A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im hoping someone out there can help me thru this or someone reading this has been thru the same thing where I can find out what steps I should take to get over this and move on with my life:I met my fiancé online almost 3 years ago. Within the first year we had the most amazing relationship. Pretty much a fairytale relationship that made people sick by seeing us so happy together. But during that time, he was stupid and thought with "his wrong head" and started chatting with other woman online/over the phone... flirted with female customers that came into his work... hid a second phone from me..And even going behind my back a couple times and going over to his ex girlfriends house (his twin sons mother) and f and cked her. I work in a mostly male work environment where guys approach me almost on a daily basis and try to work their "magic" to get me to sleep with them or date them. Even though I have all the reasons in the world given to me by my fiancés mess-ups, I still have remained true to him and not screwed around on him. I don't find that would get me anywhere in life but show that Im childish too. So Ive kept faithful thru it all. My problem is getting past the very messed up and heartless things he has done to me and move on to the future. But everytime I look at him or see his "b*tch ex" every other week to pick up his sons it ignites a lot of anger in me. Wondering why he did such things to me, his answer all the times I ask him " I don't know... I was stupid" That honestly doesn't help me get over why he did all he did to me. When I ask him about things to talk about it to get over it he just ends up screaming at me and a huge fight happens over it. He says the only way to get over it is to forget about it... hes gotten over it he says. Well yea... If I was the one stomping on some ones heart, Id have no prob forgetting about it too. Im not with him for financial or supportive reasons... Im with him due to loving him. Im the one that pays all the bills, I go out of my way to do little things for him that will make him smile, Im the one that opened my life/house/heart to his 3 yr old twin sons. Hes not a very supportive / understanding man at all. Ive signed myself up to start counseling so I can at least speak out my feelings to someone without the worry of just having someone yell at me for opening up to them. I do feel used most times in our 3 yr relationship. From day one of our relationship, Ive been by his side thru everything. Ive honestly put myself in a financial hole by helping him out thru problems in his life. In fact I just bought him a car due to his other vehicle was very unsafe to drive anymore. What kind of man would treat a woman that is all about him and his happiness like garbage due to him only worrying about himself in life but swears up and down that he loves me to death and never wants to lose me??? Its a very confusing and frustrating situation that I have no answers to and am open to any kind of advice or opinions anybody has. Please don't sugar coat your words... I need to speak with people that are very real with their words of advice. Thank you for your time. Have a great day.
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female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 is there truly such thing as a deadline to change things?the only way to truly see if he has changed is with distance, if you two separate and he continues to be consistent on improving himself then you will know for sure. all this promising you that he will act right could be temporary, so he gets his life right, and in 4 maybe 7 or 10 months he is tired and goes right back to his old behaviour. past behaviour is a great determinant of future behaviour and his is deplorable. but if you want to stay. stay at your own risk.welp his ex is this horrible person, whom he chose married and had children... i do not care how much drama she likes to cause he gave her ammunition. how do you know he wasn't playing with her emotions and telling her all sorts of things to get her to sleep with him? why is she so involved in your life? because she has feelings for him. and why does she has feelings for him? because he keeps coming back to her.no one is just that miserable, some people act others react, and in this case it is clear that there are a whole lot of messy feelings in the way and it all traces back to your fiance's actions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe knows what he did in his past was VERY wrong. He takes complete blame for allowing it to happen. It was honestly both their fault that anything ever happened between them while hes been with me. I know its the past & there is no magical wand I nor he can wave to change what has already happened. All we can do is try to make things better from those nasty storms of the past. Im not trying to "cover for him" for what I say on here. Yes, he has done me wrong many times due to him not caring about anything in his life. It took me kicking him out of my house for a short time & having him live with his parents to allow him to truly see how his life would be without me in it. He was able to see what he truly had in his life & made him rethink things. Ive told him what all bothers me about him & he agrees with me that he needs to change those things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 April 2015):
 I think.... that YOU can not change a guy like this - not for ALL the love in the World.
HE is who he is.
