explained what I had done around Christmas.At the time (and currently) neither of us knew where we stood. Even though I want her back, she refuses to "claim me" as a boyfriend. And I understand why...now. It's a control issue. It's about having her cake and eating it too. And she does so by keeping me at arm's length from her at all times. So technically, what happened with her former roomate, wasn't "cheating", as we weren't "together". At least that's how I think she justifies it to herself. Now, I've never let on that I've ever read any of her emails. I never let on that I was upset about what happened with the former roomate. I never showed any sign of anger towards her...only remorse and regret for leaving her and for the incident around Christmas.Since December, we're back to our normal ways from before the break-up. We talk nightly for hours, we've seen each other about 4 times since, and she's telling me that she's making plans to find a job in my area, so she could be closer to me. But bear in mind, she still keeps her distance from me, making herself unavailable at times. And other times she's needy/clingy and acts like a girlfriend (a week ago, I went out with some friends for drinks after work, and forgot to tell her. She called me 20 times in the course of 2 hours, leaving messages like "I miss you, where are you?" and "I hope you're not ignoring me. I love you!"). Like I said, a mix of emotions, and it all points back to her stringing me along.But again, I'm reading her emails. The resumes she claims to be sending out, are nonexistent. And again, she refuses to give me a title, but refers to me as her "non-boyfriend" (whatever that means) to her friends, via email. I've never doubted how much she cares for me, and how much she wants to be with me.But, I'm reading her emails. Turns out, the last time she came to visit me (3 weeks ago), she met a charming young (married) man on the flight down. Apparently, she went into detail about our relationship, specifically the sex. And she expressed to him how excited she was to see me, and to finally get some action (after having waited months for it).A few days into her visit (she stayed for a week), she got an email from this young man, Jason. He asked if she had gotten what she was looking for. She replied that she did. In a follow-up email, he blatantly asked her if she'd be willing to take a "business trip" with him, and maybe show him what she was doing with me. She followed up with "we'll have to talk about this. Call me". And that was that. But Jason lives in the US as well. So how could she leave Canada to come to the US without my finding out...right? (something to consider, as it hasn't happened yet that we've gone more than 2 days without speaking).Now, being that the conversation has now moved to the telephone, I have no idea what's being discussed. And naturally, curiosity has gotten the better of me.So this is where I am currently. I love her, and want to be with her, but because of what I've been (inappropriately) reading in her emails, and because of past issues, I don't trust her. I don't think she's willing to move to this country and sacrifice having her family nearby, so I believe she's just stringing me along, until she figures out what to do.(see? told you I had done my research on here!)At the same time, meeting someone new is almost impossible, because of this VD. And as we all know, starting over with someone new can be a hassle. So, do I confront her about the emails with Jason? Probably not a smart move. Do I expect her to be honest if I ever did confront her? Past experience says no. Do I love her? Yes, I do.So what do I do? Learn to live with it, and hope she comes to her senses and moves here (because I really don't want to move there, I have sick parents here in the US that require me to see them every few months). Try to get over it and move on? Stop reading her email (c'mon, after doing this for so long and learning so much about her that she wouldn't have told me herself, do you even think it's feasable?).Any help would be GREATLY appreciated (and bear in mind that "end it" is easier said than done...though still a valid answer)
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christmas, depressed, drunk, I love you, jealous, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Go to the Docs, get the VD sorted. Get rid of this girl who is so obviously keeping her options open (amongst other things?) and start again. Don't feel the need to talk about your past; the numbers, VD, exes..... It's not relevant anymore and if everything we do is held against us and we're judged forever then what have we leaned? How can we move on? Just relax and let yourself trust someone based on what you know first hand and not on what you don't.
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (2 June 2006):
 You know the saying curiosity killed the cat? Obviously reading her mail has made you feel very unsure of her true feelings towards you, it's a vicious circle you have entered, you will never be satisfied even if you read what you are hoping to, you will continue to use her mail as a way of finding out how she feels about you, others and what she's up to when you're not around. Of course you haven't told her what you're doing regarding reading her mail, you know she would be on her guard and not send mail where it's possible for you to read them in future, and so it will go on, and on!
I think it's time to either get together and have a close relatinship as opposed to a long distance one, or let her go and try to find someone else, easier said than done I know, but what are you waiting for? By continuing to read her mail something tells me you will one day read something that creates a situation that means you will have to come clean and tell her what you know, there's only so much you can put under the rug and ignore.
The situation has made you insecure and untrusting, not a healthy basis for any relationship, don't you think?
Time to come together or call it a day I think.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): I was in a very mildly similar (oxymoron again, [sigh]) before. May I cut it very short and say what Smeedle has said is dead-on?
I think if it were me in your shoes, I would write a letter, doesn't matter how long, just get all of my thoughts and feelings onto paper, including the things I've done, that she's done, and finish it off with, "I have fallen deeply in love with you, and this love have grown over time, but I feel that I cannot go on like this, knowing that your heart is not really there for me." You can end it with some thank yous and best wishes if you like, then send it off via postal and that's it.
The thing is, if she sincerely wants you back, she will go out of her way to get you back. Otherwise, she'll just brush you off and let other men fuck her brains out as usual.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 June 2006):
 Sorry Buddy, I'm afraid this relationship is a goner. You will never be able to relax and trust her let alone truly love her. It wouldn't be fair to you or her to keep this thin soup on the stove. You don't really need to worry about the VD, talk to your doctor and see what he suggests. You need to move on to greener pastures and find someone with whom you can have a total relationship. Get going and good luck!
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (1 June 2006):
 Read your own question, the answers to what you will do are there, you know what you want to do, it is just your heart and head have not yet reached the same conclusion.
If you did not have VD then you would have finished it and moved on, unfortunatly you are worried that you will not get another partner and you need someone in your life.
Having read her postings you now know what she is doing, thinking and how she thinks about you "non boyfriend".
You have done wrong by reading her mail and she has done her share of wrongs, but lets face it you are both drifting apart and in reallity the relationship is over barr the telling and that is only a matter of time as one of you will do it for sure.
When we feel so insecure with someone that we have to read there e-mails we have a problem and that is a trust one, she made you feel you could not trust her and when you snooped you found what you were looking for.
Balls in your court but my guess is that you will end it for now you just need us to work through the issues with you but the conclussion will be the same as you know what is in your head and heart.
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