He MIGHT temporarily change to get you to stick around, after all... YOU are his meal ticket.
As for the "home-wrecker comment" - I know.... IT IS easier to BLAME her for THEM having sex, but SERIOUSLY, he didn't walk around with his pants down, stumbled and OOOPS his dick landed in her vagina. IT was a CHOICE they BOTH made. HE was the ENGAGED person in the equation - NOT her. The fact that she is a trashy drama queen HAS NOTHING to do with THEM having sex. Did she agree to the sex to spite you? Perhaps- but honestly I think it was more that she WANTED him to FEEL and KNOW what he would be missing by being with a new woman. Maybe SHE (like you) had HOPES that he would CHANGE and BE the man who could MAN up and BE the father of his kids. And he PROBABLY had sex with her after they broke up (before you two started dating).
I still say, your anger is misplaced. HE is the one who CHEATED on you. NOT her. She doesn't have a magical snatch that MAKES men cheat. And if she IS such a drama-llama you have been playing RIGHT into her hand with your anger and texts.... HE invited HER drama into YOUR life.
So NOW that he KNOWS you are ready to give him the boot HE will change? Don't you find that JUST a little too convenient? He has given himself a deadline - well have YOU given yourself and HIM one too? For how much longer you are willing to put up with this?
Yelling at you is NOT right (no matter what his excuse it) - not giving your a CLEAR reason for his cheating only shows that he is NOT remorseful about the action itself.
I wish you good luck, and I'm sure you will stick with him, despite the fact that you KNOW you can do so much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood day all... First may I say thank you for all that have replied to my question. I appreciate you all being real with me. I would like to answer a couple of questions that were brought up in your replies so you can better understand my situation.
The reason why I have stayed with him is due to the fact of him stating that he has finally realized what kind of woman he has & has changed for the better for the most part. The only thing that I don't care for is that he still yells at me when I bring up the past with him. I told him that the way I work with problems in life is to talk it over. He cant understand how that would help me thru it, he thinks it would only make me more upset over it all. I told him its because it gives me closure on why all that junk has happened to me when I didn't deserve it at all. And his "I don't know" replies he has given is just an easy way out on a question.
The reason why I don't care for his ex girlfriend is because not only did she sleep with my man a couple times knowing he was in an engaged relationship ( home wrecker ) she honestly bragged about it over texts on his phone. She doesn't even know me or anything about me but she just loves to talk trash about me & even talks trash about my kids. As a caring parent, I don't take that too kindly. I have confronted her many times thru texts as well as one time face to face. She is the type of woman that just loves to cause drama in other peoples lives due to her life being crap. And seeing her every other week it sparks anger deep down in me with all that shes put me thru. I don't like that hes got to deal with her for the rest of his life due to having kids with her. He broke up with her before she found out she was pregnant. And he didn't even know if the twins were even his due to her sleeping with about 5 guys at the time of her getting knocked up. It took a DNA test to prove they are his.
Just recently he & I have had a sit down discussion & I poured my heart out & all that hes done to hurt me. He sat & listened. He got teared up a couple times during the conversation due to some of the things I said. He agreed with most of what I said saying I don't deserve what hes done to me & I deserve to be happy. He says Im an amazing woman that any man would die to have & he sees now that hes pushed me away thru time & wants to make everything better between us. So he has given himself a deadline to change things for the better & make it up to me when that date comes on if I want to keep with the relationship or call it quits. Do you guys think its good what hes doing? Or do you think he will fall right back into the same "player" actions hes done in the past?
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A
female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (14 April 2015):
i don't mean to be rude dear but, why are you with him? so you have feelings for him, i can understand that but at the end of the day you have to think with your head not with your heart, so please explain to me what is so great about this man you let him do all of this to you. what is the logical reason why you are with him? explain to me please how does he enhance your life in anyway shape or form?he cheat, take you for granted, scream at you for not getting over smashing your heart and to top it all you are almost taking care of him...i would be surprised if he wasn't cheating on you right now, why not? you will just make an excuse for him, hate the woman who he cheats with and forgive him. if you try to talk about it he will start to get loud and belligerent and that is it , it is all over, no repercussions.he doesn't care about you, he will never have anything to offer you, he doesn't appreciate you because you don't care and appreciate yourself enough not to let him treat you this way, he got away with as much as he could he kept pushing the boundaries because he knew he could, and it will always be like that because he is just one of those people and you let him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 April 2015):
I think I will be able to give two sides of your ordeal. You may or may not like what I have to write but I do not pretend to know everything about your situation.
My mom and I have a bad habit of being too nice in relationships. We often discuss how we do so much for the other, yet we don't argue or like arguing and the other person has always find a way to walk over us. I think there is a limit to kindness and that you should never do something nice expecting a perfect relationship on your own ideals. Everyone is different and no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and us doing all these nice things for people will not change that. Perhaps you have helped your partner too much, and he should have been allowed to walk on his own two legs. Very few people can truly come to terms with kindness from others.
The otherside of this spectrum, is that he messed up and that is all there is to it. It is not your fault. There are no logical reasons for his actions and there are no answers that will ever satisfy you. When he messed up the first time you really should have let this one go and now you feel like he is all you know because you have put so much time and effort into him. Somewhere along the line you forget your worth and let your standard drop. Does not matter at this point but I do think the counseling is a good direction. It may not provide you with all the answers you need but it could get you to the right directions.
I do think some time away from him will help you a lot. You need to find yourself again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I think you've ALMOST put the "seed" of your "answer" right in your own submittal...... You write:
"What kind of man would treat a woman that is all about him and his happiness like garbage due to him only worrying about himself in life but swears up and down that he loves me to death and never wants to lose me???"
Now consider THIS version: What woman would put up with a man such as the one described above????
Get away from him, and don't look back. You deserve better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2015):
Now I'm NOT going to sugar coat my answer, so take it with a grain of salt.
I think you are with an UTTERLY selfish and self-absorbed man. He LEFT his ex while she was HUGELY pregnant with HIS twins or right after their birth? OR was SHE smart enough to leave him?
(You say the twins are 3 and you have been dating for 3 years..)
So this guy... KNOCKS a woman up (with twins no less) and the LEAVES her to be a single mom?
For me, without knowing much of the back history, is a red flag RIGHT THERE.
Then he dates you and MAKE you believe what you have is a fairy-tale relationship.. MIND you for him it probably was, since YOU were picking up the bills and HIS slack.
He CHEATS on you with his ex (the mother of his kids) and the BEST excuse he has is..." I don't know... I was stupid" and you are supposed to JUST swallow that and forget it? SERIOUSLY? And when you STILL have a hard time getting past it, HE YELLS at you? YOU do know why he yells right? BECAUSE HE sees nothing wrong in what he did. BUT he DOES think it's WRONG for you to constantly remind him that HE is NOT perfect.
He chatted up other women online and chat up female customers.... How sweet of him, what a man! *sarcasm*
My guess is... HE did a VERY good job at presenting himself ONLINE. My next guess is he WAS talking with other women while with his ex, and while wooing you. This isn't NEW behavior to him. He KNEW very well that he had you hook, line and sinker - so now... he can do as he pleases, and he did.
When you say other people felt sick of how GREAT a relationship you two had... I see nothing to be ENVIOUS off.
You ask WHY he would treat you this way?
BECAUSE YOU let him.
BECAUSE he feels ENTITLED to do as he wants.
BECAUSE he thinks HE is the great catch of the century (when he REALLY should recognize THAT you are the great catch here).
BECAUSE he thinks YOU can't do better than him.
He swears that he LOVES you... But when you LOOK at his actions do they watch his words? He sounds like a fella who could sell sand in Sahara. Or ice cubes in Antarctica. A really good SALESMAN, but not necessarily a very good partner or guy.
and then you have all this resentment for his ex? She isn't dating you. She isn't living OFF you. She owes you nothing... WHY be mad at her? HE is the one HURTING YOU.
He doesn't sound like a Keeper at all.
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